- FML

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265

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

Holidays

Serious times

FML every way you look at it

Thanks, I'm cured!

By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 20:27 - United States

30980

4806

Today, a customer asked me if I was English, because I was struggling to understand what he saying. I said yes. He then called me a liar, and said I must be "one of them Polish immigrants." Oh, and he also had a thick Scottish accent. FML

By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 12:07 - United Kingdom - Bristol

1490

129

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 15:52 - United States

32449

5644

Today, I was stuck in what I thought was traffic on my way home from work. I started weaving in and out of traffic because it seemed to only be a few cars holding up the line. I get to the front of the line and I'd realized I just weaved through a funeral procession. FML

By Noname - 21/2/2009 07:34 - United States

12082

58121

Today, my girlfriend asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small." She then looked at my crotch. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 12:23 - United Kingdom

29763

12646

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

By Bilirubin - 20/2/2010 16:22 - United States

33587

3902

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a skinhead sucker-punched me in the gut, grabbed my football, and ran away, giggling like a maniac. FML

By Jimmy - 2/8/2019 12:00 - Australia

1326

111

Today, at my job as a waitress, I fell, landed on my ass, managing not to spill the drinks or drop the food in my hands. A little boy yelled "NINJA WAITRESS!" Every one at work has been calling me that all day, and purposely been trying to trip me to see if I could do it again. FML

By immy504 - 30/11/2011 05:39 - United States

41021

5898

Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML

By noooooo - 21/2/2016 16:03 - United States - Bainbridge

20882

2187

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

By RyanM - 13/2/2011 09:01 - Canada

17921

64493

Today, my friends told me all five of us should bring sleeping bags on our field trip; I brought mine only to find out they had told me that so they would get the four beds to themselves. They all 'forgot' to bring them and its only fair that I should sleep on the floor. We are here for a week. FML

By bananagurl4242 - 16/7/2011 05:34 - United States

36041

4436

Today, I have gastro. I sent a text my husband: “It’s definitely a don’t trust a fart day, thankfully haven’t been caught out yet”, but accidentally text my manager instead. FML

By Distrusting - 4/12/2018 17:30

2170

906

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

By DC - 11/10/2016 13:41 - United States - Sioux City

14760

1508

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

By bronzemedal97 - 15/6/2009 11:40 - United States

48471

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Today, I owe about $18,000 for a useless degree. Why? I graduated in 2016 from the ITT Technical Institute, a few months before the school shut down for good. The kicker? They misspelled my name on the diploma. FML

By Imthatfirstguy1 - 10/4/2018 15:00

4531

451

Today, I realized that 95% of my facebook friends added me only because they think my sisters are hot. FML

By smallfrie32 - 23/11/2010 05:22

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Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML

By P DarklyKira - 18/5/2020 23:00

Bunged up

1571

148

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

By AngelAshley - 22/2/2010 15:35 - United Kingdom

8528

39557

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

By Michigan - 5/2/2009 01:18 - United States

26636

4835

Today, while I was showering, my brother thought it would be funny to burst through the door pretending he was a burglar. Panicked, I went to grab the soap bar as a weapon, slipped, fell and hit my head on the faucet. FML

By MAWZ - 19/7/2011 06:33 - United States

34522

5125

Today, I nearly lost a hand at work, because a supervisor decided to remove a 'useless' safety guard on a machine despite my warnings. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset with him. FML

By lowly worker - 8/4/2017 18:00

6562

403

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

By 911 - 13/11/2008 03:57 - France

41121

2304

Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

By Ew. - 9/4/2012 15:22 - United Kingdom

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Today, I saw my little brother drink from the milk carton, gag, and spit the milk back in. FML

By - 27/1/2017 02:00

7172

459

Today, the doctor told my husband that he is infertile due to slow sperm. As if this is not upsetting enough, my husband blames it on me. According to him, his sperm doesn't get 'aroused' because I'm not sexy enough. FML

By Iamdisappointed - 24/7/2013 11:50 - Sweden - Ludvika

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5940

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 20:49 - Canada - Edmonton

39624

4507

Today, while trying to help my disabled uncle into his walker, his one testicle popped out of the leg of his short shorts. I asked him to adjust himself and had to hold on to his walker as he did it. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2018 18:30

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204

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend I had a crush on. The whole time, he was flirting with the waitress while I was trying to get him to notice me. When we got the check, he looked at her and said, "She's not my girlfriend, I only go out with pretty girls. So, can I have your number?" FML

By awkward - 26/9/2016 21:31 - United States - Oakland

16859

1337

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

By Anonymous - 30/6/2014 01:25 - United States - Butler

43910

11968

Today, I found out that my boyfriend and one of his friends have been having sex with each other. His excuse? "She's my best friend, we do this all the time." I have been dating him for over a year. FML

By Alexandra - 5/3/2013 20:17 - United States - Gaithersburg

49558

4119

Today, I spoke to my dad for the first time in over a year. I've been volunteering in Mongolia, I have no running water, freeze my ass off everyday and communication with anyone who speaks English is scarce. One of the first things my father said to me was, "out of sight, out of mind." FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 09:01 - Mongolia

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3688

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

By CreepyPaperDoll - 5/11/2009 06:36 - United States

41588

3936

Today, I was woken up because the police were pounding on my door, and saying I am under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs then plant them on my front lawn. FML

By Busted - 26/7/2010 12:26 - South Africa

43219

4851

Today, I was at my job as a dental assistant and I was told to take an X-ray of a woman's teeth. As soon as I put the foam piece into her mouth, she projectile-vomited all over me and the floor. I had just started my 5-hour shift. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 16:00

1764

261

Today, I was sitting in a waiting room with my two-month-old son. A sweet little old lady came up to me and said, "Maybe if you knew how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't have a baby at 15, slut." I'm 23 and married. FML

By jb123 - 29/12/2020 20:00 - United States - Rock Springs

I'm still young

2829

190

Today, I had my first job interview in years. While I was waiting for the manager to come out I realized I had forgotten the resume that I had printed out the night before, since he specifically asked me to bring one. FML

By jzone32 - 14/10/2009 05:45 - Canada

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Today, I was making breakfast. My microwave door was already open, but I couldn't figure that out so I kept pressing the button. According to Einstein, I'm now insane. FML

By lol - 25/1/2012 15:54 - Canada

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Today, at work as an optician, I gave a little girl a new pair of glasses and asked her if she could see well with them. She replied, "Oh yes, you have two big spots on your nose!" FML

By jamjamy - 26/12/2008 04:53 - France

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Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML

By liLbob6598 - 10/1/2012 02:34 - United States

47851

2621

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

By Not Mrs Soprano - 8/7/2013 11:57 - United States - Irvington

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