Health: Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally...

By D - 03/09/2013 18:04 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally overdosed on one of her pills, then spend ages trying to protect her from the "monkey" on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 277

You deserved it 2 715

Health

Taking stock

Ah yes, homophobic jokes, so funny

I can't quit you

By duh - 27/01/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, I sang the itsy bitsy spider song with a class of thirty 20 somethings because we're going to be kindergarten teachers. She made us do the hand motions too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 266

You deserved it 26 774

Mistaken identity

By Guess I was wrong - 16/03/2020 06:23

Today, I came home to find a man standing in my living room. Since my mom texted me that her new boyfriend would be coming over, I just assumed it was him. I introduced myself, made us some coffee and I went to my room to study. When I went downstairs after a while, the TV was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 365

By LadyJane - 13/01/2017 14:21

Today, I was trying to exercise more, so I went for a walk. I was quickly overtaken by a middle-aged lady with cankles, carrying heavy shopping bags in each hand. I'm 19, skinny, and apparently very unfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 784

You deserved it 2 507

By aireun - 09/07/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, my laptop plug got stuck in the wall outlet. I stood there for 10 minutes violently trying to yank it out. My boss came in and screamed at me for making noise. I was angry, so I glared at him and yanked on the plug as hard as I could. It dislodged itself noiselessly and I fell over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 231

You deserved it 41 966

By The_Black_Jesus - 31/03/2013 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 273

You deserved it 5 222

By human lava lamp - 10/03/2013 19:54 - United States - New Britain

Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 343

You deserved it 49 569

No one likes a smart-ass

By Anonymous - 13/04/2020 08:00

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 849

By Username - 07/03/2010 17:41 - France

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 842

You deserved it 3 517

By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 847

You deserved it 54 337

By Nasty - 25/04/2016 16:59 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 858

You deserved it 1 339

By Flandre - 23/12/2018 11:55

Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 024

You deserved it 476

By Anonymous - 20/05/2019 00:30

Today, I walked in on my little brother dressing up like Billie Eilish, his new favorite singer. He tore up some of my favorite clothes to make the outfits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 831

You deserved it 130

Time to move

By Anonymous - 05/05/2021 06:01

Today, after taking a shower, I realised that my landlord was peeking in the whole time through broken ventilator. Once he tried to get into my room, using his keys. I couldn't tell the landlord's wife, as I didn't have any proof so I left the house, even though my rent was long due. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 024

You deserved it 69

By HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE - 09/12/2012 21:52 - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 399

You deserved it 7 760

By Anonymous - 26/12/2013 16:16 - United States - Spring Hope

Today, I am sitting next to a guy who very clearly has lice crawling on his head. It's a six hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 129

You deserved it 3 077

Hey there!

By ohcrap - 08/11/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 941

You deserved it 2 566

By JealousBratMuch - 26/07/2013 00:51 - Canada - High River

Today, my eldest daughter has 'officially' removed herself from our family and will no longer communicate with any of us. Apparently it's my fault that her younger sister is having a baby before her, and she can't be part of a family that 'treats her so unfairly'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 191

You deserved it 4 112

A Natural Snack!

By Anonymous - 20/02/2017 17:00 - United States - Charles City

Today, my husband argued with me for an hour, because he believed that loaded potato skins grow naturally on a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 807

You deserved it 776

By Al - 10/03/2010 02:07 - United States

Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 917

You deserved it 2 906

By Shouldaknown - 06/08/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 116

You deserved it 8 375

By Trainer Calypso - 27/11/2014 20:38 - United States - Schofield

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 935

You deserved it 4 068

Teddy

By Anonymous - 03/06/2021 08:01

Today, I thought babysitting my nephew would be easy. WRONG. He put his wet teddy on the space heater to dry, and caused a fire. While I was putting the fire out, he decided to wash his burnt teddy in the sink, which blocked the plug and flooded my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 196

By dexter - 15/01/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 609

You deserved it 4 928

By Anonymous - 18/09/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 503

You deserved it 3 167

By hopeless romantic - 14/08/2014 15:06 - United States - Dayton

Today, I realized my dog looks at me with way more love in his eyes than my own boyfriend does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 111

You deserved it 5 506

By ERnightmare - 02/08/2018 21:00 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 054

You deserved it 4 098

By fuck no - 22/08/2015 10:18 - India - Kollam

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 077

You deserved it 7 995

By mother of piggies - 04/04/2018 15:00

Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 025

You deserved it 396

By xMiSS_CuTiEx - 27/12/2009 22:25 - United States

Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 042

You deserved it 14 322

By someboody - 15/08/2015 16:50 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I discovered that my mom bought roll on stick glue that looks quite a bit like deodorant. It was early in the morning and I was groggy. Long story short, I had to cut every one of my pit hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 172

You deserved it 4 421

By Hank Gummyworm - 16/06/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 022

You deserved it 4 335

By Embarrassed - 01/10/2010 13:06 - United States

Today, I had to sneeze really bad in a restaurant. To avoid sneezing on everybody's food, I turned my head to the side and sneezed, it just so happens a waitress was there serving a table. My nose went straight into her ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 384

You deserved it 6 055

By thirdwheel - 09/07/2013 11:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush to a movie. What I didn't realise is that she would bring a "friend" along, and that I would have to sit next to them making out for 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 351

You deserved it 4 813

By :( - 27/01/2014 22:31 - Algeria

Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 251

You deserved it 62 244

Nice bird

By Sick - 01/01/2020 01:00 - Netherlands - Ede

Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 727

You deserved it 960

By TexasGirl24 - 10/09/2016 12:51 - United States - Houston

Today, I was making a shake at work when the cup fell off the blender. I went to catch it, and instead caught the teeth of the still-spinning mixer. When my hand was still bleeding five minutes later, my supervisor told me to clock out until it stopped. I lost money for getting hurt on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 560

You deserved it 1 190

By FailedTraveller - 04/07/2018 15:00

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 573

You deserved it 339

By ZeroApostle4Ever - 23/02/2012 08:00 - United States

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 018

You deserved it 6 566

By ICantBelieveThis - 06/03/2010 14:31 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 247

You deserved it 8 909

By Anonymous - 10/03/2013 07:52 - United States

Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 991

You deserved it 9 189

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Top comments

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:01

Tell her to quit monkeying around

arroberts 10

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Tuesday 3 September 2013 23:59

Well, she seems like she's having a good time.

arroberts 10

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Tuesday 3 September 2013 23:59

Well, she seems like she's having a good time.

j_cat187 19

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:23

A bad trip is never fun.

Arrow44 10

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 3:02

Next time you have a crazed monkey on your wall in your house, text me how fun it is.

then000bster 16

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 5:15

Just let the monkey get we and video tape it for future reference :)

ohgeejosee 19

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 7:00

64, why would you even do that? Its not like she meant to, so why be a complete asshole about it? Ha

tatertot1985 14

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 8:49

Definitely it's a bad trip no reason to be a douche about it

fml121785 14

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 12:18

I'll take two of what she's having... But seriously, when did doctors start prescribing shrooms?!

DDCA 24

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 17:22

I'll have what she's having!

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:01

Tell her to quit monkeying around

BitsOBacon 12

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:04

Wow, she really went bananas.

The_FN_Gunny 13

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:06

Woah guys lets get serious. Remember the evil monkey moved out from Chris Griffins closet we could have a repeated offense here

Zaros_fml 24

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 1:50

Come on, guys, enough with the chimp shots.

icryevrytime 7

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 3:58

She simply went ape shit.

RoseBlack123 37

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:01

While that sucks for you, I cannot even imagine what it must've been like for her. You're definitely a great child!

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 3:01

We all have to help our drugged up moms at some point. Mine accidentally took some of my grandmas anti-anxiety pills, thinking they were ibuprofen. She thought she was flying on our couch. Hell of a story we talked about the next day. Luckily no incidents since, haha.

ffrostay 5

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:01

This is where you calmly take the pills away.

mario2012 18

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:09

Key word here is "accidentally".

Michael_92 20

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:01

Gotta watch out for them fucking monkeys. Once they get an eye on you it's over.

amberlyyyy 15

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 3:54

Especially the ones that throw poo

LindsayxMoore 18

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:02

yea those monkeys are pretry mean lol. but really that sucks. sorry op.

RodzillaX 30

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:20

I find that they're pretry scary on my part actually.

LindsayxMoore 18

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:35

yea some be creppy actually. I wouldnt fuck with them. but the small ones are so cute.

RodzillaX 30

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:44

They are pretry creppy as well. Fuck those things.

LindsayxMoore 18

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 1:29

lol aww

Kagulocke 13

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 5:19

I'm disappointed that the pretry good joke is missed by this person.

jw90 18

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:04

Is it time to take them away?

Alikia96 20

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:04

Obviously the doctors have been switching non-hallucination pills with FML pills

RodzillaX 30

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:07

At least she wasn't seeing the flying monkeys from the wizard of oz. Be thankful for that.

Wizardo 33

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:12

Either DocBastard gave someone shoddy advice or OP's mum had an unfortunate turd flinging incident when she was younger..

DocBastard 38

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:39

Me, give shoddy advice? You offend me, sir. The duel shall be at high noon. Twenty paces and turn.

Wizardo 33

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 0:47

Make sure you have a first aid kit ready sir, knowing us, innocent bystanders shall get hurt. May I know your weapon of choice? Mine shall be Yew and Phoenix feather, 13 and 1/4 inch.