Health: Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because...

By unsuckable - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

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Health

Walk on the wild side

Delayed proposal

Miscommunication

By Lizofsmeg - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

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By Funless - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Castle Rock

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny to replace the birthday gift I bought for my girlfriend with the large intestine of a recently-dissected dog. My girlfriend nearly fainted when she opened the gift box, and accused me of planning the whole thing. FML

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By AFH2O - United States - Visalia

Today, I got chewed out by a parent for putting her kid underwater. I teach swim lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

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By Benji - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

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By cheaters_should_die - United States

Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

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By daydreamer - United States - Wilton

Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Left behind

Today, it was my best friend's birthday party. Her boyfriend and I agreed to organize a dinner date to surprise her and celebrate. They celebrated, but forgot me until they arrived at the restaurant and saw the dinner reservation under my name. FML

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By Anonymous

'Cause I'm a Criminal

Today, I woke up to find both of my bank accounts frozen. My bank informed me that the IRS had ordered a freeze on my assets because of back taxes owed, and would not unfreeze them until the money is paid. The amount? $2.47. FML

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By Chewy - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

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By PandaSuicide

Today, I jokingly told my die-hard Laker fan dad that I converted to become a Celtics fan. He responded, "Get out of my car." I'm currently sitting on a sidewalk, trying to convince him it was a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

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By ThanksMom - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

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By you can't win

A Lose-Lose Situation

Today, after months of being called paranoid, distrusting and over-possessive by my girlfriend for being suspicious of her, I learned that she really is cheating on me with her coworker. When confronted, she called me ignorant, gullible and naive for believing her. FML

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By jacked - United States

Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be I found a note. It said "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, my parents went to the Cayman Islands, leaving me at home in freezing Iowa. Also, even though I never get into trouble, they don't trust me enough to be home on my own. So they hired a babysitter to stay with me until they get back. I'm 17. FML

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By WTF is all I ask - United States - Mcallen

Today, I was at the mall, when I saw an elderly lady drop her groceries, so I rushed over to help her pick them up. She took one look at me, called me a "Liberal bastard," and shouted for me to get away from her before she called the cops. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the airhead sitting next to me at work who can't get anything done on her own, makes more money than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 22:58

Worth it

Today, my mom thought it would be funny to wake me up with a monster mask on, holding a knife, and screaming, "I'm going to kill you!" My first response was to punch her in the face then kick her. Guess who's grounded for a month. FML

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By I hate retail - Australia - Kensington

Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

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By Female - United States - Montebello

Today, I was excited to finally get an interview after being unemployed since getting out of the military nearly a year ago. Turns out, they weren't even interested in hiring me. They'd just never met a female Marine before. FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of one week is suicidal and crazy about me. She showed me that she carved her old boyfriends name in her arm and she threatened suicide if I ever left her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML

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By Dixienornous - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

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By Damn

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

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By Jake - Australia

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I looked in my mouse's cage and noticed a tiny weed growing. I've been trying to grow a garden for years to no avail. Even my mouse is a better gardener than I am. FML

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By lonely

Today, not only can I not get a real boyfriend, I can't even get one on the Sims. FML

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By romantic84 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML

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By sad - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

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Top comments

By howard007 | 18

#6395783 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch

By MagnusDeus | 24

#6395765 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:31

Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire.
Sorry OP

COMMENTS

By xxjordan715xx | 17

#6395760 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:30

I'm sorry OP, that must really suck. Hopefully they can give you some medicine to help with swelling and pain!

False_Stupidity | 41

#6395875 - Friday 28 August 2015 22:43

I'm sure this is not what OP had in mind for having a swell time...

onlychildFTW | 33

#6395930 - Saturday 29 August 2015 0:29

Well once it clears up at least he won't be unsuckable anymore. (OPs name)

By MagnusDeus | 24

#6395765 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:31

Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire.
Sorry OP

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6396128 - Saturday 29 August 2015 5:33

Talk about a Cockburn...

By TheAnon1313 | 28

#6395766 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:32

Aw you poor guy. Hope the doctor managed to prescribe something to help with the pain.

By Garrett2818 | 21

#6395767 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:32

Damn that's fucked up. At least you probably have some solid girth now hahahah.

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6395772 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:33

Oh my.....

By danthehuman | 29

#6395773 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:33

By IridianShadow | 20

#6395778 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:35

You shouldn't make it a habit to fall asleep outside. What happened was truly awful. But at the very least it wasn't a Brazilian walking spider.

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6395866 - Friday 28 August 2015 22:28

Is there such thing as a Brazilian spider? Well shit.

IamHercules | 24

#6395894 - Friday 28 August 2015 23:09

"How much is a Brazilian?"

JustinJK | 21

#6395895 - Friday 28 August 2015 23:09

Brazilian wandering spiders are scary af

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6395972 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:31

Holy shit I just googled it. We call it "armadeira", never knew it was common here. Goodbye cruel world.

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6395779 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:35

I'm so sorry OP, and considering that fire ants are related to bees and wasps, and not ants, that must have been a pain. Also you may want to take Benadryl to keep the histamine reaction down. Feel better soon OP!

AnOriginalName | 19

#6395939 - Saturday 29 August 2015 0:54

Well bees, ants, and wasps are all in the family Hymenoptera so they're all related to each other. It's just that some species hurt a lot more than others.

By Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6395782 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Well that certainly bites.

By howard007 | 18

#6395783 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch