Health: Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because...

By unsuckable - 28/08/2015 06:13 - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 889

You deserved it 4 164

Health

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Same thing different taste

By julian1 - 19/08/2015 11:34 - United States - Orlando

Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 055

You deserved it 10 547

Bailed out

By Why's it so cold in here? - 01/02/2015 18:13 - United States

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 815

You deserved it 2 973

By hjgjh - 27/04/2009 06:14 - United States

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 573

You deserved it 23 393

By Firepants - 28/08/2010 16:04 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 490

You deserved it 4 101

Sneaky

By Anonymous - 07/10/2019 14:00

Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 205

By Mitchellbassists - 17/04/2015 15:27 - United States - Dayton

Today, while mowing my backyard, I carelessly ran over a fire ant hill. Thousands of tiny stinging insects blowing towards you while you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt is definitely not fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 884

You deserved it 5 433

By kaylajere - 26/05/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I decided to lay out and tan. I fell asleep and got sun burned and bitten numerous times by mosquitoes. If I scratch my itch, the burn hurts terribly. If I don't scratch it, it itches terribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 165

You deserved it 36 780

By pissed off - 17/05/2014 00:33 - United States - Brentwood

Today, I was taking a piss, when a mosquito came out of nowhere and headed straight for my dick. In my startled attempt to ward it away, I pissed all over everything, including myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 697

You deserved it 14 962

By Whyis Dremora - 30/09/2018 15:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 812

You deserved it 285

Priapism Tuesday

By Anonymous - 29/08/2023 04:00

Today, I took Viagra so we could have sex at bedtime. We fell asleep afterwards, but I must've had a reaction to the Viagra as it was still erect this morning and must have been erect all night, way longer than 4 hours. I went straight to hospital as my penis was numb and pale blue. Help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 214

howard007 18

Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch

MagnusDeus 24

Friday 28 August 2015 20:31

Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire. Sorry OP

Comments

xxjordan715xx 17

Friday 28 August 2015 20:30

I'm sorry OP, that must really suck. Hopefully they can give you some medicine to help with swelling and pain!

False_Stupidity 41

Friday 28 August 2015 22:43

I'm sure this is not what OP had in mind for having a swell time...

onlychildFTW 33

Saturday 29 August 2015 0:29

Well once it clears up at least he won't be unsuckable anymore. (OPs name)

MagnusDeus 24

Friday 28 August 2015 20:31

Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire. Sorry OP

incoherentrmblr 21

Saturday 29 August 2015 5:33

Talk about a Cockburn...

TheAnon1313 28

Friday 28 August 2015 20:32

Aw you poor guy. Hope the doctor managed to prescribe something to help with the pain.

Garrett2818 21

Friday 28 August 2015 20:32

Damn that's ****** up. At least you probably have some solid girth now hahahah.

nikkipettyfer 24

Friday 28 August 2015 20:33

Oh my.....

danthehuman 29

Friday 28 August 2015 20:33

IridianShadow 20

Friday 28 August 2015 20:35

You shouldn't make it a habit to fall asleep outside. What happened was truly awful. But at the very least it wasn't a Brazilian walking spider.

I_Like_Dogs 28

Friday 28 August 2015 22:28

Is there such thing as a Brazilian spider? Well shit.

IamHercules 24

Friday 28 August 2015 23:09

"How much is a Brazilian?"

JustinJK 21

Friday 28 August 2015 23:09

Brazilian wandering spiders are scary af

I_Like_Dogs 28

Saturday 29 August 2015 1:31

Holy shit I just googled it. We call it "armadeira", never knew it was common here. Goodbye cruel world.

MaximumBeat 16

Friday 28 August 2015 20:35

I'm so sorry OP, and considering that fire ants are related to bees and wasps, and not ants, that must have been a pain. Also you may want to take Benadryl to keep the histamine reaction down. Feel better soon OP!

AnOriginalName 19

Saturday 29 August 2015 0:54

Well bees, ants, and wasps are all in the family Hymenoptera so they're all related to each other. It's just that some species hurt a lot more than others.