Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because...

By unsuckable - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

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Health

All in the family

Jealousy

Mr. Burns

By anonymous - United States - Spring Valley

Today, I picked my 12-year-old daughter up from school after her first sexual education lecture. She burst into tears on the way home explaining her fears of being pregnant with her boyfriend's child. As if that doesn't sound bad enough, I've met her boyfriend before. He is imaginary. FML

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By sadwife - United States

Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our 1 year anniversary and it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two pack of cigarettes. FML

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By overlandparkmommie - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

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By igiveup - Australia - Sydney

Today, it's my wedding anniversary; my husband forgot. My daughter gave me two beautiful long stem roses and said she would look after her sister while we went out to celebrate. My daughter is more romantic and thoughtful than my own husband. FML

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By justine - United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

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By bitchonia - 28/3/2020 17:00 - Canada

Sign your name across my…?

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he'd think of me getting his initials tattooed over my heart. "That's awesome, babe," he answered enthusiastically. "But could you get them on your ass instead?" FML

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By Hormones apparently - United States - Westerville

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

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By left, I guess - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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By somebodyelse - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, and then he said, "Lets pretend you are someone else." FML

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By whooops - United States

Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML

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By PhantomKitty - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

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By Gob - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

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By Sodge - Australia

Today, I was impressing dinner guests by spinning my new baby in the air (something she loves), when she projectile vomited over the dinner table and the guests. My wife, who had spent three hours cooking was not impressed. Once of the guests was also a sympathy spewer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It was also the first time he'd ever had sex. How could I tell? He cried all the way through, and called his parents right after. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got in a heated fight and ended up being punched in the jaw. The fight was about Harry Potter. FML

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By Username - France

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dog died. I spent ages digging him a grave and buried him in the garden so that my dad wouldn't have to deal with the stress when he got home from work. When my dad got home he told me that he had wanted the dog to be cremated. I have just had to dig up my dog's body. FML

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By turtle - United States

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

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By Zedscar - United States - Martinsburg

Today, my 8-year-old nephew told me he liked the way I smelt. Apparently I smell like "cat food and cheese." FML

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By Broguy - Canada

Today, I called my phone company to get some answers about my phone bill. I was okay with being put on hold. In fact, I was on hold for so long, that the music stopped playing. When someone finally answered they told me to call back tomorrow. All my phones disconnected an hour later. FML

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By blotchy-girl - New Zealand

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By If IQs could be negative... - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I had to drive my husband to hospital after he tried to burn his pubes off with a lighter as part of a bet. On the upside, he probably won't be bugging me for sex for a while. On the downside, I'm married to a moron. FML

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By beaten - United States

Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML

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By thanks - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 21st birthday. I got a call from my deadbeat dad, who I thought had finally mellowed and had something nice to say. Nope; he just told me I'm 21 years a disappointment, then hung up. FML

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By logansowow

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

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By golfstar11 - United States - Savannah

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

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By ineedanewjob - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

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By randa

Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

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By jlw1998 - United States - Dallas

Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML

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By ImaSneakyNinja - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

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By jennybrev - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

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By 11321 - United States

Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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By edulover - United States

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Global stinking

Today, my boyfriend told me he thinks brushing his teeth and doing anything basically hygienic is unnecessary now, because, "we're all going to die out around about 2050 anyway." FML

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By Weathersucks - France

Today, I was on my way to meet the girl I like at the beach. I parked my truck and walked to the restaurant where I was supposed to meet her. She wasn't there so I called her and she told me she cancelled because it started raining. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. FML

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By HelpMe1 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, my boss told me to fire the unstable, former military, gun nut employee. He's been making death threats to his supervisors. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in an attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend picked me up and threw me down onto the bed. I fell straight through it. FML

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By blakeintheoffice - United States

Today, my insane boss decided I poop too much. Now, every time I go to the bathroom, he follows me in and tries to get me to hurry up by reading passages from 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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Top comments

By howard007 | 18

#6395783 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch

By MagnusDeus | 24

#6395765 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:31

Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire.
Sorry OP

COMMENTS

By xxjordan715xx | 17

#6395760 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:30

I'm sorry OP, that must really suck. Hopefully they can give you some medicine to help with swelling and pain!

False_Stupidity | 41

#6395875 - Friday 28 August 2015 22:43

I'm sure this is not what OP had in mind for having a swell time...

onlychildFTW | 33

#6395930 - Saturday 29 August 2015 0:29

Well once it clears up at least he won't be unsuckable anymore. (OPs name)

By MagnusDeus | 24

#6395765 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:31

Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire.
Sorry OP

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6396128 - Saturday 29 August 2015 5:33

Talk about a Cockburn...

By TheAnon1313 | 28

#6395766 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:32

Aw you poor guy. Hope the doctor managed to prescribe something to help with the pain.

By Garrett2818 | 21

#6395767 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:32

Damn that's fucked up. At least you probably have some solid girth now hahahah.

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6395772 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:33

Oh my.....

By danthehuman | 29

#6395773 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:33

By IridianShadow | 20

#6395778 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:35

You shouldn't make it a habit to fall asleep outside. What happened was truly awful. But at the very least it wasn't a Brazilian walking spider.

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6395866 - Friday 28 August 2015 22:28

Is there such thing as a Brazilian spider? Well shit.

IamHercules | 24

#6395894 - Friday 28 August 2015 23:09

"How much is a Brazilian?"

JustinJK | 21

#6395895 - Friday 28 August 2015 23:09

Brazilian wandering spiders are scary af

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6395972 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:31

Holy shit I just googled it. We call it "armadeira", never knew it was common here. Goodbye cruel world.

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6395779 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:35

I'm so sorry OP, and considering that fire ants are related to bees and wasps, and not ants, that must have been a pain. Also you may want to take Benadryl to keep the histamine reaction down. Feel better soon OP!

AnOriginalName | 19

#6395939 - Saturday 29 August 2015 0:54

Well bees, ants, and wasps are all in the family Hymenoptera so they're all related to each other. It's just that some species hurt a lot more than others.

By Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6395782 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Well that certainly bites.

By howard007 | 18

#6395783 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch