Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because...

By unsuckable - 28/8/2015 06:13 - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23790

You deserved it

4135

Favorite

Health

Instadrama

Great boyfriend

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36641

You deserved it

3862

Favorite

By icantdrive - 19/3/2009 04:22 - Canada

Today, I went to a party to see my crush. He offered me a drink and I declined telling him that I don't drink because alcohol makes people act stupid and crash their cars. He then saw me back into a car parked on the street and shatter my backlights as I reversed from the driveway to go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18242

You deserved it

73169

Favorite

By Drizztreri - 5/3/2014 00:09 - United States - Imperial

Today, my mother asked me why her new airsoft gun wasn't working. I explained to her that it doesn't actually shoot air, it requires pellets too. She looked at me like I was too stupid to be her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42680

You deserved it

3305

Favorite

By knockedup - 13/2/2011 10:00 - Australia

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28547

You deserved it

5462

Favorite

By popeye - 25/2/2010 15:18 - United States

Today, I was trying to take the cap off a can of spray cooking oil. It was really stuck so I pulled extra hard. It flew off and I punched myself in the head. I also sprayed myself in the eye with it. The lump on my forehead and my swollen shut eye make me look like Popeye, but I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24008

You deserved it

5321

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/7/2014 17:52 - United States - Bremerton

Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55501

You deserved it

5404

Favorite

By Aprilfools - 12/4/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years getting intimate with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

137744

You deserved it

7902

Favorite

By dumbblonde - 13/7/2019 00:31

Today, I figured out that the roommate who I let move in with me on Sunday is probably a prostitute. I’m a lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1608

You deserved it

362

Favorite

By fmlfmlfml - 20/7/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I slept together. In the middle of the night, he saw my phone receiving a text from someone saying "Hey baby, I missed you so much! I'm going to be visiting in a couple of days, hope to see you again, I love you!". He got mad and left my house. It was my dad from Ohio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53236

You deserved it

4824

Favorite

By FractalSanity - 1/2/2009 08:11 - Canada

Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26533

You deserved it

11379

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/4/2019 16:00

Today, I got pulled over and ticketed while taking cookies to the local police station. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1764

You deserved it

721

Favorite

By anonymous - 21/11/2012 18:16 - United States - Tucson

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26152

You deserved it

7613

Favorite

By John - 2/11/2012 04:13 - United States

Today, I was working in a call center when I smelled perfume. I'm allergic, and it triggered my asthma. When I came back, some jerk had sprayed it all over my work area. I couldn't go near it for the rest of my shift, therefore I had to go home early, and got my paycheck docked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27538

You deserved it

2226

Favorite

By MrOh - 9/8/2011 17:29 - Canada

Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39569

You deserved it

4490

Favorite

By im_a_mocker - 28/1/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23201

You deserved it

5842

Favorite

By CatofSteel - 5/3/2017 22:00

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4797

You deserved it

548

Favorite

By Chris - 3/4/2011 17:41 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29540

You deserved it

4107

Favorite

By H-B - 28/4/2009 08:53 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17567

You deserved it

88746

Favorite

By sadness - 12/10/2012 02:48 - United States - Metairie

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29267

You deserved it

2262

Favorite

By smeeagain - 21/10/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, I was chaperoning at my local high school's Homecoming dance. Outside the gym, I saw some kids drinking, so I walked over to stop them. One of them promptly spun around and punched me in the mouth. I had my ass handed to by a drunk 9th grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29403

You deserved it

6341

Favorite

By - 26/12/2019 20:00

Christmas shopping

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2120

You deserved it

195

Favorite

By he fucking smells like death! - 18/12/2018 13:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was told what a bitch I am for turning down “the nice guy” after he surprised me with flowers and a hand painted portrait. He conveniently left out the part where he texted me multiple creepy porn links, doesn’t brush his teeth and has the personal hygiene of a farm animal! FML

I agree, your life sucks

2968

Phew, glad it wasn't me

362

Favorite

By AshleyRose24 - 23/11/2013 08:02 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I had to have a talk with my stalker. After telling him not to snapchat me, not to text me, and that I'm not interested, all he said was "I think persistence is going to be key here." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46999

You deserved it

3734

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 15:32 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29607

You deserved it

4584

Favorite

By AgentOrion - 29/8/2014 04:16 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42139

You deserved it

5878

Favorite

By tenniemo - 11/6/2018 17:39 - United States - Green Valley

Today, I’m pet-sitting for my parents while they’re on vacation. So far, one cat has projectile vomited all over the living room, and another has pooped in their bed. Twice. My parents were not concerned when I called, and said this is normal behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3709

You deserved it

279

Favorite

By sad sister - 27/7/2020 14:00

Bye bye love

Today, after my younger sister always made a habit of using everything of mine, from clothes to shoes to jewelry, the list now includes my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1218

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 08:01

Gamergate

Today, after I bought a gaming system two days ago, for too much money, to distract myself from all the horrible things going on in my life and the world, it broke. So now I’m trying to distract myself from the thing I bought to distract myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1029

You deserved it

206

Favorite

By laner - 26/7/2019 12:00

The Stinking of Hill House

Today, I found out my ex-husband left the fridge full of rotting meat in the house that I'm selling. I turned off the power to the house in March. Now the whole house stinks, and I had to have the fridge professionally removed and the kitchen cleaned because buyers are coming to look at it tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1472

You deserved it

380

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 16:09 - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he fell asleep right between my legs. The worst part was I only noticed when he started snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34714

You deserved it

5929

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/1/2015 05:56 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34924

You deserved it

7698

Favorite

By NotEnoughBleach - 14/3/2016 03:58 - United States - Englewood

Roommates from hell

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17658

You deserved it

1315

Favorite

By anonymous - 16/10/2014 20:53 - United States - Canton

Today, I walked into my house and saw it was flooded. I went upstairs to the bathroom to see the toilet overflowing and my boyfriend holding my dog over it so he could drink it. My boyfriend said he didn't know what else to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39021

You deserved it

4037

Favorite

By wantmeasandwich - 10/7/2015 16:57 - India - Mumbai

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28213

You deserved it

3238

Favorite

By midnightblade163 - 13/1/2016 12:06 - Australia - Caringbah

Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23103

You deserved it

1826

Favorite

By aceshot97 - 6/12/2011 14:33 - Canada

Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street, as I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30381

You deserved it

7528

Favorite

By Puick - 26/12/2013 23:50 - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42498

You deserved it

9738

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 06:04 - United States

Today, I think my friends were trying to tell me something with all my Christmas gifts being mostly perfume, deodorant, and soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12580

You deserved it

30413

Favorite

By Nick - 20/7/2013 19:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61071

You deserved it

5095

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/5/2017 12:00

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2640

You deserved it

4412

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By howard007 | 18

#6395783 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch

By MagnusDeus | 23

#6395765 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:31

Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire.
Sorry OP

COMMENTS

By xxjordan715xx | 17

#6395760 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:30

I'm sorry OP, that must really suck. Hopefully they can give you some medicine to help with swelling and pain!

False_Stupidity | 41

#6395875 - Friday 28 August 2015 22:43

I'm sure this is not what OP had in mind for having a swell time...

onlychildFTW | 33

#6395930 - Saturday 29 August 2015 0:29

Well once it clears up at least he won't be unsuckable anymore. (OPs name)

By MagnusDeus | 23

#6395765 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:31

Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire.
Sorry OP

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6396128 - Saturday 29 August 2015 5:33

Talk about a Cockburn...

By TheAnon1313 | 28

#6395766 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:32

Aw you poor guy. Hope the doctor managed to prescribe something to help with the pain.

By Garrett2818 | 21

#6395767 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:32

Damn that's fucked up. At least you probably have some solid girth now hahahah.

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6395772 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:33

Oh my.....

By danthehuman | 29

#6395773 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:33

By IridianShadow | 20

#6395778 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:35

You shouldn't make it a habit to fall asleep outside. What happened was truly awful. But at the very least it wasn't a Brazilian walking spider.

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6395866 - Friday 28 August 2015 22:28

Is there such thing as a Brazilian spider? Well shit.

IamHercules | 24

#6395894 - Friday 28 August 2015 23:09

"How much is a Brazilian?"

JustinJK | 21

#6395895 - Friday 28 August 2015 23:09

Brazilian wandering spiders are scary af

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6395972 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:31

Holy shit I just googled it. We call it "armadeira", never knew it was common here. Goodbye cruel world.

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6395779 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:35

I'm so sorry OP, and considering that fire ants are related to bees and wasps, and not ants, that must have been a pain. Also you may want to take Benadryl to keep the histamine reaction down. Feel better soon OP!

AnOriginalName | 19

#6395939 - Saturday 29 August 2015 0:54

Well bees, ants, and wasps are all in the family Hymenoptera so they're all related to each other. It's just that some species hurt a lot more than others.

By Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6395782 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Well that certainly bites.

By howard007 | 18

#6395783 - Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch