Miscellaneous: Today, I overheard my parents talking about our family pet. Or...

By familypet - 09/01/2016 03:09 - United States - Vista

Today, I overheard my parents talking about our family pet. Or at least I thought they were, until my mother exclaimed, "Honestly, I don't know why we keep her." Our dog is male. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 538

You deserved it 1 782

Miscellaneous

Batman

Best teeth in the game

OCD

By Korisite - 30/10/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 052

You deserved it 24 909

By Oh. - 23/07/2019 02:00

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 2 371

By wifeofafainter - 24/09/2015 06:31 - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 352

You deserved it 3 051

RAWK N ROLL!!!

By stagedivefail - 19/08/2009 14:36 - Australia

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 841

You deserved it 59 578

By hopeless cluts - 29/01/2012 07:36 - Canada

Today, as I was crossing the slush covered street to catch the bus, I slipped and fell right in the middle of the road. A woman in a car rolled down her window. She didn't ask if I was okay but just laughed and took a picture of me covered in cold, wet slush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 042

You deserved it 2 371

By steakysteak - 12/03/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, I got a package in the mail from my girlfriend. I was really excited until I realized that it was just a box full things that I gave to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 130

You deserved it 2 470

By Jon - 05/05/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's son mowing their lawn when suddenly he started to do this crazy dance. Chuckling at his antics I waved and walked back into my house. His mom called me from a hospital later to ask if I could put the mower away; he had been attacked by bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 483

You deserved it 47 288

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 10:57 - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 166

You deserved it 27 892

Went a bit too far, Sigmund

By notatherapist - 01/10/2014 23:08 - Netherlands - Huizen

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 400

You deserved it 6 297

By pgmonster - 21/05/2015 10:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I backed into an expensive SUV only minutes after my boss congratulated me for being the only employee to not wreck a company car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 857

You deserved it 5 355

By calidreaming - 09/05/2012 14:40 - Japan - Osaka

Today, as I got off the bus, I saw a girl counting her change making sure she had enough for the ride. Since it was my last stop for the day, I offered my day pass to her. She replied, "Get away, freak." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 411

You deserved it 2 690

By brylynn - 26/08/2012 01:58 - United States

Today, I fainted during my sister's wedding because my dress was too tight. When I woke up, she slapped me hard across the face. Why? Because I "took all the attention away" from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 084

You deserved it 7 758

By horny bastard - 16/01/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 748

You deserved it 41 730

By Anonymous - 03/06/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was riding on my bike when a guy on the street shouted, "I LOVE YOU!" at me. I recently told my boyfriend I loved him, and his response was, "I don't love you but I won't treat you any differently." Perverts on the street love me, but my boyfriend doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 559

You deserved it 5 557

Mortified

By Anonymous - 18/11/2020 01:08 - United States - Joplin

Today, I bought my first ever vibrator after months of wanting one. Apparently, I bought a cheap product, because it broke and started going off by itself later. It shook my whole dresser while my best friend and I were in the room. I couldn't get it to shut off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 220

By cargaljen - 07/08/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 096

You deserved it 5 034

On the ball

By angie24w - 19/06/2020 07:55

Today, after an emergency doctor told me to go to the pharmacy to get Zantac for possible stomach ulcers, I was told by the pharmacist that it was actually recalled a year ago. I had to pay almost double the price for another antacid. Thanks a lot for knowing your stuff, ER doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 160

By Lolaa123 - 25/09/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, my 5 year old daughter told me that I needed to stay 50 feet away from her at all times when we were at school, mostly because I didn't hang with the cool parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 138

You deserved it 3 846

By noname - 09/12/2008 02:03 - France

Today, I wanted to join the bus drivers strike. I couldn't… the buses were on strike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 568

You deserved it 5 427

By JuggaloSlasher15 - 08/08/2013 23:03 - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 672

You deserved it 6 779

By Matthew - 16/06/2017 22:00 - United States - Largo

Today, after working at my summer job for 3 weeks, I was informed that I was too young to work there. I had contacted them 3 months prior and had given them my birthdate multiple times. I had also attended a special training in their corporate HQ, which I drove 7 hours both ways to get to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 068

You deserved it 303

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 975

You deserved it 3 055

Like riding a bike

By my teeth! - 24/07/2020 14:07

Today, my sister and I were trying to teach our kids how to Double Dutch. While giving a demonstration of how to jump in while the ropes were turning, my feet got jumbled. I ended up faceplanting in front of all the kids, who screamed in horror at my bloodied face and missing tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 342

You deserved it 334

By jamerz - 26/05/2019 04:00

Today, someone informed me that my new boyfriend's tattoo is really an old Nazi symbol and not just a poorly-drawn skull. Now I'm trying to figure out how to ask him whether he's a neo-Nazi or not. Why am I so nervous? I'm Jewish, he just hasn't heard my last name yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 323

You deserved it 417

Unexpected

By bruh - 28/03/2017 20:00

Today, I asked my girlfriend to prom. Instead of saying yes, she broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 850

You deserved it 319

By echolaker2019 - 11/04/2016 03:57 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, I had a second date with a really hot guy I met at the mall. Lucky for me, I went into anaphylactic shock from shrimp and the guy called my parents. When I left the hospital, I was notified that after he called my parents, he ordered more food and charged it to my credit card on file. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 774

You deserved it 1 617

By Amey - 04/05/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her Grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 269

You deserved it 29 331

By Kasey Eames - 23/12/2012 06:19 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 775

You deserved it 8 367

By Reggie - 27/04/2018 19:00

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 796

You deserved it 612

By waxer150 - 22/03/2015 22:32 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 237

You deserved it 8 606

By goinginsane - 06/05/2011 07:25

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 720

You deserved it 7 142

By Username - 27/06/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 343

You deserved it 7 737

By crapgirl - 18/04/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 034

You deserved it 3 731

By s - 09/12/2016 02:38

Today, I parked in a "Disabled" space. A woman and her kids comes yelling at me about how I don't look disabled and I was just being selfish. I roll my pants up to reveal two prosthetic legs. She then yells at me that I should have warned her before showing my legs since it could scare her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 895

You deserved it 645

By CharlieKearney - 10/01/2016 23:33 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, the guy I made out with on New Year's Eve finally called me. Too bad it was to blame me for the picture of us which someone had sent to his girlfriend. I never took a picture, and had no idea he was in a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 066

You deserved it 1 889

By blairheir721 - 17/05/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my friend Kate and I were helping build a playground. Halfway through, a construction worker asks where we go to school. I told him we graduated and proudly held degrees in psych. The construction worker stopped mid-dig, glanced at us sadly and said, "yeah that's what my degree's in too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 213

You deserved it 8 782

By Username - 17/03/2011 04:04

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 759

You deserved it 5 223

By Anonymous - 28/01/2011 17:00 - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 834

You deserved it 4 600

Losing more than I'll ever have

By Into the darkness - 30/03/2021 21:30

Today, my girlfriend left me. When she moved out, she even took the light bulbs with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 90

By bTOhno - 13/08/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 980

You deserved it 4 715

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Top comments

LilMissCanadian 22

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Saturday 9 January 2016 19:59

Don't sweat it OP, they probably weren't being serious. Parents always say things like that when they're ticked off.

drayloon 50

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Saturday 9 January 2016 19:58

Maybe your parents didn't like the dog because they thought she was a bitch?

Livin_Like_Larry 29

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Saturday 9 January 2016 19:57

I bet they knew you were there and we're just joking around. If not, fyl OP

drayloon 50

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Saturday 9 January 2016 19:58

Maybe your parents didn't like the dog because they thought she was a bitch?

Rawr3175 7

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Saturday 9 January 2016 20:04

I don't mean to be rude, but you should probably the post again. The dog is a male.

somethingtru 3

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Saturday 9 January 2016 20:09

#9 learn to complete your sentences and not leave out important words

drayloon 50

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Saturday 9 January 2016 20:10

The dog is male but the parents thought it was female Also just for goofs, you should probably proofread your replies to make sure you didn't forget any words lol

scyth3s 13

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Saturday 9 January 2016 20:21

Or he shouldn't reply when what he has to say is retarded.

riahlum 12

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Saturday 9 January 2016 21:37

Pretty sure by "thought they were talking about the pet until" meant she thought it was about the dog and then realized it was about her.

britbear0731 9

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Sunday 10 January 2016 1:01

a bitch is a female dog. he was saying that the parents thought the dog was female. my mom calls my male dog a she all the time. she forgets he is male

JKPwnage 25

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Monday 11 January 2016 0:07

#9 I think you accidentally the verb.

ChrisIsCool07 5

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:52

I see what you there

swag_bear 18

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Saturday 9 January 2016 19:58

Maybe it could be a new female pet! But really, that sucks op

LilMissCanadian 22

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Saturday 9 January 2016 19:59

Don't sweat it OP, they probably weren't being serious. Parents always say things like that when they're ticked off.

Lalala579121 27

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Saturday 9 January 2016 23:15

What if they weren't ticked off.

KhaleesiDannie 26

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Saturday 9 January 2016 20:00

It could be your mom misspoke my mom is constantly calling all our animals girls or boys no matter the actual gender

ChopSuey444 20

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Saturday 9 January 2016 20:50

This is exactly what I was gonna say. We have a male cat that my mom ALWAYS calls "she".

Bekll 31

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Sunday 10 January 2016 4:42

Same. My family has three boy cats my father keeps referring to with female pronouns.

stingray112 24

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Saturday 9 January 2016 20:00

Parents can be assholes sometimes sorry friend

jentrynicole 20

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Saturday 9 January 2016 20:01

It could've been that your mom accidentally called your pet a her. Or it could just be then joking between each other about you. I'm sure they still love you and just thought they were being funny.

oiler 21

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Saturday 9 January 2016 21:39

Yes, its hilarious to talk behind peoples back. Especially if their your kid

chinaski7628 32

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Saturday 9 January 2016 23:54

My family tends to be very sarcastic. We aren't very good with feelings, but we're great with jokes. To outsiders, it can seem like we're really mean to each other, but that's just how we are. All families work in different ways. Most likely it was a joke.