Miscellaneous: Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that...

By fleetingmemories - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44917

You deserved it

4308

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Walk on the wild side

Summertime sadness

Not gonna happen

By drpepperking10 - United States

Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16240

Phew, glad it wasn't me

3240

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21091

You deserved it

25883

Favorite

By Haze - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my childhood dream and got a puppy, after years of me nagging at them. The only downside is that I no longer live at home and he's not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22353

You deserved it

2183

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Paramus

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

I agree, your life sucks

72009

You deserved it

9510

Favorite

By Holymoly - Netherlands

Today, I woke up with a hangover and my girlfriend seemed pissed at me. It took me a while before I remembered having sex the night before. I just didn't know exactly what had happened after that had pissed her off. Then I realized nothing happened, because I fell asleep while she was on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10609

You deserved it

39542

Favorite

By fmlprobot - United States

Today, my baseball team had a game and one of our best players was injured sliding into first. I'm pretty fast so when the coach called my name I grabbed a helmet assuming it was finally my chance to get in the game. Turns out he just wanted me to get ice. The entire team couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46188

You deserved it

4649

Favorite

By SucksToBeMe - United States

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10485

You deserved it

117933

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35740

You deserved it

4181

Favorite

By mjbx - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33778

You deserved it

15927

Favorite

By lel

Today, I got a blue screen of death on my brand new computer. Why? My parents installed an "anti-virus" before I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2910

You deserved it

222

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27269

You deserved it

1809

Favorite

By NoctisMax - United States - Humble

Today, I was caught doing it with my boyfriend in a car because we wanted to have privacy from my family. I'm a grown adult with my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8414

You deserved it

2364

Favorite

By TheBRADLeyB - United States

Today, I was going 73 in a 55 on a country road when an oncoming cop passed me. He pulled a U turn. I turned off the main road and took random turns. I got lost, was 30 minutes late to work, and the cop still found me and gave me two tickets. I had to ask him for directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12535

You deserved it

96553

Favorite

By CrystalsDontWork - United States - El Paso

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer as well as a soothsayer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36528

You deserved it

2753

Favorite

By a-scared - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41492

You deserved it

8610

Favorite

By Jacky-Boy - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44365

You deserved it

7419

Favorite

By Johnny - United States - Memphis

Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31340

You deserved it

8676

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Evansville

Today, I met my husband's family for the first time. My nightmare versions were better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27652

You deserved it

2902

Favorite

By ScaredDad

Today, I needed to grab something from the garage. As soon as the door closed, I heard a little click sound. My one-year-old seems to have figured out the door lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1777

You deserved it

225

Favorite

By MissSmarts - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6957

You deserved it

39481

Favorite

By Miranda - 7/6/2020 17:06

Confused

Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1601

You deserved it

421

Favorite

By stinkystinky

Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13384

You deserved it

878

Favorite

By Turdfoot - United States - Prosper

Today, I discovered that my cat recently had explosive diarrhea, and couldn't make it to the litterbox in time. I discovered this when I stepped in the very, very fresh poop with my bare feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33304

You deserved it

4382

Favorite

By jcc - Russian Federation

Sage advice

Today, I'm reading in the subway sitting one leg over the other. An old lady sits down next to me. After quietly examining me for about two stations she leans over to me and whispers in my ear: "Girl, sitting like all the time will make you end up with a crooked c**t". I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49486

You deserved it

5542

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11576

You deserved it

1111

Favorite

By maddengirl12 - United States

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54370

You deserved it

3962

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, according to my girlfriend's instant messenger, which she left open on my laptop, I am her rough shag on the side while she searches for a guy who is husband material that her parents will approve of. I guess the engagement ring in my bag is going back to the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5169

You deserved it

292

Favorite

By Brookie Bear

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5000

You deserved it

424

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/2/2021 20:01 - United States

Failing upwards

Today, I got my acceptance letter from Harvard University. Yay! Unfortunately, I sent it as a joke, never thinking I'd get accepted and I have absolutely no way to get there, or the money to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

723

You deserved it

436

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30417

You deserved it

2607

Favorite

By BriarFace - United States - Springfield

Today, I put up a sign asking motorcyclists to slow down near horses, as the noise can spook them. While I was riding near the sign, a biker slowed to read it, looked at me, then revved his engine loudly and raced off. My horse bucked me off into some brambles and bolted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20867

You deserved it

2148

Favorite

By YouDontSay - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37353

You deserved it

6845

Favorite

By superjstorm - Philippines

Today, I went to the mall and couldn't find a parking spot. After circling around for 20 minutes, I finally saw a shaded spot in the uncovered parking lot area under a tree. It turns out, I parked under a coconut tree. I could tell from the coconut planted into my hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33823

You deserved it

9662

Favorite

By just a joke - 8/6/2020 20:08

He has issues

Today, I playfully drew thick eyebrows on my one-year-old son to make him look like a cartoon villain. He laughed cutely in the mirror as I took some adorable pictures. When my husband saw, he threw such a horrendous fit about boys and makeup, I was reduced to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2460

You deserved it

316

Favorite

By Albert - United States - Dover

Today, I went to see my orthodontist. He informed me that I have an underbite and I will probably need braces again. I just had them taken off last year, after five and a half years of oral hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26415

You deserved it

2057

Favorite

By Rainman - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46742

You deserved it

14266

Favorite

By Username - France

Today, my mum suggested that I should take self-defense lessons just in case I ever get attacked. Jokingly, I said, "As long as I walk under street lamps, no one is going to touch me." She replied, "Well, you never know, they might mistake you for someone good looking." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32276

You deserved it

4829

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 20:08

Long story short

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1536

You deserved it

406

Favorite

By linzl00 - United States - Springfield

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39055

You deserved it

3626

Favorite

By fatpreggo - United States

Today, I was proudly telling my husband that I only gained 8lbs through the pregnancy thus far. I usually obsess over my weight so it was a great accomplishment for me. He then turned and pinched my arms. "well it looks like all the fat migrated to your arms." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42937

You deserved it

8245

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By carelessxdanger | 9

#5772946 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:28

did they give you a lower bail bond in light of the black friday spirit? (:

By spluver0005 | 17

#5772944 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:27

Hey toasters are important you know

COMMENTS

By spluver0005 | 17

#5772944 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:27

Hey toasters are important you know

cheshirecat13242 | 32

#5772975 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:37

Yeah--don't F with a man's capability to make toast..

wcc7777777 | 5

#5772996 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:48

The next best thing to sliced bread? Heated to a crisp sliced bread

JMichael | 25

#5773159 - Saturday 30 November 2013 11:56

Put some butter and cinnamon on that shit and it makes toast soooo worth it

nix1993 | 41

#5773389 - Saturday 30 November 2013 17:55

Did he at least get the toaster?

154rct | 7

#5778632 - Wednesday 4 December 2013 17:31

"All toasters, toast toast." --Mario

By carelessxdanger | 9

#5772946 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:28

did they give you a lower bail bond in light of the black friday spirit? (:

zandalee | 19

#5773016 - Saturday 30 November 2013 6:10

No because the police thought he was too toasted.

mallu86 | 9

#5773604 - Saturday 30 November 2013 20:19

90% off and they did accept the buy one get one free coupon. It couldn't get any better than that.

By kak_999999999 | 12

#5772949 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:29

Oh the joys of Black Friday...

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5772950 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:29

I'm sure it wasn't just ANY toaster. I mean, who would do that for a simple toaster? Must have been the Little Brave Toaster.

Comet_Candy | 23

#5772973 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:37

It must make some pretty godly toast.

adam3650 | 12

#5773141 - Saturday 30 November 2013 11:01

The little toaster who could.

tpm45 | 25

#5773217 - Saturday 30 November 2013 13:59

Bet it was a toaster oven. Cold War style baby.

TheCrispyCat | 20

#5773430 - Saturday 30 November 2013 18:41

It was probably a Toaster-Radio on sale for $5

By Killswitchknot | 20

#5772955 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:30

That better have been the greatest toaster in the world for anyone to fight for it.

persianninja | 23

#5773006 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:58

It probably won an award

onlychildFTW | 33

#5773150 - Saturday 30 November 2013 11:30

Maybe it's a 6 slice toaster! Can't go wrong with that.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5773370 - Saturday 30 November 2013 17:38

Yeah, how many pieces of toast do you put into this toaster?

By AGhost5445 | 25

#5772956 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:30

The things we do for toasters huh

By lindora | 35

#5772957 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:31

I can't believe people are so heavily manipulated by money. Sheeple.

dreadbeat69 | 12

#5773107 - Saturday 30 November 2013 9:02

It was a good post until you ruined it with "sheeple". Come on...

Flowtastic | 16

#5773135 - Saturday 30 November 2013 10:40

Or manipulated in general to do a seductive selfie while looking like they tried on mascara and eyeliner for the first time ever...

Sheeple indeed!

fucMyLifeSoHard | 18

#5773197 - Saturday 30 November 2013 12:47

51- You should really tell her to put ice on such a severe burn.

Link5794 | 18

#5773395 - Saturday 30 November 2013 18:02

Actually, ice can damage the burnt tissue even more. Cold water is better.

By isallwaysme | 27

#5772960 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:32

well, did the other guy punch your husband first or..? we need a little more detail

By inkdeath87 | 18

#5772964 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:34

We all need a cheap toaster, geez.

By fishstick557 | 14

#5772970 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:36

Guess his buns got toasted