Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that...

By fleetingmemories - 29/11/2013 23:55 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Caught red-handed

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By Massasam - 11/10/2011 20:53 - United States

Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

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By bitch - 4/8/2010 01:19 - United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

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By SocietyToday - 27/8/2017 13:00

Today, I was grocery shopping with my older sister. An elderly couple passed, and the man pointed to my sister, saying, "She LOVES to eat." My sister is 7 months pregnant, and I had to spend the next hour comforting her as she bawled her eyes out because of an off-hand comment from a stranger. FML

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By madisonbubch - 23/9/2014 01:04 - United States - Vine Grove

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML

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By fredo - 19/3/2013 12:31 - United States - Ames

Today, I walked into the room naked while my wife was on the computer to surprise her. She smiled, put down her laptop and left for the bathroom so I started jerking it in anticipation. It was really feeling good until my wife's best friend, who was on Skype, started giggling. FML

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By sneezer - 30/12/2009 04:54 - France

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

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By eemp - 5/2/2010 05:01 - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

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By wheelmaker - 3/12/2018 17:30

Today, the girl I've had several passionate encounters over the past few weeks admitted we cannot entirely be together as she is married. She wants to make it work with me but cannot divorce as she would lose her visa. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

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By as-salamu alaykum, motherfucker - 5/4/2014 22:04 - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, I was having my birthday party. My dad showed up late, blind drunk, and drove his car straight through my garage door. FML

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By Frouse - 28/9/2018 22:02

Today, I was on the worst blind date ever, so I tried to secretly request an Uber to get out of there. My date then picked up his phone, receiving my request. Turns out he's an Uber driver and he was looking for a reason to get out of the date too. FML

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By shelookslikemiley - 23/9/2014 12:48 - Australia

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone. She brought up the family reunion last weekend and how my family is so strange. I didn't know there was a reunion, I wasn't invited. FML

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By - 7/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Zephyrhills

Today, my mom wanted me to pick up my cousin from work immediately. I'm in my shirt and underwear with no other clothes and I'm also too young to drive. She said "He won't mind, and just take my drivers license, they'll never know!" FML

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By anxiety - 16/11/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack because I thought I'd lost my anxiety medication. It ended up being on the shelf right where I left it. FML

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By Better not - 24/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Kenai

Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We're stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML

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By Courtney - 4/2/2012 20:22 - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

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By w-dog - 24/8/2009 17:33 - Canada

Today, after spending $15,000 to treat my dog's cancer over the past two months, he died of kidney failure. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, a man from across the bar looked at me, pointed and said "MMMM, now THAT'S what I want." Offended, I confronted him to tell him I felt disrespected by him referring to me as 'that.' Turns out, he was pointing to the cheeseburger that the waitress behind me was holding. FML

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By Girl - 17/3/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 14:01

Triage

Today, while at my job as a nurse in the ER, someone came in with a hangnail. They threw a fit that they had to wait because we were managing a heart attack, a man with colon cancer and a kid with appendicitis. FML

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By spider-sarah - 8/10/2016 09:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, I called my dad, because I haven't spoken to him in a while, and I wanted to invite him to my graduation in May. When he picked up, I said, "Hey, how have you been, dad?" He scoffed, "Wrong number" and hung up the phone. FML

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By maddengirl12 - 20/2/2014 08:57 - United States

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

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By crap - 7/3/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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By BarBacked - 15/4/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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By derbyboy - 19/10/2011 05:38 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

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By hollysofly - 15/1/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

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By weave9z - 4/9/2012 02:08 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

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By theseguysarewhipped... - 6/10/2014 15:05 - Canada - London

Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML

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By holler - 15/9/2011 04:22 - Japan

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 05:40 - Egypt

Today, I woke up, patted my dog and kissed his nose. He was dead. FML

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By Mandy - 1/3/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I was drunk at my nan's birthday party. My boyfriend texted me asking if I could go out, to which I replied "No, I'm at my nan's house." He then dumped me, calling me a 'cheating whore.' I was confused, until I realised I'd misspelt nan and said "No, I'm at my man's house." FML

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By wellthanks - 10/6/2013 17:04 - United States

Today, in class, we were discussing stereotypes. We were asked about common ones about nearby cities. A guy said, "Well, they say Lumberton has the prettiest girls." My teacher asked if any of us were from Lumberton, so I raised my hand. The guy quickly said, "Nevermind." FML

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By it's just a name - 10/1/2013 05:53 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my husband and I found the perfect house, in our price range and everything we wanted in a house. However, the street it's on is called "Arbour Butte Road". My husband refuses to buy it because he doesn't want it to sound like he lives "in a tree's ass." I'm married to an idiot. FML

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By isuckatparking. seriously. - 16/1/2019 02:00

Today, I was in a hurry to get to my exams. I’m a new driver so my parking was a little crooked but I didn’t have time to fix it. I was expecting to come back to a note on my car. I wasn’t expecting three of my tires to be slashed and the words “I Suck At Parking” to be keyed into my car. FML

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By pandabear - 12/2/2010 19:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I got an alert from Facebook that it was my very popular and attractive classmate's birthday. I decided to be sweet and write "Happy birthday" on her wall, only to notice it wasn't there a few minutes later. I rewrote it again and it disappeared. After three attempts, I took the hint. FML

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By - 18/1/2017 09:02

Today, I realized that I hadn't heard anything about my upcoming class reunion. Turns out it was an invite via Facebook that I didn't receive because most of my classmates are on my block list. FML

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By Loho - 25/3/2009 02:46 - Canada

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

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By tb351 - 28/5/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

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Top comments

By carelessxdanger | 9

#5772946 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:28

did they give you a lower bail bond in light of the black friday spirit? (:

By spluver0005 | 17

#5772944 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:27

Hey toasters are important you know

Comments

By spluver0005 | 17

#5772944 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:27

Hey toasters are important you know

cheshirecat13242 | 32

#5772975 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:37

Yeah--don't F with a man's capability to make toast..

wcc7777777 | 5

#5772996 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:48

The next best thing to sliced bread? Heated to a crisp sliced bread

JMichael | 25

#5773159 - Saturday 30 November 2013 11:56

Put some butter and cinnamon on that shit and it makes toast soooo worth it

nix1993 | 41

#5773389 - Saturday 30 November 2013 17:55

Did he at least get the toaster?

154rct | 7

#5778632 - Wednesday 4 December 2013 17:31

"All toasters, toast toast." --Mario

By carelessxdanger | 9

#5772946 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:28

did they give you a lower bail bond in light of the black friday spirit? (:

zandalee | 19

#5773016 - Saturday 30 November 2013 6:10

No because the police thought he was too toasted.

mallu86 | 9

#5773604 - Saturday 30 November 2013 20:19

90% off and they did accept the buy one get one free coupon. It couldn't get any better than that.

By kak_999999999 | 12

#5772949 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:29

Oh the joys of Black Friday...

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5772950 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:29

I'm sure it wasn't just ANY toaster. I mean, who would do that for a simple toaster? Must have been the Little Brave Toaster.

Comet_Candy | 23

#5772973 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:37

It must make some pretty godly toast.

adam3650 | 12

#5773141 - Saturday 30 November 2013 11:01

The little toaster who could.

tpm45 | 25

#5773217 - Saturday 30 November 2013 13:59

Bet it was a toaster oven. Cold War style baby.

TheCrispyCat | 20

#5773430 - Saturday 30 November 2013 18:41

It was probably a Toaster-Radio on sale for $5

By Killswitchknot | 20

#5772955 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:30

That better have been the greatest toaster in the world for anyone to fight for it.

persianninja | 23

#5773006 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:58

It probably won an award

onlychildFTW | 33

#5773150 - Saturday 30 November 2013 11:30

Maybe it's a 6 slice toaster! Can't go wrong with that.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5773370 - Saturday 30 November 2013 17:38

Yeah, how many pieces of toast do you put into this toaster?

By AGhost5445 | 25

#5772956 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:30

The things we do for toasters huh

By lindora | 31

#5772957 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:31

I can't believe people are so heavily manipulated by money. Sheeple.

dreadbeat69 | 12

#5773107 - Saturday 30 November 2013 9:02

It was a good post until you ruined it with "sheeple". Come on...

Flowtastic | 16

#5773135 - Saturday 30 November 2013 10:40

Or manipulated in general to do a seductive selfie while looking like they tried on mascara and eyeliner for the first time ever...

Sheeple indeed!

fucMyLifeSoHard | 18

#5773197 - Saturday 30 November 2013 12:47

51- You should really tell her to put ice on such a severe burn.

Link5794 | 16

#5773395 - Saturday 30 November 2013 18:02

Actually, ice can damage the burnt tissue even more. Cold water is better.

By isallwaysme | 27

#5772960 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:32

well, did the other guy punch your husband first or..? we need a little more detail

By inkdeath87 | 18

#5772964 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:34

We all need a cheap toaster, geez.

By fishstick557 | 14

#5772970 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:36

Guess his buns got toasted