Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that...

By fleetingmemories - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

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Miscellaneous

Fear factor

Don't shoot the messenger

Vibe check

By Anonymous - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

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30775

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By OhNo - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I accidentally stood up my first date ever. How? I spent all of last night cleaning my parents' house for extra spending money to make sure the date went perfect, but I ended up sleeping through the alarm as well. FML

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22455

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By Noname - United States

Today, I asked a very cute fireman for his number "just in case I needed him to come to my rescue"... He told me "Yeah sure!" and scribbled it down. After he walked away I read his note: "911". FML

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20256

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I though it would be funny to go on my boyfriend's facebook to change his status. While in the process, his account received a message. Turns out he's planning on hooking up with his ex girlfriend/one of my friends and is definitely over me. How's that for snooping around? FML

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By natalyV

Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML

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27858

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By Gribby - United States - Branson

Today, I was accused of shooting drugs at work. I was only feeding a baby bird that was tucked into my arm using a medicine syringe. I've been smuggling it to work because it has to eat every 2 hours or it will starve. Now everyone there thinks I'm a hardcore dope fiend. FML

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49473

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By SquirrellyGirl

Today, my brother asked if I could babysit his kids tomorrow. I declined, as tomorrow is my birthday and I have plans. This isn't the first time he's forgotten my birthday, and I doubt it'll be the last. FML

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1627

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By tacky_unrefined - United States

Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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51373

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By scalmon - United States

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

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13322

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By iamnotfat - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know." FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss decided that a mug and a public 'thank you' were a sufficient substitute for a Christmas bonus. FML

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40342

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By she won't see a therapist - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML

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19420

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered why the toilet seat is often sticky in the morning. My husband is too lazy to lift the seat, instead opting to pee all over it and sleepily wipe it down with loo paper if he notices a splash. He doesn't see why it's a problem since he 'cleans' it. FML

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7371

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By RaveCharlie - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend twice. Apparently the first time she thought I was kidding. FML

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45443

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By kiki - United States

Today, I was working at a grocery store and a man came to my register to ask for the price of a mop. I took the mop from him to scan it without realizing the pole was between his legs. I hit him in the crotch with the pole. FML

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41727

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By googly191 - United States

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

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34561

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By BleakExpectations

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years revealed he'd got me a complete collection of Charles Dickens' novels for £3 from a charity shop. He was particularly proud as he said it meant he could give me one for Christmas and my birthday each year, thus avoiding having to buy me presents for the next 15+ years. FML

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5803

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By WhatsThatSmell - Australia

Today, I took a busy train into the city. I was lucky enough to get a seat. People were forced to stand in the aisle in front of me, and the person directly opposite me, whose butt was level with my head farted in my face. Twice. FML

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35738

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By aianmoo16 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

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11356

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By AmNot - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to the flash of a camera. It was his mother taking pictures of my shoe print on his window sill and night stand. She said she was collecting evidence proving I snuck in through his window last night. FML

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26702

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By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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44506

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML

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19120

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

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36778

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By christine brown - United States

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

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35609

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By stepdaddydoesitbetteranyway - 13/10/2020 20:05

Deadbeat

Today, I found out that my ex is expecting another kid. Not only is this a man who tried to hook up with me last month, he's also the one who, when I asked him to pay child support for our 2, told me that he could just "make some more". Guess he was right. FML

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960

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109

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By Juiced - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

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29359

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By jemma - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

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64938

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4712

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By Notadrugdealer

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

Today, I was just browsing Facebook when my friend sent me a GoFundMe link. Someone wrote a page saying I killed myself and that we need money for funeral services. People are actually donating to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4486

You deserved it

300

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By countrygirl8846 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I went to pick up some pictures I took on a family trip, but the person at the counter said someone else had already picked them up. Now not only am I out $20, some random creep has pictures of me and my whole family. FML

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22230

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

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31394

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By ADD - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

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42639

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By Julez - United States

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

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29178

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By JustWashedTheseJeans

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

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11092

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML

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22814

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By paddy - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a neon themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML

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78401

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30773

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By juliette - United States - Tucson

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

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35340

You deserved it

4471

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Dallas

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

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By I wish it was gum

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

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4883

You deserved it

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By Tise81 - Netherlands - Drachten

Today, my 18-year-old son got his first tattoo. I would have loved it, if it wasn't a text on his hand with a glaring spelling mistake in it. FML

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1474

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Top comments

By carelessxdanger | 9

#5772946 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:28

did they give you a lower bail bond in light of the black friday spirit? (:

By spluver0005 | 17

#5772944 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:27

Hey toasters are important you know

COMMENTS

By spluver0005 | 17

#5772944 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:27

Hey toasters are important you know

cheshirecat13242 | 32

#5772975 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:37

Yeah--don't F with a man's capability to make toast..

wcc7777777 | 5

#5772996 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:48

The next best thing to sliced bread? Heated to a crisp sliced bread

JMichael | 25

#5773159 - Saturday 30 November 2013 11:56

Put some butter and cinnamon on that shit and it makes toast soooo worth it

nix1993 | 41

#5773389 - Saturday 30 November 2013 17:55

Did he at least get the toaster?

154rct | 7

#5778632 - Wednesday 4 December 2013 17:31

"All toasters, toast toast." --Mario

By carelessxdanger | 9

#5772946 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:28

did they give you a lower bail bond in light of the black friday spirit? (:

zandalee | 19

#5773016 - Saturday 30 November 2013 6:10

No because the police thought he was too toasted.

mallu86 | 9

#5773604 - Saturday 30 November 2013 20:19

90% off and they did accept the buy one get one free coupon. It couldn't get any better than that.

By kak_999999999 | 12

#5772949 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:29

Oh the joys of Black Friday...

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5772950 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:29

I'm sure it wasn't just ANY toaster. I mean, who would do that for a simple toaster? Must have been the Little Brave Toaster.

Comet_Candy | 23

#5772973 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:37

It must make some pretty godly toast.

adam3650 | 12

#5773141 - Saturday 30 November 2013 11:01

The little toaster who could.

tpm45 | 25

#5773217 - Saturday 30 November 2013 13:59

Bet it was a toaster oven. Cold War style baby.

TheCrispyCat | 20

#5773430 - Saturday 30 November 2013 18:41

It was probably a Toaster-Radio on sale for $5

By Killswitchknot | 20

#5772955 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:30

That better have been the greatest toaster in the world for anyone to fight for it.

persianninja | 23

#5773006 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:58

It probably won an award

onlychildFTW | 33

#5773150 - Saturday 30 November 2013 11:30

Maybe it's a 6 slice toaster! Can't go wrong with that.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5773370 - Saturday 30 November 2013 17:38

Yeah, how many pieces of toast do you put into this toaster?

By AGhost5445 | 25

#5772956 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:30

The things we do for toasters huh

By lindora | 35

#5772957 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:31

I can't believe people are so heavily manipulated by money. Sheeple.

dreadbeat69 | 12

#5773107 - Saturday 30 November 2013 9:02

It was a good post until you ruined it with "sheeple". Come on...

Flowtastic | 16

#5773135 - Saturday 30 November 2013 10:40

Or manipulated in general to do a seductive selfie while looking like they tried on mascara and eyeliner for the first time ever...

Sheeple indeed!

fucMyLifeSoHard | 18

#5773197 - Saturday 30 November 2013 12:47

51- You should really tell her to put ice on such a severe burn.

Link5794 | 16

#5773395 - Saturday 30 November 2013 18:02

Actually, ice can damage the burnt tissue even more. Cold water is better.

By isallwaysme | 27

#5772960 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:32

well, did the other guy punch your husband first or..? we need a little more detail

By inkdeath87 | 18

#5772964 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:34

We all need a cheap toaster, geez.

By fishstick557 | 14

#5772970 - Saturday 30 November 2013 5:36

Guess his buns got toasted