Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout... - FML

By lonelyheart4ever - 13/8/2016 01:58 - United States - Norman Park

Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML

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Work name

Vultures

Business savvy

By Ackno - 6/5/2017 16:00

Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

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By anonymous - 10/12/2015 02:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

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By SLA - 23/3/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

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By crabmunch15 - 9/9/2012 05:38 - United States - Victorville

Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML

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By WeddingWoes - 3/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Columbia

Today, I sampled some of the food my fiancée's mom is making for our wedding. Everything tasted terrible, and I almost vomited. Turns out she never actually went to culinary school as she claimed, but had just watched Julie and Julia. It's too late to book another caterer for the wedding. FML

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By Henry - 6/2/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

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By FUCKING POWER - 2/11/2013 21:41 - United States - Wixom

Today, there was a power outage at my apartment. I ended up deciding that the power wasn't going to come on any time soon, and that I should go to a hotel for the night. Just after I unpacked at the hotel, my neighbor called to say the power had come back. FML

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By infortunatename - 1/8/2014 23:10 - United States

Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

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By EconM - 3/10/2013 15:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

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By burnnotice - 19/9/2009 14:10 - United States

Today, I was trying to turn on my computer and couldn't. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what was wrong when I finally called my husband for help and made him leave work. He came in, looked at the wall, and plugged it back in. The look on his face said it all. FML

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By nick92 - 15/10/2010 16:40 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

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By jojolee68 - 28/2/2015 19:53 - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

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By sorkin15 - 24/3/2016 21:06 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I went to Costco and the cashier asked me how I was doing so, to be nice, I asked her back. She said, "I'm fucking horrible, I'm working at Costco," nearly making me spit my drink out. FML

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By Boss Troubles - 17/3/2015 06:12 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML

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By Evjoel - 12/9/2016 10:52 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, I decided to take some local college courses to improve my résumé. I got into the physics room and a large, multi-colored sign in large print stated, "NO THROWING OR STABBING." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 04:05

Today, my husband told me that for our anniversary he will be watching the UFC fight, because it is, "one of the biggest events ever and he just can't miss it." Apparently, our one-year wedding anniversary is not as important. To add to it, he said we should watch it together. Very romantic. FML

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By yawho - 25/2/2009 07:25 - Japan

Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML

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By tomchuq - 30/8/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML

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By hairyarms - 10/10/2010 12:47 - Australia

Today, I found out why you don't let your kids grab your arms while their hands are covered in glitter glue. Easy to get it on you, extremely painful to rip from your arm hairs. FML

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By Fuck irony - 29/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and was advised to leave my wallet and cell phone in my car so they wouldn’t be stolen. Someone broke into my car and stole them. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 07:28 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I got fired from my job because I "look too grumpy." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 08:08

Double standards

Today, the friend who I'm crushing on but doesn't like me like that back said she wants us to keep our distance AND got angry because I told her I joined a dating app. Now she thinks I lied about my feelings. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 01:34 - United Kingdom

Today, while trying to get my phone to charge, I shoved in the cable harder and harder and tried to wobble it so my phone would charge. After snapping the USB input from the force, I saw the plug was switched off. FML

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By xRyu - 9/10/2014 00:30 - United States - Denver

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

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By Anonymous. - 31/12/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, the guy I've been texting told me he loved me and he couldn't wait to make me his wife, and he couldn't wait for us to have kids and grow old together. I've only known him for 3 days. FML

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By zl5 - 4/7/2014 23:17 - New Zealand - Masterton

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

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By Lovergirl - 1/1/2010 20:23 - United States

Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML

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By ilovecowboys - 26/2/2010 09:09 - New Zealand

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

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By Bilirubin - 20/2/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

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By AquaRevolver - 25/5/2009 10:35 - New Zealand

Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML

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By snitchovich - 27/5/2009 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

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By ugh - 12/11/2014 03:31 - United States - Antioch

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me over some rumors he heard about me. These rumors are from high-school, seven years ago. FML

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By woxliuke - 5/5/2016 18:44 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride on bicycles. After a while, I couldn't see him ahead of me any more. I went back and forth for half an hour but could't find him, and started to think something happened. I went home to call him but saw his bike. Turns out my boyfriend is just an asshole. FML

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By Mr_Yato - 19/1/2016 20:07 - United States

Today, a girl in my class introduced herself to me for the fourth time this semester. Am I really that invisible? FML

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By annoyed teen - 13/4/2014 03:01 - United States - Boise

Today, I had to work at the restaurant instead of going to the prom, which nobody asked me out to. For five hours, I got to shamefully greet and seat people on their way home from the prom, all of whom knew I was too lame to get asked out. FML

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By scared shitless - 24/6/2020 08:02

Night terrors

Today, I learned the hard way that my girlfriend’s young daughter sleepwalks. I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, only to be greeted in the dimly lit hallway by her creepy silhouette. I yelped like a bitch and dropped the glass on my foot, breaking two toes. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, when I woke up, one half of my face was smooth and clear and the other half looked as if I got slapped by the Hand of Puberty itself. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2018 15:00

Today, it's my third day in the hospital. On Monday, my mother grounded me for not going to school because I was “milking” a sore foot. On Wednesday, we finally went to the ER and it turns out I have a very bad infection in my foot. She refuses to come to the hospital. FML

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By TayRenee - 30/1/2017 14:00 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, while in an ambulance after being in a car wreck, the EMT told me I would need to sign some electronic paperwork. He held it above my head for me to sign and promptly dropped it on my my face, breaking my nose. FML

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Top comments

By A_Troll_Account | 3

#6670765 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:10

At least it wasn't you he robbed!

By TrentJ | 12

#6670773 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:24

Take it as a compliment. The crook could have flirted with anyone in the store as a diversion and he picked you <3 Is this the beginning of a rom-com maybe?

COMMENTS

By A_Troll_Account | 3

#6670765 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:10

At least it wasn't you he robbed!

By Welshite | 39

#6670766 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:10

No wonder I'm so poor. I never realized successful flirting resulted in money.

Reply

freddygasman | 18

#6670838 - Saturday 13 August 2016 20:29

You want to be careful about flirting for money though. I believe they call that prostitution or solicitation, depending on your judicial jurisdiction.

Reply

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6670931 - Sunday 14 August 2016 0:48

If you're a waiter or waitress you're already a prostitute as you are working for tips (and living off of the tips.) This is coming from a guy who waited tables for 8 years. Hell, I once let a retiring school teacher grab my ass at her retirement party for a $20 tip. ;-)

By cupcakekate9 | 14

#6670768 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:12

You didn't know that that was going to happen. It's not your fault OP. Sucks that it happened to you, but at least nobody got hurt.

By captain_hero89 | 21

#6670769 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:14

sounds like an odd plan

By d3rpb0t | 10

#6670772 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:24

At least it wasn't a soiled homeless guy with noxious bo, bugs in his hair and a cheap beer in hand.

Reply

jacobacon | 8

#6670800 - Saturday 13 August 2016 19:25

Ayyy I see what you did there

By TrentJ | 12

#6670773 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:24

Take it as a compliment. The crook could have flirted with anyone in the store as a diversion and he picked you <3 Is this the beginning of a rom-com maybe?

By popaulina | 8

#6670775 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:25

At least they didn't think you were involved...

By Etweens96 | 24

#6670782 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:46

Thank god it wasn't you he robbed but that seriously sucks they had to resort to stealing from their workplace.

By ezrajab | 22

#6670825 - Saturday 13 August 2016 19:54

Sorry op. I have heard of things like that happening to others I know it isn't much consolation but it is usually several people working together

By WhoDatHiThere | 9

#6670827 - Saturday 13 August 2016 19:55

At least you know people will still hit on you, you won't be lonely forever!