Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the...

By I am not amused! - United Kingdom - Andover

Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML

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Love

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Thanks for the miracle

RIP in peace

By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I am two months pregnant. Being super hormonal, I was crying about how much I was crying. My husband put his arms around me to comfort me, and I sobbed so hard that I threw up all over him. FML

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By nichaneely - United States

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

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By mrs14 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I woke up thinking my house was on fire because I could hear crackling flames downstairs. I panicked and tripped out of bed. It was the fireplace channel I left on last night so I could wake up to a Christmas ambiance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

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By Tourist - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

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By clubber - Switzerland

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

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By mybad - United States

Today, at work, a midget came in to buy beer. Not only was he almost as tall as me, he got offended when I had to card him and explain that the manager told me to card everyone, and that it wasn't because he was short. FML

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By otter - United States

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

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By HamHanded

Ham-fisted attempt

Today, my loving but absent-minded father gave me a packet of ham for my birthday, which would be pretty shit even if I hadn't been a strict vegetarian for the last 27 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 08:00

Close enough

Today, I finished writing a 60-page essay on the history and people of Australia. Turns out it's supposed to be on Austria. It's due this morning. FML

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By dak-rod423 - United States

Today, my balls were stepped on while I was taking a nap in the park. The man said he didn't see me lying there. I was wearing a neon orange jacket. FML

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By demotivator - Romania - Timisoara

Today, I finally got off my lazy ass and start studying for my upcoming exam. It was going pretty well, until my classmate called and after I proudly told him about my sudden motivation, the only thing he had to say was, "You got the date wrong, the exam was on thursday." FML

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By Gjkashldf - United States

Today, I was at the gym and I saw a really cute guy working out nearby. I tried to get his attention by taking off my shirt and smiling at him. When he walked over to me, instead of asking for my number, he just said "Can you please put that back on? Thanks". FML

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By Apparently not a writer - United States - Hockessin

Today, I uploaded the first chapter of my best writing yet to a popular writing website. After ten minutes, I was thrilled to already see one review and five comments. Each comment was telling me to immediately delete the story because of how horrible it was. The rating was half a star. FML

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By Beccarr - United Kingdom

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 23:02 - United States - Santa Ana

Bee Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I woke up to the inside of my house covered in bees. Hundreds of them. I have been complaining about a bee problem to the HOA for two weeks, and their response has been, “The hive was taken care of." Well, a few hundred bees inside and a few thousand on my outside wall beg to disagree. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally got to watch some porn after not being able to for a while. All I could notice in the video was how badly the participants were playing snooker. FML

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I played a friendly prank on my dad, loosening the legs of his chair so it would fall apart when he sat on it. He responded by making me stand outside and watch as he keyed both sides of my car, front to back, as punishment. FML

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By Hailey Antone - United States

Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML

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By dreefsa - United States

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for "parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it." My car was in the driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - West End

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

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By CallMeCherry - 26/8/2020 07:59 - United Kingdom

PSA

Today, I managed to "permanently and irrevocably" damage my spine. How? By bending down and picking up a piece of paper. According to my doctor, essentially I need to, "bend over like a stripper if I want to pick something up." FML

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By thiswouldonlyhappentome - Aruba

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

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By naomi3271

Loud fart

Today, I was accidentally scared my one year-old son with my huge, smelly fart that was really loud. He now won't come near me without crying. FML

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By Canali18 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2am I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML

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By Idi - France

Today, I arrived right on time for my train. Only problem, it was the wrong station. FML

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By TotaledBeamer

Today, I found out how much damage my neighbor's 5-year-old kid can do to my brand-new BMW with a baseball bat. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By No-Sleep Nellie - United States - Waterloo

Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML

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By englishtrio - United States

Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 09:04 - Rwanda - Kigali

Freshman blues

Today, I found out there’s a university email platform I never knew about. I’m a freshman and I’ve been using my personal email to communicate with the lecturers. Now I’ve got a pile of assignments to do and most of them are overdue. FML

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By Marcipaud - United States - Detroit

Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's dirty fingernails between the pages. FML

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By a-scared - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to yet again explain to the guy I live with that just because you can't see dirt, it doesn't mean it's clean. And so letting his dog lick the plates is NOT the same thing as washing up. He won't listen to me, and he uses my plates. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockwall

User notice

Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother that spooning has nothing to do with using a spoon to clean out a woman's vagina after sex. FML

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Top comments

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5741728 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

Old Winston is well used to drunk idiots on and around his statue I'm sure!

By robbilee | 14

#5741725 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:43

Did you enjoy the sites?

COMMENTS

By robbilee | 14

#5741725 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:43

Did you enjoy the sites?

obnum | 19

#5741925 - Monday 4 November 2013 13:25

Well I do enjoy this site, but there are some out there that I just absolutely hate.

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5741728 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

Old Winston is well used to drunk idiots on and around his statue I'm sure!

\ | 28

#5741736 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:49

Maybe OP's husband is actually Neville Chamberlain.

By chris_ohhhh | 7

#5741729 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

Drinking problems

mif_fml | 27

#5743027 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 9:00

Only if it was at 4:00pm.

yallneedjesus | 5

#5745069 - Thursday 7 November 2013 1:08

Let's not jump to conclusions people, he may have just had a rowdy night out

By mandyrozrox | 13

#5741730 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

oh.. that sucks OP D:

hessel | 13

#5741773 - Monday 4 November 2013 9:34

^ was so panicking that he was in the first four comments that he said something were they have a button for it

Bano360 | 25

#5741781 - Monday 4 November 2013 10:04

^ I find your comment worse.

By thrifting | 18

#5741732 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:47

If you're going through hell, keep going.

buckdharma | 36

#5742351 - Monday 4 November 2013 20:11

You might make it out before the devil flicks a boogie on your winder.

By thatonegirlnic | 10

#5741739 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:51

You never forget your first time

QQmore_fml | 18

#5741767 - Monday 4 November 2013 9:28

Except for those times you've already forgot.

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5742038 - Monday 4 November 2013 16:02

i remember all of my drunken exploits, even more than standard exploits.

By Dubai_fail | 7

#5741741 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:52

hey,now you cant complain to your Hubby that you didn't visit central London :-)

BellaBear90 | 27

#5742276 - Monday 4 November 2013 19:04

Nobody complains about not having seen Central London.

By graceinsheepwear | 33

#5741743 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:54

Madam, you are angry. In the morning, he shall be sober.

By cmac86 | 23

#5741748 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:57

I'd love to hear ol Winston's whit come out on this one.

By cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5741755 - Monday 4 November 2013 9:07

Oh no. this is terrible.

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5741959 - Monday 4 November 2013 13:59

I wonder if people just comment whatever comes to their mind and realize later that what they commented was completely unnecessary

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5742974 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 7:03

I wonder if people ever realize when someone is being facetious or if they're just arrogant and think they're smarter than everyone else.