Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the...

By I am not amused! - 3/11/2013 22:53 - United Kingdom - Andover

Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML

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Love

Cold-blooded old times

Does it taste good?

Social distancing gone wrong

By floppy - 9/8/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, my house caught fire and almost burned down. My neighbour, who has always hated me, came up, patted me on the back, and said, "That sucks for you." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 14:16 - Australia - Sandringham

Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML

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By PairOfSocks - 17/10/2016 20:55 - Finland - Tampere

Today, one of my friends bought a wedding dress for her upcoming wedding. My other friend intends to propose to her boyfriend and ordered rings. I too made a purchase: a pair of socks for myself. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - 24/4/2012 23:59 - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

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By anonymous - 21/11/2009 08:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

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By Therunawaymoh - 11/10/2018 12:00

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

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By Traveler - 9/10/2015 02:06

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2013 21:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

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By KamiyaHaine - 2/10/2013 05:54 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I got married. The officiant of the ceremony referred to me as Amanda through my ceremony. My name is Anna. FML

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By someone - 2/9/2009 11:00 - Denmark

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

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By unwilling redneck - 24/5/2013 22:48 - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

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By nolife - 30/8/2012 01:33 - United States - Richmond

Today, I purposely misspelled words while texting my boyfriend so he would think I was out partying and having a life. FML

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By smells like ass - 29/12/2016 03:05

Today, my brother tried to ninja-kick his dirty underwear up into his hand. He failed and it landed on my face. FML

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By SoggyPancakes - 11/3/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 06:45 - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Midland

Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML

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By j0natron - 3/2/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" Then a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML

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By run4fun - 23/6/2011 18:56 - United States

Today, I attempted to bleach my body hair so I wouldn't have to shave. A little while later, I realized that I'd also succeeded in bleaching my skin, which was incredibly noticeable. I'm hosting a pool party this weekend. FML

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By Roxas - 14/2/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2019 22:01

With friends like her, who needs money?

Today, I maxed out my credit card trying to help a friend of over 19 years to go see her family for Christmas, only to find out she changed her mind and doesn’t really want to go. I can’t return the bus tickets, and she’s mad at me. FML

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By Noname - 14/3/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

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By sirswank - 10/8/2017 13:00

Today, after giving my kids a lengthy bedtime lecture about the merits of being responsible, I thought about all the chores I had left to do, promptly ate ice cream in the shower, and went to bed. FML

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By Jopes - 10/5/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, I cut down a dead tree in my yard. The top hit the ground and the base seesawed up in the air and came down on my head. I hit the ground like a sack of flour. Fortunately, the wood was rotted and soft. Unfortunately, the chainsaw was still running. 28 stitches in my calf. FML

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By mdp624 - 16/8/2012 12:10 - United States - Brookhaven

Today, I was T-boned while going through an intersection. The guy who hit me accused me of not using my turn signal. I was going straight. FML

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By littlekellilee - 5/11/2018 03:00

Today, I reached out to an old friend to ask how his battle with cancer is going. He responded by asking for boob pics. FML

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By lopez - 16/12/2008 03:58 - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2019 22:00

Today, after I'd remembered to start writing a list of my PTSD symptoms for my shrink, because I'm extremely forgetful, it finally took me three days to remember to write down forgetfulness. FML

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By shiney100893 - 14/1/2013 12:56 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was at a party with my crush. The collar on his shirt was sticking up so I fixed it for him. He gave me a hug and said, "Aww you're so good to me. You're like my mother. You can be my college mother." I got mother-zoned. FML

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By misshb - 18/1/2010 01:26 - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

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By siikman313 - 12/9/2011 21:37 - United States

Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML

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By 3 More Months - 30/9/2013 06:02 - United States - Stanford

Today, I got paired up with a coworker for a three-month project. All he talks about is how attractive my girlfriend is and what he would do with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 23:02 - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I spent nearly half an hour trying to dispel my sister's belief that men have to strap down their penises before going jogging. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 18:08 - United States - East Northport

Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML

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By Seriously - 24/5/2011 17:46 - United States

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

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By feelinblue - 23/6/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I checked into my flight early. The kiosk asked me if I wanted an earlier flight for $50. Awesome. I swiped my card then continued to the next screen where I was informed my new flight was delayed to the same time as my original flight. FML

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By Dehydrated - 1/9/2015 11:07 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at soccer, I repeatedly asked my coach for water as I was feeling light headed. His response every time was, "5 more minutes". Eventually, I got so dehydrated that I passed out. The first thing my coach said when I woke up was, "Why didn't you get some water?" FML

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By well fuck! - 14/8/2019 22:00

Today, I was grocery shopping with my kids. As I was buckling them into their car seats, two men jumped out of a truck, hoisted my cart and sped off. According to security, this has become a regular occurrence at the store. My entire month of groceries gone in seconds. FML

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By leahbeuhh - 5/9/2009 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

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By Cantgetno - 20/9/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5741728 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

Old Winston is well used to drunk idiots on and around his statue I'm sure!

By robbilee | 13

#5741725 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:43

Did you enjoy the sites?

Comments

By robbilee | 13

#5741725 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:43

Did you enjoy the sites?

obnum | 19

#5741925 - Monday 4 November 2013 13:25

Well I do enjoy this site, but there are some out there that I just absolutely hate.

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5741728 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

Old Winston is well used to drunk idiots on and around his statue I'm sure!

\ | 28

#5741736 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:49

Maybe OP's husband is actually Neville Chamberlain.

By chris_ohhhh | 7

#5741729 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

Drinking problems

mif_fml | 27

#5743027 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 9:00

Only if it was at 4:00pm.

yallneedjesus | 5

#5745069 - Thursday 7 November 2013 1:08

Let's not jump to conclusions people, he may have just had a rowdy night out

By mandyrozrox | 13

#5741730 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

oh.. that sucks OP D:

hessel | 13

#5741773 - Monday 4 November 2013 9:34

^ was so panicking that he was in the first four comments that he said something were they have a button for it

Bano360 | 25

#5741781 - Monday 4 November 2013 10:04

^ I find your comment worse.

By thrifting | 18

#5741732 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:47

If you're going through hell, keep going.

buckdharma | 36

#5742351 - Monday 4 November 2013 20:11

You might make it out before the devil flicks a boogie on your winder.

By thatonegirlnic | 10

#5741739 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:51

You never forget your first time

QQmore_fml | 18

#5741767 - Monday 4 November 2013 9:28

Except for those times you've already forgot.

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5742038 - Monday 4 November 2013 16:02

i remember all of my drunken exploits, even more than standard exploits.

By Dubai_fail | 7

#5741741 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:52

hey,now you cant complain to your Hubby that you didn't visit central London :-)

BellaBear90 | 27

#5742276 - Monday 4 November 2013 19:04

Nobody complains about not having seen Central London.

By graceinsheepwear | 33

#5741743 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:54

Madam, you are angry. In the morning, he shall be sober.

By cmac86 | 23

#5741748 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:57

I'd love to hear ol Winston's whit come out on this one.

By cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5741755 - Monday 4 November 2013 9:07

Oh no. this is terrible.

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5741959 - Monday 4 November 2013 13:59

I wonder if people just comment whatever comes to their mind and realize later that what they commented was completely unnecessary

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5742974 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 7:03

I wonder if people ever realize when someone is being facetious or if they're just arrogant and think they're smarter than everyone else.