Love: Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the...

By I am not amused! - United Kingdom - Andover

Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Bad guy (duh)

Munchausen by proxy

By Jaymail - 17/5/2020 17:00

You snooze, you lose

Today, I saw some really nice dining room chairs sitting out on the curb waiting for the garbage man. I went to the door to ask the owners why they were throwing them out. They told me it was because they had just bought new furniture. While I was talking to the owner, somebody else picked them up. FML

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By Randomspaghetti - United States - Lehi

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

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By too dumb for sex

Today we tried to have sex for the first time but I got so excited my blood pressure shot up and I got a nosebleed that didn't fully stop for nearly 30 minutes. Then when we tried again she accidentally headbutted me. The new bleeding still hasn't stopped and I'm feeling very lightheaded. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be all right, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

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By whyme

Today, I met a wonderful man and agreed to go on a date. Halfway through the date, he started telling about how much he hates his wife. And his four kids. I texted him after I walked out, saying not to call me again. He agreed. His wife didn't. FML

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By anonymous - United States - West Babylon

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

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By lpspann87 - United States

Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML

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By Yeahyeahyeah - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I got a gift-wrapped package in the mail from my racist mother-in-law. She's always hated me, so I thought it was a bit strange. Inside was a squirt gun and a note telling me to take my "black ass" for a walk around a police station with it, followed with a smiley face. FML

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By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

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By makdra

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

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By Stigmamma - 28/6/2020 05:06

Taking advantage

Today, after 3 months of my man claiming he's going to start eating better "next week", he finally went on a diet. What changed? I started eating healthy while trying for a baby. He is "supporting me" by getting me to do extra meal prep for him too. FML

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By Katherine - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Tehachapi

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

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By kira - United States

Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

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By eternal

Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML

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By AwkwardPotato - United States - Bakersfield

Today, my mom signed me up for a swimming class to show my sister there's nothing to be afraid of. Considering I'm 17, I assumed I'd be in an advanced class. Instead, I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as my little sister cheers me on from the steps. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dover

Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML

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By Toooldforthisshit - United States - New London

Today, I found out the girl my boyfriend was seeing just before me, is pregnant... FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, an old lady wearing a low-cut shirt with no bra underneath came into my line with some groceries. At some point while bagging her groceries, her wrinkled breast slipped out of her shirt. She didn't even notice. I wish to fuck I could unsee this. FML

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By Wellfu - Europe

Today, I was let go from my internship for "not putting in enough effort". I was working 50 hours a week for almost zero pay. FML

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By Cail - United States

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

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By hungryman - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Astoria

Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to take my girlfriend to a nice dinner before prom. Her parents followed her in, and joined us to "keep an eye on me." They interrupted all our conversations, ate an expensive meal, then got up and walked out when the waitress brought the $95 check, leaving me to pay for it. FML

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By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

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By Sleepy head - United States

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

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By Auston - United States

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

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By Cathy - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By cantfallbackasleep - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

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By SoccerBabe42 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

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By DetergentFrog6 - United States - Rahway

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

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By Chels - United States

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Concord

Today, my son said his first complete sentence: "Mommy likes shit." Not only will he not stop saying it, I have no idea who taught him to say it in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

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By Philip - Australia

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

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By fulloshit - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

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Top comments

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5741728 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

Old Winston is well used to drunk idiots on and around his statue I'm sure!

By robbilee | 14

#5741725 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:43

Did you enjoy the sites?

COMMENTS

By robbilee | 14

#5741725 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:43

Did you enjoy the sites?

obnum | 19

#5741925 - Monday 4 November 2013 13:25

Well I do enjoy this site, but there are some out there that I just absolutely hate.

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5741728 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

Old Winston is well used to drunk idiots on and around his statue I'm sure!

\ | 28

#5741736 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:49

Maybe OP's husband is actually Neville Chamberlain.

By chris_ohhhh | 7

#5741729 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

Drinking problems

mif_fml | 27

#5743027 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 9:00

Only if it was at 4:00pm.

yallneedjesus | 5

#5745069 - Thursday 7 November 2013 1:08

Let's not jump to conclusions people, he may have just had a rowdy night out

By mandyrozrox | 13

#5741730 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:45

oh.. that sucks OP D:

hessel | 13

#5741773 - Monday 4 November 2013 9:34

^ was so panicking that he was in the first four comments that he said something were they have a button for it

Bano360 | 25

#5741781 - Monday 4 November 2013 10:04

^ I find your comment worse.

By thrifting | 18

#5741732 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:47

If you're going through hell, keep going.

buckdharma | 36

#5742351 - Monday 4 November 2013 20:11

You might make it out before the devil flicks a boogie on your winder.

By thatonegirlnic | 10

#5741739 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:51

You never forget your first time

QQmore_fml | 18

#5741767 - Monday 4 November 2013 9:28

Except for those times you've already forgot.

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5742038 - Monday 4 November 2013 16:02

i remember all of my drunken exploits, even more than standard exploits.

By Dubai_fail | 7

#5741741 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:52

hey,now you cant complain to your Hubby that you didn't visit central London :-)

BellaBear90 | 27

#5742276 - Monday 4 November 2013 19:04

Nobody complains about not having seen Central London.

By graceinsheepwear | 33

#5741743 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:54

Madam, you are angry. In the morning, he shall be sober.

By cmac86 | 23

#5741748 - Monday 4 November 2013 8:57

I'd love to hear ol Winston's whit come out on this one.

By cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5741755 - Monday 4 November 2013 9:07

Oh no. this is terrible.

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5741959 - Monday 4 November 2013 13:59

I wonder if people just comment whatever comes to their mind and realize later that what they commented was completely unnecessary

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5742974 - Tuesday 5 November 2013 7:03

I wonder if people ever realize when someone is being facetious or if they're just arrogant and think they're smarter than everyone else.