Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML
Today, I wound up cleaning vomit out of the window track of my car at midnight, in the nicest dress I own, after my husband got completely wasted at his office Christmas party. FML
Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML
Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML
Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML
Today, I was designated driver for my friends. This entailed standing around in the cold for 3 hours, not drinking, dealing with drunk people, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, cleaning up vomit from my hair, my clothes, and my new car. FML
Today, my wife got drunk and stopped for a pee against the wheel of a parked police car, with three coppers and a dog inside it. FML
Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back, even buying them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I got repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room, peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML
Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML
Today, my husband drank way too much white wine at a wedding and projectile vomited all over me and my car while I was driving. We were 5 miles from home and I have emetophobia (the fear of vomit/vomiting). FML
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Top comments
DooleyFTW 17
Old Winston is well used to drunk idiots on and around his statue I'm sure!
robbilee 14
Did you enjoy the sites?
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Comments (73)
maxhhh 18
That's how a fun night starts! Jk. Sorry for that OP.
RedPillSucks 31
Does it end with you being robbed and raped?
Cazz91 21
I hope that is not someones version of a fun time. My version of a fun time was quite different. I recall locking myself up in the bathroom with a portable stereo attempting to sing my heart out to some random 90's dance song that was playing. My family joined in on the chorus from the next room where they could hear me sing horribly from the bathroom.
xRezSynn 15
Put a leash on him
slimkelsey 17
Hey I threw up at 4 AM too! Granted I wasn't drunk or in London....
JMichael 25
Are you Winston Churchill's secret lover, Winston Churchill?
underthesea12 24
You married the big lug!
aaron123111 11
I wonder how many Americans will have no idea what was just said.
DocBastard 38
Haha! I know, because all Americans are fat, lazy, and stupid, right? **** you. Thanks for showing everyone that Brits can be ignorant too. It truly knows no bounds. Idiot.
aaron123111 11
I'm saying this purely because the other day there was a FML that was American based and they called us stupid because we didn't get it...it is a pure joke. My best friend is from America and he found this comment funny when I showed him. I'm not stereotyping at all So before everyone gets sensitive calm down :)
aaron123111 11
I'm also very aware I'll get hate for this but meh!!!
DocBastard 38
You were stereotyping whether you think you were or not. Your "joke" was too obscure. Generalisations piss me off.
mrjamjama66 5
You just added the stereotype that Americans are overly sensitive
raphanne_fml 33
I highly doubt DocBastard is American. He always writes in British English.
RedPillSucks 31
Don't know about Doc, but there are actually Americans who prefer to write in proper english.
lowshadows 21
i know who Winston Churchill is dipshit
Silvinomiae 20
Where is this Proper located, #48? Or is it Properia? Propland?
lulubelles 33
32 and 58 I'm assuming he was referring to the fact that driving through Central London is a real pain in the arse, not saying Americans were stupid or didn't know who Winston Churchill is!
sickerthanyou 13
is your husband German?
incoherentrmblr 21
Is your husband Irish?
Zarniclopsindorf 24
Did Churchill have anything to say about it?
RedPillSucks 31
If he did, that's when you know you've had too much to drink.
BobbieH 19
Churchill was a drunk so I'm sure he is used to puke on his boots! You could've left in central London to sober up, but its a good wife, who will go out of her way and be inconvenienced to take care of their husband. So while you may be angry, take pride in what a good spouse you are. Don't forget to remind him of this of course, you've earned the right!
bobo_the_bear 5
Look kids, Big Ben!
cryssycakesx3 22
he's a good quarterback.