Miscellaneous: Today, I had the house to myself, and I started talking to myself...

By anonymous - United States

Today, I had the house to myself, and I started talking to myself and singing at full volume. When I went to use the bathroom, I found my constipated cousin looking at me strangely. FML

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Miscellaneous

Misheard

Reverse psychology

Craft beer bores

By me

Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

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43579

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I snuck into the bathroom together at his house for a quickie. Just as we unzipped our pants, his step-dad knocked on the door. Panicking, I jumped into the closet to hide. When his step-dad came in, he went to put some towels away. In the closet. FML

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By Late marriage - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By sober judge - United States - Enfield

Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML

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By *sigh* - United Kingdom

Today, I confronted my friend about the £260 he owes me. He got offended and said, "Friends don't have to pay back." He called me selfish and walked off. FML

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By fffmmll - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

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By Catsfordays - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML

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24783

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By TheDumper - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Juliett - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Good question

Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML

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By Homeless - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My Boss' daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much she made an offer on the house. We were 1 week away from making an offer. FML

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By Anonyme - China - Shanghai

Today, I'm doing an architecture course in China. My boss asked me to create a lamp shaped like a shrimp. FML

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19277

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 08:01

Who am I?

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

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1442

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By spastic hardon - Australia - Templestowe

Today, I misplaced my phone at small house party. I found it later, but not before being called a sick bastard by my crush. It seems one of my "friends" sent her a cock pic with my phone, and now she wants nothing to do with me. FML

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45914

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By musicalkitcat - United States

Today, one of my best friends went into labor 14 days early. I'd told my boss previously about this and that I need to be there for my friend as she doesn't really have any family. My boss will not let me leave work to be there. Why? I didn't give enough notice. FML

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40948

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By That guy - 15/10/2020 17:01

So you had a bad day…

Today, I woke up early for work and spent 30 minutes frantically looking for my keys. I had to take a 30-minute Uber ride to work, then drove an hour in the company truck, only to be stood up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

867

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By typical - United States - Cheshire

Today, I fell down the stairs. My mom came running from the other room because she thought it was the dog. She rolled her eyes and walked away when she saw it was me. FML

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48136

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By cbarebo - United States

Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML

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49626

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By Finding Kemo - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to school with a bad haircut. I got about 50 cancer jokes so far. FML

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By tired - United States

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I had been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

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By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

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26277

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By oddgrrl99 - United States - Portage

Addicted

Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

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By Jesse from - United States

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

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By A. - Canada

Today, after two weeks of living on plain pasta, I finally got my paycheck and was excited that I'd get real food, and ride the subway instead of exhausting my malnourished body with the two-hour walk to work. My surname was misspelt on the check; the bank is holding it for ten days. FML

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By Brad - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

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157014

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By Anonymous - United States

ACAB

Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML

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1464

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By marie12 - Belgium

Today, I decided to have dinner with three friends to forget about the painful break up with my boyfriend. The first friend announced that she and her boyfriend had just bought a house, the second one that he was no longer single, and the third one revealed that she was pregnant. FML

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By nottoosmall - United States

Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hills

Today, I went downstairs completely naked to get water, completely forgetting that my daughter had a sleepover and they were in the living room. The ice dispenser woke some of them up, including my daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

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47609

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By TheMysteriousTsundere

Today, my dad threw out all my food because a fly landed on a loaf of bread still in its package. He claims the bread and everything else that touched it is "contaminated". That was all the food I had for the rest of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2783

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, the girl of my dreams, the one person I've met in my life that I could see myself spending the rest of it with, told me she loves me. She then specifically added "...but not in that way, so we could never be together." FML

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2848

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By notsosmart - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

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37186

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By keep_your_eyes_on_the_sidewalk

Today, a girl with her eyes glued to her phone bumped my arm going in the opposite direction on the sidewalk. She dropped her phone, chased me to the bus stop, and told everyone that I broke it. She threatened to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4046

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By Oopsie

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1431

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By Will

Today, I found out that my friends all think, "Don't worry about it" means "It's free." I'm a few thousand dollars in debt and they back each other like a gang. Never mind all the Aussies who say it means, "Pay slowly." FML

I agree, your life sucks

821

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By babypenguin00 - United States - Newark

Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26947

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By badluckantonio - Canada

Today, I was taking out the garbage at work when I slipped and fell into the garbage container. The scent was so bad that a bus driver denied me a ride home. FML

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Top comments

By strokesie | 23

#5938154 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

At least they were entertained, right?

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5938160 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

That's when you say, "Are you not entertained???"

COMMENTS

By strokesie | 23

#5938154 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

At least they were entertained, right?

relevantelephant | 5

#5938164 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:23

Or pooped themselves

ImAFaker | 29

#5938193 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:46

You should have sang "Let it Go" when he was pooping. That would've been epic.

DrHail | 22

#5938238 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:31

Probably worked well as a laxative!

By moomanjohnny | 10

#5938155 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

That must've been awkward. Hopefully you got that sorted out OP.

gjikvtj | 18

#5938173 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:28

OP should file a lawsuit

Viizzy | 6

#5938176 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:29

#14, Why would that even be worth of a lawsuit?

By KillSwitch96 | 18

#5938157 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

You must have been singing pretty loud to have not heard them grunting and straining!

DrHail | 22

#5938237 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:30

Time for some prune juice! He can give him awkward looks elsewhere, now!

By kwyk | 23

#5938158 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

We all do it... right?

Stazza11 | 27

#5938213 - Thursday 8 May 2014 6:33

Sing or get constipated? Haha

Andicc | 19

#5938243 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:52

.....Or walk in on someone shitting (or not shitting in this instance lol)

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5938296 - Thursday 8 May 2014 10:25

I'm gonna go a head and say all of the above lol

RedPillSucks | 31

#5938917 - Thursday 8 May 2014 23:33

Just not all at the same time

By PippaButtertubs | 15

#5938159 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

Why were they there in the first place????

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5938298 - Thursday 8 May 2014 10:27

I think the answer to your question is relatively obvious my friend...

PippaButtertubs | 15

#5938408 - Thursday 8 May 2014 13:22

I meant in the house...

Eleanor6141 | 11

#5938475 - Thursday 8 May 2014 15:44

not enough face palm's in the world..

RedPillSucks | 31

#5938921 - Thursday 8 May 2014 23:34

@43 "relatively" ....
Good one...

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5938160 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

That's when you say, "Are you not entertained???"

By ruxtain | 15

#5938161 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

Happened to me once.

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5938655 - Thursday 8 May 2014 19:38

Once....

By DoubleJay95 | 13

#5938163 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:23

They were probably more suprised you didn't knock.

A_Twerking_Koala | 9

#5939101 - Friday 9 May 2014 2:50

I think they didn't give a shit.

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#5938167 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:25

House wasn't as empty as you thought. Your cousin was behind door #2

By conman531 | 23

#5938168 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:25

Someone's full of shit

TheAbstract | 15

#5938227 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:08

I'm sure you can see yourself out.