Today, I had the house to myself, and I started talking to myself...

By anonymous - 7/5/2014 23:06 - United States

Today, I had the house to myself, and I started talking to myself and singing at full volume. When I went to use the bathroom, I found my constipated cousin looking at me strangely. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

True hero

Deep-seated resentment

By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 05:07 - Canada - Port Hardy

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 20:00

Mommy's bravest little boy

Today, my boyfriend of 9 months asked me to park in a parallel street from where he lives when dropping him off. Why? Because his mom might see me. He's 32. FML

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By James - 30/7/2019 18:00

Today, I asked the restaurant manager if he could arrange to deliver an engagement ring to me and my girlfriend with our desserts. Desserts came, no ring. That guy wasn’t the manager, just a guy in a suit who legged it with my ring. FML

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By iwantpizza69 - 12/2/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I told the guy I have feelings for that I'm interested in, and asked him how he feels about it. He responded via text, saying, "I feel fairly neutral about that." FML

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By Harmonia - 26/1/2009 10:09 - France

Today, I went shopping with my boyfriend. He tried on a pair of trousers which didn't fit, so he asked me to change them, so off I go. I then return with another pair for him to try on, and find him bent over and blurt out "What the hell's that terrible underwear?". The man turns around, revealing that I'd entered the wrong changing room. FML

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By michellekel - 4/7/2009 12:10 - France

Today, I went to the beach on the cote d'azur and the lifeguard told me that even though there were two jellyfish in the bay, it was safe to swim. Five minutes into swimming, I got stung twice. FML

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By sad_panda - 26/6/2009 19:48 - United States

Today, I asked my mother if we could test me for OCD, since so many people have suggested to me that I might have it. She smiles at me and says, "No, honey, you're just really really weird." FML

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By treeless - 24/12/2011 08:11 - Canada

Today, my apartment was broken into. The thief stole my TV, $350, and my Christmas tree. There is still a trail of broken ornaments from my living room to the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2019 15:00 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, I'm dating the perfect guy. He's smart, considerate, charming, funny, good looking and we have a ton of interests in common. He also can't get it up. At all. FML

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By Theboredone - 29/3/2018 19:00

Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML

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By c - 9/2/2012 00:07

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

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By Gentleman - 11/1/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

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By Wolfrunner87 - 13/7/2015 05:06 - Australia - Broadmeadows

Today, my bosses were boasting about their work-funded retreat, including the $1,800 bottle of wine the company paid for. This would be fine if they hadn't just told me there are no funds to pay me for the work they've got me doing. We are also the biggest company in our industry. FML

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By superman21 - 28/9/2014 22:55 - Ireland

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

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By Samuel - 21/5/2010 19:12 - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML

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By come on man - 29/11/2014 17:03 - United States - Sunnyvale

It's the thought that counts

Today, I sent my boyfriend a dirty picture to turn him on. He texted back: "Jfc, why wud u tease me like that?? Srsly fuck off". FML

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By cachow - 6/9/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 23:01

Confinement's gonna be fun

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2014 11:33 - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

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By manlyman - 5/4/2009 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I were having some fertilization problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said "mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML

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By snownerd - 3/11/2011 16:13 - United States

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

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By Eva - 13/2/2011 09:32 - France

Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML

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By AnonUser464 - 8/1/2013 16:40 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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By Marcipaud - 5/5/2016 17:51 - United States - Detroit

Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's dirty fingernails between the pages. FML

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By Confused - 15/9/2009 09:58 - United States

Today, I told my mother that I'm pregnant. She went off screaming at me about how I shouldn't be having sex. I am 25 and have been happily married for 3 years. FML

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By Em - 15/10/2009 06:12 - France

Today, my boyfriend accidentally called me from his pocket. I thought it would be funny to see what him and his friends were talking about. I laughed when I heard him talking about us fooling around until I realized it wasn't me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2016 08:37 - Australia - Wilston

Today, I went to visit my dad for the first time in over a year, as I have been studying for my Master's degree in history halfway across the world. The first thing he said to me? "So, gotten a real job yet?" FML

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - 31/8/2012 19:20 - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By Ava K - 1/10/2019 16:02 - United States - San Diego

Unnecessary

Today, my mom and I were looking at dresses for me at the mall. The cashier pointed out a dress, and my mom said, "She's definitely not going to fit into that. She's too flat-chested." FML

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By Bribri - 18/11/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML

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By ShouldveStayedAVirgin - 13/1/2016 18:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML

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By DeActivated - 4/5/2013 00:39 - United States - West Jordan

Today, I was at dance rehearsal. As a male dancer I like to keep the fact that I dance a secret because of the stupid stereotypes male dancers have. This plan was quickly shot down when I discovered I was performing at my school. FML

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By HannaMD - 26/1/2015 15:21 - Canada

Today, my cat had the bright idea of giving birth in the dryer, on top of all my new white towels. FML

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By DrunkenValor - 6/9/2009 04:03 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend got drunk. We tried to get him into a cab, he punched me in the face, three chavs then accosted me, accusing me of trying to mug him. I was then beaten up by said chavs and then the police charged me for being drunk and disorderly. FML

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By tamponmayhem - 9/3/2009 19:30 - Canada

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

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By blabbermouth - 8/10/2012 17:26 - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I made love for the first time. Before we left his house so he could walk me home, I fixed my hair by the hall mirror and joked about having serious sex hair. My boyfriend quickly reminded me that his incredibly religious mother was in the next room. FML

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By anonymous - 7/6/2012 11:00 - United States

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

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By pillowless - 13/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

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By sdasdflkjas - 30/5/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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Top comments

By strokesie | 23

#5938154 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

At least they were entertained, right?

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5938160 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

That's when you say, "Are you not entertained???"

COMMENTS

By strokesie | 23

#5938154 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

At least they were entertained, right?

relevantelephant | 5

#5938164 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:23

Or pooped themselves

ImAFaker | 29

#5938193 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:46

You should have sang "Let it Go" when he was pooping. That would've been epic.

DrHail | 22

#5938238 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:31

Probably worked well as a laxative!

By moomanjohnny | 10

#5938155 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

That must've been awkward. Hopefully you got that sorted out OP.

gjikvtj | 18

#5938173 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:28

OP should file a lawsuit

Viizzy | 6

#5938176 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:29

#14, Why would that even be worth of a lawsuit?

By KillSwitch96 | 18

#5938157 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

You must have been singing pretty loud to have not heard them grunting and straining!

DrHail | 22

#5938237 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:30

Time for some prune juice! He can give him awkward looks elsewhere, now!

By kwyk | 23

#5938158 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

We all do it... right?

Stazza11 | 27

#5938213 - Thursday 8 May 2014 6:33

Sing or get constipated? Haha

Andicc | 19

#5938243 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:52

.....Or walk in on someone shitting (or not shitting in this instance lol)

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5938296 - Thursday 8 May 2014 10:25

I'm gonna go a head and say all of the above lol

RedPillSucks | 31

#5938917 - Thursday 8 May 2014 23:33

Just not all at the same time

By PippaButtertubs | 15

#5938159 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

Why were they there in the first place????

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5938298 - Thursday 8 May 2014 10:27

I think the answer to your question is relatively obvious my friend...

PippaButtertubs | 15

#5938408 - Thursday 8 May 2014 13:22

I meant in the house...

Eleanor6141 | 11

#5938475 - Thursday 8 May 2014 15:44

not enough face palm's in the world..

RedPillSucks | 31

#5938921 - Thursday 8 May 2014 23:34

@43 "relatively" ....
Good one...

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5938160 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

That's when you say, "Are you not entertained???"

By ruxtain | 15

#5938161 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

Happened to me once.

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5938655 - Thursday 8 May 2014 19:38

Once....

By DoubleJay95 | 13

#5938163 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:23

They were probably more suprised you didn't knock.

A_Twerking_Koala | 9

#5939101 - Friday 9 May 2014 2:50

I think they didn't give a shit.

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#5938167 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:25

House wasn't as empty as you thought. Your cousin was behind door #2

By conman531 | 23

#5938168 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:25

Someone's full of shit

TheAbstract | 14

#5938227 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:08

I'm sure you can see yourself out.