Miscellaneous: Today, I had the house to myself, and I started talking to myself...

By anonymous - United States

Today, I had the house to myself, and I started talking to myself and singing at full volume. When I went to use the bathroom, I found my constipated cousin looking at me strangely. FML

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36936

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Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

There's no helping some people

It never rains, it pours

By Anonymous

Sneaky

Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1809

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184

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By Sir Vom-a-lot - United Kingdom - West Drayton

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33567

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26671

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By talkssuck - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59346

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By David Wicker - 9/9/2020 08:02

Laughs in socialized healthcare

Today, I sleep on the floor every night because my cat has punctured three air mattresses. I was going to get a real bed with my stimulus check, but I broke my leg and had to pay for the doctor's bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1340

You deserved it

312

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By rubgy_lover - Canada - Surrey

Today, at work, I politely asked a patron to be quieter; I was hit in the face. I work in a library. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46015

You deserved it

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By Owww

Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3597

You deserved it

404

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By ol faithful - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9875

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50607

You deserved it

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By uhoh - Canada - Sechelt

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. He put me up against the wall and I yelled, "Harder!" without thinking. I heard the entire house go silent, my dad and his friends included. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21493

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my 5-gallon glass vase/aquarium was leaking at the base. When I went to move the vase so I could transfer everything to a new aquarium, the bottom completely detached, sending water, sand, sea shells and fish crap everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27119

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after cricket training, the homeless man that lives in the drain next to the nets threw a beer bottle full of piss at me for rejecting him for a date last week. I ducked; it sailed through my car’s open window and smashed all over the seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51215

You deserved it

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By Username - Canada

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9615

You deserved it

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By stillwaiting - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

I agree, your life sucks

77097

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 11:01

Classic switcheroo

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1033

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By NotTakenYet

Today, my mom said she ran into some old coworkers and they asked about me. She was surprised they remembered me, as we only met once. The reason they remembered me is because I fell down the stairs at their house when I was 11. That was 15 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2442

You deserved it

247

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By Miriam

Today, I attended a white elephant party at work and the box I picked had whisky and beer. Since I am a Muslim, I took it to my Christian friend's house and gave it to him. As I was walking there, I passed my imam on the street. Awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9675

You deserved it

1245

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By nnnaaazzz - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39223

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

I agree, your life sucks

20849

You deserved it

1195

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By Aaron - 12/4/2021 07:59

Second Life

Today, I finally got to experience being loved, or at least what it looks like. I paid for a fabulous wedding in a video game with a reluctant friend, who only agreed after I explained all the free costumes, pets, and other items he'd receive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

604

You deserved it

324

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By fartwoman - United States

Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21081

You deserved it

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By jalopenos - United Kingdom

Today, my friend had to leave work early for a funeral and on his way out I wanted to say something. All I could think of was "have fun". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9725

You deserved it

22598

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By blotchy-girl - New Zealand

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41979

You deserved it

6700

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By jennlikewhoa - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39785

You deserved it

4516

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By TooNoisy4Me - United States - Bellerose

Today, like every year, my next-door neighbors started setting off their fireworks at exactly midnight. Also, like every year, the sensitive car alarm belonging to another neighbor has gone off with every firework. It's been almost six hours of nonstop alarms and explosions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13646

You deserved it

1105

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

27119

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was so sleep-deprived, I thought a white car driving toward me was a polar bear. I screamed like a little girl and started panicking. I live in California. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29674

You deserved it

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By S to the HIT - United States

Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18814

You deserved it

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By simple living - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30801

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, a wasp ended up in the house. Normally, I'd just open a door to outside and run for cover, but my 3-year-old son was home, so I decided to be brave and kill it. It flew into the air vents. We're now playing wasp roulette every time we enter a room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12329

You deserved it

1805

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By maybe dead in a day - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend of three days met up with me at the movie theater, sporting a crude tattoo of my face on his cheek, along with a love heart and the word "forever." Looks like I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40784

You deserved it

4226

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By FayBerry88 - 4/7/2020 08:08

People of Walmart

Today, my four-year-old son asked me for a "boobie hug" in Walmart. It's something his dad thinks is cute and I've just gotten used to, so I hugged him without question. From the other end of the aisle, a strange man asked, "Can I have one too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1312

You deserved it

425

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Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2231

You deserved it

304

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By nick - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35796

You deserved it

2717

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By gengiskarn69 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8947

You deserved it

38539

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By WTF Lady?

Rod Stewart was wrong

Today, I was walking down my street when a girl came up behind me and started yelling about me being a slut. When she saw I was the wrong person, she continued to yell at me because I have blonde hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1772

You deserved it

138

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up cold. The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. The number he left me was for a pizza place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17259

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

I agree, your life sucks

647

You deserved it

2083

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By jack - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29904

You deserved it

2291

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By radioinvader - Canada - Kingston

Freaked out

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down, laughing uncontrollably. FML

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25469

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Top comments

By strokesie | 23

#5938154 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

At least they were entertained, right?

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5938160 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

That's when you say, "Are you not entertained???"

COMMENTS

By strokesie | 23

#5938154 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

At least they were entertained, right?

relevantelephant | 5

#5938164 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:23

Or pooped themselves

ImAFaker | 29

#5938193 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:46

You should have sang "Let it Go" when he was pooping. That would've been epic.

DrHail | 22

#5938238 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:31

Probably worked well as a laxative!

By moomanjohnny | 10

#5938155 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

That must've been awkward. Hopefully you got that sorted out OP.

gjikvtj | 18

#5938173 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:28

OP should file a lawsuit

Viizzy | 6

#5938176 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:29

#14, Why would that even be worth of a lawsuit?

By KillSwitch96 | 18

#5938157 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

You must have been singing pretty loud to have not heard them grunting and straining!

DrHail | 22

#5938237 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:30

Time for some prune juice! He can give him awkward looks elsewhere, now!

By kwyk | 23

#5938158 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:20

We all do it... right?

Stazza11 | 27

#5938213 - Thursday 8 May 2014 6:33

Sing or get constipated? Haha

Andicc | 19

#5938243 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:52

.....Or walk in on someone shitting (or not shitting in this instance lol)

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5938296 - Thursday 8 May 2014 10:25

I'm gonna go a head and say all of the above lol

RedPillSucks | 31

#5938917 - Thursday 8 May 2014 23:33

Just not all at the same time

By PippaButtertubs | 15

#5938159 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

Why were they there in the first place????

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5938298 - Thursday 8 May 2014 10:27

I think the answer to your question is relatively obvious my friend...

PippaButtertubs | 15

#5938408 - Thursday 8 May 2014 13:22

I meant in the house...

Eleanor6141 | 11

#5938475 - Thursday 8 May 2014 15:44

not enough face palm's in the world..

RedPillSucks | 31

#5938921 - Thursday 8 May 2014 23:34

@43 "relatively" ....
Good one...

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5938160 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

That's when you say, "Are you not entertained???"

By ruxtain | 15

#5938161 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:22

Happened to me once.

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5938655 - Thursday 8 May 2014 19:38

Once....

By DoubleJay95 | 13

#5938163 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:23

They were probably more suprised you didn't knock.

A_Twerking_Koala | 9

#5939101 - Friday 9 May 2014 2:50

I think they didn't give a shit.

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#5938167 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:25

House wasn't as empty as you thought. Your cousin was behind door #2

By conman531 | 23

#5938168 - Thursday 8 May 2014 5:25

Someone's full of shit

TheAbstract | 15

#5938227 - Thursday 8 May 2014 7:08

I'm sure you can see yourself out.