Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated... - FML

By ugh - 3/9/2013 23:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

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Time don't heal nothing

Face value

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By ihatemyparents - 22/1/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my parents confiscated my iPod, because the parents' group they go to came to the conclusion that music is a gateway to anti-social behavior. FML

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By anonymous - 5/2/2013 05:22 - United States - Hampton

Today, at a friendly get-together, my friend's husband had too much to drink and got into a fistfight with my husband. I'm seven-and-a-half months pregnant, and the friendly get-together was my baby shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2016 06:11

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

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By ShouldBeSingleSoon - 26/3/2013 04:15 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my boyfriend, who moved in about a month ago, decided he wanted to move back out. Why? Because I don't keep my place clean enough for him. This, coming from the same man who refuses to wash or clean anything because "that's what women are for." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 15:25

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

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By child of a crazed women - 7/4/2013 09:19 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Knoxville

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

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By RdL - 17/3/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

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By carsuck - 11/11/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

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By Holyguacamoly - 27/5/2014 11:15 - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

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By effmylife - 23/10/2009 10:09 - United States

Today, I took my SUV in to get the oil changed, and the tires rotated. They allowed me to stay there, because they said it would only take 30 minutes. So I sit there in the waiting room, and I look through the window only to see my SUV falling off the lift, from 6 feet in the air. FML

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By dck128 - 29/8/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2012 17:21 - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

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By nhanley1 - 2/4/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

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By lurna301 - 17/7/2012 00:58 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend's mother introduced me as his "friend". We've been together for 10 years. FML

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By JSterl - 2/1/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, our airplane was delayed because of issues with the de-ice-ing. Then, because it had too little fuel. Then, because of engine troubles. Then, because our first officer needed to be replaced due to legal restrictions on pilots' hours. Now, I get to go straight from the plane to work. FML

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By zuut - 18/1/2009 05:22 - Australia

Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML

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By Username - 25/5/2010 12:32 - France

Today, my friend bet everyone at my lunch table that no one could catch the fly that was flying around our table. I reached up and caught it. It was a wasp, and it stung me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2016 19:46 - United States

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

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By hairball - 22/4/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, my shower is being renovated so I decided to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. I put my two year old son on the counter next to me so I could keep him close. As I was rinsing out my hair, my son started playing with the light switches. He flicked the garbage disposal by accident. FML

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By imustbegay - 9/5/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

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By couch potato - 16/3/2020 03:03

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike

Today, I argued with my mom that I deserved enough independence to ride my bike to school. Halfway there, I realized I was so out of shape that I had to call her for a ride. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2011 16:14 - Netherlands

Today, I was worried about passing an exam, so I hid a note under my skirt. When the guy next to me was finished, I had to get up so he could leave. With no time to hide the note, I stood in front of the entire class, hand over my crotch, looking as if I had to pee. FML

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By Username - 1/6/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

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By idontknowwhatiamdoing - 15/4/2014 04:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I handed in the answer sheet an hour into a 3-hour long exam because I couldn't answer most of the questions. Now, everyone thinks I'm genius because I "finished" quickly and they want me to tutor them. FML

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By Enrique - 7/2/2010 01:19 - United States

Today, I work at McDonalds. I burned my hand while cleaning their grill and have a 2nd/3rd degree burn from my pinky to my wrist. When told about this, my manager told me that there was "nothing that they could do for me and to tough it out". However I was given a free McFlurry. FML

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By Infadel - 22/7/2014 21:55 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

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By lolfayce - 6/12/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I was at the costume rental shop I work at, when I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what appeared to be one of our fake monster claws, so I chased him down and grabbed it. It wasn't. It was his prosthetic hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2012 06:31

Today, due to bad weather, my dad let me take his car to drive to my apartment 3 hours away. I only realized when I got there that my keys were still sitting on my parents' kitchen counter. FML

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By xXPikachuXx - 22/7/2019 02:01

Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

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By skreweduP - 15/6/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I went on a date with this guy and he was on his phone the whole night. When I got home I checked his facebook since he barely paid attention to me. His status was, "So-and-so is taking out the trash" from mobile posted an hour ago. I got home from my date 30 mins ago. FML

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By lostinthewoods - 30/5/2019 04:00

Today, while hiking, my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, we discovered we were on the wrong side. We had to hike 13 extra miles to go around the mountain to get back to our car. FML

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By thatcreepyteacher - 17/2/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

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By anonymous198913 - 4/2/2017 12:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how to play "Happy Birthday" on the guitar, just to have my friend tell me that my voice sucks, and that I needed to stop immediately. FML

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By mississippi123 - 6/8/2012 05:41 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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By Username - 11/1/2011 09:45

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

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By nextcontestant16 - 19/11/2012 15:12 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by waking him up with a blowjob, because he had always told me that it was a sexy fantasy of his. When he finally woke up, he got pissed off, rudely accused me of interrupting his beauty sleep, then soundly lay back down and fell asleep again. FML

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By I didn't though - 10/9/2015 04:07 - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 02:02 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for a scan. The tech went wide-eyed and stared at his screen in horror before realizing I could see him. He wouldn't tell me what he saw, apparently only my doctor is allowed to do that. So now I have to wait for god knows how long to get my results back. FML

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By No name - 18/12/2008 04:43 - Australia

Today, on a thirty minute commute to a job interview, I felt the urge to pee. When I got there, I politely asked the receptionist where the toilets were, and she told me to wait for someone to come show me. After another thirty minutes, someone turned up; the HR manager. FML

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Top comments

By Misaki18 | 17

#5658086 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Was it a boy or a girl?

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5658087 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:29

Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.

Comments

By Jezzikah | 11

#5658081 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Are you bonos mom? *hopes someone gets my South Park reference*

Reply

Rianokami | 22

#5658102 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:37

I got it. :)

Reply

Donnakar | 20

#5658115 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:43

Love it :)

Reply

Bob_Mooky | 9

#5658133 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:58

Lol I love that episode. I didn't expect Bono to actually BE the biggest crap O_O

Reply

Dreamcatcher1229 | 17

#5658143 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 10:12

Haha, one of my favorite episodes. :) OP, it sucks that your mom was there to hear you. I know we've all done random shit when we think no one is around, and it's so embarrassing to get caught. FYL, you just did something that's human nature, no worries. :)

Reply

christyxbee | 15

#5664138 - Sunday 8 September 2013 11:08

So... Did she scare the shit out if you then?

By Misaki18 | 17

#5658086 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Was it a boy or a girl?

Reply

naznafeathers | 22

#5658434 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 15:23

OP should have said "no, but you can help me come up with a name!"

Reply

Calingaladha | 21

#5658971 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 22:00

"It's a bit early to start imposing roles on it."

Reply

Little4Bear | 10

#5659658 - Thursday 5 September 2013 8:10

OP gave birth to a piece of shit.

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5658087 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:29

Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.

Reply

cna1216 | 15

#5659270 - Thursday 5 September 2013 1:28

Shouldn't that be rule number one?

Reply

2116803 | 10

#5659493 - Thursday 5 September 2013 5:03

I dont think there should be any rules to life. If you want to make noises while pushing out your turd baby from your asshole, you have my full support

By Genuine_G | 8

#5658094 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:31

There's one for the story book.

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5658356 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 13:47

And the moral of the story? Slow and steady wins the... Wait, I fucked that up.

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5658357 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 13:47

And the moral of the story? Slow and steady wins the... Wait, I fucked that up.

Reply

ifavela89 | 13

#5658451 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 15:43

A mom that cares aww great grandchildren story later on

Reply

JtPv | 14

#5658528 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 16:29

33- Huh. A double post. Been a while since I've seen one of you.

By starile | 19

#5658100 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:35

"Yes, your first grandchild has no face! Or arms or legs! Hurry! What do I do??" That oughta do it.

Reply

Little4Bear | 10

#5659660 - Thursday 5 September 2013 8:11

"But it has your eyes!"

By theBadGuy37 | 9

#5658118 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:46

Congratulations!

By IvyOswin | 17

#5658124 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:52

I really want to know if you're male, that will make this so much funnier.

Reply

CptnHowdyy | 13

#5658979 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 22:06

Of course OP is a male.

We don't poop.

By tyler384 | 6

#5658129 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:56

You must be able to entertain yourself for hours lol

By Bob_Mooky | 9

#5658130 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:56

Jeezus, don't push too hard. You'll give yourself a hemorrhoid.

Reply

martin8337 | 35

#5658828 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:41

Or tear a spincter.

By Fluffydemise | 18

#5658141 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 10:07

Take me too the hospital lady, gonna poo out a baby, pow pow pow!

Have a sandwich, make a baby, have a pizza a make another three!

Reply

Fluffydemise | 18

#5658145 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 10:13

For anyone who misses the reference, a)you suck and b) look up weebl - babies :D

Reply

jayceejaco | 15

#5658405 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 14:52

Or you just failed at being funny