Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated... - FML

By ugh - 3/9/2013 23:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

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Messed up

Dodged a bullet

Lockdown is driving us down

By bob - 1/9/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

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By notmysistersbf - 20/4/2015 02:39 - Canada - Summerland

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds then said " who the hell are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, it was my big sister's birthday, and I was told the iPod I ordered her online was not coming due to a mix up. I drove to three different electronic stores before I found the one she wanted. After spending forever in traffic, I came home to find a package on my doorstep. It was her iPod. FML

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By _RobotInDisguise - 9/12/2009 23:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

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By Brittany - 10/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

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By IMAWAKE - 17/3/2014 19:07 - United States - Romulus

Today, my roommate's extremely loud and obnoxious alarm went off six times, waking me up each time, before she finally gave up on hitting the snooze button and went back to sleep for good. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2014 15:55 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2014 02:16 - Australia - Notting Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 09:09 - United States - Pueblo

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 20:11 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my neighbor pointed to me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 07:49 - United States

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

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By swervelol - 14/7/2016 19:06

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

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By SierraDiaz2097 - 23/3/2013 05:44 - United States - Vardaman

Today, I sneezed. My boyfriend told me to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 12:00

Today, I came home to find my entire action figure collection was gone. My parents told me I am too old for toys, so they opened all of the packages and donated them to Goodwill. I had an original Boba Fett, and my entire collection was worth more than twenty thousand dollars. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2015 04:21 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 20:00

Bird song

Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

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By idated a moron - 10/6/2019 16:07

Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML

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By lollipopp56 - 26/3/2009 06:09 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

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By viperplay53 - 12/8/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, while working at a McDonald's drive-through, some dicks decided to pull a "fire in the hole" prank. Granted, it has been done to me before, this time was different. These pleasant people decided to use hot coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

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By otter - 17/8/2011 02:05 - United States

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

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By Thanks - 27/11/2009 23:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:48 - United States - Gainesboro

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. In the heat of the moment, I said his name. He immediately stopped, gave me a deadly serious look and said "Huh? What?" FML

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By published_anthropologist - 23/7/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I am working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she is wrong. FML

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By angela - 9/4/2020 23:00

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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By DanniRae - 13/3/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

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By limeiscool - 4/8/2019 04:00

Today, about to fall asleep, a bug started buzzing behind the screen to my window. Losing my sanity, I punched the screen, forgetting all about the glass. I now have a cracked window and one still annoying bug. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2011 02:21 - United States

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

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By goodlkjh - 24/4/2019 14:00 - South Africa

Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to put a camera in my room so I could be watched at all times, to make sure I'm behaving. I'm 14. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

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By lameows - 4/4/2015 01:57 - United States

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

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By hannahlorraine - 25/11/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

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By Johannes_712 - 5/7/2019 12:00

Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML

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By veebenjoo - 28/6/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, I got asked out for the first time in my life. During a prank call. By a complete stranger. FML

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By whitefox123 - 20/9/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2011 14:36 - United States

Today, I kissed a boy I have liked since the first day of university. I was thrilled until he followed it with, "Right, I don't think we should tell anyone this happened. Not that they'd believe it anyway." He then patted my ass and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2012 17:33 - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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Top comments

By Misaki18 | 17

#5658086 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Was it a boy or a girl?

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5658087 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:29

Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.

COMMENTS

By Jezzikah | 11

#5658081 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Are you bonos mom? *hopes someone gets my South Park reference*

Reply

Rianokami | 22

#5658102 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:37

I got it. :)

Reply

Donnakar | 20

#5658115 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:43

Love it :)

Reply

Bob_Mooky | 9

#5658133 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:58

Lol I love that episode. I didn't expect Bono to actually BE the biggest crap O_O

Reply

Dreamcatcher1229 | 17

#5658143 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 10:12

Haha, one of my favorite episodes. :) OP, it sucks that your mom was there to hear you. I know we've all done random shit when we think no one is around, and it's so embarrassing to get caught. FYL, you just did something that's human nature, no worries. :)

Reply

christyxbee | 15

#5664138 - Sunday 8 September 2013 11:08

So... Did she scare the shit out if you then?

By Misaki18 | 17

#5658086 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Was it a boy or a girl?

Reply

naznafeathers | 22

#5658434 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 15:23

OP should have said "no, but you can help me come up with a name!"

Reply

Calingaladha | 21

#5658971 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 22:00

"It's a bit early to start imposing roles on it."

Reply

Little4Bear | 10

#5659658 - Thursday 5 September 2013 8:10

OP gave birth to a piece of shit.

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5658087 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:29

Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.

Reply

cna1216 | 15

#5659270 - Thursday 5 September 2013 1:28

Shouldn't that be rule number one?

Reply

2116803 | 10

#5659493 - Thursday 5 September 2013 5:03

I dont think there should be any rules to life. If you want to make noises while pushing out your turd baby from your asshole, you have my full support

By Genuine_G | 8

#5658094 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:31

There's one for the story book.

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5658356 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 13:47

And the moral of the story? Slow and steady wins the... Wait, I fucked that up.

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5658357 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 13:47

And the moral of the story? Slow and steady wins the... Wait, I fucked that up.

Reply

ifavela89 | 13

#5658451 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 15:43

A mom that cares aww great grandchildren story later on

Reply

JtPv | 14

#5658528 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 16:29

33- Huh. A double post. Been a while since I've seen one of you.

By starile | 19

#5658100 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:35

"Yes, your first grandchild has no face! Or arms or legs! Hurry! What do I do??" That oughta do it.

Reply

Little4Bear | 10

#5659660 - Thursday 5 September 2013 8:11

"But it has your eyes!"

By theBadGuy37 | 9

#5658118 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:46

Congratulations!

By IvyOswin | 17

#5658124 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:52

I really want to know if you're male, that will make this so much funnier.

Reply

CptnHowdyy | 13

#5658979 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 22:06

Of course OP is a male.

We don't poop.

By tyler384 | 6

#5658129 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:56

You must be able to entertain yourself for hours lol

By Bob_Mooky | 9

#5658130 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:56

Jeezus, don't push too hard. You'll give yourself a hemorrhoid.

Reply

martin8337 | 35

#5658828 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:41

Or tear a spincter.

By Fluffydemise | 18

#5658141 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 10:07

Take me too the hospital lady, gonna poo out a baby, pow pow pow!

Have a sandwich, make a baby, have a pizza a make another three!

Reply

Fluffydemise | 18

#5658145 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 10:13

For anyone who misses the reference, a)you suck and b) look up weebl - babies :D

Reply

jayceejaco | 15

#5658405 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 14:52

Or you just failed at being funny