Health: Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated... - FML

By ugh - 03/09/2013 23:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 737

You deserved it 40 788

Compromises

And today, on Dr Phil…

Slot machine addicts

By shoelace18 - 06/09/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 805

You deserved it 5 928

By Bee - 31/08/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 358

You deserved it 91 712

By yepintheladiesroom - 07/06/2014 21:37 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 612

You deserved it 5 609

By thosedamnkids - 22/01/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 260

You deserved it 2 628

The more the merrier

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 17:02 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I apparently I created a group chat with the four guys I saw any potential with, ruining every single one of the possible future relationships all at once because they now know about each other. I give up on dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 171

You deserved it 1 650

Bigmouth strikes again

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 08:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 1 077

By kengu - 23/10/2011 21:02 - Norway

Today, I mopped all the floors in my house. When I was finally done, I accidentally knocked over an open bottle of soda. My cats took this as a perfect opportunity to chase each other around, step in the soda, and track sticky paw prints everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 555

You deserved it 7 105

By ughhhh - 03/05/2014 21:10 - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 625

You deserved it 7 942

By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 13:30

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 257

You deserved it 357

By mylifeisahell - 18/02/2010 15:01 - Norway

Today, I found garbage in my postbox. In amongst the garbage, I found a note saying ''This is all you ever will get. Stay away from me!'', from the girl I sent a love poem to the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 295

You deserved it 7 186

By Pop_Pies - 03/09/2009 13:27 - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 979

You deserved it 4 140

By poongoon - 13/07/2016 04:11

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 953

You deserved it 831

By pyroman1127 - 16/05/2011 19:34 - United States

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love twinkies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 024

You deserved it 39 329

By ThanksMom - 26/03/2009 18:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 369

You deserved it 9 159

By Anonymous - 03/09/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 041

You deserved it 13 799

By madison77 - 21/11/2011 23:26 - United States

Today, my engagement ring was seized by the police, and my fiancé was arrested on larceny charges. Both in the same visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 434

You deserved it 3 027

By mysterygurll1234567 - 20/01/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 639

You deserved it 3 696

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 03:19 - United States - Warsaw

Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 005

You deserved it 52 360

By Arlbethere - 25/02/2011 12:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended the wrong funeral. I spent twenty minutes trying to hide and walk away without being too conspicuous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 260

You deserved it 8 616

By williebees - 28/11/2012 17:43 - United States - Huntsville

Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 456

You deserved it 2 409

By Aly - 15/08/2013 07:10 - United States - Ontario

Today, my cousin texted me, asking how the chicken pizza had settled in my stomach. We got drunk last night and had pizza. I thought it was cheese; it was chicken. I've been vegetarian for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 570

You deserved it 48 715

By lk07 - 03/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 675

You deserved it 309

By Fefrank - 25/03/2019 00:00

I broke a bolt on my minivan trying to fix the timing belt myself to save money. I spent about 300 dollars in parts. Today I took the van to the shop and the total to fix it is going to be 1200 dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 559

You deserved it 943

By ang3l4 - 21/09/2016 05:28 - United States - Redding

Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 456

You deserved it 1 209

By Mr. X - 23/02/2016 17:46 - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 511

You deserved it 5 438

By poo_shoe123 - 31/03/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 037

You deserved it 10 121

By maggu - 11/02/2013 04:26 - Denmark

Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 124

You deserved it 7 384

By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 01:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 552

You deserved it 2 322

On the rocks

By leogs23 - 26/01/2021 10:59

Today, my fiancée is convinced that I just want to marry her to get a green card, so she doesn’t want to marry me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 614

You deserved it 669

Oh, hi Mark!

By DepressedKid - 01/10/2010 11:31 - Canada

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 224

You deserved it 3 726

By Anonymous - 09/08/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 210

You deserved it 12 415

By anonymousyo - 24/04/2015 22:04 - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 048

You deserved it 4 210

By down trodden - 05/09/2013 07:45 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 361

You deserved it 3 294

By Dana - 10/05/2011 08:36 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. He's a straight-A student and very nice in general. After I finished pouring my heart out, he stared at me for a bit and then said: "Nice rack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 999

You deserved it 12 097

By Anonymous - 25/01/2014 15:43 - United States - South Salem

Today, my boyfriend proposed: he told me the feeling he gets from being in love with me is the best feeling in the world, even better than the feeling he gets when he poops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 814

You deserved it 7 414

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 02:01

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 152

Bye, dipshit

By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 033

You deserved it 224

By echo - 11/05/2016 18:59 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 104

You deserved it 1 345

By bertiebeth - 02/08/2014 05:35 - Australia - Padstow

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 701

You deserved it 4 013

By carnivore - 22/09/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 467

You deserved it 5 876

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Was it a boy or a girl?

HeyHeyFishFillet 34

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:29

Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.

Comments

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Are you bonos mom? *hopes someone gets my South Park reference*

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:37

I got it. :)

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:43

Love it :)

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:58

Lol I love that episode. I didn't expect Bono to actually BE the biggest crap O_O

Dreamcatcher1229 17

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 10:12

Haha, one of my favorite episodes. :) OP, it sucks that your mom was there to hear you. I know we've all done random shit when we think no one is around, and it's so embarrassing to get caught. FYL, you just did something that's human nature, no worries. :)

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Sunday 8 September 2013 11:08

So... Did she scare the shit out if you then?

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:27

Was it a boy or a girl?

naznafeathers 22

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 15:23

OP should have said "no, but you can help me come up with a name!"

Calingaladha 21

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 22:00

"It's a bit early to start imposing roles on it."

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Thursday 5 September 2013 8:10

OP gave birth to a piece of shit.

HeyHeyFishFillet 34

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:29

Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.

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Thursday 5 September 2013 1:28

Shouldn't that be rule number one?

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Thursday 5 September 2013 5:03

I dont think there should be any rules to life. If you want to make noises while pushing out your turd baby from your asshole, you have my full support

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:31

There's one for the story book.

Mister_Triangle 21

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 13:47

And the moral of the story? Slow and steady wins the... Wait, I fucked that up.

Mister_Triangle 21

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 13:47

And the moral of the story? Slow and steady wins the... Wait, I fucked that up.

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 15:43

A mom that cares aww great grandchildren story later on

JtPv 14

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 16:29

33- Huh. A double post. Been a while since I've seen one of you.

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:35

"Yes, your first grandchild has no face! Or arms or legs! Hurry! What do I do??" That oughta do it.

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Thursday 5 September 2013 8:11

"But it has your eyes!"

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:46

Congratulations!

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:52

I really want to know if you're male, that will make this so much funnier.

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 22:06

Of course OP is a male. We don't poop.

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:56

You must be able to entertain yourself for hours lol

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 9:56

Jeezus, don't push too hard. You'll give yourself a hemorrhoid.

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:41

Or tear a spincter.

Fluffydemise 18

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 10:07

Take me too the hospital lady, gonna poo out a baby, pow pow pow! Have a sandwich, make a baby, have a pizza a make another three!

Fluffydemise 18

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 10:13

For anyone who misses the reference, a)you suck and b) look up weebl - babies :D

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 14:52

Or you just failed at being funny

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 4

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 25

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 293

You deserved it 33