Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush,... - FML

By manderz? - 3/8/2016 00:18 - United States - Beach Haven

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

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Boozehound

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By nana. - 15/2/2009 15:29 - Canada

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

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By meandme - 4/3/2014 22:55 - Canada - Fort Vermilion

Today, I saw a kid getting bullied; a girl was hitting him in the head. After having an inner struggle with what to do, I tried to stop them. Both kids then turned on me, and called me a "hippo". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 03:48 - United States

Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our apartment again. Apparently, I need to be careful because the snake's attracted to blood. I'm on my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2016 14:55 - United States - Harbor City

Today, my 70-year-old boss asked me to order sexy lingerie she saw on the cover a magazine. FML

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By dumb - 2/6/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, my new subletter moved in. Within 6 hours one of my cats took a dump on her pants. I freaked out, lit some candles to hide the smell and threw her pants in the washer. When the cycle was done I found her cell phone at the bottom of the washing machine. FML

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By anonymous - 17/1/2010 16:22 - Austria

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend, who I've dated for 6 years, is getting engaged to my friend. The very same "friend" who's been encouraging me to break up with her for the past year. FML

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By Dan1021 - 4/2/2012 19:31 - France

Today, after telling my girlfriend that I loved her, she dumped me claiming I was getting "too attached". I've already spent almost $400 on her Valentine's Day present. FML

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By Lizzielollipop816 - 18/2/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

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By twatstick - 21/8/2013 17:30 - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 00:01 - United States

Today, I met my new college room-mate. He then introduced me to his imaginary friend. FML

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By tallguy - 29/8/2013 13:40 - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 12:04 - United States

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

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By Alli.M - 18/3/2012 11:06 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML

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By roo - 27/1/2011 16:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a flight home. I'd worn a belt because my skirt was too big. When I walked through security, they asked me to remove my belt. My skirt fell down in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2013 16:50 - United Kingdom - Nuneaton

Today, after recently breaking up with my boyfriend, I unknowingly washed my laundry using his washing tabs. My whole wardrobe now smells like my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2015 13:17 - United States - Westborough

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

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By Markeesha - 15/7/2018 19:30 - United States - Eaton

What happens in Vegas doesn't stay there?

Today, I got a letter from the state that I'm being divorced. I've never been married. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 17:27 - United States

Today, I got called for a job interview. I didn't catch where it was, and in my excitement I forgot to ask. I now have no idea where I'm being interviewed. FML

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By twobyfour - 15/10/2019 12:00

Shelved plans

Today, after spending two hard months losing 20 pounds of my 80 pound goal, I was actually excited to exercise. After I was done exercising, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML

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By CptZoe - 29/2/2012 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend to marry me, because it's a leap year. He is now avoiding me for fear that I was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 17:49 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I saw my former high school teacher at the mall. After a nice conversation, she mentioned that I "still dress like a slut." FML

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By magicalDEATH - 19/1/2010 17:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

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By PrinceOfBritain - 14/5/2015 02:41 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

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By Cold&Soaked - 3/2/2018 05:00

Today, I set my alarm and got up early to view the Super Blue Blood Moon. I was all wrapped up in a blanket and had a perfect view from my backyard. It’s been a truly amazing experience, made even more exciting by the sprinklers turning on. FML

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By Akestarr - 2/12/2013 13:28 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I found out that my dad paid for my sister's friend's airplane ticket so she could attend my sister's wedding. I would have been there myself, but I couldn't afford the airplane ticket. FML

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By catbum - 10/11/2016 03:54 - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

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By damn dog - 5/7/2013 05:43 - United States

Today, during a firework show, my dog gave me her opinion about them by practically eating half my bedroom door then defecating on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 09:07 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 23:51 - United States

Today, I started college after a night out. I'd got tipsy at the club and started dancing with a cute guy. He asked for my number. I didn't want to give it to him, so I gave him a rejection number. Guess who's the new professor for my bio class? And yes, he recognized me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML

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By wobble... - 23/2/2012 11:29 - Australia

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

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By baconlady - 31/8/2012 07:06 - United States

Today, I bought some perfume that I thought smelled absolutely amazing. Later, my boyfriend walked in, sniffed, and said, "What smells like bacon?" The bottle cost $83. They won't take a refund. FML

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By GavinHosler - 29/1/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

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By anonamous - 12/3/2012 21:45 - United States

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

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By "Luke Payne" - 30/12/2019 14:00

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when I realised that I hadn't got my headphones in and was blasting Eminem whilst walking past a bunch of 5 year olds. He said the 'N' word at the same time. I guess I'm not going to that bus stop any more. FML

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By Sad - 28/4/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

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By Cano951 - 16/12/2011 20:16 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By aeghw1s - 9/6/2011 11:50 - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

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Top comments

By Mightyrif | 23

#6664126 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:28

If he is as amazing as the date was he should forgive and forget. Heck it would be a funny story to tell your potential spawn.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6664133 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:35

As annoying as vomit is to clean up, your date shouldn't hold it against you - I'm hoping he was sympathetic and helped to look after you. :)

Comments

By Mightyrif | 23

#6664126 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:28

If he is as amazing as the date was he should forgive and forget. Heck it would be a funny story to tell your potential spawn.

Reply

Jatok | 17

#6664309 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:45

I'd just like to clarify that the main reason i upvoted this is because you called children spawn. Made my day

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6664133 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:35

As annoying as vomit is to clean up, your date shouldn't hold it against you - I'm hoping he was sympathetic and helped to look after you. :)

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6664134 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:36

On the bright side, you had a great first date, with no hate. You ate a good meal at night, late. I would rate that eight out of eight. Good job, mate.

Reply

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6664290 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:11

I'd give it a 5/7. perfect score!

By mfmylifesrsly | 29

#6664142 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:44

I understand it's embarrassing but if he really cares for you it won't really bother him. When my sister and her husband went on their second date he got food poisoning and threw up on her. They've been together almost 10 years now and married for 3.

By charliewhippet | 9

#6664146 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 11:00

But it will make such a cute story when you get married! :-D

By species4872 | 19

#6664162 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 11:28

Arm wrestle to see who would clean it up.

By montsecc | 8

#6664169 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 11:33

He won't call you again XD

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6664253 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 15:04

If he doesn't call again then at least OP knows he's an asshole and isn't worth her time.

By blairiofosterio1 | 10

#6664181 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 11:58

Did you eat a whole jar of mayo perchance?

Reply

cjcj11 | 6

#6664265 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 15:32

???

Reply

J352SAURUS | 30

#6664624 - Thursday 4 August 2016 1:02

Previous FML...

By SargeRho | 6

#6664188 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 12:58

If he doesn't call you, definitely call him. He might feel awkward about it, but if the date went this well, he'll surely forgive and forget. At least, I would.

By Nova297 | 23

#6664213 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 13:42

My boyfriend of two years now threw up on our first date after eating at Olive Garden, maybe it's a good omen :D