Love: Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush,... - FML

By manderz? - United States - Beach Haven

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

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This Charming Man

F is for Family

All that time I'm never getting back

By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 05:01 - Canada

That's… a crime?

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that I see a therapist every week because, amongst other things, I'm terrified of being locked in a room. He didn't believe me, so he locked me in the bathroom "for a laugh." I had a panic attack and passed out. FML

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By prisonbitch - United States

Today, after five different interviews, I got an offer for a great job. I was excited to fill out paperwork and get the ball rolling, until they called and said that I didn't pass the criminal background check. I get off probation in less than a week. FML

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By Hakimstah - Lebanon

Pranked

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

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By IamHM - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I am on a 14 hour flight, stuck next to a large man whose rancid body odor is eclipsed only by his constant flatulence, which he loudly blames on me every time. On my other side is his friend who laughs like a moose at everything. There are no empty seats and no-one will trade with me. FML

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By Humiliated - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

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By sen - United States

Today, I was sleeping when my roommate walked in and asked me: "So...when are you leaving?" She had decided to throw a party in our apartment. I wasn't invited. FML

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By RevolutionLove - United States

Today, at a gynecologist's appointment, I was privileged to have 7 co-ed nursing students stare at my vagina for 25 minutes as part of their training. At one point the doctor apologized for having to "open me up more than usual", but said she wanted everyone to get a good view. FML

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By wishbone - Canada

Today, a cute boy told me I looked like a celebrity. Flattered, I asked who I resembled. He responded by saying that I looked exactly like Ugly Betty. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Lelystad

Today, I spilled my guts to my girlfriend, saying I'm scared that all I do is upset her. I then had to sit through a speech about how upset she was that I hadn't told her sooner. FML

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By Helen - United States - Pine Bluff

Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML

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By kmb04 - Canada

Today, after a great night of sexual pleasure, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML

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By jan420 - Norway - Moss

Today, I paid a surprise visit to my parents, after having moved out for university last year. My room had been stripped bare and all the family photos featuring me were missing from the wall. When I asked why, my mom asked me in return why I was asking stupid questions. FML

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By md - Canada

Today, I got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems with it not going off when the car was hit. To demonstrate this to the installers, I bumped my car with my hip, which left a dent, and set the alarm off. FML

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By liz - United States

Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML

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By lovelife - United States

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

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By mmmtortilla - Spain - Portugalete

Today, while putting on a load of laundry, I squeezed the detergent bottle and it made a noise like a woman's orgasm. After laughing, I realised that I'm probably too immature to be washing my own clothes. FML

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By thanksjerk - Canada

Today, I was talking with my friend-turned boyfriend and cutely told him that I could no longer remember all the things that he used to do that bothered me. He told me he could remember every one of mine and listed them all off for me. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got yelled at for providing horrible customer service, in a store I don't even work for. FML

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By Misky

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By DrtySnchez - United States - Statham

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of an old Tiki torch to bring on vacation with us to Sauble Beach, and he plans on using this contraption. On the beach. With all of us there to watch. He's 17 years-old. FML

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By spanishgirl101 - Canada

Today, I fell down the stairs, and my uncle came rushing over because he thought it was his 1 year old son. He saw me lying on the ground and said, "Oh. It's you," and then left to watch the hockey game. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 23:01

First impressions

Today, while on a date, I accidentally ordered "diet water" instead of saying "diet coke". FML

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By sweatstreaks - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

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By monkey - United States - Logan

Today, my daughter told me she is pregnant. The father is the foreign exchange student who just moved back to Germany. FML

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By superconfused16 - United States

Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

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By stupidneighbor - United States

Today, I slipped on the ice in front of my apartment, spraining my ankle and cracking a rib. While I laid on the ground immediately after, my neighbor chewed me out for saying "shit" in front of her 4-year-old on my way down. FML

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By twitch01 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

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By fmypaint - United States

Today, I was vigorously putting primer on my canvas for a beginning painting class. I accidentally sprayed specks of primer on the very dark painting to the right of mine. The painter is in an advanced class. She's been working on this one all semester. There's no one to her right. FML

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By lolreturn - United States

Today, I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Wal-Mart so I could return a pair of shorts. When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. It was the longest return of my life. FML

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By CLH - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML

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By Anonymous

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

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By Anonymous

Bite me

Today, after two root canal procedures done on the same tooth in last two years, the tooth had been acting up for a few days, so I went in to get it checked. Turns out, it got infected AGAIN and I gotta get a THIRD root canal done on the same tooth. FML

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By US_Healthcare_Sucks - 30/7/2021 14:01

Medicare for all

Today, I went to a doctor's appointment, being concerned about some abnormal swelling and soreness in one of my testicles. They fondled my balls for 20 seconds before saying, "Yeah, that's abnormal. You should probably go get an ultrasound somewhere and maybe take some ibuprofen for the pain. That'll be $265." FML

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By SF49 - United States

Dingdong

Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family. She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decided to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills. She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid. FML

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By rosmaizura - Malaysia

Today, my mom added me on Facebook. She wrote on my wall, for the whole world to see, "Why are you swearing on the internet?! You're grounded". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By lexii - United States

Today, while trying to kill a spider in my kitchen, I thought it would be wise to throw a bottle at it. The bottle hit the wall, bounced off the fridge and hit me in the face. The lucky spider crawled away, and is surely still laughing somewhere. FML

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Top comments

By Mightyrif | 23

#6664126 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:28

If he is as amazing as the date was he should forgive and forget. Heck it would be a funny story to tell your potential spawn.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6664133 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:35

As annoying as vomit is to clean up, your date shouldn't hold it against you - I'm hoping he was sympathetic and helped to look after you. :)

COMMENTS

By Mightyrif | 23

#6664126 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:28

If he is as amazing as the date was he should forgive and forget. Heck it would be a funny story to tell your potential spawn.

Reply

Jatok | 17

#6664309 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:45

I'd just like to clarify that the main reason i upvoted this is because you called children spawn. Made my day

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6664133 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:35

As annoying as vomit is to clean up, your date shouldn't hold it against you - I'm hoping he was sympathetic and helped to look after you. :)

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6664134 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:36

On the bright side, you had a great first date, with no hate. You ate a good meal at night, late. I would rate that eight out of eight. Good job, mate.

Reply

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6664290 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 16:11

I'd give it a 5/7. perfect score!

By mfmylifesrsly | 29

#6664142 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 10:44

I understand it's embarrassing but if he really cares for you it won't really bother him. When my sister and her husband went on their second date he got food poisoning and threw up on her. They've been together almost 10 years now and married for 3.

By charliewhippet | 9

#6664146 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 11:00

But it will make such a cute story when you get married! :-D

By species4872 | 19

#6664162 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 11:28

Arm wrestle to see who would clean it up.

By montsecc | 8

#6664169 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 11:33

He won't call you again XD

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6664253 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 15:04

If he doesn't call again then at least OP knows he's an asshole and isn't worth her time.

By blairiofosterio1 | 10

#6664181 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 11:58

Did you eat a whole jar of mayo perchance?

Reply

cjcj11 | 6

#6664265 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 15:32

???

Reply

J352SAURUS | 30

#6664624 - Thursday 4 August 2016 1:02

Previous FML...

By SargeRho | 6

#6664188 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 12:58

If he doesn't call you, definitely call him. He might feel awkward about it, but if the date went this well, he'll surely forgive and forget. At least, I would.

By Nova297 | 23

#6664213 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 13:42

My boyfriend of two years now threw up on our first date after eating at Olive Garden, maybe it's a good omen :D