Today, it's my birthday and I'd invited quite a lot of my friends...

By Callum536 - 22/8/2016 09:51 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, it's my birthday and I'd invited quite a lot of my friends to come round and have some fun. When I got home, I saw a few cars outside. It turned out to be for the neighbours. I waited and waited; none of my friends showed up. FML

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Miscellaneous

Last dates

Clocked

True hero

By Liz - 1/7/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

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By CaoiiBieber - 17/7/2011 19:15 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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By bittenbyadonkey - 28/1/2011 17:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

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By Gassy - 21/9/2015 14:45 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

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By em from Cali - 28/7/2012 08:07 - United States - Visalia

Today, a homeless lady decided she needed to change underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see her legs in the air with no undies on. I can never eat salami again. FML

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By CmS_1733 - 11/2/2016 18:59 - United States - Pottsville

Today, after long day at work, I stopped by my parents' house to say hi. After 30 minutes into the visit, my dad turns to me and asks, "Did you really have to stop by while I was balls deep?" Apparently I interrupted my parents' sex time. FML

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By MovingOut - 16/1/2015 01:21 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML

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By SadisticSatire - 11/10/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, I went to work to find two new beautiful trainees. I thought maybe I might be able to hook up with one of them, so I walk up and flash my blue eyes and begin to act like a gentleman. Not five minutes into our conversation the girls ask me if there are any cute guys working here. FML

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By PackingSpaceHeat - 11/10/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I realized I've been acting very paranoid lately. I was mugged a few weeks ago, so I've been nervous. I've been holding my hands in my pockets and looking around on my way outside from work. Apparently, that's grounds to arrest someone under suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, while working at a restaurant, I watched someone throw their car door open and hit the side of my brand new car for the third time this week. I told the woman to be more careful. She told my manager that I was being racist. As I was being yelled at, I watched her hit my car again, smiling. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 05:03 - Canada - Toronto

Is this Brexit?

Today, in the same sentence, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me," and "I want to break up with you because I can't face your family." FML

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By Busted - 26/7/2010 12:26 - South Africa

Today, I was woken up because the police were pounding on my door, and saying I am under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs then plant them on my front lawn. FML

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By sirttocs - 14/5/2019 00:00

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I remembered what I did in my sleep last night. Turns out, in my sleep, I grabbed her crotch and said, “Just making sure you’re not Shae.” Shae is her sister. FML

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By ANON - 18/3/2016 16:04 - United States - Littleton

Today, I went straight from work to a blind date, and I decided to change in my car at the parking lot. Someone pulled up next to me as I had my ass to the window. It was my date. FML

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By Ah piss - 15/9/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2016 16:16 - United States - Bell

Today, my son was crying because he wanted his daddy, and he asked when he can see him. I had no idea what to say, given his dad left us in the middle of the night last year, now lives in another country, and told me he never wants to see us again. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Hair Fail - 22/10/2011 15:32 - United States

Today, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a medium brown. Little did I know, some jerk switched the hair dye boxes. My hair is now bright orange. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 20:00

Freudian slip

Today, I accidentally sent a very sexually explicit message to my online class because I thought I was typing in a different window. You can't delete messages. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2020 14:00

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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By Florida Girl - 9/3/2019 12:00

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story of my dad’s senior prank, his mom said during her senior year, some asshole spray-painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

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By Confusedfiance - 16/10/2018 05:00

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

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By me - 21/3/2013 10:25 - United Kingdom - Chichester

Today, I finally got to meet my boyfriend's parents; it turns out that his mum is my therapist. I've just spent an entire morning telling her how confused I am about my sexuality. FML

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By Confusedblonde - 30/4/2015 03:31 - United States - Canton

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

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By heartless - 15/5/2009 06:14 - Canada

Today, I realised that my glade plug-in air freshner lasts longer than any of my relationships have. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2015 22:59 - United States - Framingham

Today, I got to listen to my boss lecture me about professional dress and subtly insinuate that my being on the heavier side top-wise with all the men in the office could be a problem. I've worn turtle necks for the whole two months I've been working there. FML

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By Salvation711 - 15/4/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

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By I need a new ballsack. - 16/9/2014 16:20 - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

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By thankssiren - 24/5/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Sandiacre

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

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By "Nancy Marlin" - 16/7/2017 13:00

Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2018 01:30

How shocking!

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put his dog shock collar on me to wake me in lieu of my alarm. You know how those cartoon characters look when they're electrocuted? That's exactly how I woke up. FML

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By Tired - 5/8/2010 18:38 - United States

Today, I got home from work to find the door locked and dead bolted, so I used my cell to call the home phone while banging on the door. My stepmom came out of her room, looked right at me, laughed, and went back to bed. This is the fifth time she's done this. FML

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By Username - 29/7/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML

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By Noname - 21/2/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway." FML

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By risingtide - 20/11/2018 15:30

Today, I reached my exam center late after taking wrong metro twice, only to find that I forgot my calculator at home. FML

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By Loveless - 9/4/2018 13:00 - United States - Ashland

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

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By agentile - 2/12/2010 01:14 - United States

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

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By myheart75 - 7/8/2011 09:52 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 21:29 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

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By Stuck - 12/2/2014 18:25 - United States - Evans

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

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Top comments

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6690846 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:06

As long as you are part of the FML community, you are never truly alone. You will always find at least one other person to relate to. Happy Birthday and best wishes!

By WCARlover | 34

#6690849 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:07

I don't understand how stuff like this happens...even if I had just an acquaintance invite me to something for their birthday I would at least let them know if I couldn't make it. So rude.

COMMENTS

By varunet2004 | 11

#6690842 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:03

Happy Birthday!

By ken_ney | 17

#6690843 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:05

Time for some new friends :/

By Marco1017 | 9

#6690844 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:05

Awww OP I'm so sorry, but if it's any consolation, Happy birthday!

By nattlecakes | 19

#6690845 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:06

Shove your birthday cake up their asses.

nonsensical | 26

#6690855 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:11

It might be more satisfying to actually eat the cake for him/herself.

XQuartzX | 15

#6690857 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:18

Now that is truly, a waste of cake.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6690846 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:06

As long as you are part of the FML community, you are never truly alone. You will always find at least one other person to relate to. Happy Birthday and best wishes!

By jk_waks23 | 19

#6690848 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:07

Hopefully after you posted this FML they all jumped from your neighbors place to surprise you! I wish you a very happy birthday OP! Keep smiling :)

By WCARlover | 34

#6690849 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:07

I don't understand how stuff like this happens...even if I had just an acquaintance invite me to something for their birthday I would at least let them know if I couldn't make it. So rude.

katachristic | 19

#6690870 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:53

I'm thinking maybe he invited them on Facebook or something and they didn't see it? Or even if they did, everyone is "friends" with everyone on fb and invites their entire friend list to everything, so not replying is kind of socially acceptable there. If they saw a direct message or text and ignored it though, then that's kinda douchy.

By that1kid24 | 3

#6690850 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:09

I'm sorry to hear that man really, Happy Bday, know you know who your friends are.

By nonsensical | 26

#6690851 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:09

I don't understand these FMLs. Did none of them say in advance that they couldn't make it, or did they all say they could make it and just agreed amongst themselves that they wouldn't go? Is there no communication? With all these group chats nowadays I find it hard not to know what's going on unless either none of them said they were going; or they're all just assholes.

Either way, FYL OP.

By nesteremily | 31

#6690856 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:13

Some friends they are.