Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking.... - FML

25/09/2010 04:49 - France

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 444

You deserved it 6 566

Triage

What happened?

Start 'em young

Cursed FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 11:01

Today, my parents think the only reason I'm gay is because I have a curse that makes me attracted to females and I'm actually straight. At this point, even my older sisters believe it which is crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 95

10/02/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 306

You deserved it 12 661

11/02/2015 21:51 - United States - Oak Brook

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 110

You deserved it 7 034

30/01/2009 15:28 - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been trying to date for six months is gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 838

You deserved it 6 252

Et tu, Chandler?

By Anonymous - 18/08/2019 14:00

Today, I found out that when my friends say they're too busy to hang out with me, what they really mean is that they're going to have an awesome pool party, and don't want me to come. The Instagram stories say it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 726

You deserved it 163

01/12/2016 20:30

Today, my boss reprimanded me for my lack of media communications skills. It would be more understandable if I weren't a janitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 132

You deserved it 622

30/09/2016 02:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 786

You deserved it 760

17/10/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, my 28-year-old brother who has been pranking me all my life, put a chocolate cupcake on my chair. I sat on it, with my white dress. On my wedding day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 987

You deserved it 4 378

15/10/2018 12:00

Today, I helped an older guy with his safe deposit box. He said it's perfect for holding his ex-wife's remains and laughed. I laughed because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 569

You deserved it 272

30/05/2014 22:05 - Australia - Bentleigh East

Spicy

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 467

You deserved it 7 509

05/01/2016 03:27 - United States - Mundelein

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 755

You deserved it 1 260

21/06/2009 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for my little sister's birthday. She loves manga. I've never read manga, so I bought a couple of novels from the "popular" shelf. Turns out if they have white covers it means they are "adult" books. I bought my sister a "lolicon" manga - filled with prebuscent naked girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 929

You deserved it 22 473

17/02/2011 08:08

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 352

You deserved it 4 251

11/06/2014 02:07 - United States - Falmouth

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 971

You deserved it 9 739

Now you know

By Ouchies - 18/03/2021 17:01

Today, I went to the beach. My friend decided it would be funny to push me into a bunch of Portuguese Man-O-War jellyfish washed up on the shore. Did you know their tentacles can sting even if they’re dead? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 68

14/07/2014 17:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 171

You deserved it 5 588

14/05/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 277

You deserved it 7 583

Leave spiders to chill

By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 14:07

Today, I saw a spider in my room. I got a piece of paper to try and put it outside. As I reached, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to smack where the spider was - my face. I fell on the floor disoriented. The spider got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 280

25/11/2009 18:31 - Canada

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 786

You deserved it 2 905

18/07/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 821

You deserved it 3 652

01/10/2010 22:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 822

You deserved it 46 185

08/09/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, I was put on notice at work due to my "anger problem." Apparently, sighing in a meeting means you will be labeled as someone with a short temper. However the creepy stalker guy is on the fast track to management. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 483

You deserved it 3 102

05/09/2015 18:48 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was putting baby powder on my bare ass, when his dad walked into the room, casually set a laundry basket next to the bed, and walked out like nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 830

You deserved it 8 134

15/11/2012 19:47 - Ireland

Today, I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 565

You deserved it 2 470

14/12/2014 07:50 - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 795

You deserved it 2 826

07/04/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

I agree, your life sucks 99 213

You deserved it 29 758

19/07/2013 13:54 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 041

You deserved it 26 506

09/01/2013 18:48 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my son got his first tooth, and is enthusiastically biting everything. I breastfeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 140

You deserved it 6 774

Douchebag Alert!

By amy - 02/04/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 595

You deserved it 277

19/08/2009 12:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend didn't come home from a night of drinking with the boys again, so I told him that I was packing my things and I wouldn't be here when he came home. After all my things were packed, I realized he drove my car to the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 709

You deserved it 8 907

22/01/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 518

You deserved it 49 293

17/12/2009 12:49 - United States

Today, my sister-in-law told me calmly that she never cared for me, likes her brother's ex more than me, and probably will always dislike me. It was our first serious conversation ever, that I initiated because I wanted to "maintain our great friendship." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 339

You deserved it 3 072

18/06/2017 00:00

Today, I finally have a day to go to the library and read for hours. Today is also a playday event for toddlers. In the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 641

You deserved it 509

Threesome weirdness

By Anonymous - 08/10/2020 02:01

Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 1 061

14/08/2013 21:13 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 120

You deserved it 4 136

10/12/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend left me for my neighbor. Her name is Hope. She'd better "hope" I don't take a dump in her yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 322

You deserved it 16 427

19/02/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I decided to try this new cardio workout video I got. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room I heard a noise behind me. Turns out there were three boys outside my window watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 055

You deserved it 29 054

20/01/2014 20:23 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 321

You deserved it 33 825

31/03/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 036

You deserved it 10 121

Who? Where? Why? What?

By up to no-good... - 22/08/2014 04:09 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 371

You deserved it 3 209

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:22

That bitch! I hate it when they spit it up instead of swallowing it.

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:18

you shouldve turned around, taken a drink and spat in her face. then you'd be even.

Comments

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:18

wow fyl. first

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:19

Aren't you just special.

fendr 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:18

wow that sucks

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Saturday 25 September 2010 13:05

FYL OP. i would have made that bitch pay for it.

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Saturday 25 September 2010 14:05

Oh yes, that woman was totally a bitch for being thirsty and laughing at a comedy club. She should die a long and painfull death!!! ... Honestly, I think that woman was embarrased enough for her unwillingly and uncontrollable spitting. The only thing you could blame her for is that she drank, and I don't know about you people, but I do that also sometimes. And when I drink, people shouldn't tell jokes. I won't spit, I will choke. Joyfull. But still, it was an accident, you can't blame the woman. Only morons wants to revenge an unlucky accident. I also don't blame OP. It was not a very bright idea to go out with an haircut that should stayed perfect till the other day. There are always risks, but hey, she wasn't expected them. Normally, nothing would have happened.

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Saturday 25 September 2010 14:28

I agree with 25. YDI for trying to keep your hair perfect.

Zealoushalfling 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 14:38

Not really... She just deserves it for being a complete retard and not realizing that there would be a pretty high risk of something falling into her hair, or something going in it if she went out apposed to staying in at home until the wedding.

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Saturday 25 September 2010 16:02

wtf y did she do he hair the day before the wedding? pics or didnt happen

iSitt 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 16:12

so what REALY happens at a bachelorette party ?

hnz 13

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Saturday 25 September 2010 16:19

fyl op! but who knows your hair might be more silky with the added ingredient

z620 0

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Monday 27 September 2010 3:47

why did you do your hair the day b4 the wedding when I wake up it looks crazy shoulda got it early the next morning

MissEmma_fml 22

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:18

oohhh unlucky. DX funny though :D

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Monday 27 September 2010 6:13

rofl that's an awesome pic

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:18

you shouldve turned around, taken a drink and spat in her face. then you'd be even.

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:20

That suck. FYL

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:22

That bitch! I hate it when they spit it up instead of swallowing it.

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:23

Heh.

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:27

Good call, Bro!

bigredmonkeybutt 25

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Saturday 25 September 2010 15:48

lmao win

richard121212 0

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Wednesday 15 June 2011 18:30

ur pic is anti chafing powder logo

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:27

two things. how drunk was she. and that happens when something is that funny. like a cliche of milk coming out the nose. that happened with soda to me. it burnt. really bad.

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Saturday 25 September 2010 16:56

same here. X(

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:35

Well, hmm, you see... ...oh, screw it. There is no point in saying something witty after #7.

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:46

I know, I read all the comments before me and was like, "For real, no ones worked this angle yet?" I then wrote that shit as quickly as possible.

brittanystrachan 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 16:45

love your pic!!!

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:49

ydi for getting your hair ready the day before. being late is good luck didn't you know lol

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Saturday 25 September 2010 23:31

yeah why would you get it done the day before? sleep messes up hair...

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:55

that's just screwed up.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 117

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138

You deserved it 44

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 157

You deserved it 498