Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 1 258

30/06/2014 01:05

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 855

You deserved it 7 184

Taking stock

Leave us alone

Luck of the draw

30/06/2015 06:18

Today, my boss is on the phone with a Russian customer, who keeps saying, "Speak Russian please!" My boss asks me to translate, as he hired me for my knowledge of Russian. He says something, I translate in Russian, then the customer says, "Speak English please!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 264

You deserved it 2 067

Cough it up

By kaitlyn is here - 27/04/2021 05:01

Today, my parents took me out to eat. When the bill came, they stared at me for a while before asking, “Aren’t you gonna pay?” They've never made me pay before, there was no indication that I’d have to pay this time, and I’d left my wallet at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 227

15/11/2016 13:47

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 882

You deserved it 759

25/09/2018 03:00

Today, I was on my Wheel of Time fanfiction roleplay chatting seductively with my virtual lover while taking a break from doing some work, only to realize that I had accidentally sent the revenue report to my fellow fanfiction lover and used magic to undress my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 4 490

06/07/2010 05:14

Today, I finally got around to doing laundry. The washing machines in my condominium building take about an hour to do a load. When I returned to throw my clothes in a dryer, I realized they were never washed in the first place. I used my card and detergent to pay for another person's laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 957

You deserved it 32 045

Noise annoys

By Mystic - 04/09/2021 00:01

Today, it’s the fifth day in a row that my mom has vacuumed right outside my room, from 5 to 11 AM. Despite this, I still can’t fall asleep before midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 85

Exes from hell

By what the actual fuck?! - 02/08/2021 07:01

Today, my psychotic ex-boyfriend hit a brand new low. I was served court papers, saying that he’s suing me by demanding I give him a paternity test for my daughter. He’s also telling everyone he’s her real father. He and I were broken up for more than a year before I even got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 72

Special announcement

By tired - 15/08/2021 12:33

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I'd been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 352

You deserved it 3 660

01/02/2010 05:00

Today, I sliced my finger open because my roommate's girlfriend put a broken ceramic plate in the recycling. I was putting some paper in the bin and all of a sudden, an inch and a half of my flesh is naked to the world. I don't have medical insurance, so I fixed it with superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 644

You deserved it 9 363

02/11/2015 08:01

Spicy

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 535

You deserved it 3 519

17/08/2009 19:49

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 958

You deserved it 6 101

25/03/2015 05:42

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 200

You deserved it 5 129

30/05/2013 12:40

Today, the doorbell rang. I saw my incredibly overbearing mum's car outside, so I stayed quiet and tried to sneak upstairs. As I crawled through the hallway, commando style, I realised the door blinds were still out for cleaning. If scowls could kill, I'd be roasting in Hell right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 080

You deserved it 10 965

Fundies say the darndest things

By Anonymous - 08/03/2020 02:04

Today, I opened a lesson with the phrase, "As we all know, the world is over 4 billion years old." One of my students immediately snorted and said, in all seriousness, that I was wrong, and that the Earth is only 6000 years old. A few of his classmates agreed. I teach geology at university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 604

You deserved it 212

15/06/2016 21:49

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walks over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar and a note that says "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 852

You deserved it 1 462

28/06/2009 23:09

Today, I was testing for figure skating. I was wearing a brand new custom dress that was a halter top. On my first move, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Immediately after retaking the move, my dress snapped open, exposing myself to the judges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 289

You deserved it 5 590

26/09/2011 13:01

Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 369

You deserved it 3 028

11/11/2013 10:36

Today, I was mentioning to a coworker how there was a huge lull today in business. A young coworker then turns to me and says in a snooty tone, "I think you mean a 'lol', it's pronounced L-O-L." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 869

You deserved it 3 205

30/07/2013 06:42

Today, I bought a device that plays a high-pitched sound to teach my dog to quit barking. She's smart enough to learn that as long as she barks loud enough and long enough, she can't hear it. Quite the opposite effect to what I was anticipating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 615

You deserved it 6 746

14/10/2011 10:36

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 509

You deserved it 2 504

11/11/2015 08:51

Today, one of my friends thought it would be funny to tell my psycho clinger of an ex that I still like her. It had only been a few months since she finally stopped stalking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 881

You deserved it 1 643

22/12/2012 22:55

Spicy

Today, because my boyfriend drives a 2-seated sports car, I had to awkwardly sit on his brother's lap as we drove to the store. I soon felt a poking sensation through his pants, just a few minutes before we hit a bumpy road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 079

You deserved it 6 958

28/03/2013 07:53

Spicy

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 779

You deserved it 24 711

Take the hints

By Unwanted - 03/11/2015 19:10

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 555

You deserved it 4 592

27/05/2012 16:06

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 488

You deserved it 16 842

22/07/2015 03:02

Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 665

You deserved it 1 763

28/07/2009 22:55

Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 328

You deserved it 52 182

01/04/2012 14:03

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 364

You deserved it 34 397

12/03/2010 01:18

Today, I had a strong feeling that someone was watching me as I was undressing to get ready for bed. I conspicuously moved to the door and threw it open to find my step-brother clearly spying on me. We are the same age, live in the same house three weeks a month and in the same English class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 562

You deserved it 2 685

16/05/2009 20:05

Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents in almost a year I sorta expected them to come meet me/pick me up at the airport. Nope. What did I get instead? A text from my dad saying, "I hope you have a key." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 219

You deserved it 3 428

10/03/2017 08:00

Today, my son's obsession with memes hit a new low when he got suspended from school for running into other students yelling, "Allahu akbar." He's 15 and doesn't understand why he got in trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 454

You deserved it 856

14/02/2013 11:01

Today, I had to use a dictionary before I realized I was being flirted with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 968

You deserved it 12 251

03/07/2018 19:00

Today, I used the last of my money to buy a bag of vending machine chips for dinner. It got stuck. A passerby saw and generously offered to buy another bag of the same chips to dislodge it. Gratefully, I accepted his offer. It stayed stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 647

You deserved it 244

04/11/2013 19:17

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 674

You deserved it 11 779

He's still got it

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 00:01

Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 636

You deserved it 130

04/04/2009 14:45

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 972

You deserved it 191 629

16/03/2010 18:35

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend since I believed him to be cheating on me with another woman, something he adamantly denied. I went to his house to get all my stuff back. After I left, I discovered a silk thong that definitely did not belong to me, in amongst my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 395

You deserved it 4 646

19/06/2016 21:41

Today, a man sat next to me on a train carriage, despite various empty seats. During a weird conversation, I told him that I'm on my way back from London after seeing a friend from Germany there. He goes on to talk about Nazis and, with one arm in the air, asks me if he's doing the salute right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 275

You deserved it 946

26/11/2011 15:38

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend peeing in the cat's litter box. I'm the one who has to clean it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 918

You deserved it 3 867

11/07/2011 17:42

Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 342

You deserved it 3 091

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:58

There's only one thing you can do to the carpet now - Ribbit up.

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:39

he croaked?

Comments

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:39

.....how...does that even happen....

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:40

The FML actually explains that.

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:41

By being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:43

Wait oops my bad I'm not from the US, over here 'carpet' means the material that is permanently stuck on the floor and sealed

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:46

Well fuck the frog's life

mageepaigeee44 15

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Monday 30 June 2014 13:34

Maybe there was a spot where the carpet wasn't sealed all the way down. Or maybe it was a large rug and OP just calls it a carpet because it covered the whole floor.

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Monday 30 June 2014 16:54

I know, 8, poor guy just came over to check out OP's "pad" and got river stomped into tomorrow. I feel for Ms. Piggy's loss.

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Monday 30 June 2014 18:05

30- THAT is the FUNNIEST comment I have ever seen on this app. Props to you!

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:39

he croaked?

iLike2Teabag 27

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:53

He did, but maybe not by accident. Maybe the frog wanted to Kermit suicide.

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Monday 30 June 2014 16:46

That was the best pun on here so far.

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Monday 30 June 2014 17:11

I think that's the first pun I've genuinely laughed at

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:40

FATALITY!

illegalbeagle69 23

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Monday 30 June 2014 18:48

GET OVER HERE you lump in the carpet that keeps hopping away.

GentlemanBastard 15

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Monday 30 June 2014 18:55

OP Wins. Flawless victory.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Monday 30 June 2014 19:52

ANIMALITY!!!...

fuckyourlifeOP 25

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Monday 30 June 2014 22:29

44, is the three dots at the end of ALL your comments really necessary?

incoherentrmblr 21

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Tuesday 1 July 2014 20:38

Yes... Yes it is...

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:45

well that was a froggy situation

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Monday 30 June 2014 13:24

Please just don't.

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Monday 30 June 2014 16:48

Where's OP? We need to borrow that lethal foot.

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Monday 30 June 2014 22:26

LOL. #29, your comments are making my day. For some weird reason Usher's song "Yeah!" started playing in my head when I read this.

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:49

you'd wanna dry clean it..

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Monday 30 June 2014 12:58

There's only one thing you can do to the carpet now - Ribbit up.

ThatOneGuy719 16

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Monday 30 June 2014 13:04

Why was this thumbed down? It's actually a pretty good one

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Thursday 3 July 2014 13:24

ahhhhhhhh Hahahahaha YES

brandoneyez1 25

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Monday 30 June 2014 13:02

Look before you just stomp. Lesson learned.

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Monday 30 June 2014 14:19

How can you look at what you can't see?

brandoneyez1 25

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Monday 30 June 2014 14:27

If it was an area rug... How would a frog get under a carpet?

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 30 June 2014 15:59

Holes in the floor boards. If it's a slab house construction, sometimes things can get in from the edge.

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Monday 30 June 2014 13:02

looks like you FROGot to check before placing the carpet

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Monday 30 June 2014 13:12

I say that was a pain to clean up.Try look for where he got under so it doesnt happen again

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Tuesday 1 July 2014 3:43

If only that made sense.

justdiebitches 19

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Monday 30 June 2014 13:34

This made me sad. Poor frog :c

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Monday 30 June 2014 14:42

It's not ok for frogs to die but as your name states it's ok for bitches to die. Learned something new

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Monday 30 June 2014 18:20

Frogs and other cute wildlife are innocent creatures. Bitches, on the other hand...

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Monday 30 June 2014 18:24

Bit ironic you have a picture of a dog on your profile. I hope that's a male dog.

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Monday 30 June 2014 19:51

Bahaha I didn't even think of that. he's a boy. xD