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By AloneAgainNaturally - / Friday 9 September 2016 21:03 / United States - Charlottesville
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By  MessedUpLife00  |  13

Well, I'd talk to him, try to see what was going on. Don't be easy to trick either, ask him for the truth, if he gives it to you. I would leave that to your morality, we all make mistakes. But it depends on how we try and fix them, if he's dishonest, dump him. But, FYL

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By  patwo8  |  14

That sucks I'm sorry.

By  redcode5  |  17

Wow FYL OP, hopefully this one thing doesn't completely destroy your relationship with him.

By  MessedUpLife00  |  13

Well, I'd talk to him, try to see what was going on. Don't be easy to trick either, ask him for the truth, if he gives it to you. I would leave that to your morality, we all make mistakes. But it depends on how we try and fix them, if he's dishonest, dump him. But, FYL

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  MessedUpLife00  |  13

If you're in a relationship for 14 years with someone, you're kind of expecting to keep true. I know it's difficult sometimes. And we all get "urges" but having nudes of someone else on your phone is kind of bad while dating

By  SherbetGlitter  |  26

Sorry OP that seriously sucks! I agree, ask him about it and it's up to you whether or not to forgive him. Hopefully they're downloaded from the Internet for um, forever alone party materials. That's still not a great outcome but miles better than cheating. Either way, all the best OP!

By  CastaP  |  12

Being together 14 years is a long time and I fear he may have weakened along the way. Is the photos of a younger (compared to you two)woman? In any case, he has to make a choice wether to continue his fling/affair and lose you or fall to his knees and apologize in a way, you have to believe he wants to rebuild the trust he crushed. My opinion anyway ^^

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  RaggedClown  |  11

I have to wonder why the apparent age of the woman in the photos matters. If she actually is someone he's cheating with, and not just spank material he found online, it doesn't matter. Being the same age, or older, doesn't somehow make it more OK.

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He wasnt saying it was better if she was older or younger he was saying if she was younger the man is looking for someone younger. And that the writer of this has become to opd for the shallow "man" to do that.

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  crazy_bananas  |  31

Do you know grammar?

By  D0minik  |  9

Having nudes on your phone doesn't mean a thing. They could come from any groupapp with friends. The real FML is you not trusting your boyfriend en violating his trust and privacy by going through his phone. Who are you, the NSA?

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  D0minik  |  9

Look, I'm not saying the guy is not a douchebag if he has a girl on the side. That is a dick-move. But the op is vague and we're all jumping to conclusions and are judging him. It could be he took nudes of himself. It could be he's in some sportsteam and a team-mate sent them around.

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I'm pretty sure OP could tell if they were pics of her own boyfriend. While the pics could be just random porn type images from the internet, if they do turn out to be from someone he knows, that is a big deal. It's cheating, because there's an emotional connection to them, and, even though it's just pictures that we know of at this point, he is still having a physical relationship with someone who is not his girlfriend. You do not know if she secretly took and went through his phone. He could have given it to her without thinking about what was on it. What if they're the type of couple that aren't possessive with their phones and he hasn't started being cautious about that yet? He could have started acting weird, and the phone was just to get confirmation. Also, you know what I consider a worse violation of trust than going through someone's phone, cheating. I'm sorry, but if you're incredibly possessive and secretive with your phone to the point where your SO can't touch or use it sometimes, then I consider that suspicious. You're supposed to be partners, you're supposed to share your lives, confide in, and trust each other. So why do you need to keep secrets with your phone locked up like Fort Knox? Unless it's something important, or a secret you're keeping for someone else, like a friend, then I consider secrecy with your phone alarming.

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  Tripartita  |  44

"It could be he took nudes of himself." Seriously? Why would that be an FML? "Who IS this man, and why do you have nudes of him in your phone?!" "Uh, honey, that's quite obviously m—" "IS HE YOUR GAY LOVER?!" "Well, I have given him quite a few handjobs…"

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  klutzyduck1  |  24

I don't agree with the assertion that if the nudes are just random pictures from the Internet for masturbation, it's cheating. Porn is not my thing, but for many people, they use it in a heathy, non-cheating way (addiction is another issue completely). I can understand it may still upset OP, but it's unreasonable to demand a partner not ever use porn or masturbation (if that's the situation, we don't know if it is or isn't at this point). If he's receiving them from actual women, but not engaging in other activities, I wouldn't say it's "physical cheating". It's still disrespectful and betraying your partners trust and intimacy. I would agree you could call it emotionally cheating, which often hurts more. Regardless, it demands a discussion. In OP's case, it must be hard to give up 14 years with someone and I can't judge her position either way. Certain circumstances definitely would be easier to work though. I also disagree with the idea that just because you're in a relationship, your partner's phone should be up for grabs. Or they are not entitled to privacy or a lock code. I don't have the right to every one of anybody's thoughts or every aspect of their life. Trust is important on both people's parts. If someone is acting strange or really possessive of their phone, I could understand the urge to snoop. I probably wouldn't, because that's a hard thing to recover from if you're wrong. Don't get me wrong, cheating (if that's the case) is much worse. However, it doesn't make snooping automatically ok, especially not in every situation. A relationship does not grant you ownership or the right to every piece of your partners life. Obviously from both sides, there have been issues brewing for awhile. It's a hurtful situation all around. I hope the OP is able to recover, in whatever way is right for them.

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I didn't say if it was porn it was cheating. I said if it was someone he knows, it's cheating. "While they could just be random porn images from the internet, if the do turn out to be someone he knows, it's cheating."Porn isn't cheating, that would be ridiculous.

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  klutzyduck1  |  24

Then we are in agreement on that, I know some people do believe porn is cheating. You did say though that even if it were just photos of girls he knew, it'd be "physically cheating". Whereas, it would at best be "emotionally cheating", which can be as painful (more for some people). I specifically referenced both in my post. I feel bad for both in this relationship, 14 years is a long time to be committed to one another. From the OPs username, it's over and it has to be hard for all involved. Both sides have lost trust and participated in behaviors, which indicated there have been problems for a while. I'm trying to see both sides, it's hard with the limited characters, to be able to completely understand the full story. There are always three sides to every situation: yours, theirs and the truth and two are subjective.

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there is no emotional connection to nudes though??? not when its just nudes at least. they are typically for sexual purposes... so I'd consider it to be more of a physical type of cheating. even if it is just whacking off to naked photos of the other person, that's physical, not emotional. kinda like vicarious sex of sorts. though that may be a stretch. emotional would be nudes coupled with long text convos that indicate he cares deeply at the person.. which OP didn't mention any evidence of... so...

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  klutzyduck1  |  24

If he knows the girls, they sent it him...implying there is some sort of connection hence the emotional cheating. Like "just" flirting with someone online or via text. If he just had the pictures of these hypothetical known girls, without being sent them (unlikely, but if true creepy...how would he have obtained them), or without any other flirting or messages (also unlikely, because who sends nudes by themselves to someone without there being more, at least flirting), and then he just uses them to masturbate, I don't think that qualifies as physical cheating. Because if he just happens to have pictures of a known lady, without there being any other interaction, it's more like the porn scenario...so not cheating at all. However, that seems like the most unlikely scenario. But everyone relationship/person is different, so definitions or expectations are unique to each. If OP or you consider that cheating, well it's your relationship and how that person feels is the only thing that matters, not my application of semantics.

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I agree with the phone secrecy thing. Mind you, I don't just snoop for snooping sake, but when I need to look something up really quickly, I don't go hunt for my phone if my husband's is sitting right there. He keeps his phone on him 98.4% of the time so it's far easier for me to just ask him for his than to go search for whatever hole mine has fallen into somewhere. At the same time, if the roles are reversed, I don't think twice about handing him mine because we aren't sneaking around and hiding shit from each other. It's really not that hard to be a trustworthy person.

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  klutzyduck1  |  24

I agree. The whole point of trust, is when it's given, is to act trustworthy. If you're respecting you SO's privacy, it's with the thought they are deserving and not betraying that trust. It's a shame not everyone does that in relationships. I have a lock code, just because I am a very private person. However, I do not have anything on my phone that is a betrayal of trust or the love that is supposed to be there in a relationship. When I was a lot younger, I looked once. I wish I hadn't and have learned I need to act trustworthy as much as I want my partner to. You have a strong relationship with your partner, that's heartening to see. These FMLs often highlight the bad ones, it's good to see there are good ones out there too.

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