Today, I got home and realized that I didn't have my keys and... - FML

By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 17:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home and realized that I didn't have my keys and my mum had said she wasn't going to be home till the next morning. After a long wait I decided I'd have to break a window to get in. Almost immediately after closing the door I watched as my mum pulled up in the driveway. FML

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cheeraio92 tells us more :

this was my story. in response to some of your questions, i broke the window pane in a door. so i reached in and unlocked the door, letting myslef in. by the way, some of these comments are genious, i LOL'd

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

This is fine

TMI

By chelsea - 7/3/2011 22:23

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

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By redeye - 19/9/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be funny to put rubbing alcohol in my contact lens case while I had them soaking overnight. I didn't realize this until I put the first one in. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, I married the man of my dreams. At the after-party, my psycho grandma stood up, called for quiet, and engaged in a long rant about how this was "the beginning of the end" and advising everyone that the secret to a successful marriage is "cheating, plain and simple". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2012 02:12 - United States

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

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By Bito - 21/12/2008 07:00 - France

Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2015 04:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2017 04:00

Today, my boss held a meeting to talk about how we can't overlook others and no one should pick favorites. I walked out unemployed when I pointed out that she completely ignored the person who made the biggest sale in company history and constantly gave her son raises for mediocre work. FML

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By Yuni - 8/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Mom of the year

Today, I went to a restaurant that I always go to, and one of the cute waiters gave me a discount. My mother called me a whore in the middle of the restaurant, then slapped me when I cried. FML

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By jake - 7/2/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I forgot it was her birthday. We had only been dating for 2 weeks. I didn't even know when it was. FML

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By KelseNM - 14/8/2018 14:30

Today, I've been diagnosed with an incurable condition in both eyes that is making me go blind. I lost my job and had to drop out of my final year in college because of this. Then my ex found out and stole my car since I "won't need it". FML

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By DCarreon - 4/10/2012 07:13 - United States - Ceres

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2013 07:38 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML

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By megan228 - 20/3/2009 21:16 - United States

Today, my older brother and some of his cute friends came over. When we got inside my mom yells to me "I got you some bigger tampons because you leaked all over your new underwear." They all started laughing. FML

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By [email protected] - 6/12/2008 04:54 - France

Today, I decided to spend a night of love with my darling, so I arranged to meet him in a very classy hotel, gave him the room number and waited in a super-sexy outfit. There was a knock at the door, so I opened it enticingly, convinced it was him. It was room service. FML

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By ohboy - 6/3/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. 30 minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

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By isuckatparking. seriously. - 16/1/2019 02:00

Today, I was in a hurry to get to my exams. I’m a new driver so my parking was a little crooked but I didn’t have time to fix it. I was expecting to come back to a note on my car. I wasn’t expecting three of my tires to be slashed and the words “I Suck At Parking” to be keyed into my car. FML

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By wideawakeandinpain - 17/12/2011 11:09 - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

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By Unemployed - 21/9/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my grandma picked up the phone. It was a man asking to speak to me. Instead of giving me the phone she decides to hang up on him, thinking it was some guy trying to "get with me." It turned out to be the call I've been waiting all week for... a call from a huge company about a job offer. FML

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By in big trouble - 23/8/2014 12:28 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had an argument with my boss and tried to text a friend about it. I accidentally texted my boss instead. FML

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By OhWait - 23/10/2015 00:18 - United States - Schenectady

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

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By Fcuked - 23/3/2011 04:40 - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

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By not on life, that's for fucking sure - 25/10/2014 18:27 - United States

Today, I went to a big job interview. As I walked in, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Other highlights include my voice cracking multiple times, sweating profusely and getting uncontrollable nervous giggling. The interviewer eventually stared at me in disbelief and asked if I was high. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 20:00

Captive

Today, while eating dinner, my girlfriend looked at me, smiled and said, "I can't tell if this is love or Stockholm Syndrome, but either way I'm happy." I'm not sure what to make of that. FML

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By wowjuststop - 3/10/2009 01:01 - United States

Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML

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By ananomus - 22/8/2010 04:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2014 15:05 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

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By LittleLou - 16/10/2016 04:28 - United States

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend broke up with me. She immediately asked if it was because I didn't put out. I'm 15. FML

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By steph - 20/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I wanted to change out of my bikini for the ride home from the beach. There wasn't a bathroom near, so I went to change in front of a suburban, parked far away from all the people. I took off my suit, hear the car's horn honk, only to find that the car was completely packed with old men. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

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By 751920 - 3/2/2009 08:49 - Canada

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

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By LaurenLehmmman - 27/12/2010 22:22 - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

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By solitaire - 20/7/2013 08:14 - United States - Enumclaw

Today, I was playing solitaire when an achievement popped up on my phone. "You have just completed your 1000th game of solitaire!" Never felt so alone in my life. FML

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By Rabite - 13/9/2016 11:22 - Germany

Today, I was on a business trip with a co-worker. We had to wait for the train, so I decided to browse a store in the train station while he waited outside. I then got a message on my cell phone, from my co-worker saying, "You are somewhere on this train, right?" FML

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By cocacoola - 11/7/2011 14:24 - Iceland

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2015 03:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

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By Jayman223 - 10/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Reno

Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML

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By kipper - 22/7/2019 12:00

Today, I took my 8 year-old daughter to an airplane museum to show her the kinds of aircraft I’ve worked on during my 30+ year career. In the first 15 minutes, I had grease on my new shirt, bumped my head, spilled coffee and cut my hand. Sums up my career. Only 10 more years to go. FML

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By Trainer Calypso - 27/11/2014 20:38 - United States - Schofield

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

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By CA - 8/10/2015 14:46 - Norway

Today, an elderly gentleman customer decided to tell me that while I'm not attractive at all, he'd still bang me all the same. Then he gave me a pained smile, like he was struggling not to shit himself, and left. I'm starting to hate working retail. FML

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By DaisyMay - 4/4/2011 19:47 - United States

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

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Top comments

By 1965 | 0

#620107 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:22

So you broke a window, but closed the door? How does that make sense?

By Avenging_Angel | 0

#620201 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 4:25

Hey, let's break a window, instead of asking a friend or a neighbour if you can sleep over that night 

COMMENTS

By Pastor_Rich | 0

#620079 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 2:14

were u broken up at the situation

By erdene96 | 1

#620081 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 2:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

nazooer | 11

#620139 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:42

What......?

Reply

UGFTW | 0

#620259 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 5:30

Say whaaaaaatt now?!?!

By M13LO | 0

#620083 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 2:21

I bet you felt shattered

Reply

fattypie101 | 0

#966999 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 0:06

I bet your wierd

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#3382061 - Monday 3 October 2011 14:55

No...just no...

By CAPTAINMORGAN29 | 0

#620098 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

scateice | 0

#620108 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:22

SIXTH!

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#620663 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 17:26

insert number that no one gives a fuck about thats also hash marked below the text of my post
I
I
V

Reply

luvtheknot | 6

#1015887 - Wednesday 2 June 2010 0:17

#43

Reply

Snowstar | 0

#2326857 - Sunday 10 April 2011 21:39

learn to spell 'fourth.'

By 1965 | 0

#620107 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:22

So you broke a window, but closed the door? How does that make sense?

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#620142 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:43

That's what I'm wondering...

Reply

Lolzarz | 0

#620162 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:50

lol i was thinking that too, but maybe he unlocked the door for some reason and walked back in lol nvm stupid reason

Reply

jgardner12 | 0

#620177 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 4:02

Maybe he broke the window by the door and unlocked the door from the inside?

Reply

maverick21703 | 0

#620728 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 18:26

Maybe its like that old saying goes-- God never breaks a window without opening a door. :p

Reply

xxCFHxx | 0

#621160 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 23:46

Dude, I don't know. OP maybe had the doors like we have where there's the solid door with the flanking windows and turned the lock through the hole in the glass. And yeah, YDI. You always need a spare key, or the garage keypad things so shit like this doesn't happen.

Reply

Sniper3000 | 0

#978592 - Monday 12 April 2010 5:54

wat #5 said. i think this is fake

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#620109 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:23

lets just say u need a phone

By ladiesman14 | 0

#620119 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:30

aint that a bitch.

By medli96 | 0

#620135 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:40

LOL my friend did that too

By mysuckishlife | 0

#620140 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:42

f!

By atvarela | 0

#620192 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 4:15

hilltop high first!