Miscellaneous: Today, I got home and realized that I didn't have my keys and... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got home and realized that I didn't have my keys and my mum had said she wasn't going to be home till the next morning. After a long wait I decided I'd have to break a window to get in. Almost immediately after closing the door I watched as my mum pulled up in the driveway. FML

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cheeraio92 tells us more :

this was my story. in response to some of your questions, i broke the window pane in a door. so i reached in and unlocked the door, letting myslef in. by the way, some of these comments are genious, i LOL'd

And today, on Dr Phil…

No pain, no meds

Bird's eye view

By Roll Tide of Tears - United States

Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML

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By mavrick127 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

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By dayum - Mexico

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

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By LynnJ - Canada

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

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By frustrated - Australia

When clampers attack!

Today, despite being parked in my work's car park, my car got clamped. It cost me $150 to get the clamp removed and all I got was "bad luck" from my boss and the clamper. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

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By seriously though - United States - Littleton

Today, I arrived at the airport only to find my suitcase was lost and my 3 weeks worth of clothes and supplies gone. All I had left was my wallet and carry ons. Upon leaving the airport I was mugged. FML

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By crazyk2468 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML

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By Username - France

Today, at my cousin's baby shower, there was a discussion on what to name the baby. When the name Jacqueline was brought up, I made a face and exclaimed, "Ugh, I hate that name!" I was then informed that's the name of my cousin's mother-in-law. She definitely heard me. FML

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By Faceplant - United States - Port Orchard

Smooth move, teach.

Today, I monitored my students as they conducted a lab experiment. I was walking to the other side of the room while looking at a student who seemed about to ask a question. When she looked up at me, I walked into a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 19:08 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Covidiots

Today, I had to abandon my shopping after a Covidiot directly sneezed all over it. He took his mask off because he was about to sneeze. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, someone misread some details of my dating profile on an app and thought I was subtly indicating that I'm a prostitute. In fact, I'm a shy 33-year-old virgin who's never been kissed and has obviously been failing at using dating apps and websites for years. I guess now I know one thing I did wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

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By BrewPack - United States - Slinger

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

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By can't win - Australia

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 08:01

Put a tiger in your tank

Today, a stray cat climbed up into my car's engine for shelter at some point last night. Guess how I found out this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, it's my only day off work in a while. I told my boss I'd be available via phone in case of emergencies. So far I've been called three times: To ask how the fax works, to let me know it's a slow day, and to ask me where the letter R is on a keyboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 23:01 - Germany

Partaaaaaaaay !

Today, being unemployed and under lockdown, my idea of a party is driving to the dentist and turning the sound system up in my car. FML

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By foreveralone - United States

Today, it was the second anniversary of the day I met my girlfriend. I had to go to work, but I set an engagement ring and a letter on my pillow for when she woke up, and left breakfast for her on the counter. When I got home, she and all of her things were gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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By jester777 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

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By tlm84 - United States - Fitchburg

Today, while out shopping, I could hear what sounded like two grown men talking about me, and they were being pretty gross. I turned around to scold them and it turned out being a dad and his 13-year-old son. He said he was, "teaching a son to be a man, and that my ass was grounds for discussion." FML

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By mottephobe - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after days of cleaning out pantry cabinets and throwing away infested food, I thought I had finally gotten rid of my moth problem. Then I vacuumed, and saw several dozen larvae coming out of my carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montpelier

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

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By Justkillme

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Absecon

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

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By rockefoe - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

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By Acne_problems

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML

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By tempted to become single - United States - Atwater

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

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By call me humpty

Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother around the house shouting, "Get back here you pervert!" at the top of his lungs. I have a concussion and a vertebrae fracture because my dad is a religious nutjob and he caught my 22-year-old brother having premarital sex. FML

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By -__- - Greece - Athens

Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML

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By unlucky_vee_13 - United States

Today, I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. FML

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By pummy - United States

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

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By notmyfault - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

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By catcraze - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

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By SnapeIsGood - Germany - Kornwestheim

Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML

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By sugarbeet - United States

Sounds nice

Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

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Top comments

By 1965 | 0

#620107 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:22

So you broke a window, but closed the door? How does that make sense?

By Avenging_Angel | 0

#620201 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 4:25

Hey, let's break a window, instead of asking a friend or a neighbour if you can sleep over that night 

COMMENTS

By Pastor_Rich | 0

#620079 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 2:14

were u broken up at the situation

By erdene96 | 1

#620081 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 2:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

nazooer | 11

#620139 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:42

What......?

Reply

UGFTW | 0

#620259 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 5:30

Say whaaaaaatt now?!?!

By M13LO | 0

#620083 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 2:21

I bet you felt shattered

Reply

fattypie101 | 0

#966999 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 0:06

I bet your wierd

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#3382061 - Monday 3 October 2011 14:55

No...just no...

By CAPTAINMORGAN29 | 0

#620098 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

scateice | 0

#620108 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:22

SIXTH!

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#620663 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 17:26

insert number that no one gives a fuck about thats also hash marked below the text of my post
I
I
V

Reply

luvtheknot | 6

#1015887 - Wednesday 2 June 2010 0:17

#43

Reply

Snowstar | 0

#2326857 - Sunday 10 April 2011 21:39

learn to spell 'fourth.'

By 1965 | 0

#620107 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:22

So you broke a window, but closed the door? How does that make sense?

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#620142 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:43

That's what I'm wondering...

Reply

Lolzarz | 0

#620162 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:50

lol i was thinking that too, but maybe he unlocked the door for some reason and walked back in lol nvm stupid reason

Reply

jgardner12 | 0

#620177 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 4:02

Maybe he broke the window by the door and unlocked the door from the inside?

Reply

maverick21703 | 0

#620728 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 18:26

Maybe its like that old saying goes-- God never breaks a window without opening a door. :p

Reply

xxCFHxx | 0

#621160 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 23:46

Dude, I don't know. OP maybe had the doors like we have where there's the solid door with the flanking windows and turned the lock through the hole in the glass. And yeah, YDI. You always need a spare key, or the garage keypad things so shit like this doesn't happen.

Reply

Sniper3000 | 0

#978592 - Monday 12 April 2010 5:54

wat #5 said. i think this is fake

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#620109 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:23

lets just say u need a phone

By ladiesman14 | 0

#620119 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:30

aint that a bitch.

By medli96 | 0

#620135 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:40

LOL my friend did that too

By mysuckishlife | 0

#620140 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 3:42

f!

By atvarela | 0

#620192 - Wednesday 14 October 2009 4:15

hilltop high first!