Animals: Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate... - FML

By zac545 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

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Instadrama

The end of the road

My body, my choice

By automotive glass tech - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while I was working replacing a windshield, some jerk off hit my truck. A truck carrying 2 grand in glass. Including the windshield I was about to install. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry man, I had to text my girlfriend." FML

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By Brummsta - Australia

Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was handling corrosive chemicals when I accidentally spilled a beaker of Hydrochloric Acid on myself. I had to strip naked and use the emergency shower with my boss and my hot coworker watching. The worst part was when I realized my coworker was laughing at the size of my penis. FML

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By someonepleasehelpme - United States - Centreville

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

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By tmi4me - United States

Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

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By Kreen - China

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

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By InsertPopcicle - United States

Today, I forgot I left my tampons in a grocery bag packed with food that I put into the fridge. I realized two hours later while frantically looking for a tampon. I'm still cold down there. FML

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By - France

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

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By dumbassbuffet - Canada

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

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By siighh - Australia

Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 20 year old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

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By jessica071509 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

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By minimoonpie - Australia

Today, I was serving an incredibly rude woman at work. The ladder I had used to get her two pairs of shoes came crashing down, and hit my face and neck. She only bought one pair, and ten minutes later returned them after complaining they were too expensive. FML

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By mylifeissad - United States

Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML

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By underachiever - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

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By Demotivation - Germany

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

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By SleepyMommy - United States - Pomona

Today, my husband was going to let me sleep in for Mother's Day. That would have been great, if my brother didn't call me at 5:30 in the morning to say Happy Mother's Day. Now I'm up like any other day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

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By notgay - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

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By Stressmess - United States

Today, at 4am, I remembered that I had not studied for my Spanish exam. I panicked, jumped out of bed, and frantically began searching for my notebook. It wasn't until I destroyed my desk and woke up my roommate that I realized that I'm not enrolled in Spanish this semester. It was a nightmare. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got drunk and hooked up with some random chick. Later, I found out she's Facebook friends with my girlfriend. They used to be best friends when the girl was a senior. Small world. FML

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By Anonymous

Some people are so... creative.

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. She'd told me she was on birth control, so I asked her to show me. She had been sticking the pills up her vagina like a suppository. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got turned down from a job I really wanted. Six hours later, the guy called me again and delivered the same news, not realizing he had already called this morning. Thanks for rubbing it in. FML

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By idiots - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I had to explain to a customer that 50% off a $50 item did not make the item free. FML

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By crap - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was walking a dog at the animal hospital where I work when it pooped out a rag-like object. I told the doctor, who told me to clean it off to see what it was. It was a rainbow-colored thong. We have to give it back to the owner when they pick their dog up. FML

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By HairyBoobs - United States

Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML

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By Lonely School Kid - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

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By anonymousyo - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

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By GeorgiaBOYY - United States

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working out in the gym, I spotted a very attractive girl. I decided to pick up the heaviest dumbbell to show off how much I could curl. She ended up driving me to the hospital because I burst into tears after tearing up my bicep and deltoid. FML

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By turriblebday - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML

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By unwilling redneck - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

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By really - Canada - Ottawa

Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggest that she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill myself because of my severe medical condition". FML

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By Champion the wonder horse - United States

Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

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Top comments

By mikeyellenlee | 0

#4284 - Friday 20 February 2009 5:33

At least the hamster didn't eat your dog.

By alwaysalady | 0

#3987 - Thursday 19 February 2009 18:40

Did you catch it in the act? trauma....

COMMENTS

By imthedude | 0

#3896 - Thursday 19 February 2009 10:26

hahaha, thats hilarious

By cybergirl_fml | 0

#3906 - Thursday 19 February 2009 12:00

Lmao, that's hilarious! And creepy at the same time o_O

By elguapo_fml | 0

#3928 - Thursday 19 February 2009 14:12

HAHAHAHA! man, that's hilarious...

By xillentz | 0

#3945 - Thursday 19 February 2009 16:47

AAHAAHAHAHA you crack me up. im here in the library aaand aaahahahahah. buy a new one. and paint it if you ahve to. AAHAHAH

By alwaysalady | 0

#3987 - Thursday 19 February 2009 18:40

Did you catch it in the act? trauma....

By JustAGirl_fml | 0

#4027 - Thursday 19 February 2009 20:36

Don't try to pass another one off as that one, the markings aren't always the same and hamsters can behave veeeeeery differently. I've had many throughout my life and some just don't like being handled, so the odds of getting one just like the one your dog ate are not good.

By Jshizzle | 0

#4028 - Thursday 19 February 2009 20:37

Just get him a new one that looks like the old one (as close as you can get), and don't say anything unless your friend asks about it.

By kmoney | 0

#4029 - Thursday 19 February 2009 20:43

hahaha did you see it happen?

By slyvanilla_creme | 0

#4194 - Friday 20 February 2009 2:13

i was laughing so hard...but i do feel bad. if it were me, i'd just try to get another one and if they could tell by the way the hamster acted that it wasn't the same, i'd then fess up...

By mikeyellenlee | 0

#4284 - Friday 20 February 2009 5:33

At least the hamster didn't eat your dog.