Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate... - FML

By zac545 - 19/2/2009 06:14 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

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Instadrama

In my day…

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Ro - 5/10/2010 02:39 - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

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By needanewride - 16/11/2012 02:40 - United States - Newton Center

Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail when an old man started rubbing his crotch across my hand. I moved my hand but he moved too and kept doing it. When I moved my hand higher, he started licking it. I had to wait ten minutes for the next stop. FML

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By Funless - 18/8/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 00:23 - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I was thinking about how people say if you're gradually introduced to a smell or you're forced to deal with enough, you'll stop noticing it. And how untrue that is. Especially when your roommates sneak a dead rabbit under your bed. FML

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By MineAlwaysTouching - 27/4/2017 18:00

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 00:01

He's probably right

Today, I found out that my boyfriend thinks brushing his teeth is unnecessary, because, "the world is going to end because of climate change anyway." FML

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By Robyn - 4/10/2011 09:35 - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

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By applegreen - 16/2/2017 15:00 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, while getting a breast exam for some suspicious lumps, I was lying on the table with my boobs exposed and I learned my doctor is afraid of wasps. I had to chase the wasp out whilst topless. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2019 06:33

Today, I began writing thank-you cards for the gifts I got for my 21st birthday. To one set of grandparents, I wrote, "Thank you for the dancing chicken toy," and to the others I wrote, "Thank you for the $10 check." Those were the only gifts. FML

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By gross - 20/10/2010 16:14 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 07:08 - United States

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up, except my fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 00:00 - Canada

Not how it works...

Today, my classmate told me she can copy an article from the internet and hand that in, as long as she cites it at the end. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2017 14:06

Today, in physics class, my teacher was messing around with an air cannon and I accidentally blurted out, "Blow me!" It took me all of 5 seconds to realize why everyone was laughing. FML

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By Shutup! - 31/10/2014 10:42 - United Kingdom - London

Today, the fire alarm keeps going off at my apartment. Not only is the noise ear-piercingly loud enough to wake the entire neighbourhood, there's also a big flashing red light in case the deafening sound isn't enough. This is my day off. It's going on all day. FML

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By With_Love929 - 29/10/2012 21:45 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

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By flipflap - 14/6/2015 06:35

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2012 04:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles and out of my window. FML

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By Sam - 26/11/2012 04:39 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that the woman from My Strange Addiction who can't stop picking her scabs is married. I've been single for two years and I don't even pick my nose. FML

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By JesusLaidAnEgg - 10/9/2019 14:02

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 05:25 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML

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By anon - 31/3/2014 22:10 - United States - Chappaqua

Today, my dad got me one of those word locks for my gym locker, for which the password had to be a four-letter word instead of numbers. My dad chose the combo for me. It was "diet". FML

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By Anon - 30/4/2014 02:07 - United States - Maidens

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 20:00

Cute nickname

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 16:45 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 19:02 - Canada - Gander

Today, I helped an elderly woman push her grocery cart around the store, and look for her vehicle after she'd paid. After we spent ages wandering around trying to find her car, she remembered that she'd taken the bus today. FML

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By scars - 16/12/2014 15:01 - United States - Edwardsville

Today, my parents decided to "discipline" my kitten by spraying her with water. This somehow managed to completely un-train her, and now she's back to being the compulsive biter she was when I first brought her home. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 01:15 - Canada

Today, I saw some friends' cars at a friend's house, but thought nothing about it. Then I found pictures on Facebook of the pool party they had as a going away party for my friend who is leaving the country for three months. I had no idea my friend was leaving and I was the only one not invited. FML

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By moneyman22 - 1/3/2010 19:09 - United States

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

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By danrocketman - 5/10/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, I got a job in my university library. My job title is technical services. My actual job is pulling off the book label for the scanner and putting a new one on. For six hours a day. FML

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By billjoebob424 - 10/3/2016 00:01 - Canada

Today, I've been so accustomed to kissing my girlfriend that when I gave my best bud a hug, I kissed him on the neck. FML

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By immy504 - 30/11/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, at my job as a waitress, I fell, landed on my ass, managing not to spill the drinks or drop the food in my hands. A little boy yelled "NINJA WAITRESS!" Every one at work has been calling me that all day, and purposely been trying to trip me to see if I could do it again. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2015 14:57 - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

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By lisacasabonita - 12/11/2010 16:31 - United States

Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, 'I wish you liked anal.' FML

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By fuck fof and die dad - 20/11/2014 19:48 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 02:12 - Canada

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Roxboro

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

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By LoveStruck- - 10/2/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

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By sexybelly - 26/3/2015 08:35 - Australia - Parramatta

Today, I was asked when my baby is due. My baby was due 6 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2015 13:39 - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my dad stood by and nodded in agreement as my sister told me that my clinical depression is "getting REALLY old." FML

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Top comments

By mikeyellenlee | 0

#4284 - Friday 20 February 2009 5:33

At least the hamster didn't eat your dog.

By alwaysalady | 0

#3987 - Thursday 19 February 2009 18:40

Did you catch it in the act? trauma....

COMMENTS

By imthedude | 0

#3896 - Thursday 19 February 2009 10:26

hahaha, thats hilarious

By cybergirl_fml | 0

#3906 - Thursday 19 February 2009 12:00

Lmao, that's hilarious! And creepy at the same time o_O

By elguapo_fml | 0

#3928 - Thursday 19 February 2009 14:12

HAHAHAHA! man, that's hilarious...

By xillentz | 0

#3945 - Thursday 19 February 2009 16:47

AAHAAHAHAHA you crack me up. im here in the library aaand aaahahahahah. buy a new one. and paint it if you ahve to. AAHAHAH

By alwaysalady | 0

#3987 - Thursday 19 February 2009 18:40

Did you catch it in the act? trauma....

By JustAGirl_fml | 0

#4027 - Thursday 19 February 2009 20:36

Don't try to pass another one off as that one, the markings aren't always the same and hamsters can behave veeeeeery differently. I've had many throughout my life and some just don't like being handled, so the odds of getting one just like the one your dog ate are not good.

By Jshizzle | 0

#4028 - Thursday 19 February 2009 20:37

Just get him a new one that looks like the old one (as close as you can get), and don't say anything unless your friend asks about it.

By kmoney | 0

#4029 - Thursday 19 February 2009 20:43

hahaha did you see it happen?

By slyvanilla_creme | 0

#4194 - Friday 20 February 2009 2:13

i was laughing so hard...but i do feel bad. if it were me, i'd just try to get another one and if they could tell by the way the hamster acted that it wasn't the same, i'd then fess up...

By mikeyellenlee | 0

#4284 - Friday 20 February 2009 5:33

At least the hamster didn't eat your dog.