Love: Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been... - FML

By crap - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Late term

By shiznit - United States

Technique

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Amersham

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months moved in to my apartment. I had never been to his place because his roommate was a drug addict, so it came as quite a surprise when he brought three taxidermied cats with him, insisting that I let him mount them in the living room. FML

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By OhNo - United States - Castlewood

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

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By SomeGuyInNY - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, I volunteered to tend bar at a friend's charity event. I was called incompetent and had a drink thrown at me for stirring a martini instead of shaking "like they do in James Bond". I've been tending bar for 30 years and have never had a drink thrown at me before. FML

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By Dashofweak - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

OCD

Today, I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend. I put on cute undies and a corset because they made the most of my assets. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "The colours don't match." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took this gorgeous girl from work to eat at Olive Garden. I was trying to be romantic and had the waiter bring two glasses of wine. I guess she doesn't really drink wine, she covered her fettucini Alfredo in vomit. After dinner, she thanked me with a french kiss. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 16:57

Friend request

Today, I saw a man begging for change downtown. I offered to buy him a meal, just to help him out with food. He said, "Sure, does Friday work?" I told him that I didn't mean it like that. Three hours later, he found me on Facebook. FML

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By say what?! - 10/4/2020 08:00

Missed opportunities

Today, I got a text from a female friend saying, "So bored, come over, let's fuck.” Knowing her sense of humor, I laughed it off and sarcastically replied, "On my way!” About an hour later, I got a message from her husband asking what was taking me so long. They really wanted a threesome. FML

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By Carrie - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy I met online. After 30 minutes, he abruptly stands up and says he has to leave. He practically ran out of Starbucks to get away from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an allergic reaction to Nair. It was so bad I had to have my girlfriend take me to the hospital at 2am. Where was the allergic reaction? On my nuts. FML

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By FuglyBetty - Norway - Arendal

Today, while doing the grocery shopping with my boyfriend we came across another woman also out shopping, who looked shockingly like me despite her being another race, hair color and the like. The second he saw her, he blurted out, ''Oh, it's a pretty version of you!'' FML

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By BornToBeABurden - United Kingdom - London

Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer I was looking for was "after I eat" or maybe even "when I'm tired". What I got was "every second since you were born". FML

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By NoHappyEndings - United States - Dundalk

Hello ?

Today, it's been four weeks since I got a job offer after months of grueling interviews. I turned down other offers to accept the job, but I'm still unemployed because no one at the company will take my calls about my official start date. I've been ghosted by a corporate office. FML

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By Notthemaid - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML

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By Loserman67

Today, I spent several hours in freezing drizzle sampling and testing diesel fuel from an above ground, 10,000 gallon tank. Soaked to the bone and shivering like mad, I gave the manager the results. He said thank you and then told me I was at the wrong location. FML

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He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

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By preggers - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML

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By Octobre - United States

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

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By EmbarrassedWife

Today, I texted my husband saying, “No sex tonight, it’s a bloodbath” and realized it was in a group chat with his parents, not directly to him like I'd intended. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML

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By lonesome - Canada

Today, my whole family made an hour-long drive to a restaurant that's just a few minutes away from my place. I wasn't invited. FML

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By sXeQueen - United States

Hush

Today, my boyfriend was having a really bad day, so I decided to call him and try to calm him down. At one point, I thought it would be sweet to sing him a song since he claimed to love my voice. Before I could get half way through, he told me to shut up because I was getting on his nerves and just making things worse. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

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By regiftee - United States

Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while". It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML

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By UniverseHatesMe - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, my neighbor kindly set off a bed bug fogger rather than getting an exterminator, which we'd even offered to help him pay for. We have baseboard heating in our condo building. Guess where the parasites crawled to now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Paignton

Asshat

Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

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By LadyLou - Australia

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML

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By lifesucks4me - United States

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

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By larouche362 - United States - Weare

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I wouldn't make my senior quote, "I love my girlfriend more than anything." FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, I hired somebody to send me love letters. I'm that lonely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. FML

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By fannyfitel123 - United States

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

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By Swivel - Singapore

Today, after a spate of bad ones, I was in another job interview trying my hardest to give a good impression. After answering a few questions, I realized to my horror that while I was talking I was swiveling my chair from left to right like a nervous child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband's daughter told us that she's 5 months pregnant. I'm going to be a step grandmother and I'm only 23 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, while in a hospital waiting room, a man started talking to me. After a few minutes, he asked me what I did for a living, and I said I'm a stay-at-home mom. He looked me up and down and said, "Huh. No life ambitions, huh?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I came home from a long shift at work to find that my roommate had completely rearranged all of the furniture. Apparently the new arrangement is supposed to improve the feng shui of our apartment. My bed is in the living room. FML

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Top comments

By izzi_fml | 0

#19654 - Saturday 7 March 2009 12:53

wat if she said that
because she liked u too?
like she would have to find a new best friend because u guys will be lovers...

By ddavis3506 | 0

#19630 - Saturday 7 March 2009 12:25

Sounds like my life man. I actually told my current closest female friend like 2 weeks ago. It hasn't gone well.

COMMENTS

By ManUmaniac | 0

#19628 - Saturday 7 March 2009 12:23

Oh...
feel sorry bro...
Keep tryin'

Reply

rickybobby12343 | 0

#2912229 - Sunday 17 July 2011 7:31

it's not a bro it's a sis

Reply

jcasebier | 5

#3260847 - Friday 9 September 2011 6:06

Dipshit.

Reply

danceforever51 | 4

#3926311 - Sunday 22 January 2012 23:48

That's awkward

Reply

banemask | 14

#5629877 - Friday 16 August 2013 7:53

Pay attention

Reply

BMBBball31 | 15

#6408196 - Saturday 12 September 2015 0:29

How do you know?

By ddavis3506 | 0

#19630 - Saturday 7 March 2009 12:25

Sounds like my life man. I actually told my current closest female friend like 2 weeks ago. It hasn't gone well.

Reply

Blood_Rose_Intox | 3

#3256053 - Thursday 8 September 2011 6:49

OP isn't a man.

By coffeentea | 0

#19634 - Saturday 7 March 2009 12:28

Oh, ouch. At least you got some closure.

Reply

tacojauns | 45

#5094828 - Monday 29 October 2012 20:35

because she is getting a GF and needs a best friend duh

By Rollercoaster_fml | 0

#19648 - Saturday 7 March 2009 12:46

Go find another girl... you can't expect her to change her mind...

By Mattyknows | 0

#19651 - Saturday 7 March 2009 12:48

You should have learnt . . .

Friendzones are no-gos!

Still; FYL. Better luck next time.

By izzi_fml | 0

#19654 - Saturday 7 March 2009 12:53

wat if she said that
because she liked u too?
like she would have to find a new best friend because u guys will be lovers...

Reply

dantheman57 | 3

#3663400 - Wednesday 30 November 2011 13:15

That's what I thought

By JackBox_fml | 0

#19655 - Saturday 7 March 2009 12:53

Seen as you clearly said, i'm joking, are you sure she wasn't joking around as well. You know a witty sarcastic response? Surely adding i'm joking opens up the door for jokes like that to be returned.

By christinaaa_fml | 0

#19667 - Saturday 7 March 2009 13:38

that sucks

i had a similar issue with my best guy friend...we don't talk anymore :l and i've known him since pre-K
:(
FYL and FML

Reply

agentx52 | 13

#2793397 - Thursday 30 June 2011 21:16

The OP is female.

Reply

aneonmoose | 11

#5965872 - Thursday 5 June 2014 12:28

#98 what the hell has that got to do with anything?

By Tenantry | 0

#19679 - Saturday 7 March 2009 14:08

awwww.

By danny_ | 0

#19694 - Saturday 7 March 2009 14:42

Yep did that same thing last week to my closest friend we have known each other for 6.5 years.. now we are not friends from last week..