When I Try to Look Good on Camera

Today, an attractive guy came up to me and told me that I looked sexy in a picture online. He then asked himself why he had never asked me out before. Apparently, he doesn't remember our 6-month relationship, or how it ended when he slept with my sister. FML

DINOSAURS!!

Insane parents

Vultures

By mcds2 - 18/3/2013 08:28 - United States

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Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

By Waitingtomoveout - 12/1/2017 17:09

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Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

By Fartnonymous - 18/8/2015 10:59 - Qatar - Doha

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Today, I woke up after taking a sleep pill for the first time. I started in on a number of chores including paying bills when I noticed a new charge on my online credit card bill from 1am. I bought $120 worth of meat from an infomercial. It's non-refundable. I'm vegetarian. FML

By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 12:53 - United States

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Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - 24/9/2014 17:17 - Germany - Dachau

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Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2011 13:17 - United States

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Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 04:24 - United States

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Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML

By Babs - 2/1/2014 13:17 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

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Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

By Anonymous - 7/11/2014 08:03 - Australia

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Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because I look like his favorite hentai character. FML

By titmeister - 28/6/2016 16:30 - United States - Bayonne

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Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I beat her. FML

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 22:50 - France

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Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

By sad_dad - 24/10/2009 17:35 - Canada

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Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

By Anonymous - 11/3/2018 01:30

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Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

By IrNatalie - 2/6/2015 08:59 - United States - Laveen

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Today, I was sitting at a lunch table with some of my coworkers when one of them decided to put out his cigarette on the table and missed. I now have a nice burn mark on my hand. Did he say sorry? No. "Your hand shouldn't have been there." FML

By Anonymous - 6/5/2017 04:00

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Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 20:08 - United States - Clarksville

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Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

By NYCguy - 20/1/2010 03:59 - United States

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Today, my coworker told me she knew about my secret boyfriend because she has a "sixth sense" about these things. I'm too embarrassed to tell her I'm desperately single and the last date I went on was three years ago. FML

By single and not mingling - 4/6/2010 17:36 - Canada

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Today, I found out that my classmates hate me so much that they have a seating arrangement where people have to sit next to me on a rotating basis. A fight broke out yesterday because someone tried to skip their turn. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2013 20:21 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

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Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

By Noname - 22/2/2009 01:19 - United States

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Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

By Anonymous - 20/2/2013 07:31 - United States

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Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

By airport - 10/5/2009 18:49 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

By Fluory - 7/12/2009 14:43 - United States

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Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

By buggedout - 25/11/2009 08:24 - United States

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Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

By adrenochrome - 9/2/2009 09:21 - Lithuania

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Today, my boss brought his cat to the office. Despite our no pet policy, I still managed to get the blame when the crazy animal scratched 3 colleagues and peed on the floor after my boss left for bathroom. Apparently I was supposed to be "looking after it". FML

By anonymous - 6/2/2015 05:16 - Australia - Mitcham

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Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

By sad - 30/3/2012 22:21 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

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Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML

By Username - 28/6/2011 20:40 - United States

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Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML

By Tireddddddd - 31/7/2011 05:45 - United States

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Today, my dad yelled for me. It was an emergency. I ran down the stairs, tripped, fell, and limped over to my dad only to find that he wanted me to see a video of someone playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on the ukulele. FML

By camille - 29/10/2011 13:40 - United States

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Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it to the window to let it out. When I opened the window to set him free, my $300 air conditioner fell two stories and smashed on the sidewalk. The moth flew away. FML

By oops - 4/12/2009 17:23 - United States

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Today, a guy took me out on a date. His imaginary friends joined us. FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 04:14 - United States

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Today, as my dad and I were leaving a store, a man asked us if we could donate to an Alzheimer's fund. My dad hates being asked for money, and so he immediately hunched over and acted like a dirty, senile old man all the way to the car. FML

By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 22:38 - United States

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Today, I found a cellphone. I went through the contacts and called the one listed as 'dad' to inform them I could leave it at a cash register of the store I found it in or take it to the police station so they could pick it up. They then called the police, insisting I stole it. FML

By Littlebigben - 19/7/2017 05:00

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Today, I saw a customer wandering around, looking confused. I went over and kindly asked if I could help him find anything. He said no, but that he'd help me find the teeth he'd knock out of my mouth if I didn't get lost. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2014 15:14 - United States - Portland

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Today, I was feeling a little racy and decided to send my boyfriend some naked pictures of myself. He responded, "That's OK, but does your face have to be in them?" FML

By denise - 23/11/2009 05:07 - United States

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Today, I worked up the courage to sing at an open mic night. I lost my cool halfway through because all I could hear was laughter. FML

By Sarri - 18/2/2014 02:13 - United States - Pembroke

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Today, I just got a new assignment for the moving company I work for. Two weeks ago my fiancé dumped me and I moved out of the house. Almost all of the furniture was mine and it took forever. The new moving assignment I have is moving her new boyfriend into my old house. FML

By dantheman - 24/7/2009 14:56 - United States

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Today, I got to spend the entire day shopping for lingerie with the man of my dreams. He bought everything I'd ever wanted and more! Too bad it was for another woman. FML

By SoMuchForThatIdea - 12/6/2017 00:00

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Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 07:48 - Australia

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