Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got...

By yegworstdrivers - 20/12/2018 10:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

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Age ain't nothing but a number

Double standards

Honesty is the best policy

By Username - 13/12/2010 18:10 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk saying "shut the f*ck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

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By Hatty - 14/3/2010 10:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2013 19:28 - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I got into an argument, and she told me to go to my room. I refused, prompting her to slap the shit out of me. I'm 29, and she was visiting me at my own house. FML

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By gonads - 23/8/2017 16:00

Banana-nana fo-fo-nads

Today, I was playing baseball. My full name is Nadeene, my nickname is Dee, but people have started calling me Nads. Someone yelled out "Go Nads" as I went up to bat. Guess what my new nickname is? FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 10:07 - Australia

Today, at work the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

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By Username - 24/6/2011 22:11 - United States

Today, I found out that when my room-mate agreed to babysit someone's two year old kid for money, what he really planned on doing was dumping it with me. The kid won't stop crying and screaming. FML

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By Jason - 22/11/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I was finally able to hang out with a girl I really liked at a party. We had a great time and spent hours together. When I leaned in for a kiss at the end of the night, she stopped me and said that "you're a great guy, but we can't go out because you'll be bad for my social reputation." FML

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By Mandy - 22/12/2014 21:36 - United States - Tampa

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

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By BurnedByAWaiter - 24/5/2011 13:59

Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that "it's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

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By Tucker - 8/2/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML

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By legallyblondemad - 29/8/2009 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the park with my new boyfriend. We were sitting between some trees, when some of his mates turned up at the park. He pushed me behind a tree so his mates wouldn't see and went to join them in a game of football. He pretended not to know me. FML

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By anonymous - 5/9/2012 04:44 - Australia

Today, an unknown number left me a lengthy voicemail of what sounds like two people having sex. This is the closest I've gotten to real-life sex in 2 years. I listened to it three times. FML

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By AnonymousAmber - 31/10/2014 23:10 - United States - Yadkinville

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

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By anon - 28/7/2015 05:02 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my step-sister told me that she was getting married to her girlfriend next summer. At a big family brunch, I made a toast to their marriage. I didn't know that my step-mom didn't know they were dating in the first place, or that she was severely homophobic. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2011 09:47 - United States

Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML

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By barri - 16/12/2009 07:28 - Costa Rica

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

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By HaleyIsabelle - 8/3/2010 20:54 - France

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

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By verrine - 19/6/2009 08:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was mugged on my way to the bus stop. With no money or mobile I started to panic about the exam I had and ran the 3.5 miles to get to there. When I staggered up to the building only 20mins after the exam started, the university staff wouldn't let me sit it as I couldn't prove my identity. FML

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By Buggy - 12/12/2017 18:30 - United States - Atmore

Today, my brother robbed someone. The victim spoke with me and said that if his $1500 was paid back, he wouldn’t press charges. After I gave him the money, I questioned my brother until he admitted doing it. He only took $200. FML

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By Radio GaGa - 27/10/2014 16:25 - Canada

Today, I watched my co-worker throw the mother of all temper tantrums. He's a radio personality, and just learned that he's not famous enough to use the "Don't you know who I am?" line to get out of a traffic ticket. FML

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By adc2502 - 2/2/2018 11:00

That was short-lived.

Today, after getting my first debit card, I spent £60 on porn online. My mum made me print off a statement at the ATM as she wanted to know where my money had gone. She saw everything and cut up my card. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 17:00

Caught red-handed

Today, my husband walked in on me while I was masturbating and watching porn (yes women do it too). Now he thinks I’m unsatisfied with him or our sex life. All I wanted was a quick release. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2012 14:54 - United States - Erie

Today, my family was celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. I pulled a little prank and got candles that keep relighting. After a few blows, my grandma fainted. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 01:43 - United States

Today, my husband was looking at a bariatric surgery website and asked him what he was reading. He said, "Oh, your anniversary gift. Surprise!" He wasn't kidding. He got mad when I politely declined his gift, then angrily said "You know, it really hurts when you don't like the things I get you." FML

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By nevasurprised - 10/1/2012 14:50 - Germany

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 12:53 - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 00:01

Mr Commitment

Today, I asked the person I love to commit to me. Instead, he packed his shit and moved out. FML

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By Mike - 17/12/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

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By Iamthatgirl - 27/8/2014 04:56 - United States - Ada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about the lack of communication in our relationship. I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care about me at all. If he did, he would listen more. His response? "I know your name, don't I?" FML

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By R - 28/10/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, at work we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

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By LilaTheGreat - 5/5/2013 23:51 - United States - Boyd

Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML

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By Huedadaa - 19/10/2013 00:05 - France - Cauffry

Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML

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By apparantlyStupid - 27/6/2012 23:28 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML

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By Confusedblonde - 30/4/2015 03:31 - United States - Canton

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

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By Embarrassed - 12/12/2011 13:45 - Germany

Today, while having dinner with my boyfriend's family, his mom told me that it looks like I've gained quite some weight. When my boyfriend told her that this was a rude thing to say, she said it wasn't rude, just the truth. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy i've liked for a really long time, because of how nice and sentimental he is. We were sending each other things like "You make me smile" and "You're so damn cute" when finally he said "Let's just stop texting and hook up already." So much for sentimental. FML

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By CPN - 14/3/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML

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By thanksdad - 16/3/2014 19:28 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML

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By Cassidy - 8/10/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

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Top comments

By Shaik Shamir | 7

#7740805 - Thursday 20 December 2018 18:08

This should be an fml for everyone else on the plane

By purplepixie23 | 15

#7740809 - Thursday 20 December 2018 18:27

Today, some sick guy on my plane puked everywhere and keeps hogging the lav fml

Comments

By Shaik Shamir | 7

#7740805 - Thursday 20 December 2018 18:08

This should be an fml for everyone else on the plane

By purplepixie23 | 15

#7740809 - Thursday 20 December 2018 18:27

Today, some sick guy on my plane puked everywhere and keeps hogging the lav fml

By blahblabbity | 19

#7740854 - Thursday 20 December 2018 20:38

can’t wait to see the FML from the person in the seat in front of you

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7740911 - Thursday 20 December 2018 23:19

And I thought those people in England being held hostage by a drone were the unlucky ones. I was wrong.

By TumblrweedPasses | 11

#7740924 - Thursday 20 December 2018 23:40

Waiting for the fml from the people around you haha
Thats just plane horrible

By melisssa87 | 30

#7740973 - Friday 21 December 2018 1:14

Oh man if I was the person sitting next to you I would want a compensation 😂

By Agent JPN | 9

#7741221 - Friday 21 December 2018 12:36

OK, I was going to say something witty about not trying to do every possible embarrassing thing at the same time and instead space them out over a week or 2.
But that just stinks.

LITERALLY

By Abbusser | 9

#7741242 - Friday 21 December 2018 13:24

And there's the weekly diarrhea post...