Today, I fell off the top of my bunk bed in my sleep onto a running... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/7/2016 00:56 - Canada - Concord

Today, I fell off the top of my bunk bed in my sleep onto a running fan. FML

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Family values

Oh, hai!

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 1/1/2016 10:33 - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend furiously bitched me out because I got more upset about my phone screen cracking than when she told me about the death of her cat. We hadn't even met when her cat died. Did she expect me to burst into tears from hearing the story? Guess who's single again! FML

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By confused - 28/9/2011 04:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML

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By Fartini - 7/11/2016 06:47

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2019 12:00

Today, a stranger at the grocery store rubbed my belly and asked me when I'm due. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Dave - 23/4/2012 13:22 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I left my number on my receipt for a cute waitress. As I was leaving the bar, she came running out and called me over. I obviously got excited. Turns out I'd forgotten to sign my slip. FML

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By >_< - 30/8/2013 22:56 - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

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By MistofAvalon - 24/4/2020 14:00

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Today, my cat woke me up announcing he was hungry by standing on my bedside table. This placed him both next to and above my head. Did he do this by meowing? Nope. Did he do it by tapping me with his little paw? Not that either. He sneezed all over my face. FML

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By catstew - 2/10/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

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By Kiki - 23/6/2016 23:54 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

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By lateralligator - 12/12/2014 16:35 - Canada - Whitchurch-stouffville

Today, I took out my old hairdryer and turned it on. I then gave my roommate a show as I ran out of the bathroom, naked and screaming, after a spider was blasted out of the hairdryer and directly at my face. FML

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By lion2294 - 5/3/2015 09:19 - United States - Laingsburg

Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

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By anonymous - 14/7/2015 17:28 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

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By fingerfuckd - 29/4/2009 15:47 - Canada

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

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By Nick Pat - 30/9/2015 13:13

Today, I took my dad out shopping. I managed to pull into a really cramped parking spot and said, "Man, that was a tight squeeze." My dad then looked me in the eyes and said, "So was your mom." FML

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By nothungry - 29/7/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By Sylvania - 10/6/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By fmldailyyy - 18/9/2010 23:13 - Ireland

Today, my husband told me he had been cheating on me for the past 8 months. Twenty minutes later, he asked me what was for dinner. FML

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By Surprisebuttsecks? - 7/12/2011 04:39 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

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By muffinmen1022 - 20/2/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

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By deven - 29/8/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I saw a fight so I went over to try and break it up. Someone thought I wanted to join in, so he gave me an unexpected whap in the happy sacks, and I also got a bloody nose for my troubles. FML

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By Samantha - 16/8/2012 22:36 - United States - Holt

Today, while I was taking my driver's test, my instructor received a text message. He promptly had a panic attack and screamed for me to pull over. It turned out his wife wanted a divorce. The last 15 minutes of my test consisted of him sobbing to himself as I drove back to the DMV. FML

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By Skullie - 19/2/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML

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By anon - 3/2/2015 07:50 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

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By Stalked - 15/11/2011 00:46 - United States

Today, I and a policeman confronted my psychotic neighbor who stole my cat because she thinks flea bites cause cancer. She refused to tell us what she'd done with the cat. I just spent $100 last month in vet bills, and my kids are crying for their pet. He's probably in pieces in her freezer. FML

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By XoxoChula - 22/3/2013 05:41 - United States

Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

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By sauve dino. - 25/3/2016 03:12 - France - Groslay

Today, I explained to my five year-old son that the dinosaurs were wiped out because of a meteorite that hit our planet. He replied, "They should've stood out of the way." FML

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By shamed - 5/11/2011 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my father met my boyfriend for the first time at dinner. The only thing he said to him the whole evening was, "Are you circumcised?" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 22:13 - United States - Newcastle

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 23:03 - United States - Chester

Today, I'm so broke after paying my bills, that I resorted to eating plain garlic butter from the pizzeria down the street for lunch. The worst part: to get the butter, I stormed in and angrily complained, saying they forgot to give it to me. I never even ordered a pizza. FML

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By whosurdaddy - 6/1/2017 06:44

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

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By aabadaba - 1/4/2013 05:23 - United States - La Mirada

Today, my Jewish boyfriend came over for my extended family's Easter party. My grandmother made fun of him for being Jewish so badly, that he left, crying. She doesn't see what she did wrong. FML

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By Chrissy - 8/2/2010 20:24 - United States

Today, I found out that the necklace my boyfriend gave me for my birthday was actually a gift he'd given to his ex girlfriend. FML

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By Username - 20/8/2011 09:20 - United States

Today, the girl of my dreams that I've been dating for months called me. Apparently she's been having recurring nightmares of me cheating on her. She dumped me "just in case." FML

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By fmylifebadddd - 18/4/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, was my birthday. My friends love to play pranks on me. So when I entered the door for my surprise party, I became aware of the surroundings. There was nothing. Everyone was staring as I slowly entered the room. When I closed the door behind me, a freaking bucket of pee fell all over me. FML

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By tannerpaul - 25/3/2011 01:30

Today, I went to the hospital as my girlfriends emergency contact. When I saw her, she was under a blanket because she had no pants. She had a seizure in a guy's bed and he brought her here. He's here and she wants us both to stay. FML

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By MotherofET - 11/7/2011 04:23 - Australia

Today, my daughter announced on Facebook that she is directly descended from extra-terrestrials. That would be okay - except she's 25 and believes it's true. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents in almost a year I sorta expected them to come meet me/pick me up at the airport. Nope. What did I get instead? A text from my dad saying, "I hope you have a key." FML

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By jaivolétonnez - 17/6/2015 05:54 - France - La Courneuve

Today, in a train, I did the old "I've got your nose" trick for a kid. He got off at the next stop, then waved something at me from the platform, then yelled, "I've got your keys!" FML

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By kb - 10/1/2015 14:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML

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By MoonStarShine3 - 9/6/2015 16:12 - United Kingdom - Chorley

Today, my boss yelled at me for being 3 hours late. I was late because I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. Apparently, breaking my arm is not a good enough excuse. FML

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Top comments

By soodytheboi | 23

#6649990 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:02

"Today, I was spinning around, doing my job, when all of a sudden the guy who sleeps on the top bunk fell onto me. FML"
-The Fan

Seriously though, I hope you're okay cuz that seems like it would hurt.

By ThunderLightTSV | 31

#6649975 - Thursday 14 July 2016 18:50

Wow, uh, ouch. Hopefully your face or...Other parts of you aren't broken or otherwise butchered after that. FYL.

Comments

By ThunderLightTSV | 31

#6649975 - Thursday 14 July 2016 18:50

Wow, uh, ouch. Hopefully your face or...Other parts of you aren't broken or otherwise butchered after that. FYL.

By heartlessn0b0dy | 13

#6649976 - Thursday 14 July 2016 18:52

Talk about bad luck

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6650036 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:47

Alright, I guess I'll kick things off. Once, I thought I found a four leaf clover, but it was really just a three leafed clover and forced perspective. Then a black cat crossed my path.

Anyone else?

Reply

chuka81 | 27

#6650046 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:56

Once, I broke a mirror on Friday the 13th, while walking under a ladder.

Reply

whysobeachy | 37

#6650275 - Friday 15 July 2016 4:54

I once wrote "666" on a piece of paper, and Satan appeared and killed me.

Reply

ImmortalYu | 11

#6650978 - Saturday 16 July 2016 7:16

how are u even alive

Reply

FutureUSM | 16

#6651027 - Saturday 16 July 2016 8:56

Perception is reality

By Tripartita | 44

#6649977 - Thursday 14 July 2016 18:52

Well, that's what you get for sharing a room with Wile E. Coyote.

By soodytheboi | 23

#6649990 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:02

"Today, I was spinning around, doing my job, when all of a sudden the guy who sleeps on the top bunk fell onto me. FML"
-The Fan

Seriously though, I hope you're okay cuz that seems like it would hurt.

By Justy101 | 23

#6649991 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:04

Next on, reasons why bunk beds are evil.

Reply

MrValeska | 8

#6650820 - Saturday 16 July 2016 2:00

Why did people thumbs down lol

By Bearsmomma | 30

#6649996 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:09

Ouch, sorry OP. What in the world were you dreaming? Do you not have side railings up there?

By Nilorak | 24

#6650000 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:19

Sounds like a fantastic way to start your day!

By Mowmee | 14

#6650008 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:24

That sucks! Hopefully nothing hurt or if it did it gets better!

By orangejubejube | 20

#6650026 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:39

Did you catch it?

By Gormack | 3

#6650032 - Thursday 14 July 2016 19:45

Was the fan running from you?