Kids: Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last... - FML

By mark - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

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Leave us alone

Another great day to be alive

Out of it

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I had to calm my rather gullible boyfriend down and reassure him that the email he got, telling him that he has AIDS, was just a scam. FML

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By PoorGramps - United States

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

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By heartbrokenl12453

Movie night

Today, my girlfriend decided that the best place to break up with me was during a movie about two couples breaking up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML

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By Anonymous - Greece - Athens

Today, I gave up smoking. A few hours later, I caught myself daydreaming about brutally killing a guy that gave me a mean look at the bus. Maybe I should go back to smoking. FML

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By annoying - United States

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

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By brittrus - Canada - Milton

Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML

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By Subliminal message - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

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By McChunky =( - United States

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

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By schwange - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML

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By what434 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking down the strip with a friend when we saw a homeless man with no arm. I felt bad, so I gave him some cash and I looked into his poor little eyes when he put out his arm for a hug. Without thinking, I hugged him. Right as I was thinking, "wtf am I doing," he kissed my boob. FML

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By fmldailyyy - Ireland

Today, my husband told me he had been cheating on me for the past 8 months. Twenty minutes later, he asked me what was for dinner. FML

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By lol112 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

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By Pierce - United States

Today, I was with my 14 year old son when we saw a baby sparrow being attacked by four or five blackbirds. We rushed up, waving our arms and scared away the much bigger attackers. The baby sparrow ran toward us for protection, then went past both of us and ran straight down a storm sewer. FML

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By Andrea Trevor

Today, I woke up at 5am to my dog jumping off of my bed. No big deal. I rolled over to the other side of the bed to fall back asleep and my face landed right in a puddle of his pee. I tasted it. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML

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By Tim - United States

Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

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By Somebody kill me! - 2/5/2021 00:30

Time out

Today, after a year and a half of overexploitation at work without getting paid for it, I can finally have a deserved vacation. Why? I caught Covid. FML

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By Anonymous

Forever alone, episode 7864

Today, I lied at a store when the checkout person told me the cologne I was buying was for men. I told him it was for my boyfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, I just wanted it to smell like one. FML

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By Poopsie

Today, I went to the ER due to intense headaches. My partner was unable to go with me so he called his father to drive me. My father-in-law now knows that every time I orgasm my head feels like it will explode. He also knows that it happened 4 times last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

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By BirthdayTeeth - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my 18th birthday. I got one thing: a fancy electric toothbrush from my little sister. I would say I'm happy to have something rather than nothing, except, for as long as the toothbrush works, there will be a Hannah Montana concert going on in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

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By Matt Steele - 4/2/2021 14:01

Call the cops

Today, after they said being a dad is fun, after saying that you got to do things when you were a kid… Well now, I'm at the lost and found of the city, asking, "Have you seen my kid?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I missed out on the chance of buying a great used car because my loan wasn't approved. Why wasn't it approved? Because the vehicle has +100k miles on it. I wish they would've told me that when I applied for the loan. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Wuppertal

Today, my coworker keeps loudly saying things like, "Oh, now THIS!" If I don't ask, "What?" she pouts. If I do ask, she tells me, at length and with very bad grammar, how every one of our colleagues and partners is either stupid, rude or out to get her. FML

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By alone and horny

Some people just don't like surprises

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I started to head back in, I saw a shadow move across my bedroom window. I live alone, so I waited outside and called the police. They came and investigated, only to drag my naked boyfriend out, where he promptly dumped me. I forgot our 2-year anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up, got dressed, drove for an hour, just to find out that I was fired. This is the closest job near me. FML

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By Anonymous

LOL AWKS

Today, I decided to finally tell my name to this really hot guy I had been anonymously chatting with for a couple of weeks. He said he would be fine with whoever I am, and want to go out with me. After sending my name, there was a long, awkward pause, and his last reply to me was, "Oh." FML

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By Mightytall

It's the Final Countdown

Today, I had a very long wait at the doctor's. The three plastic plants in the waiting area have 163 leaves each, the patient information poster on the wall has 127 words, the longest word has 19 letters. FML

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By PieterseMJ - South Africa - Sandton

Today, my company had a Halloween party. I was so excited seeing as our company never does anything, so I pulled out all the stops with my costume. I was the only one who got dressed up. FML

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By BobsBabe2 - United States

Today, my 13-year-old son discovered Axe. Axe shower gel. Axe shampoo. Axe body spray. All at once. FML

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By sincerely - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally called me after a week of barely any communication. He wanted to talk to my brother about Call of Duty. FML

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By JesusLaidAnEgg

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Kilkelly

Today, my dad introduced me to my half-sister. He'd only recently found out that he had another daughter by another woman, and had only just met her. She and I have been in the same class in school for the past three years. FML

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Top comments

By x0x_KissOfDeath | 0

#28500 - Thursday 12 March 2009 19:38

#5, you fart, everybody farts, does that make you fat? maybe, maybe not..but you come off rude and ignorant.

but honestly...thats awesome!

By Brandosyn | 0

#27580 - Thursday 12 March 2009 3:46

Man you missed out on the obvious retort to that little kid, namely lifting one cheek and squeezing for all you were worth.

Hell even if you royally sharted your pants it woulda been totally worth it...

COMMENTS

By AliSama | 17

#6221 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 4:19

are you sure you where not traveling by air india?

By phantomsmokes | 0

#23145 - Monday 9 March 2009 10:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

strangenessandch | 0

#2768502 - Monday 27 June 2011 7:13

Yeah, notice how he said LAST NIGHT not JUST BEFORE I GOT ON THE TRAIN. Asshole.

Reply

constantine91 | 0

#3091680 - Friday 12 August 2011 9:12

Some people are just idiots. I love how you tried to write a smart ass remark but it completely backfired on you. IDIOT.

By Brandosyn | 0

#27580 - Thursday 12 March 2009 3:46

Man you missed out on the obvious retort to that little kid, namely lifting one cheek and squeezing for all you were worth.

Hell even if you royally sharted your pants it woulda been totally worth it...

Reply

megamatt215 | 0

#1232182 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:59

what the hell does "sharting" mean?

Reply

Ikz_Hustler | 9

#2123847 - Friday 25 February 2011 21:53

Pooing. That kids a genius :DDD

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6046982 - Monday 25 August 2014 2:18

Sharting means farting so hard that you shit

By x0x_KissOfDeath | 0

#28500 - Thursday 12 March 2009 19:38

#5, you fart, everybody farts, does that make you fat? maybe, maybe not..but you come off rude and ignorant.

but honestly...thats awesome!

By Commentator_fml | 0

#30512 - Saturday 14 March 2009 0:47

Can we not have anything mature anymore?

Reply

roadie42 | 21

#5623602 - Monday 12 August 2013 5:36

Come on now - immaturity is a blast!!

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#69520 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:13

I think you had just a bit too much curry.

By sforward09 | 0

#94233 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:43

HHAHAHAH if i were the kid i would have been shitting myself cause i would be laughing so hard...

hahahaha if i were you..... i would be extremely embarrassed XD

By funkmaster795 | 0

#128297 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 2:13

That sucks and thats gross! wouldnt want to be in that train!

By Loboguy | 0

#153928 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:57

INDIAN FOOD FTW
American food is too freaking bland .. you people, need flavor in your lives.
Of course, I don't drink alcohol, so that may just be your fault .. =P

Reply

SomeDragonShit | 1

#4796195 - Friday 10 August 2012 8:18

OMG!! Yes Indian food all the Wayy!!

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5535255 - Saturday 15 June 2013 1:56

OP isn't American though. He's French.

By 24788 | 6

#170619 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:38

Lol, it was probably worth it though.