Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last... - FML

By mark - 11/1/2009 02:11 - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

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KoBabe

Tense

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By RuasaLove - 30/7/2015 02:34 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2012 17:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML

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By innocent - 6/1/2014 21:32 - Australia

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML

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By AmICrappyEveryOtherDay - 2/9/2010 23:51 - Canada

Today, I received my first compliment in a really long time. It went, "Hey, you don't look like crap today." FML

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By hold your horses pony boy - 18/4/2014 18:24 - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

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By Brayden - 10/1/2016 03:27 - Australia - Crib Point

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

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By stdfree_hopefully - 15/4/2018 06:00

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told me he wasn't really into me and asked to be friends. Then, he apologised because he has herpes. FML

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By nottoosmall - 3/4/2013 16:57 - United States

Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

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By FroggyGirl888 - 12/10/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, my roommates thought I wasn't home and started talking about me. Apparently I'm a lesbian, devil worshiper, and an alcoholic. I didn't know my life was so fascinating. FML

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By lostmyfaithinblowjobs - 12/1/2013 02:16 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, during an hour-long drive, my sister told me she's lost her "faith in humanity", because one of her friends bought his 8-year-old son an iPad. She uses this stupid expression all the time, and I got so pissed off that I forgot to brake at a red light, rear-ending the car in front of us. FML

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By yamada - 25/2/2011 10:15 - Singapore

Today, all the staff in my company were forced to attend an evening Chippendale show. Everyone in my department managed to think of a good reason to escape while I failed and no other choice but to go. I'm the only guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 15:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's the fifth day in a row my workmate has worn the exact same clothing. We share the desk. I'm absolutely positive he hasn't hit the shower since last weekend. FML

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By beccav23 - 25/10/2011 16:08 - United States

He's got the moves

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weedwacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgetting that I am mowing where the dogs go to the restroom, I absent-mindedly weedwack over dog poop. Which got flung into my face. FML

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By FUCK A FUCKING DUCK - 23/11/2012 17:20 - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 08:01 - Mexico

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

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By CarrieRedburn - 27/7/2011 08:09 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 02:55 - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

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By IceQueen - 1/2/2014 00:40 - United States - Clinton

Today, I've been without hot water for three days thanks to a frozen water line. I finally managed to thaw the frozen area, only to have the chunk of ice dislodge, slam into a bend in the pipe, and burst the line. FML

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By syco - 28/12/2010 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

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By XxmegaronixX - 25/6/2016 04:55 - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, my workplace often leaves out "expired" food from the café that our department coincides with, as it is wasteful to throw away perfectly fine cuisine. I soon discovered that the inside of a seemingly normal looking cupcake was actually filled with mold when I took a large mouthful of it. FML

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By bugger - 22/2/2015 17:31

Today, I looked my boyfriend in the eyes and said "I love y-" He cut me off with, "Babe, a blowjob's worth a thousand words" and held eye contact until I awkwardly excused myself. FML

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By Sue - 26/3/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

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By Karaoke Queen - 20/11/2018 12:00

Today, I went to a work event and was having my picture taken with a coworker. Since we had done karaoke together, someone said we should pose like we were singing. I held my hand up like I was holding a mic and opened my mouth. It looked like I was performing a sex act. My boss glared at me. FML

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By botheredgf - 9/11/2010 12:02 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend drunkenly decided to let his friends cut his hair into a mullet. He won't change it. I'm supposed to introduce him to my family. FML

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By nearly a crazy lady - 12/8/2013 11:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my OCD manager sprayed my hands with chemicals because I touched the bin while throwing away a piece of paper. My hands are now covered in itchy, unattractive rashes. FML

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By highfive - 17/10/2014 01:27 - United States - Dedham

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2014 02:26 - United States - San Luis Rey

Today, while visiting family, we went to a restaurant to eat. Towards the end of the meal, I went to use the restroom. When I came back, everyone was gone. Everyone had actually gotten into their cars and left without me. I have no idea where I am and no one is answering their phone. FML

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By Secretisout - 22/12/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I found out where all my expensive bras and panties have been disappearing to. Apparently, while I'm at work, my fifteen year-old son's girlfriend has been stealing them after they have sex in my bed. FML

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By Bladerunner - 1/12/2011 09:49 - United States

Today, my car was towed. After taking a cab all the way to the lot for $45 and paying the $250 fee to get my car back, my car broke down in the impound lot and needed to be towed to the nearest shop, where it took another $200 to fix, and $50 for the towing. I still have a 3 hour drive home. FML

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By joser6969 - 29/10/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

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By kittykat - 8/8/2009 18:02 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my bedroom to go pee very quickly, so I wouldn't wake up my new puppy who doesn't like being away from me. In the 60 seconds it took me to pee, wash my hands and walk back into the room she had pooped, peed, and left potty-paw-prints all over my bed. FML

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By Youknowwho - 18/1/2009 02:55 - Australia

Today, I was in a toilet cubicle, when I overheard two of my friends at the sink talking about how ugly and skinny I was. FML

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By brit - 11/2/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 23:01

Don't shoot the messenger

Today, after I got wasted about 5 months ago and lost my virginity to a total bitch I used to work with and regretted it straight away, this morning she texts me that she’s pregnant, and that I should probably get an STD screening because she also just found out she has gonorrhoea. FML

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By LustyDragon - 5/6/2017 14:00

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

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By longlostkid556 - 5/6/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML

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By klanciee - 16/7/2012 02:00 - United States - Valencia

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

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Top comments

By x0x_KissOfDeath | 0

#28500 - Thursday 12 March 2009 19:38

#5, you fart, everybody farts, does that make you fat? maybe, maybe not..but you come off rude and ignorant.

but honestly...thats awesome!

By Brandosyn | 0

#27580 - Thursday 12 March 2009 3:46

Man you missed out on the obvious retort to that little kid, namely lifting one cheek and squeezing for all you were worth.

Hell even if you royally sharted your pants it woulda been totally worth it...

COMMENTS

By AliSama | 17

#6221 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 4:19

are you sure you where not traveling by air india?

By phantomsmokes | 0

#23145 - Monday 9 March 2009 10:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

strangenessandch | 0

#2768502 - Monday 27 June 2011 7:13

Yeah, notice how he said LAST NIGHT not JUST BEFORE I GOT ON THE TRAIN. Asshole.

Reply

constantine91 | 0

#3091680 - Friday 12 August 2011 9:12

Some people are just idiots. I love how you tried to write a smart ass remark but it completely backfired on you. IDIOT.

By Brandosyn | 0

#27580 - Thursday 12 March 2009 3:46

Man you missed out on the obvious retort to that little kid, namely lifting one cheek and squeezing for all you were worth.

Hell even if you royally sharted your pants it woulda been totally worth it...

Reply

megamatt215 | 0

#1232182 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:59

what the hell does "sharting" mean?

Reply

Ikz_Hustler | 9

#2123847 - Friday 25 February 2011 21:53

Pooing. That kids a genius :DDD

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6046982 - Monday 25 August 2014 2:18

Sharting means farting so hard that you shit

By x0x_KissOfDeath | 0

#28500 - Thursday 12 March 2009 19:38

#5, you fart, everybody farts, does that make you fat? maybe, maybe not..but you come off rude and ignorant.

but honestly...thats awesome!

By Commentator_fml | 0

#30512 - Saturday 14 March 2009 0:47

Can we not have anything mature anymore?

Reply

roadie42 | 21

#5623602 - Monday 12 August 2013 5:36

Come on now - immaturity is a blast!!

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#69520 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:13

I think you had just a bit too much curry.

By sforward09 | 0

#94233 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:43

HHAHAHAH if i were the kid i would have been shitting myself cause i would be laughing so hard...

hahahaha if i were you..... i would be extremely embarrassed XD

By funkmaster795 | 0

#128297 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 2:13

That sucks and thats gross! wouldnt want to be in that train!

By Loboguy | 0

#153928 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:57

INDIAN FOOD FTW
American food is too freaking bland .. you people, need flavor in your lives.
Of course, I don't drink alcohol, so that may just be your fault .. =P

Reply

SomeDragonShit | 1

#4796195 - Friday 10 August 2012 8:18

OMG!! Yes Indian food all the Wayy!!

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5535255 - Saturday 15 June 2013 1:56

OP isn't American though. He's French.

By 24788 | 6

#170619 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:38

Lol, it was probably worth it though.