Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last... - FML

By mark - 11/1/2009 02:11 - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

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The opposite of a good idea

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Don't give up

By dwhitehouse - 21/1/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before. With the wind chill, it was -20°F outside. With the hood open, and jumper cables in one hand, I tried to flag down a passing motorist for help. A man in a truck slowed down, sarcastically waved at me, and kept driving. FML

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By girlsgottagotoo - 26/6/2016 20:52 - United States - Covina

Today, I passed a cashier when I came into a store. Later I passed him again as I was leaving, and he asked me if I needed help finding something because I had been in the store for a while. I told him I had been browsing upstairs, but in reality, I had been in the restroom the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 16:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my 43 year old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year old kid on Halo. FML

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By waltzy777 - 26/4/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, i had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. right when i finished, i ran out of gas. My 83 year old grandmother saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 16:32 - Russian Federation

Today, at my job in a chemists, I had a customer ask me which acne cream I would recommend. I picked up the brand I use and told her that I've been using it for a year now. After pausing to stare at my face for a second, she thanked me and picked up the competing brand instead. FML

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By hanmart - 15/11/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my coworker shared a laugh with the boss about setting the office desk on fire (which he actually did), while ten minutes later I was threatened with being fired because I made paper snowflakes and hung a few of them next to the computer. FML

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By internetadvice - 1/4/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that she wasn't really in love with me. She got that advice from an internet survey. FML

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By whyme - 31/5/2013 18:47 - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

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By JealousBratMuch - 26/7/2013 00:51 - Canada - High River

Today, my eldest daughter has 'officially' removed herself from our family and will no longer communicate with any of us. Apparently it's my fault that her younger sister is having a baby before her, and she can't be part of a family that 'treats her so unfairly'. FML

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By Sally - 13/7/2010 09:22 - United States

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

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By giantcuntflaps - 13/12/2014 16:03 - Australia

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

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By nail714 - 25/6/2009 05:02 - United States

Today, while at football practice, my teammates and I were on water break. At the bus barn next to the field, a good-looking girl was washing a bus. Some of the guys started to yell pick-up lines at her from 50 yards away, and pretty soon I chime in. She turns around. It was my younger sister. FML

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By daughter in law - 8/11/2016 06:05 - United States

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

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By NotDrunk - 11/9/2012 06:47 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was at a family dinner, which had gone into meltdown after my aunt said something sarcastic about my mother's drinking. I went out for some fresh air and stumbled about in the dark, unaware of the fact that a pool was being dug. I fell into the huge hole and lost a shoe. FML

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By alwaysxgettingxshitxon - 3/7/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

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By davidthegreat - 5/7/2011 08:27 - Japan

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 16:09 - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he fell asleep right between my legs. The worst part was I only noticed when he started snoring. FML

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By no compassion - 16/4/2013 10:50 - United States - Aurora

Today, working in customer support, I received a call from a woman who'd just been robbed. My supervisor asked what was taking so long; I told him that she was hysterical. He took my phone and told her to call back when she had her "shit together", then hung up. I take orders from this man. FML

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By jm_track - 26/2/2011 22:59 - United States

Today, to punish me for being hungover, my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" through his stereo. FML

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By bitten - 15/5/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

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By worsethanzombies - 23/11/2009 16:40 - Spain

Today, my car crashed and the only refuge was at a nearby house, the resident of which was a crazy psycho. Now replace "crazy psycho" with "crazy ex-girlfriend who won't help you unless you compose a poem about how much you love her." FML

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By BFFN - 14/4/2016 15:36 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my best friend told me she no longer wants an "active friendship" with me. She says she doesn't have time to see me, since she has a boyfriend and a bunch of friends she's spent years bitching to me about. We've gone from a 14 year friendship to awkwardly nodding at each other in the street. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2013 20:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, the weather was so hot that I couldn't stop sweating profusely while using the restroom. Ever slipped off the toilet seat and hit the floor hard due to ass-sweat? Not a pleasant experience. FML

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By lebowski - 28/11/2010 01:57 - United States

Today, my 5 year old brother wanted to look through my phone. I know he can't read so I gave it to him. He was, however, able to get at my "private" photo album. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I talked to my crush for twenty minutes at Wal-mart. Then I realized I forgot to take off my Weight Watchers meeting nametag. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 22:00

How nice of them.

Today, I learned what my office nickname means. My nickname? Butterface. FML

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By Arthurie - 24/7/2012 23:44 - United States - Plainview

Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML

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By oogabooga9 - 8/11/2017 15:00

Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

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By webcammistake - 17/3/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so I stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that I'm a whore. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2012 13:53 - Australia - Perth

Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2013 10:17 - Germany - Berlin

Today, it's my only day off work in a while. I told my boss I'd be available via phone in case of emergencies. So far I've been called three times: To ask how the fax works, to let me know it's a slow day, and to ask me where the letter R is on a keyboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2010 11:36 - United States

Today, I broke my toe. After telling my friend about it, he promptly stomped on it to "see what my reaction would be." FML

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By sadinseattle - 22/7/2009 17:13 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

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By Smashed - 15/11/2009 23:16 - United States

Today, when I walked up to my car, all my windows were smashed. Thankfully, all I keep in my car is jumper cables, a pen, my car insurance and manual. Whoever smashed my windows apparently was pissed, 'cos they left a note saying "F**k you and your f**king station wagon". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

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By Almostlovedchild - 20/1/2017 18:00

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

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By Beesmakemerun - 10/4/2017 04:00

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

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Top comments

By x0x_KissOfDeath | 0

#28500 - Thursday 12 March 2009 19:38

#5, you fart, everybody farts, does that make you fat? maybe, maybe not..but you come off rude and ignorant.

but honestly...thats awesome!

By Brandosyn | 0

#27580 - Thursday 12 March 2009 3:46

Man you missed out on the obvious retort to that little kid, namely lifting one cheek and squeezing for all you were worth.

Hell even if you royally sharted your pants it woulda been totally worth it...

Comments

By AliSama | 17

#6221 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 4:19

are you sure you where not traveling by air india?

By phantomsmokes | 0

#23145 - Monday 9 March 2009 10:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

strangenessandch | 0

#2768502 - Monday 27 June 2011 7:13

Yeah, notice how he said LAST NIGHT not JUST BEFORE I GOT ON THE TRAIN. Asshole.

Reply

constantine91 | 0

#3091680 - Friday 12 August 2011 9:12

Some people are just idiots. I love how you tried to write a smart ass remark but it completely backfired on you. IDIOT.

By Brandosyn | 0

#27580 - Thursday 12 March 2009 3:46

Man you missed out on the obvious retort to that little kid, namely lifting one cheek and squeezing for all you were worth.

Hell even if you royally sharted your pants it woulda been totally worth it...

Reply

megamatt215 | 0

#1232182 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:59

what the hell does "sharting" mean?

Reply

Ikz_Hustler | 9

#2123847 - Friday 25 February 2011 21:53

Pooing. That kids a genius :DDD

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6046982 - Monday 25 August 2014 2:18

Sharting means farting so hard that you shit

By x0x_KissOfDeath | 0

#28500 - Thursday 12 March 2009 19:38

#5, you fart, everybody farts, does that make you fat? maybe, maybe not..but you come off rude and ignorant.

but honestly...thats awesome!

By Commentator_fml | 0

#30512 - Saturday 14 March 2009 0:47

Can we not have anything mature anymore?

Reply

roadie42 | 21

#5623602 - Monday 12 August 2013 5:36

Come on now - immaturity is a blast!!

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#69520 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:13

I think you had just a bit too much curry.

By sforward09 | 0

#94233 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:43

HHAHAHAH if i were the kid i would have been shitting myself cause i would be laughing so hard...

hahahaha if i were you..... i would be extremely embarrassed XD

By funkmaster795 | 0

#128297 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 2:13

That sucks and thats gross! wouldnt want to be in that train!

By Loboguy | 0

#153928 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:57

INDIAN FOOD FTW
American food is too freaking bland .. you people, need flavor in your lives.
Of course, I don't drink alcohol, so that may just be your fault .. =P

Reply

SomeDragonShit | 1

#4796195 - Friday 10 August 2012 8:18

OMG!! Yes Indian food all the Wayy!!

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5535255 - Saturday 15 June 2013 1:56

OP isn't American though. He's French.

By 24788 | 6

#170619 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:38

Lol, it was probably worth it though.