Kids: Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last... - FML

By mark - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25935

You deserved it

9277

Tweet

Share

There's no helping some people

Commando

Poisoned chalice

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

274616

You deserved it

87922

Tweet

Share

By Prodigy - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31152

You deserved it

7893

Tweet

Share

By confused_cashier - United States - Herndon

Today, while working as a cashier at a fast food restaurant, a customer asked me how many chicken nuggets were in our 6 count chicken nuggets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13196

You deserved it

1432

Tweet

Share

By Tennisplayer - United States

Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You're looking very white today!" He's African American. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12139

You deserved it

44077

Tweet

Share

By Blanche Dubois - United States - Birmingham

Today, after finally breaking my addiction to sleeping pills, right as I was drifting off to sleep at my first decent drug-free time in over 4 years... I got the hiccups. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6453

You deserved it

520

Tweet

Share

By goodeyesight - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I went on a blind date. Sadly, I wasn't blind enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12317

You deserved it

31595

Tweet

Share

By cookscatastrophy - United States

Today, in aerobics, while stretching, my friend leaned over to pull the long hair off my pants. It was my pubic hair sticking through my pants, and I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17604

You deserved it

47013

Tweet

Share

By ameremanapparently - United States - Carlisle

Today, someone told my girlfriend that I cheated on her. I've never cheated in my life. Instead of talking to me about it, she made a big post on Facebook about what a dick I am. Pretty much all the comments went along the lines of "What a bastard." and "Ugh, men are pigs." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24980

You deserved it

1995

Tweet

Share

By immature - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, in astronomy class, a kid used Uranus in a hilarious innuendo. I was the only one who laughed. I also happen to be the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37830

You deserved it

6367

Tweet

Share

By stargate25 - United States - Denver

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27867

You deserved it

11559

Tweet

Share

By hfs palm - United States

Today, my husband let my 8-year-old twins play with handcuffs. I thought my husband was pretending he had lost the key but after 4 hours, he walked in with his head down and said, "I've made a terrible mistake honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28511

You deserved it

2513

Tweet

Share

By sniper foxeh

Today, my younger sister and I were camping when, during the middle of the night, she asked me if I could take her to the toilets as she was scared. I told her to go by herself or go behind the tent. Thirty seconds later, she peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1781

You deserved it

4320

Tweet

Share

By walker - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42765

You deserved it

3797

Tweet

Share

By notpreggo

Today, I was taking my 3-month-old nephew for a walk in his stroller, when a lady stopped me to coo over him. Then she patted my stomach and said, "Don't worry, you'll lose the baby weight soon". I've never had a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4903

You deserved it

677

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26167

You deserved it

3490

Tweet

Share

By vidzgrl - Canada

Today, I was feeling sick, so I called my boyfriend who lives down the street to come and keep me company. He replied with, "no, I can't come over, I'm busy, I'm playing xbox." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26667

You deserved it

5303

Tweet

Share

By gottalovefriends - United States - Atkinson

Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33838

You deserved it

4873

Tweet

Share

By ldn - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55492

You deserved it

12921

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7293

You deserved it

39647

Tweet

Share

By creepyyy - United States

Today, trying to be nice, I added this really shy kid from my English class on Facebook. Within minutes, he started going through all my pictures and tagging himself as my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52310

You deserved it

9910

Tweet

Share

By cheated

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4700

You deserved it

335

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15952

You deserved it

32287

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - South Hadley

Today, I was buying condoms but was a little embarrassed so I went to the self-check. I scanned the condoms, then a magazine and tried to put the condoms under the magazines to hide them. The store guy saw me, thought I was shoplifting and I was kicked out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43736

You deserved it

15870

Tweet

Share

By mathguy - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23256

You deserved it

7331

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36220

You deserved it

8204

Tweet

Share

By why mom, why? - United States - Ross

Today, my mother threw away my brand new headphones. She saw them on the couch with duct tape on the wires and assumed they were "old, broken, and cheap." I put the tape there to avoid damaging the wires. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48520

You deserved it

14309

Tweet

Share

By Coryj1220 - United States - Louisville

Today, while working at Dairy Queen, a customer asked me what was so special about our ice cream cakes, and how they're different from regular cakes. I chuckled, and told her it's because they're made from ice cream. She threw a fit, which resulted in me being written up and sent home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42967

You deserved it

6222

Tweet

Share

By pointlessperson - Canada

Today, I hung out with a friend who has been too busy to hang out with me in a few months. I decided to make the day super special with fun plans and spent a lot of money doing so. When I got home, her facebook status said "Pointless day, gone to bed". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40682

You deserved it

2974

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Temecula

Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27686

You deserved it

6051

Tweet

Share

By PhantomShitter - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

706

You deserved it

2087

Tweet

Share

By Fluffy

Thanks, honey.

Today, I noticed that I've been gaining some weight. Don't worry, my boyfriend doesn't mind. His new favorite thing is putting my boobs on his head and saying he feels "safe". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4566

You deserved it

878

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32330

You deserved it

3966

Tweet

Share

By An. - 11/1/2021 15:01 - United States - Denver

Good job

Today, after a really bad day, I just wanted to order DoorDash. When my food came, I saw my burger had tomatoes in it, despite requesting no tomatoes. I’m deathly allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

930

You deserved it

99

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't agree to convert to their new brand of Christianity. This is a day after they ranted at me about how I should speak my mind more and not let myself be controlled by other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48789

You deserved it

3579

Tweet

Share

By whoslade - United States

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28831

You deserved it

4569

Tweet

Share

By leonuniz - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35407

You deserved it

5095

Tweet

Share

By Anon - Australia

Today, I was caught and fined for picking a lock. I have OCD. I was picking the padlock on a toilet paper holder in a public toilet because the roll was the wrong way round. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36105

You deserved it

14465

Tweet

Share

By yuckspider - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to kill it with and it hid somewhere. So, I got dressed and went out and come home for a shower, and as I'm taking off my undies, something crushed and black fell out. It was the spider and he had been in my underwear the entire day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73185

You deserved it

7612

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34741

You deserved it

24865

Tweet

Share

By ihatebadkids - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was uninvited from every family event henceforth, because I finally had it and told my sister that I can’t stand to be around her horribly misbehaved kids. They have screaming meltdown tantrums, throw and break things, start fights and steal. How am I the bad guy? FML

I agree, your life sucks

2054

You deserved it

250

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By x0x_KissOfDeath | 0

#28500 - Thursday 12 March 2009 19:38

#5, you fart, everybody farts, does that make you fat? maybe, maybe not..but you come off rude and ignorant.

but honestly...thats awesome!

By Brandosyn | 0

#27580 - Thursday 12 March 2009 3:46

Man you missed out on the obvious retort to that little kid, namely lifting one cheek and squeezing for all you were worth.

Hell even if you royally sharted your pants it woulda been totally worth it...

COMMENTS

By AliSama | 17

#6221 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 4:19

are you sure you where not traveling by air india?

By phantomsmokes | 0

#23145 - Monday 9 March 2009 10:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

strangenessandch | 0

#2768502 - Monday 27 June 2011 7:13

Yeah, notice how he said LAST NIGHT not JUST BEFORE I GOT ON THE TRAIN. Asshole.

Reply

constantine91 | 0

#3091680 - Friday 12 August 2011 9:12

Some people are just idiots. I love how you tried to write a smart ass remark but it completely backfired on you. IDIOT.

By Brandosyn | 0

#27580 - Thursday 12 March 2009 3:46

Man you missed out on the obvious retort to that little kid, namely lifting one cheek and squeezing for all you were worth.

Hell even if you royally sharted your pants it woulda been totally worth it...

Reply

megamatt215 | 0

#1232182 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:59

what the hell does "sharting" mean?

Reply

Ikz_Hustler | 9

#2123847 - Friday 25 February 2011 21:53

Pooing. That kids a genius :DDD

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6046982 - Monday 25 August 2014 2:18

Sharting means farting so hard that you shit

By x0x_KissOfDeath | 0

#28500 - Thursday 12 March 2009 19:38

#5, you fart, everybody farts, does that make you fat? maybe, maybe not..but you come off rude and ignorant.

but honestly...thats awesome!

By Commentator_fml | 0

#30512 - Saturday 14 March 2009 0:47

Can we not have anything mature anymore?

Reply

roadie42 | 21

#5623602 - Monday 12 August 2013 5:36

Come on now - immaturity is a blast!!

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#69520 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:13

I think you had just a bit too much curry.

By sforward09 | 0

#94233 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:43

HHAHAHAH if i were the kid i would have been shitting myself cause i would be laughing so hard...

hahahaha if i were you..... i would be extremely embarrassed XD

By funkmaster795 | 0

#128297 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 2:13

That sucks and thats gross! wouldnt want to be in that train!

By Loboguy | 0

#153928 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:57

INDIAN FOOD FTW
American food is too freaking bland .. you people, need flavor in your lives.
Of course, I don't drink alcohol, so that may just be your fault .. =P

Reply

SomeDragonShit | 1

#4796195 - Friday 10 August 2012 8:18

OMG!! Yes Indian food all the Wayy!!

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5535255 - Saturday 15 June 2013 1:56

OP isn't American though. He's French.

By 24788 | 6

#170619 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:38

Lol, it was probably worth it though.