Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after having horrific constipation the day before, I finally got the rock hard turd out of my system. Things got awkward as I cried out in pain and my mom asked me what was wrong. Realizing the dining room and kitchen was nearby, I said "Never mind, it's gross!" I think she figured it out anyways. FML
Today, I really had to take a shit. My coworker had gone on lunch break and I was alone in the shop. There were no customers, so to the can I went. Cue a long series of loud wet farts and splashes, followed by the flush. I emerged to see the horrified face of some old lady and her grandson who'd heard everything. FML
Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML
Today, I thought I was going to shit myself at work. I speed-walked all the way to the bathroom clenching for dear life. Barely got my pants down while simultaneously sitting and unleashing. After all that, it was just a gigantic fart. FML
Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML
Today, I had to poop, but as I sat down, it wouldn't come out. After about 10 minutes I realized I needed help. The only help I could get was my mother, who couldn't stop laughing at the sweat and faces I made. I still hurt. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for horrible stomach pains. He said I had an abnormal amount of stool in me, and that I'd need to flush it out. I called my mom and told her what happened, to which she responded, "I always knew you were full of shit, I didn't need a doctor to tell me that." FML
Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML
Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
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Top comments
Misaki18 17
Was it a boy or a girl?
HeyHeyFishFillet 34
Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.
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Comments (48)
ctlnaaia71 8
LMAO this FML is hilarious!!!
FizzyFun 8
Hahaha, thanks for the laugh OP and commenter's. Made my day!
truepanda 2
HAHAHA! i can imagine the things u said...
CouponQueen 1
I would love to see that "Maury" episode!
Kiriya 7
OMG HAHA!!! Thanks for the laugh. xP
vffjvsegb 11
That awkward moment..
JoseIsAdork 31
thank God it was at least a natural birth.. would hate to see what happened if you were looped up while this ordeal was happening... anyways congratulations... I think...
Kiriya 7
I'm the OP, but not the one who experienced this FML. lol The credit for that goes to my brother. Basically, my mom and I had come home after running errands. That's when we heard him struggling to "give birth" and starting laughing our asses off!! xD My mom eventually knocked on the door and jokingly asked if she needed to call 911. My brother was likely mortified he had been caught, but he didn't seem to care and laughed it off. When he came out he explained the situation and we all put the funny incident in the back of our minds for future funnies. xP I decided to post it here, even though I am not my brother, because I thought it would be a really terrible FML. He doesn't use this site. Anywhores, to answer a few questions... Questions relating to the "baby": I have no idea. It wasn't my body it came out of and knowing my brother he wouldn't think to give it a name or anything. wtf people?!! xDDD Why?: I have no idea again. But he's my brother and if you knew him you'd know he'd do shit like this. He has no dignity I swear. lol Should have made sure you were alone: Firstly, it wasn't me. My brother should have done that himself. lol Secondly, we all do dumb stuff when we think we're alone/quiet enough. Sometimes you just have to entertain yourself a little. xP I'm glad I made so many people laugh. If only my brother actually got on this site, then he could actually answer a few questions himself. lol I tried the best I could as the big sister though. :/
liaRawr 9
Tell me you named it Mr. Hanky!!
goth_pixie 15
Dafuq I just read?
Obey_StudBoii 23
The hell I just read? -_-