Animals: Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat....

By jf29 - United States

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

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Animals

Sorry…

Doomed

One law for me…

By Rekt - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lompoc

Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

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By Speechless

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

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By lmiller - United States

Today, when I logged onto facebook, I discovered a friend request from my ex who broke up with me and deleted me months ago. Upon adding her, I was taken to her profile where I saw dozens of status updates talking about how much she loves her new boyfriend, who she dumped me for. FML

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By SirPimPim - Sweden

Today, it was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, and said: "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

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By Becky - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML

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By Florida Girl

It wasn't me

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story of my dad’s senior prank, his mom said during her senior year, some asshole spray-painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

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By Non-active - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

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By D: - France - Paris

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I bought Plan B for the first time. Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. FML

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By Jim - Canada - Winfield

Bigger than...

Today, I was looking for my passport and I found my wife's new vibrator (that she failed to tell me she'd purchased). I understand now why she doesn't want sex with me anymore. That thing is much bigger than I am. FML

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By Bad sibling

Today, as planned, my dad confirmed that he would be flying up to visit me for the weekend. Not planned, however, was that my whiny and high-maintenance sister invited herself along too. There's no way I can dis-invite her without offending my dad. FML

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By Nasty - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

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By ilovezim29 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newport

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Green Bay

Today, I came home and saw my cat all snuggled up with another cat on the sofa. I thought it was the cutest thing ever, until I remembered that I only have one cat. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boiler packed up on me just as the weather has turned cold, with no money to have it fixed. Hello to a week of freezing cold showers. FML

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By doesnttastegood - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By post-loss

Today, in my excitement to make some new cards for the postcard exchange I take part in, I apparently spilled my bottle of glue directly into the bag that contains my entire postcard collection. I didn't notice until several hours later. FML

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By selfishsexysanta - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By Emily Salt

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML

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By shmelly - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 17:02

Boundaries

Today, I took my new girl out on a date after work. Ten minutes later, my ex-wife, her new boyfriend and my daughter showed up at the same restaurant and decided a double date would be fun. My ex lives an hour away. FML

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By Angela17

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

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By anon - Australia

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

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By Poopalipa - United States

Today, I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast, and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. The meeting had been cancelled. FML

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By angie429 - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to my family's traditional late Thanksgiving dinner. While eating, my mom brought up celebrity infidelity. My grandpa ended up looking me in the eye and saying, "Look Angie, sometimes what a man has just isn't enough. When that happens, cheating is forgiveable." FML

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By FrozenAnonymus - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

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By EmbarrassedWife

Today, I texted my husband saying, “No sex tonight, it’s a bloodbath” and realized it was in a group chat with his parents, not directly to him like I'd intended. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Wrong sort of poking

Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML

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By DrunkenValor - United Kingdom

Today, my friend got drunk. We tried to get him into a cab, he punched me in the face, three chavs then accosted me, accusing me of trying to mug him. I was then beaten up by said chavs and then the police charged me for being drunk and disorderly. FML

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By Goblin Girl - United States - Katy

Today, a coworker informed me that she thinks I may be descended from a race of goblins, because of my squat stature, ugly face and hairy arms. She was being completely serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dekalb

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find my dad passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

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By ohray - Turkey - Kibris

Today, I popped into the shower hoping to come out all warm and clean. Something was very wrong with the pipes, and I came out smelling like sewage instead. FML

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Top comments

By Tikal_fml | 0

#941 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 1:37

Oh my god, ha-ha, thank you!
I hope you took pictures, because that would've been the ultimate "FAIL" picture of the internet :D

By Kulawend | 0

#3124 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:57

HAHAHA!

COMMENTS

By Tikal_fml | 0

#941 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 1:37

Oh my god, ha-ha, thank you!
I hope you took pictures, because that would've been the ultimate "FAIL" picture of the internet :D

averageirishman | 0

#889583 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 22:49

that would be hilarious
funniest FML I've ever read

bbyjoy | 4

#5051265 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 5:11

A definite fail.
Wow, op, you must have been reallllly drunk. ;)

LivingLouder | 7

#5572941 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 1:17

Omg that would be the best

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#1744 - Friday 13 February 2009 4:12

haha stoopid

By Kulawend | 0

#3124 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:57

HAHAHA!

By PSAATS | 0

#4754 - Saturday 21 February 2009 6:25

Gross! HAHA

By sm1094 | 0

#5517 - Sunday 22 February 2009 23:07

ahahahhahahahah. this probably just made my day.

By kitz | 0

#9244 - Saturday 28 February 2009 13:22

HAHAHAHA!
Dude that made me laugh hard, thanks ^ ^

By onluckiest | 0

#36884 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 6:19

lmao at #1

By lifepwns | 0

#45953 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:44

lol way to go LOLOL

By POORLiLSTELA | 0

#156120 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:32

oh my God!
why the hell didnt you check before sending her out to see the 'grave'
JEERRRKKKK!

jlarae12 | 10

#5321438 - Sunday 13 January 2013 4:12

Have you never been drunk??...

By tyralpha | 0

#163457 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:44

BWAHHAHAHA!!! God, I'd kill to get a picture of that!