Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been...

By f__k_it - 18/1/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

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Intimacy

You can't win sometimes

No one likes a smart-ass

Not a cheating!

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

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By Omi - 20/10/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

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By oh for f*cks sake - 20/3/2017 12:00 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, my baby brother learned to remove his nappy. He immediately used this new skill to shit all over my room. FML

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By embarassed - 25/5/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

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By B-Rad - 15/11/2012 05:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML

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By thanks dad - 4/1/2018 19:00

Today, I went bowling with my family. When my brother went up to buy a drink refill, the guy at the counter kindly refilled it for free and told him that he thought I was pretty. My dad laughed and shouted, "Pretty ugly!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2018 19:00

Man vs Boy

Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML

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By Flandre - 23/12/2018 12:00

Today I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2016 20:22 - Switzerland

Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2017 16:00

Today, I was rear-ended while heading to my appointment with my physiotherapist. This is the physiotherapist I am seeing to treat the pinched disc I got from being rear-ended 6 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2012 16:28 - United States - Great Mills

Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML

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By Jodie - 3/2/2012 12:48 - Australia

Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abused by a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML

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By - 28/1/2020 18:00

So romantic!

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By prettysmellingbedroom - 15/2/2012 14:18 - United States

Today, I wanted to freshen up my room, so I bought some Febreze. Standing on my bed, I began to spray, not noticing that the air vent directly across was turned on. The spray came directly back at me. The doctor says that the irritation in my eyes may last for several days. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 19:27 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

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By hdkgdkvdjd - 30/12/2011 04:56 - United States

Today, I bought cupcakes from a bakery by my work. I took them home, at which point my mother screamed at me because she's on a diet. Hours later I found the whole box empty. Great self-control, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2016 06:59 - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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By itscalledaphonecontractretards - 9/8/2016 17:54 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I resorted to breaking into my old apartment complex to do my laundry in the basement for free. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 04:50 - Canada

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

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By Boned...hard - 28/1/2010 00:09 - France

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 17:10 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be romantic to take me to a strip club for our 1-year anniversary. FML

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By crybaby - 1/2/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, it was my first time having sex with this guy. After a few second he stops, sits in the corner of his room buff-naked, with his knees up and his hands on his face. He then pouts and claims it was his worst performance ever. FML

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By Good tenant - 3/5/2019 23:00 - United Kingdom - Consett

Today, my landlord increase my rent because of the "increased value of the flat". Why has the value increased? Because I decorated and replaced the broken fixtures. FML

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By Stargirl - 28/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, in an attempt to support and encourage my efforts in getting a new job, my boyfriend said, "Imagine having triple what's in your bank account right now!" Triple what's in my bank account right now would be exactly $38.94. FML

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By Charlotte - 25/1/2011 14:10

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By likearacehorse - 12/2/2013 22:58 - United States - Franklin Lakes

Today, for the second time in two months, the person in the bathroom stall next to me commented on how loud I pee. This time, she made racehorse noises. I'm now too self-conscious to pee in public again. FML

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By otter - 17/8/2011 02:05 - United States

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

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By aianmoo16 - 1/5/2016 21:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2014 02:08 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

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By Australian Lifeguard - 22/10/2014 03:18 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

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By NO NO NO - 5/8/2013 21:42 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

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By hubby - 8/10/2013 17:57 - United States

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

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By pepsifoot - 16/4/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

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By Egtat216 - 29/7/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

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By SMV - 11/11/2008 06:53 - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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By nickern - 8/2/2012 00:13 - Australia

Today, I was willing to sit behind a truck doing 10km/h just to hear an interview with Robbie Williams on the radio. FML

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By petty petty petty - 8/9/2017 16:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

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By so so old now - 16/9/2014 23:23 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my co-workers threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. After lighting sparklers on the cake and singing happy birthday, we all enjoyed a few moments of sparkly, happy fun time. Then the building's fire alarm tripped and over 200 people had to be evacuated. FML

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By badsitter - 5/4/2018 19:00

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

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Top comments

By Rainbowsareshiny | 0

#1984 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:35

hahahahahaha
take it easy on the guy. he fails but...it's technically not his fault
how could he have known that his ex wanted to ahem MAKE WHOOPIE? gosh lol

By feelslikeanoose | 0

#438 - Saturday 7 February 2009 1:44

you definately misused "abundantly" in this. Fail

Comments

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#184 - Thursday 5 February 2009 1:00

once to make you last longer, anymore than that then you're fucked, or not in your case. BAIL.

MrDanimal | 0

#1583831 - Friday 22 October 2010 3:09

I can do it 10 times n still get it up, so WTF?

btown1616 | 0

#2793139 - Thursday 30 June 2011 20:20

yea its easy to get it up after 3

farhil | 14

#3380466 - Monday 3 October 2011 4:50

And y'all have tried this...?

By feelslikeanoose | 0

#438 - Saturday 7 February 2009 1:44

you definately misused "abundantly" in this. Fail

lizamaphone | 6

#1320003 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:07

op deserves it for that (misusing "abundantly") and for calling sex "making whoopie"

lolfood | 24

#5506529 - Saturday 25 May 2013 17:52

Definitely* :|

carbivore | 10

#5897976 - Friday 28 March 2014 6:37

Making something "abundantly clear" is a pretty common phrase, I wouldn't call that a 'misuse.'

ILookAtFMLs | 13

#6534555 - Thursday 11 February 2016 20:24

What frightens me is how many up votes this has.

By Rainbowsareshiny | 0

#1984 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:35

hahahahahaha
take it easy on the guy. he fails but...it's technically not his fault
how could he have known that his ex wanted to ahem MAKE WHOOPIE? gosh lol

By 3lended7wice | 0

#2576 - Monday 16 February 2009 8:32

@ 4: you are probably a virgin.
@ 8: YES! exactly what i was thinking.

and this whole scenario is really a shame. though it more than likely saved you from some drama in the future.

chiddy_bang71 | 0

#2691433 - Thursday 16 June 2011 3:03

your responding to 8 but your 7.... can u see the future?!

NikkiFlysKites | 8

#2708224 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:19

I'm wondering the samething..

Se0ul_Fr3sh | 0

#2920961 - Monday 18 July 2011 11:27

That is weird... o.0

By beezy_slayer | 0

#15823 - Thursday 5 March 2009 8:09

yea really whoopie what are u 12? wow this isfunny

ilaaFML | 0

#1024460 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 2:32

come on, 12 year old's know better than that.

Already_Dead | 15

#6050070 - Thursday 28 August 2014 3:34

...And some 12 year olds can spell better than you. (Not implying that I am 12. I just had the common sense of using proper grammar at that age.)

By fhxokgra99 | 0

#17089 - Friday 6 March 2009 0:41

wow, you're a pussy.
you oviously have no kids and you're oviously not in high school.
I'm going to guess mid 40s used car salesmen no kids lives in a shitty apartment.
I got creative with this one.

Moneylover103 | 1

#4542753 - Saturday 9 June 2012 8:17

And you "ovisouly" can't spell and have no life whatsoever

ladykkay | 12

#6266011 - Saturday 18 April 2015 10:38

this guy^^^^^^^^
is awesome
@53

JohnnyDontCare | 11

#6478236 - Sunday 6 December 2015 1:17

And you're obviously a complete piece of shit

By Rrandommness | 0

#31710 - Saturday 14 March 2009 20:45

MASTURBATION FAIL you poor guy lol

By gukinator | 0

#36923 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 6:41

#8
u would say you jacked it thrice or you jacked it three times
not you jacked it thrice times
op- thats happened to me, it sux :[
thats why i never jack off when i have a gf, or if its like the middle of the day

SoFaded80 | 0

#522213 - Friday 28 August 2009 19:25

lol. i second this.

Moneylover103 | 1

#4542754 - Saturday 9 June 2012 8:18

Ummmm it's his EX-girlfriend!!!!!

Moneylover103 | 1

#4542757 - Saturday 9 June 2012 8:20

You dumb M. O. F. O.

By djtelekinesis | 0

#43774 - Friday 20 March 2009 0:06

Make whoopie? Are we watching Mallrats?

Just tell her you jacked off for a bit and you can eat her out for a while as compensation. You'll eventually get it back up.

By iamtenyearsago | 0

#83782 - Sunday 5 April 2009 7:12

Serves you right for saying "make whoopie."