Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns, and it hurts to sit. FML
Today, after a five day bout of severe chronic constipation, I decided to get some orange juice and increase my water intake. The good news is that I'm no longer constipated. The bad news is that I've got diarrhea now. FML
Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML
Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML
Today, I decided to start eating healthier, so I had fruit and yoghurt for breakfast and a chicken salad for lunch. My stomach violently rejected both meals in a fountain of vomit. I later ate a giant McDonald’s meal with no issue, and felt loads better. FML
Today, and ever since my fiance started eating apples instead of junk food, he now has horribly foul diarrhea every morning, and keeps insisting it's his body "flushing out the toxins." I'm about to rent a Porta Potty so our bathrooms don't smell like sewage. FML
Today, I've been sneezing and coughing and not feeling well, so I decided to go to the grocery store to get some bone broth and some orange juice. Shortly after grabbing the orange juice, I felt like I had to pass gas, except it wasn't gas, it was diarrhea. At 35 years-old I pooped my pants in the grocery store. FML
Today, in an effort to curb my drinking, I’ve tried eating an apple whenever I got the urge, which worked wonderfully for a couple of days, until the sudden influx of fiber in my diet caused me to violently shit myself miles from home. I was wearing shorts. FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I ate something that didn’t agree with me. Now I’m in the bathroom and my butthole is dry heaving. FML
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Top comments
saffy66 34
Are you sure something went bad? If you've been eating unhealthy and low fibre food, it may just be your body's response to the sudden influx of raw juice and fibre. Sometimes you need to start slow when making dietary changes. But good on you for doing something positive for your health.
xxDragonHeart_fml 10
You'll start a healthy lifestyle with clean intestines.
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Comments (71)
cutycat136 28
That's just getting started!! Don't you know why people who eat healthy are so thin?! Have to lose all that junk inside of you!! Where do you think that junk goes? Haha just kidding op, hope you're alright :)
apineapple 40
Well, OP, how do you like them apples?
Ikashy73 14
I don't know why, but the combination of that joke with your profile makes me laugh even more.
SweetIam 12
Don't let this stop you though! In the end you will be rewarded with how good you feel.
MelTheGreat 23
Feel the cleanse.
oobergoober89 16
A literal juice cleanse
Garrett2818 21
Damn I thought I was clever for coming up with a detox joke after reading this, guess everyone else did to.
greencurtains74 11
uhm did you wash the food before eating it? Maybe it had some bacteria. Or your body is so unused to healthy food it is temporarily freaking out.
spomdog 8
actually that means it works. doing Juice like that will clean out your system making you a part of the nearest toliet for awhile
maharb01 17
a lot of apple, especially if you're not used to it, will definitely schwack ya. that or haribo sugarless gummi bears
specktate 3
it's from the lake of oils in the food u ate