Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
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Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns, and it hurts to sit. FML
Today, after a five day bout of severe chronic constipation, I decided to get some orange juice and increase my water intake. The good news is that I'm no longer constipated. The bad news is that I've got diarrhea now. FML
Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML
Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML
Today, I decided to start eating healthier, so I had fruit and yoghurt for breakfast and a chicken salad for lunch. My stomach violently rejected both meals in a fountain of vomit. I later ate a giant McDonald’s meal with no issue, and felt loads better. FML
Today, and ever since my fiance started eating apples instead of junk food, he now has horribly foul diarrhea every morning, and keeps insisting it's his body "flushing out the toxins." I'm about to rent a Porta Potty so our bathrooms don't smell like sewage. FML
Today, I've been sneezing and coughing and not feeling well, so I decided to go to the grocery store to get some bone broth and some orange juice. Shortly after grabbing the orange juice, I felt like I had to pass gas, except it wasn't gas, it was diarrhea. At 35 years-old I pooped my pants in the grocery store. FML
Today, in an effort to curb my drinking, I’ve tried eating an apple whenever I got the urge, which worked wonderfully for a couple of days, until the sudden influx of fiber in my diet caused me to violently shit myself miles from home. I was wearing shorts. FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I ate something that didn’t agree with me. Now I’m in the bathroom and my butthole is dry heaving. FML
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Top comments
saffy66 34
Are you sure something went bad? If you've been eating unhealthy and low fibre food, it may just be your body's response to the sudden influx of raw juice and fibre. Sometimes you need to start slow when making dietary changes. But good on you for doing something positive for your health.
xxDragonHeart_fml 10
You'll start a healthy lifestyle with clean intestines.
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Comments (71)
asherm 15
That's one way to lose weight.
zkb 6
Peas are Green. Carrots are Orange. They mustn't touch.
Gabilliam 19
It all started with the peas, you see...
henrylikestreats 22
Lesson learned: don't trust carrots.
seriouslygrowup 11
This is what you get if you drink a lot of juice. Why were you surprised? My 3 year old learned this the hard way. Lots of orange juice makes his asshole explode too
simsgirlgem 25
something may have went bad but Apples are a natural laxative that's why they suggest apple juice when you're constipated
rec_chem 22
That's from the pectin in the apples. Happens to me from drinking too much regular Apple juice.
Lucyisin 8
I know your pain, my body did the same when I changed my diet for the better. Hopefully it will improve in the next few days. I had luck with adding yogurt to help keep the good intestinal bacteria balanced. Good luck with your new eating habits!
shitcreeksurvr 13
Maybe it was a cleanse recipe ?
Drosophila82 18
Hahaha hahaha
steam_engenius 21
Well...Apples are a diuretic :/ That could be the reason