Health: Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency...

By Kayla - United States

Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML

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Health

My body, my choice

This is fine

Roommate from hell

By wtf_are_people_doing - 21/4/2020 23:00

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend for a walk. It's our anniversary, and I hadn't seen him in over a month because of the quarantine, so we agreed to meet, as long as we had the proper safety gear and were careful. On my way to meet him, I drove past a park. In it were twelve half-naked teenagers playing volleyball. FML

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By brokenhearted - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my boyfriend sent me so many nice texts that he made me fall in love with him that little bit more. It turns out he was sweetening me up before telling me he cheated on me the night before. FML

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By Jason199615 - United States - Marshfield

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

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By Grounded - United Kingdom

Today, my mother offered to pay for my tickets to go see my girlfriend who I haven't seen for 6 months. She was happy to pay for the £130 flight, but then refused half way through the purchase because she wasn't going to "let the buggers charge £13 extra" for using her credit card. FML

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By dreamer2639 - United States

Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML

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By notdrivinganytimesoon - United States - Richardson

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

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By emma - 24/12/2020 05:02

Memory low

Today, while my mom was explaining the house rules surrounding the towels, I took out a notepad and began taking notes. She snatched it away and threw it across the room. I need the notes or else I’ll forget. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Ouch

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML

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By nothing is sacred - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I caught my mom using my toothbrush and washcloth again, despite her having both her own bathroom and supplies. I asked her to please not use mine, to which she called me an ungrateful bitch. My dad agreed. Yet they wonder why I've been desperately saving money to move out. FML

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By secretagentsam00 - 31/3/2020 23:00

Thug life

Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML

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By Mack - United States

Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

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By sadface - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

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By Good tenant - United Kingdom - Consett

Today, my landlord increase my rent because of the "increased value of the flat". Why has the value increased? Because I decorated and replaced the broken fixtures. FML

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By CloroxDoggo - United States

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

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By BX - Netherlands

Today, I found out the hard way that if you spontaneously begin to lose weight, you may have cancer, not an increased metabolism. FML

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By drooooooool - United States

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend and I were acting out a kinky scenario at home, where we'd met in a club and were having a one night stand. We ended up getting into a real argument about an imaginary girl in the club. I didn't have sex and we haven't spoken since. FML

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By balancestrikesagain - United States

Today, I was getting onto an airplane and happened to admire the stewardess. I was walking onto the plane and was just about to talk to her when my foot slipped into the crack between the boarding ramp and the plane. Not only did she laugh as I limped to my seat but now I have bruised nuts. FML

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By fuckoffgramps - United States - New Freedom

Today, I twisted my knee while cutting firewood with my grandpa. The pain was so crippling, I fell over screaming. His response? "Quit your bitching, I had my kneecaps blown off in Vietnam. They had to stitch 'em back on." He's never been to Vietnam, or even out of the country. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 05:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Hedging your bets

Today, I realized I've been avoiding a doctor's visit for issues, because it might be less painful to go out that way than to see how much more a crapshoot 2021 would be. FML

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By my first job - Canada - Westerose

Today, after working for 12 hours in the cold rain on muddy terrain, my coordinator drove down a hill and didn't come back. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to walk two hours uphill back to HQ to find him there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor and I learned why fireworks are illegal in city limits. This lesson was learned shortly after a roman candle came crashing through my second story window. FML

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By cakestar9 - Ireland - Ennis

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

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By catfriend - United States - Salida

Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

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By HowAreYouAlive - United States - Ashburn

Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML

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By IRum - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - K?ge

Today, I came home from a business trip and was greeted by a foul smell. I soon found out my husband accidentally let the milk go bad by leaving it out all day, then tried to solve the problem by "balancing the temperatures" by putting it in the freezer. Oh honey, no. Just no. FML

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By uglyallover - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I was taking a stroll in our yard, when my mother decided it would be hilarious to run me down with her Segway. FML

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By Single4Life - United States

Today, my friend told me that she gave my number to a guy I've liked for a while. I asked why and she just said "He's just going to have to tell you himself." I got hopeful and really nervous. A few hours later he calls. Turns out, he's called to try and get a date with my gay friend. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

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By Mamaofdrama

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

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By Terminator101101 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to go to the Apple store and log me on to Facebook on every single computer. FML

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By Sidney - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in love with a girl on the internet, she's great and funny. She says she's 16, but everyone keeps telling me she's only 11 and that I'm a pedophile. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML

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By niii - France

Today, as I often do, I had a shag in my old car. I am 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we are still living at our parents' house. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my sister and my mother. While my mom was busy ordering food, my sister said to me, "look at this face I can make!" and she grossly contorted her face so that she had a double chin. My mother looked over and said to her, "stop making fun of your sister!" FML

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Top comments

By YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#4127348 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:51

That doctor is smooth like Keith stone.

By TheOnlyAlan | 0

#4127356 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:52

I'm in med school... I can't wait to use this some day.

COMMENTS

By YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#4127348 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:51

That doctor is smooth like Keith stone.

Trainspotting_fml | 9

#4127414 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:01

Did he throw on some Aviators and shout, "Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaah!" afterwards?

LookOnBrightSide | 12

#4127480 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:16

OP has to bear in mind that her doctor might be bi-polar. Ah, these puns are so grizzly, I almost feel bad.

hellbilly205 | 17

#4127484 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:17

Wow, what a beary clever doctor you have there, maybe it was Docbastard.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#4127555 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:43

Poor OP that beary sucks

iamyummylicious | 14

#4127885 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 12:50

Your pun doesn't work. Hmmm.

You're beary bad at making puns.

blackheart24 | 10

#4128208 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 15:30

Haha number 1's name is awesome.

acdc923 | 0

#4128327 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 16:14

Once I swallowed a nickel and the doctor said "Now that's not a way to save your money!"

ClassyCommando | 13

#4128479 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 16:59

"Indeed, it was simply unBEARable."

cheaptrix | 6

#4129400 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 22:05

At least OP didn't choke on pedo bear O.o

upsidedownfrownn | 5

#4130107 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 1:15

Haha. Your picture. Love it

XtraEzeee | 8

#4130260 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 1:58

If there was any more laughter PANDAmonium may arise

periwinkle95 | 10

#4130390 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 2:48

I bet that was embearassing, OP. But hey, I would have laughed about it myself if it happened to me!

Guren | 0

#4130518 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 3:45

You have to admit that was a koalaty joke

max_wilder | 9

#4130662 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 4:27

Always

power6053 | 4

#4130901 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 5:49

After choking you I would expect it to be a sour patch kid.

By jDCrackpot | 7

#4127354 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:52

I don't blame him for making a joke, I find it quite funny that you needed to go to the emergency room because of a gummy bear in the first place.

ColCyclone | 17

#4127491 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:19

It seems to me that this is more of a "mlia" kind of joke, because that was so clever considering all the stress he's put through during surgeries.

TexasJosh | 0

#4127827 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 12:30

I bet that Doctor uses FML, lol. Sounds like something an FML user would say in an attempt to be funny.

fymother | 13

#4127954 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 13:24

Maybe it was one of those five-pound gummy bears?

SuperKnuckels | 6

#4128723 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 18:12

well that was beary beary rude. :P

PenguinSwag47 | 0

#4130177 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 1:31

Yeah maybe they tried to eat one of those whole.

By TheOnlyAlan | 0

#4127356 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:52

I'm in med school... I can't wait to use this some day.

BeefyQueef | 5

#4128268 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 16:02

Use it on someone who has been mauled by a bear lolololol!!!!!11!!1!!1!!!!111111111111!! oneoneone

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4128827 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 18:46

^obvious troll

eb0ny | 15

#4129285 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 21:28

^ thanks for pointing that out cocknipples.

By ShansAl | 21

#4127363 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:54

Haha. Awesome doctor! Probably could have come up with something a little better though!

By someindiandude | 6

#4127365 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:54

Drinking some warm water to slightly soluate the gummy bear might have spared you this beary embarassment.

sadistmonkey | 19

#4127643 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 10:43

When you drink warm water (or anything for that matter) it passes through your esophagus, which probably not where the gummy bear was if the OP was choking on said gummy bear.