Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency...

By Kayla - 6/3/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML

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Health

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Vultures

Hello everyone!

By hooligyn123 - 4/9/2012 08:53 - United States

Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 19:44 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

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By Bobby ray slice - 22/8/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I went into a public bathroom and walked in on a guy checking his butt out in the mirror to see if he'd wiped properly. FML

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By SwedishBozo - 15/3/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, my family and I were at a restaurant. We're Swedish and love talking about people in our language because no one ever understands here. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and goes "Dra åt helvete." That's Swedish for "Go to hell." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 18:16 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML

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By MADfml - 26/2/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

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By Joey - 24/7/2012 05:04 - United States - Tampa

Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML

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By frustrated - 13/1/2013 06:39 - United States - Miami

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

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By turdburger - 2/9/2009 05:56 - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, the unhealthiest person I know, weighing in at around 350 pounds told me she was now a vegan. I then told her the Cheese-Itz, as well as the leather boots she was wearing wasn't vegan. She said I was wrong. I'm a nutritionist. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 15:38 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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By daddysjudy92 - 28/9/2018 14:00

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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By HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE - 9/12/2012 21:52 - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

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By notacreep - 6/7/2015 17:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while lifeguarding over children at work, I started thinking about my girlfriend and got a hard on. Before I realized it, I saved a kid and then hopped out of the pool next to a 5 year old in front of my managers and a little over 50 patrons with a raging boner. My HR meeting is tomorrow. FML

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By Ana - 14/8/2018 01:30

Today, while fighting with a girl I hate, my nose piercing got a little loose and I ended up snorting it in. That same girl had to take me to the hospital for surgery. She told everyone afterwards. FML

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By crazydog - 10/6/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2012 13:38 - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, I woke up to my drunk great grandfather peeing on my cat and thinking it was absolutely hysterical. This isn't the first time and he just moved in with me for the next six weeks. FML

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By Annonymous - 18/10/2012 14:41 - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2014 20:07 - Switzerland

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. Out of nowhere, a huge, apparently suicidal bird dove into the windshield, putting a crack in it. My father yelled at me as if it was my fault, and is demanding I pay for the repairs. FML

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By whorica139 - 2/9/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I told my friend over videochat every explicit detail of what I had in store for my boyfriend later on in the day. I only realized afterwards that her whispering during the story was her way of trying to tell me her dad was in the room listening to the whole thing. FML

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By Can’t Cope - 19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

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By dtack2tack - 9/7/2015 13:42 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his boss so he could get a promotion and "provide" for us. This from the guy who made me quit my job because he said he made enough money to support us both. FML

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By EFFFF - 8/10/2011 22:10 - United States

Today, the ex who I'm still in love with told me he wishes we could be together, but that first I really need to get over the fact that he already has a wife and kids. FML

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By priceycommute - 19/8/2017 04:33

Today, after rushing to the bus stop and frantically boarding at the last possible second, I realized that I didn't pay my fare with a single, but a twenty. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2010 22:56 - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

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By longtriphome - 15/7/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I met my long distance girlfriend after two years of being separated by 900 miles. She brought her short distance boyfriend to the meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 12:00 - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend meeting all of his friends for the first time. My boyfriend went into the kitchen to get me a drink, and after ten minutes I went looking for him. I discovered his friend holding two melons to his chest, mid explanation on how they look exactly like mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 18:00 - United Kingdom - London

To each their own

Today, taking a piss still gives me more pleasure than masturbation or sex. FML

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By estephi - 9/2/2010 08:14 - France

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that the only reason he's with me is because I'm a good tattoo artist and he's too broke to pay for his own tattoos. We've been together for two years. FML

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By Oh_baby - 10/6/2009 17:35 - United States

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

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By Dgama - 17/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

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By dumb mother - 31/1/2012 02:34 - United States

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML

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By sydthekid2000 - 23/3/2020 20:08

Remember me?

Today, I called my workplace to ask if I was going to be working, and if our store would be open. I was told that yes, we're still open, however, I can order inside, but I can’t sit in the dining room. They thought I was a customer. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 16:00

Dr House

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

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By MorganRox26 - 31/12/2010 16:52 - Canada

Today, I was looking through pictures on Facebook. There was a picture of me and my friends with the caption "I love you guys!" below. I had been cropped out. FML

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By someoneneedsassistance - 24/4/2015 15:07 - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

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By choup - 7/11/2008 21:02 - Australia

Today, I went to have a drink with my friend. On the way I withdrew 20 bucks and when I arrived at the bar I realised I had taken my credit card but not the banknote. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 00:39 - United States

Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

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Top comments

By YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#4127348 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:51

That doctor is smooth like Keith stone.

By TheOnlyAlan | 0

#4127356 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:52

I'm in med school... I can't wait to use this some day.

COMMENTS

By YdoIhaveAchode | 4

#4127348 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:51

That doctor is smooth like Keith stone.

Trainspotting_fml | 9

#4127414 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:01

Did he throw on some Aviators and shout, "Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaah!" afterwards?

LookOnBrightSide | 12

#4127480 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:16

OP has to bear in mind that her doctor might be bi-polar. Ah, these puns are so grizzly, I almost feel bad.

hellbilly205 | 17

#4127484 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:17

Wow, what a beary clever doctor you have there, maybe it was Docbastard.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#4127555 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:43

Poor OP that beary sucks

iamyummylicious | 14

#4127885 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 12:50

Your pun doesn't work. Hmmm.

You're beary bad at making puns.

blackheart24 | 10

#4128208 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 15:30

Haha number 1's name is awesome.

acdc923 | 0

#4128327 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 16:14

Once I swallowed a nickel and the doctor said "Now that's not a way to save your money!"

ClassyCommando | 13

#4128479 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 16:59

"Indeed, it was simply unBEARable."

cheaptrix | 6

#4129400 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 22:05

At least OP didn't choke on pedo bear O.o

upsidedownfrownn | 5

#4130107 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 1:15

Haha. Your picture. Love it

XtraEzeee | 8

#4130260 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 1:58

If there was any more laughter PANDAmonium may arise

periwinkle95 | 10

#4130390 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 2:48

I bet that was embearassing, OP. But hey, I would have laughed about it myself if it happened to me!

Guren | 0

#4130518 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 3:45

You have to admit that was a koalaty joke

max_wilder | 9

#4130662 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 4:27

Always

power6053 | 4

#4130901 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 5:49

After choking you I would expect it to be a sour patch kid.

By jDCrackpot | 7

#4127354 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:52

I don't blame him for making a joke, I find it quite funny that you needed to go to the emergency room because of a gummy bear in the first place.

ColCyclone | 17

#4127491 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 9:19

It seems to me that this is more of a "mlia" kind of joke, because that was so clever considering all the stress he's put through during surgeries.

TexasJosh | 0

#4127827 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 12:30

I bet that Doctor uses FML, lol. Sounds like something an FML user would say in an attempt to be funny.

fymother | 13

#4127954 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 13:24

Maybe it was one of those five-pound gummy bears?

SuperKnuckels | 6

#4128723 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 18:12

well that was beary beary rude. :P

PenguinSwag47 | 0

#4130177 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 1:31

Yeah maybe they tried to eat one of those whole.

By TheOnlyAlan | 0

#4127356 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:52

I'm in med school... I can't wait to use this some day.

BeefyQueef | 5

#4128268 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 16:02

Use it on someone who has been mauled by a bear lolololol!!!!!11!!1!!1!!!!111111111111!! oneoneone

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4128827 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 18:46

^obvious troll

eb0ny | 15

#4129285 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 21:28

^ thanks for pointing that out cocknipples.

By ShansAl | 21

#4127363 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:54

Haha. Awesome doctor! Probably could have come up with something a little better though!

By someindiandude | 6

#4127365 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 8:54

Drinking some warm water to slightly soluate the gummy bear might have spared you this beary embarassment.

sadistmonkey | 19

#4127643 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 10:43

When you drink warm water (or anything for that matter) it passes through your esophagus, which probably not where the gummy bear was if the OP was choking on said gummy bear.