Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught... - FML

By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 00:39 - United States

Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

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The best cat

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Assumptions

By i guess - 3/5/2014 00:03 - United States - Hamilton

Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML

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By no life to fuck :/ - 30/8/2013 23:37 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I found out that my grandma is a well-loved member of a notorious biker gang. Meanwhile, I'm a 32-year-old, single, minimum-wage nobody with no friends to speak of. She's probably getting more action than I ever will. FML

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By full bladder - 28/4/2015 22:39 - United States - Valrico

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

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By wronged - 8/7/2011 08:41 - Singapore

Today, my extremely paranoid boyfriend called me a whore and threatened to break up with me, all because he had a dream in which I had sex with my ex. I'm still a virgin. FML

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By friend loves a gay guy... - 23/9/2013 20:49 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

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By tay - 17/9/2013 15:44 - Canada - Erin

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 13:17 - United States - Waldorf

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four month old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 23:12 - Canada

Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML

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By AwwChute - 21/2/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

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By Freechbear - 17/9/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML

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By Dang-ItsDanielle - 7/3/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

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By Miss_Blaine - 29/6/2016 20:05 - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

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By legallyblondemad - 29/8/2009 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the park with my new boyfriend. We were sitting between some trees, when some of his mates turned up at the park. He pushed me behind a tree so his mates wouldn't see and went to join them in a game of football. He pretended not to know me. FML

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By itsme - 8/7/2019 04:00

Today, we got a letter regarding my sister's college career and an appointment she was required to go to. This seems fitting, since she's a senior in high school, or at least she would be if she hadn't passed away a little over a year ago. FML

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By Vomit - 17/12/2018 05:00

Today, we had a patient projectile vomiting in our ambulance. I didn't know she had puked on our cot until I found it with my bare hand at the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 10:16 - United States

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML

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By chickenflavouredlaptop - 9/4/2018 01:30

Today, I received my new laptop in the mail and put it on the kitchen counter, where my family charges all our electronics. My mom then decided to make soup and spilt chicken broth all over my new laptop before I even got the chance to turn it on. FML

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By Jesska - 3/9/2010 19:59 - United States

Today, I was applying Icy Hot. I squeezed the bottle too hard making it squirt in my eye. I ran to the bathroom in agony, turned on the faucet, and slammed my face right into it. FML

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By alycion - 4/5/2019 12:00

Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML

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By Murphy's law - 13/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

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By Rick - 14/3/2010 13:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in a river with a £700 camera, a £200 lens, and an iPhone while trying to rescue a 50 pence ball for my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 23:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

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By MSguy - 27/8/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

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By tenniemo - 12/1/2019 04:00

Today, like for the last year, I’ve been on Tinder. I was having a great conversation with a man and we were planning a date for next week when he asked for my number. When I politely responded that I’d rather wait to exchange numbers after meeting in person, he blocked me. FML

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By twiggy24 - 5/2/2012 02:51 - United States

Today, I learned that my "cash back rewards" for credit card purchases are mailed with the monthly statement. The same monthly statement that goes straight into the shredder or fireplace because I prefer to do my banking online. FML

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By _Asykes_ - 25/11/2015 00:56

Today, I started a new school, after moving from England to New York. People only talked to me just to hear my accent. FML

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By gng2fckngkilluyoufckngfckr - 3/8/2012 18:31 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML

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By juanjohnfml - 11/8/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I bought a $300 gym membership that gives me access to the company's non-premium gyms. The non-premium gyms are all closed due to construction, because they're being turned into premium gyms. FML

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By krray - 11/3/2017 22:00

Suspense

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML

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By parentfail - 11/12/2010 14:44 - United Kingdom

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 20:24 - France - Paris

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." 5ML

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By Shelling Ford - 25/8/2015 11:55 - Germany - Munich

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, I overheard my dad telling his work buddy that he's disappointed in his kid. I assumed he meant my brother, for flunking out of school. He meant me, for quitting sports to focus on my studies. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 16:00

Today, I was at my job as a dental assistant and I was told to take an X-ray of a woman's teeth. As soon as I put the foam piece into her mouth, she projectile-vomited all over me and the floor. I had just started my 5-hour shift. FML

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By Isoneedtomove - 9/11/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I received an email from a shipping company telling me they had dropped off a package of expensive electronics at the front door. Too bad someone stole it before I made it to the door. FML

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By moetplease - 3/5/2012 16:32 - Singapore

Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML

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By 12incher - 15/3/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

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By greg - 14/2/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Knoxville

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

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By really?! - 22/3/2020 06:30

Troll level 3000

Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML

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Top comments

By xSonic | 9

#5096711 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:45

Right....filing down your nails. Mmhmm

By SkoomaKi | 27

#5096770 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:54

That's a good cover story OP, but we know that you were twiddling your twaddle.

We know.

Comments

By xSonic | 9

#5096711 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:45

Right....filing down your nails. Mmhmm

Reply

iOceanus | 18

#5097761 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 17:00

Future exhibitionist!

Reply

imavelociraptor | 6

#5098122 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 19:55

Also.. If OP is a male, his nails shouldn't be long enough to break off anyway...

By CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5096730 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:47

Isn't there other parts of your jeans to rub on?

Reply

RBntM | 10

#5096924 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:57

Maybe OP wanted to file his/her nail and rub his/her parts at the same time

Reply

dashizam | 10

#5097124 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:48

Short shorts.

Reply

siickman | 7

#5097300 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 13:30

11 is right. Saves time.

Reply

MoodyBlue320 | 11

#5097433 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 14:41

Who wears short-shorts? Op wears short shorts.(It's a chant)

Reply

iamabamf | 17

#5098263 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 21:37

Who's a dumbass? You're a dumbass. Oh, sorry, I was continuing the chant.

By kellygirl83 | 11

#5096738 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:48

Why were you rubbing any where near that area? Side of your leg should have been enough.

Reply

prioo | 6

#5096797 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:59

Maybe OP was using their zipper as a nail file.

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5096875 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:29

6 - I've done that before. Only made things worse.

Reply

S182 | 15

#5097128 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:56

Op never stated that she wasn't doing it on the side of her leg... Sometimes people are just nosy bitches and spread rumors when they don't know what is going on. Or, just to be an ass, someone could've told the teacher knowing full and well that she wasn't masturbating.

Reply

kobelstone23 | 13

#5107192 - Friday 2 November 2012 6:55

Because when sitting in a school desk the most available spot to rest your hand, much less file your nail is your upper thigh....

By SkoomaKi | 27

#5096770 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:54

That's a good cover story OP, but we know that you were twiddling your twaddle.

We know.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5096975 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 10:19

Or twaddling the twiddle....

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5096980 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 10:22

4, Is "twaddle" the term used for both men and womens' private areas? Or are you assuming it is a guy or girl? FMLers, please don't attack me, I'm really curious and feel out of the loop if that word has been being used and this is my first time seeing reading/hearing it.

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5097079 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:18

14- it's a made up word and we're not sure whether OP is male or female.

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5098312 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 21:57

Damn, 18! I really wanna thumb up your comment!

Reply

LiterOfCola | 16

#5098731 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 23:12

Twittle the twat is the actual expression

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5098781 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 23:18

Thanks 18. I can't just thumb you up to say I like your comment.

Reply

mariah3269 | 4

#5111917 - Saturday 3 November 2012 22:25

It's only for female parts lol like twat ha

By prioo | 6

#5096782 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:56

Stop by your local dollar store and pick up a nail file. Your jeans probably didn't help much with filing them down anyway.

By cis1den | 0

#5096802 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:00

**No way out of this one, Just say you had a stiffer this Morning!

By jpoole | 4

#5096822 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:07

Well tell them that "certain things" need to be done to the privates. We must be SATISFIED!

By 007type | 26

#5096856 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:20

Well, you were rubbing one out nonetheless. ;)

Reply

kut17 | 11

#5097662 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 16:24

He was getting off...a broken nail.

By ICastillo | 24

#5096973 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 10:17

Is that what they call it now a days "filing down a nail".

By HughHolmes | 10

#5097018 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 10:38

you probably was rubbing that standing on your bench ,right ?