Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught... - FML

By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 00:39 - United States

Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

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Healthy relationship

All for nothing

Race against the clock

By Anonymous - 28/1/2017 02:00

Today, we found out the god-awful smell in our truck was actually coming from the whole uncooked chicken I thought the store forgot to ring up over 2 weeks ago. It had fallen out of the bag and under the passenger seat. FML

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By tsukinoie - 2/2/2014 06:33 - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

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By stillloverher - 19/9/2017 23:45

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

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By WastedTime - 7/8/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML

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By meens42 - 30/9/2013 08:04 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to stop calling him "dad" because it’s too weird for his girlfriend’s kids to hear, because they call him dad. FML

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By livingonmyownfromnowon - 13/9/2016 06:38 - United States - Olivehurst

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

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By minnEmouse - 21/6/2011 02:40 - United States

Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML

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By ApparentlyATerribleDaughter - 12/8/2018 15:00

Today, while I took my dog out, my mother began to cook, took a Xanax, locked the doors, and knocked out. When I managed to get in, I called the paramedics because she was in the smoke for at least an hour. When she became conscious, she blamed me for everything. FML

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By yearbook369 - 25/6/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, my school year book awarded "cutest couple" to my boyfriend and I. We broke up yesterday. FML

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By Username - 12/5/2011 06:17

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

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By Leash - 23/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

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By Hellau - 29/12/2009 10:56 - France

Today, I was baby-sitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two hour struggle, I finally manage to get them into bed. I then ask them what they want before going to sleep, and the eldest replies: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I was called ugly and viciously ridiculed by a couple of teenage girls. They were wearing uggs and vests that made them look like a freak-show of bleached pomeranians. FML

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By ProAwkward - 18/6/2013 04:07 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, as I was walking home, I noticed a man and a woman arguing in their driveway. To avoid an awkward situation, I crossed the street. I then had to walk past a creepy guy watering his plants in his underwear while looking directly at me. FML

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By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie - 9/5/2017 00:00

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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By Freechbear - 17/9/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2014 17:07 - Canada - Cranbrook

Today, disappointed with my results on a mathematics test, I went over it and realized my teacher had added up the marks incorrectly, leaving me with 17% less than I earned. The person who's supposed to be teaching me math can't even perform basic arithmetic. FML

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By kumcat - 11/1/2015 05:57 - United States - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

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By bringthemback - 29/3/2014 10:34 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boss decided to have the whole staff drug tested and fire everyone who failed. Out of an original staff of 14 people, only my boss, two coworkers and I remain. I now have four times my normal workload and am seriously thinking maybe I should've said "Yes" to drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 23:06 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to convert to Christianity. Not because she has a strong relation with God, but because she wants to post Facebook statuses about Him and "get a lot of likes." FML

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By emmey - 23/7/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

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By occam's pube-razor - 5/9/2015 04:26 - United States - Buena Vista

Today, I parked my car, went to pay for my spot, and returned to my car only to find a parking violation ticket tucked under the windshield wipers. This all happened in less than a minute. FML

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By anonymous - 8/1/2012 12:24 - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

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By Mintilou - 8/4/2016 03:17 - United Kingdom - Wednesbury

Today, like everyday, I got on the train heading back from my university campus in Preston. Usually, it takes 20 minutes. When I sat down, I realised it was a non-stop service to Glasgow and the doors had closed. It took me 7 hours by train and a lift from my best friend at 2 a.m. to get home. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2013 14:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

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By DroppedTheSoap - 26/4/2019 04:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped the body wash bottle. The pump grazed my nipple, making it bleed. As if that didn't kill the mood, I now have a Star Wars bandaid on my boob. FML

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By oldschool - 23/1/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 15:11 - United States

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

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By Sorry? - 2/12/2016 03:54 - United States

Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both whispered, "Sorry." Our teacher promptly gave us detention and a 0% on the test for talking. Sorry for being sorry? FML

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By manderpander21 - 17/3/2015 00:56 - United States - Bronx

Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML

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By Username - 14/3/2011 06:53

Today, my ex-girlfriend moved out. I came back to a sparsely furnished home, she even took the shower head, my beard trimmer, and the soap from the bathroom. FML

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By beep_guacamole - 24/5/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I went to the laundromat. I put a load in the dryer and walked away to check on my other load. When I came back, I saw a homeless man putting his dirty, wet underwear in the dryer with my clean clothes. FML

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By nicole - 22/9/2011 10:31 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML

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By wow. - 5/5/2014 03:18 - United States - Chicago

Today, I let my sister use my phone to play music in the shower, expecting her to use the speakers I have. She used a ziplock bag with a hole in it to connect her headphones. Now I have a waterlogged phone and my sister still doesn't understand why it didn't work. FML

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By gas money - 22/11/2015 04:34 - United States - Reno

Today, I found $100 on the ground. My mom is taking $40 because she was there. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

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By sadass - 23/1/2009 12:04 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that my feet smell. He was in the next room at the time. FML

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By cunting cuntface of a boss - 25/2/2014 20:42 - Australia

Today, I had to proofread a document my boss had written. When I pointed out that he spelled "college" as "collage" multiple times, he angrily accused me of trying to make him look stupid. This is the guy who constantly boasts about his "genius" IQ level to the whole office. FML

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By anonymous - 18/7/2012 04:02 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I auditioned for the role of Rizzo in a local production of Grease. The director told me I wasn't tough enough, and that my persona too sweet and childlike for the part. I asked if I should instead try out to play Sandy. He replied "I was being nice. Honestly, you're ugly and can't act." FML

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By Latina - 11/1/2013 10:24 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML

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Top comments

By xSonic | 9

#5096711 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:45

Right....filing down your nails. Mmhmm

By SkoomaKi | 27

#5096770 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:54

That's a good cover story OP, but we know that you were twiddling your twaddle.

We know.

COMMENTS

By xSonic | 9

#5096711 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:45

Right....filing down your nails. Mmhmm

Reply

iOceanus | 18

#5097761 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 17:00

Future exhibitionist!

Reply

imavelociraptor | 6

#5098122 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 19:55

Also.. If OP is a male, his nails shouldn't be long enough to break off anyway...

By CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5096730 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:47

Isn't there other parts of your jeans to rub on?

Reply

RBntM | 10

#5096924 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:57

Maybe OP wanted to file his/her nail and rub his/her parts at the same time

Reply

dashizam | 10

#5097124 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:48

Short shorts.

Reply

siickman | 7

#5097300 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 13:30

11 is right. Saves time.

Reply

MoodyBlue320 | 11

#5097433 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 14:41

Who wears short-shorts? Op wears short shorts.(It's a chant)

Reply

iamabamf | 17

#5098263 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 21:37

Who's a dumbass? You're a dumbass. Oh, sorry, I was continuing the chant.

By kellygirl83 | 11

#5096738 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:48

Why were you rubbing any where near that area? Side of your leg should have been enough.

Reply

prioo | 6

#5096797 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:59

Maybe OP was using their zipper as a nail file.

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5096875 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:29

6 - I've done that before. Only made things worse.

Reply

S182 | 15

#5097128 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:56

Op never stated that she wasn't doing it on the side of her leg... Sometimes people are just nosy bitches and spread rumors when they don't know what is going on. Or, just to be an ass, someone could've told the teacher knowing full and well that she wasn't masturbating.

Reply

kobelstone23 | 13

#5107192 - Friday 2 November 2012 6:55

Because when sitting in a school desk the most available spot to rest your hand, much less file your nail is your upper thigh....

By SkoomaKi | 27

#5096770 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:54

That's a good cover story OP, but we know that you were twiddling your twaddle.

We know.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5096975 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 10:19

Or twaddling the twiddle....

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5096980 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 10:22

4, Is "twaddle" the term used for both men and womens' private areas? Or are you assuming it is a guy or girl? FMLers, please don't attack me, I'm really curious and feel out of the loop if that word has been being used and this is my first time seeing reading/hearing it.

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5097079 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:18

14- it's a made up word and we're not sure whether OP is male or female.

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5098312 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 21:57

Damn, 18! I really wanna thumb up your comment!

Reply

LiterOfCola | 16

#5098731 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 23:12

Twittle the twat is the actual expression

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5098781 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 23:18

Thanks 18. I can't just thumb you up to say I like your comment.

Reply

mariah3269 | 4

#5111917 - Saturday 3 November 2012 22:25

It's only for female parts lol like twat ha

By prioo | 6

#5096782 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:56

Stop by your local dollar store and pick up a nail file. Your jeans probably didn't help much with filing them down anyway.

By cis1den | 0

#5096802 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:00

**No way out of this one, Just say you had a stiffer this Morning!

By jpoole | 4

#5096822 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:07

Well tell them that "certain things" need to be done to the privates. We must be SATISFIED!

By 007type | 26

#5096856 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 9:20

Well, you were rubbing one out nonetheless. ;)

Reply

kut17 | 11

#5097662 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 16:24

He was getting off...a broken nail.

By ICastillo | 24

#5096973 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 10:17

Is that what they call it now a days "filing down a nail".

By HughHolmes | 10

#5097018 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 10:38

you probably was rubbing that standing on your bench ,right ?