Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting...

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 17:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting really into this one song, I grabbed onto the nearest thing as a makeshift microphone. It happened to be the hot end of my curling iron. FML

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Miscellaneous

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Fairytale ending

Abuse

By LockedOut - 25/7/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

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By no one - 2/6/2020 14:00

Crucial information

Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

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By angie429 - 27/11/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to my family's traditional late Thanksgiving dinner. While eating, my mom brought up celebrity infidelity. My grandpa ended up looking me in the eye and saying, "Look Angie, sometimes what a man has just isn't enough. When that happens, cheating is forgiveable." FML

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By Neversleepingthereagain - 28/2/2013 19:00 - United States - Manchester

Today, during a sleepover at my friend's house, I woke up in the middle of the night with a dire need to pee. As I walked in the dark to the bathroom, I saw a silhouette in a doorway and instictively screamed. Turns out it was my friend's sister's One Direction cutout. FML

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By hatemyjob - 23/6/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

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By fthislyfe - 2/7/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2012 22:06 - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

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By kstaa - 10/2/2010 11:47 - Australia

Today, I was sitting on the train wondering what that putrid smell was. As I got off the train I realized there was vomit all over the back of my seat. FML

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By TheComedyAudio - 6/4/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

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By anonymous - 31/3/2015 16:47 - United States - Denver

Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 05:47 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 17:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML

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By ohmygoodness - 2/3/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By benji - 1/11/2011 19:02 - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 12:00 - Croatia

Family values

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

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By Telley21 - 16/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Rexburg

He had to find out eventually!

Today, I made my boyfriend a beautiful dinner of seafood and rice. This was the first time I could afford lobster, and thought it would be a great treat for us both. I learned that this was the first time he has eaten lobster, and he learned that he is allergic. FML

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By yvon la moto - 6/11/2015 10:26 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 21:34 - Netherlands - Tilburg

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

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By Central - 29/10/2019 12:00

Mom of the century

Today, I've not had any contact with my mother for years, and when tornadoes came through our hometown and wiped out most of our downtown area, she didn't contact me at all. I finally contacted her myself. Her reason for not contacting me? She had "watched the news" and "knew I was OK." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2016 05:06

Today, our family reunion began with my sister calling my brother's current crazy girlfriend by his last crazy girlfriend's name and ended with my dad telling my adopted niece that he wanted a family picture without her in it, but she could be in the next one. FML

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By hailey - 10/12/2012 05:10 - United States - Bethesda

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

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By TrappedInSchool - 28/7/2018 12:30 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML

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By Chris Altenbach - 23/2/2010 20:55 - United States

Today, I got off from work and noticed that the weather finally warmed up after the recent snowstorm. I hopped into my car and rolled down the windows. When I opened the sun roof, a foot of snow came falling into my car. FML

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By ooops - 4/8/2012 16:06 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 17:29 - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 10:57 - Singapore

Today, my co-worker insisted there must be an underlying, romantic reason for why I spend so much time teaching him everything, and that I didn't mean it when I told him that's what I'm paid to do. I'm actually supposed to train this guy for three weeks. Two more weeks to go. FML

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By Username - 25/1/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that you need to clean your car more often when you find a mouldy burrito under the back seat. FML

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By Stuck - 15/7/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

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By fuck off, for real - 3/4/2016 13:26 - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 09:40 - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 23:47 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML

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By Username - 13/4/2011 07:05

Today, I got attacked by my own dog. I don't know what will be harder, telling everyone how my dog thought I was a robber or explaining to them why a 25 year old man owns a poodle. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I was in the grocery store getting bananas and there was this real hot guy next to me. He said, "Hey beautiful" so I smiled. He then asked if I was free on Friday night. I smiled and said, "Yes, why do you ask?" He looked up from the bananas and pointed to the bluetooth in his ear. FML

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By i tried so hard - 8/1/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 05:55 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

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By Fatty Fatty Fatso - 5/5/2013 00:41 - United States - Somers

Today, I learned that my mother counts my jeans as two pairs when she counts how many she's putting in for a load of wash. I've gotten that fat. FML

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By Coco - 19/4/2016 20:58 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

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Top comments

By unidentified_sta | 5

#1760977 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:16

It is a sign, please never pick up a microphone.

By smashgrab | 0

#1761053 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:32

YDI for blaring your music & disturbing your neighbors, wasting time by dancing around like an idiot, not looking at what you are picking up before you grab a hot curling iron, and being a moron. For the sake of mankind, do not reproduce. Ever.

COMMENTS

By iheart | 0

#1760949 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:10

wow...fail

smashgrab | 0

#1761053 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:32

thisgirl2u | 9

#1761058 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:33

Oh thank you, your comment literally made me laugh.

rallets | 22

#1761219 - Sunday 28 November 2010 0:14

meh

KingDingALing | 9

#1761277 - Sunday 28 November 2010 0:25

Really? It made you laugh? It actually made me shit my brains out, making me feel like I just sniffed a sharpie marker for an hour.

kittycatman2 | 3

#1761390 - Sunday 28 November 2010 0:57

I think you said it all. Yep, I think that's it.

WhatTheFuq | 0

#1761465 - Sunday 28 November 2010 1:29

Well 15 pretty much explained it all no need to comment on ops stupidity. How is everyone one?

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1761781 - Sunday 28 November 2010 2:38

ke$ha has the same affect on me...

Zya_fml | 8

#1762343 - Sunday 28 November 2010 5:45

and I was like baby, baby, baby oohhaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHH...!!!

mcgugs | 0

#1762398 - Sunday 28 November 2010 6:10

so glad I play drums and not lead vocals lol...

blankaex | 0

#1763929 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:04

YDI for listening to music with lyrics.

_LE4RN_ | 4

#4189364 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 4:06

You just leave youe curling iron on?

By IntoTheClouds | 42

#1760960 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:14

YDI

Mirelly13 | 6

#1761387 - Sunday 28 November 2010 0:56

The mental picture made my day go from this ): to this XD, followed by an LOL, a LMAO, an a lil bit of ROFL (:

xelle_garfieldx | 12

#5611891 - Sunday 4 August 2013 0:50

is your name Britney furlan?

By iEmily | 0

#1760962 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:15

ur a idiotz

redbluegreen | 40

#1761046 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:31

You're illiterate.

smashgrab | 0

#1761068 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:36

You're slowly killing my brain just by existing. Please die.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#1761164 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:59

I just want to go back in time and fucking cockblock your dad.

By stevenmx86 | 7

#1760966 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:15

How have people become so stupid m

By Wizardroxx | 3

#1760972 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:16

Lol FYL. I can't imagine how painful it is the few 2 minutes.

By unidentified_sta | 5

#1760977 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:16

It is a sign, please never pick up a microphone.

deviedev123 | 0

#1762292 - Sunday 28 November 2010 5:23

hahahah good one^^
but OUCH!!!

By Medicine | 0

#1760988 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:17

Awareness, haha.

By jess2gd4u | 0

#1760995 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:19

ooouucchh!!

By AthinaMarie | 0

#1761006 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:20

Ouch. It's always a good idea to look first before you grab something. haha JUST saying.

By sasonzal | 4

#1761025 - Saturday 27 November 2010 23:24

you can't declare win on your own comment,you need to wait for random people to do so,and it isn't that funny