Today, I ate at a friend's house. Her 5-year-old son, who was...

By mimo - 14/11/2008 04:16 - France

Today, I ate at a friend's house. Her 5-year-old son, who was at the table with us, looked at me and said quietly, "You're ugly." My friend told him off, causing him to cry, and shout, "But she isn't pretty!" FML

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Kids

White line fever

Face value

Double standards

By stressedandcrowded - 5/2/2011 16:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my sister is going to spend the last two months of her pregancy in my house to be with my mother. She's bringing with her her three wild children. The visit also happens to coincide with my end of year examinations in May and June. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I saw a weight loss 'before and after' advertisement and I wished I could at least look like the 'before'. FML

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By Cacahuete - 28/12/2013 14:46 - France - Villejuif

Today, a DJ friend of mine offered me a part in one of his tracks. I was flattered, and accepted. All I ended up singing was, "I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch" over and over again in the background. FML

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By Mel Ancholy - 18/2/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML

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By lisa - 22/12/2010 18:03 - United States

Today, my recently married friend took off her wedding ring to make bread. Being single and pathetic, I tried it on to see what it would look like. It got stuck on my finger. The ER doctor had to cut it off. FML

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By speed-dialing dr kevorkian - 27/2/2016 07:25 - United States - Two Rivers

Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML

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By zaneey - 17/1/2009 18:41 - Australia

Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 14:39 - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 15:20 - United States

Today, my husband was planning on getting me my favorite movie as an anniversary present; I ended up buying it. He had to give me the money and leave because he is severely arachnophobic and couldn't even pick up the box. I have to hide the movie for fear of it being destroyed. Again. FML

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By zombieguyswife - 28/6/2012 23:44 - United States - Branson

Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML

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By potheadloljk - 2/12/2012 02:01 - United States - East Machias

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

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By f - 31/1/2011 05:47

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By paradox - 7/2/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I realized my best friend has had it off in my apartment more times than I have. FML

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By hungry - 12/2/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

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By Italian_Stallion - 16/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML

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By obeezy - 30/4/2009 19:56 - United States

Today, I didn't have any money to buy a tampon from the dispenser at my school but my hands are small enough so I can just slide them up and grab one. My hand got stuck in the dispenser and my school had to call the fire department. Now everyone calls me tampon girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

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By FMluck - 26/2/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 15:18 - United States

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

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By Sdutent - 1/3/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

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By madaskueuchiha - 8/8/2009 03:57 - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

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By Cracky - 27/11/2012 14:32 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

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By Shock - 21/3/2016 20:12 - United States - Littleton

Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML

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By ilu.xo - 13/1/2010 06:11 - Canada

Today, I found out the guy I've been seeing for 3 months lives at home with his parents. He's 30. They live in a '50+ only' housing complex and he sneaks in the side door. FML

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By Daughter of a Dork - 14/9/2018 17:30 - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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By TheDumper - 21/6/2012 10:02 - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By Idon'thave£12000 - 6/5/2019 16:00

Could go either way, really

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

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By Suzie Leone - 24/1/2012 03:21 - United States

Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML

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By Ves - 3/2/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

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By - 9/6/2019 05:56

Catfished!

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

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By extants - 11/2/2010 20:13 - United States

Today, I found out my broker invested my $6000 in the wrong stock. How did I find out? He called me to let me know the stock crashed. FML

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By batsu - 27/1/2012 06:48 - Canada

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 14:00 - United States

Paranoid much?

Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

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By WhitneyHouston - 6/7/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

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By WhoDoYouLove6208 - 11/10/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML

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By ladytyy - 27/7/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

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By anonymous - 16/10/2014 20:53 - United States - Canton

Today, I walked into my house and saw it was flooded. I went upstairs to the bathroom to see the toilet overflowing and my boyfriend holding my dog over it so he could drink it. My boyfriend said he didn't know what else to do. FML

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By blondessdoll - 4/5/2016 17:30 - United States

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

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By mhmm... cumsquats - 9/2/2013 23:26 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

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Top comments

By wafflemonger | 0

#485 - Saturday 7 February 2009 12:09

Just tell him Santa isn't real. That'll shut him up.

By DamnGoodTimes | 0

#5673 - Monday 23 February 2009 5:47

Shoulda thrown your plate across the room, broke the chair over your head, and yelled at him, "WHO THE FUCK ISN'T PRETTY?!??!!"

Comments

By wafflemonger | 0

#485 - Saturday 7 February 2009 12:09

Just tell him Santa isn't real. That'll shut him up.

nutbiscuit | 0

#474717 - Monday 10 August 2009 20:37

agreed. Tell him that santa isn't real, or even better - tell him that santa hates him.
I hate children like that, they always end up turning into brats and bullies at school.

matt5217 | 4

#982491 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 13:34

in soviet Russia, Santa is real!

Theatregeek788 | 0

#1006274 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 2:44

LMAO!!! hahaaa

Gorsbug823 | 0

#1023580 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 5:53

santas not real? :(

thatonek1d | 0

#1029662 - Sunday 13 June 2010 20:15

he's 5. he doesn't know much

izzie321 | 27

#5647598 - Wednesday 28 August 2013 16:06

This comment deserves a reward.

Boomi | 38

#6689549 - Wednesday 14 September 2016 17:48

As well as ruin his childhood.

By DamnGoodTimes | 0

#5673 - Monday 23 February 2009 5:47

Shoulda thrown your plate across the room, broke the chair over your head, and yelled at him, "WHO THE FUCK ISN'T PRETTY?!??!!"

babygurl91695 | 2

#2951145 - Friday 22 July 2011 12:37

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5611945 - Sunday 4 August 2013 2:49

Why is a comment with a hashtag upvoted? Blasphemy, I say!

By artykat | 0

#8923 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:13

Dude, why'd you narc on him?

Rach_star | 0

#501813 - Thursday 20 August 2009 15:54

Thats what i was thinking

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1588989 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:27

you apparently read it wrong

By colie_m_w | 0

#19598 - Saturday 7 March 2009 10:54

Wtf. I never said anything like that when I was a little kid.
I was taught these things called MANNERS.

ThatFunnyDude | 3

#2879297 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 3:50

and I ate these things called BANANNERS

By kalebb | 0

#36279 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:58

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Xmarshall16X | 5

#2457273 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 14:23

Wtf!? The kid was at the table with them!! OP didn't tell on the kid. His mom heard him.

crownlogic | 25

#3468300 - Friday 21 October 2011 23:50

It's not getting back at a kid by having the mother tell him he was wrong. It's also not OP's place to tell another person's child off, especially if that person is right there and capable of telling her own kid.