Today, I asked this really cute girl for her number. I had nothing... - FML

By gavinbanks - 21/7/2013 22:55 - United States - Medford

Today, I asked this really cute girl for her number. I had nothing else on me so I told her to write it on a dollar bill. Later, without thinking, I put it in a vending machine. I freaked out and frantically pushed the return button. It gave me back quarters. FML

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gavinbanks tells us more :

Hey everyone! Op here, thought I'd clear some things up. I had my phone on me but it was dead that night. I actually saw the girl again last night at another party, I told her the story and she have me her number again! Everything worked out for the best I guess, Thanks for the funny comments everyone!!!

Gas giant

Mr Sensitivity

This is fine

By mommy_issues - 29/8/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML

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By anonomys - 5/9/2011 19:19 - Canada

Today, my husband compared me to his parents' dog. Why? Because when I sleep, I fart and scare myself awake. Just like his parents' dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 21:40 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's head was on my lap. I bent down to kiss him. My stomach rolls got there first. FML

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By targetlove - 10/1/2010 01:23 - Australia

Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat on the seat. Then I felt a stinging pain on my left bum cheek. I jumped up quickly to see a wasp splashing around in the bowl. It stung me, and now have a bum cheek twice its normal size, and pee all over my pants. FML

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By InstantHardOn - 8/11/2011 04:43 - United States

Whenever

Today, my girlfriend has a new obsession: grabbing my junk and whispering in my ear the song, "Baby, Imma Be Your Motivation." Problem? I get an instant boner and she only does it in public, because it's "funny as hell." FML

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By WOCOACH - 9/9/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

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By pimdala_major - 30/10/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I found a small bottle of chocolate milk in the fridge from McDonald's. I've been living with my grandparents while going to college and figuring they'd never drink it themselves, I took a sip. It had expired two years ago. FML

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By inthecold - 19/2/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 00:02 - United Kingdom

Scruffy 'erbert

Today, I was in the garden of my new house when a neighbour came over and told me to clear off or she would call the owner to tell them they were being burgled. When I told her I was the owner, she said I was clearly unsuitable to be living on this street, and to stop lying before she called the police. FML

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By fingwhore - 27/7/2014 17:12 - United States - Greensboro

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML

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By shat - 12/12/2015 07:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2012 23:39 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 21:03 - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, is the start of the third month that I prayed I would be fired, just so I didn't have to quit because I hate awkward conversations. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2013 11:23 - Australia - Mackay

Today, I regretfully confessed to my parents I have trichotillomania. There was a torturous pause, followed by the question, "Are you gay?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML

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By bosslady - 30/6/2015 09:57 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

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By Disgusted - 5/7/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

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By broke4life - 28/10/2015 22:16

Today, my boyfriend called me to ask if I knew the serial number for my laptop. I had given him my $650 gaming laptop to sell in his electronics store because I didn't need it and could use the money. Apparently it was stolen at some point yesterday and his cameras were turned off. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 13:56 - India - Chennai

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

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By beckzx58 - 6/8/2009 23:16 - United States

Today, I was pretending to use the force to operate the elevator at my hotel, getting really into it. Someone was waiting to get on at my floor and saw me. Not to mention the staff now brings it up every time I'm around. Apparently they have cameras in their elevators. FML

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By vargasm - 18/1/2009 12:12 - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

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By - 31/12/2009 18:23 - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 02:00

Live dumping

Today, I was having a mass lecture, for 3 classes combined, all microphones muted. I wanted to go to the toilet, so I connected my headphones, and I did my job massively while listening to the teacher. Suddenly, the teacher said, "Oh, close your mic for the love of god." 85 students heard me taking a shit. FML

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By Oops - 24/10/2009 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML

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By Uggghhh - 9/5/2017 02:00

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

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By Poowee - 18/9/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I urgently needed to use the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. When I went to flush, it would not go down the pipes. After about ten panic filled minutes, I notice the cat litter box. I carefully scoop out my logs, and bury them in the cat litter. FML

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By future missing person maker person thingy - 11/10/2012 20:37 - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, after saving up for weeks, I bought myself an iPad. Because mine is better than the one my parents bought my ten-year-old brother, he got pissed and threw it into our pool. I'm now grounded for getting angry and calling him a bastard in the aftermath. FML

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By dontbadouche - 1/2/2010 13:45 - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2015 21:07 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML

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By misc - 13/9/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

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By soomeone - 16/2/2010 19:28 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. I started putting my arm around her, when I hit her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2020 17:01

Bad timing

Today, my daughter locked herself in the bathroom having a tantrum after her boyfriend dumped her. So, out of sheer desperation, I had to sit in the kitchen sink for a pee, which is when my husband walked in with his mother and sister. FML

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By tryon777 - 29/7/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, my girlfriend begged me to stay up late and video chat with her because she missed me. Even though I work early mornings, I reluctantly agreed. After waiting up until 2am for her to get online, I gave up. She had fallen asleep. FML

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By Rob - 16/10/2009 01:59 - France

Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said "Have fun!" FML

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By anonymous - 6/3/2019 14:00

Today, after almost a year of having threesomes with my “best friend” and her husband, they both confessed that neither of them actually even like me. They just went along with it because they thought it’s what the other wanted. Now they won’t even talk to me. FML

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By ayw329 - 31/1/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

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By TKPhai - 5/4/2015 03:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents, my aunt and her husband went out to dinner. There, my aunt told us that she was pregnant, and out of instinct, I asked her who the father is. FML

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By mikey - 14/10/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, I realized that the full body wax I got two weeks ago that my wife told me would look sexy doesn't just make me look like a completely hairless ten-year-old boy. The ingrown hairs everywhere now make me look like someone with chicken pox. FML

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Top comments

By kurodansei | 16

#5591859 - Monday 22 July 2013 8:54

This is why most ppl have cell phones to save numbers in.

By fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#5591861 - Monday 22 July 2013 8:55

Sorry man. Hey, at least you can get girls

COMMENTS

By kurodansei | 16

#5591859 - Monday 22 July 2013 8:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

courtney680 | 17

#5591875 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:00

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Aregonde | 15

#5591943 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:26

Is it really that hard to type out the word "people?"

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#5592491 - Monday 22 July 2013 18:14

When you're on a cell phone and you kina sorta want first comment, you make sacrifices. Is "ppl" so difficult and obscure an abbreviation that you have to file a complaint about it in the comments?

Reply

Mossears133 | 15

#5592676 - Monday 22 July 2013 20:22

But you didn't even get first comment, so where is ppl getting you now?

Reply

Kenton1008 | 21

#5592722 - Monday 22 July 2013 20:58

#2, you obviously missed the part of the post where it says, "I had nothing else on me so I told her to write it on a dollar bill."

Reply

courtney680 | 17

#5593279 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 3:51

It's called an arm? That way you wouldn't lose the number.

Reply

CookieLovesBoo | 16

#5593787 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 11:27

He said he didn't have anything else on him maybe he left his cell at home , not everyone carries theirs around 24/7

Reply

wildnargles | 15

#5595450 - Wednesday 24 July 2013 6:27

#99- unless you lose the arm...

By fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#5591861 - Monday 22 July 2013 8:55

Sorry man. Hey, at least you can get girls

Reply

boofgall | 16

#5591966 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:42

Yeah but this could've potentially be his soul mate, and now he's tampered with it!

Reply

Dswank620 | 18

#5592409 - Monday 22 July 2013 16:54

Maybe, just maybe, she reads this site, and she will see what he did, so she will message him and then they can be together forever and ever

Reply

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5592435 - Monday 22 July 2013 17:11

-gasp-
Better love story than Twilight.

Reply

fareith | 15

#5592752 - Monday 22 July 2013 21:22

If any guy can't get girls, that's pretty sad. It's really not too hard. Grow some balls, and talk to one that is WITHIN your league. Guys that can't get any are always either awkwardly shy or trying for supermodels.

By lovelyheadache | 16

#5591869 - Monday 22 July 2013 8:57

Aww OP, maybe you'll meet up again another time :)

By dinosxxrawr | 22

#5591871 - Monday 22 July 2013 8:58

now someone else has her number.

Reply

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5592481 - Monday 22 July 2013 18:01

#5 makes you wonder what else they find on bills...

By NekoNekoMidnight | 7

#5591873 - Monday 22 July 2013 8:58

Next time, write it on a paper. Or even your hand. You shouldn't write things on money anyway... And what if someone else gets that dollar? Now they have your cute girls number!

Reply

GenaALazer | 22

#5591905 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:15

He was probably trying to be cool; "Here write it on my money sweet cheeks, got loads of it"

Reply

moimoimoi125_fml | 11

#5591970 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:43

On a one dollar bill. Seems legit (:

Reply

tragicnightmare | 15

#5592002 - Monday 22 July 2013 10:13

maybe it was in pencil or just really light pen?

By emmingle | 24

#5591874 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:00

Phone, hand, give her yours... The whole money thing wasn't necessary.

Reply

Wowxoxo | 17

#5591992 - Monday 22 July 2013 10:04

"... I had nothing else on me so I told her to write it on my hand. Without thinking I washed my hands after using the bathroom. FML."

I'm assuming OP didn't have his phone, hence the FML.

Reply

iammeorami | 25

#5592329 - Monday 22 July 2013 16:04

ink from a pen doesn't usually come off so easily

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#5592728 - Monday 22 July 2013 21:03

Write it on your arm. Lasts longer as you don't always wash your arms, not as much as your hands anyway.

By profoundkisses | 18

#5591878 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:01

Save it in your cell phone next time!

Reply

fuckyourlifeOP | 25

#5591894 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:10

But he said he had nothing else on him

Reply

soldiat_fml | 17

#5591900 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:13

He had his skin on him. Works better than any dollar.

By FMLbutYDI | 17

#5591879 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:03

I wonder who will have in in a year

By legendxs | 20

#5591880 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:04

You sooooo deserve it man... Next time use your cell phone maybe?

Reply

canupls | 6

#5592473 - Monday 22 July 2013 17:52

"I had nothing else on me"

By Enslaved | 36

#5591881 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:04

That girl is crazy to allow you to write her number like that. I personally wouldn't want my phone number written on money. Now everyone that gets that bill would have my number. :P That's a crank call waiting to happen.

Reply

twinkiefeets | 17

#5591931 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:22

Oh like your number isn't written on a few bathroom walls! Kidding. Kidding. Hahaha. Joke, hope you DO NOT take yourself too seriously. 

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5591951 - Monday 22 July 2013 9:34

It has been before. Damn Faster Pussycat song! :P

I have had problems with my number getting out. I hate when I go to a place like "Party City" they ask for my phone number at the register. Why dammit? I only want to buy a ballon and a box of Skittles!