Miscellaneous: Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was... - FML

By kk - 09/01/2013 16:07 - United States

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 646

You deserved it 5 300

Vulture

This Charming Man

Leave me alone!

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Kenosha

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 637

You deserved it 1 810

By I have wood - 16/09/2013 21:11 - United States - Stephenville

Spicy

Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my room. They all thought he meant he had caught me rubbing one out. I'm actually building a guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 263

You deserved it 3 657

By justagirl - 02/12/2014 05:40 - United States - Roseville

Spicy

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 792

You deserved it 5 857

uBlock, mate

By Anonymous - 11/09/2021 05:01

Spicy

Today, my husband has been in a bad mood all week, so I finally demanded to know why. He told me his favourite porn site has suddenly started showing adverts, so now he can’t wank in peace anymore without pop-up ads appearing every 20 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 030

You deserved it 190

By frigid - 12/10/2011 01:05

Today, I found out my landlord is too cheap to turn up the hot water tank enough to have a comfortable shower. There's a huge padlock on the door, she won't budge, and I'm signed in until December. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 913

You deserved it 2 322

By Loose Ends - 14/09/2016 23:48 - United States - Waltham

Today, I found out that apparently the pipes for my toilet were never connected, so anything you flush just falls out onto the basement floor downstairs. I've lived here 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 133

You deserved it 2 779

Sounds fishy

By Anonymous - 13/02/2021 11:01

Today, I told my wife I wasn’t comfortable with her going out with an old guy friend. Petty, sure, but our sex life is non-existent. I found out that she's been seeing him behind my back for months, spent the night with him last week and claims there’s nothing going on. Trying to decide whether I should stay or go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 967

You deserved it 158

By Anonymous - 28/07/2013 04:59 - United States

Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 904

You deserved it 29 932

By Fairy31 - 01/03/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 063

You deserved it 2 291

By likeyourboss - 04/10/2013 16:05 - Denmark

Today, I went to the gym. I tried out a new machine where you do one-arm weightlifting. I took my time to get into a good position, then set the machine to the lowest weight possible. I couldn't even lift it an inch. A bunch of buff guys nearby saw me and burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 646

You deserved it 5 928

Awkward

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to cuddle as we usually do. To prepare for this, the first thing I always do is dive into bed. This time, I felt something squishy under the covers, and screamed when I saw it was a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 535

You deserved it 798

By aaalias34 - 26/02/2010 11:13 - United States

Today, my dog farted. Immediately, he turned around to sniff his stink then furiously licked his butthole. He then licked my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 934

You deserved it 8 431

By moosemay - 19/01/2016 17:03 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 160

You deserved it 1 501

By lizzie - 27/07/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was going to a talent show. On the way there, my car broke down, I lost my keys and managed to slam my hand in a window. I got there and waited in the theater for an hour before a janitor came by and said, "Show is tomorrow, lady." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 591

You deserved it 9 549

Thief

By anonymous - 28/10/2014 03:40 - United States - Lafayette

Spicy

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 841

You deserved it 39 689

By NotCuteEnough - 24/08/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 510

You deserved it 7 700

By b3ardown23 - 07/09/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 617

You deserved it 2 818

Little git

By Anonymous - 29/12/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I gave my 7-year-old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 533

You deserved it 7 281

By DrunkParents - 31/03/2015 23:32 - United States - Billings

Today, a really drunk couple staggered into the store I work at. One of them yelled at me, "Hey you! Kid! Tell us where the booze is at!" This would have been funny if these people weren't my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 773

You deserved it 2 714

By committedandalone - 24/11/2016 14:45

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend about where we want to live when I graduate. He says he doesn't know what he wants and his mother wouldn't approve of us living together. We've been together 3 years with the understanding we would live together once I graduated my Master's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 735

You deserved it 901

By Anonymous - 06/01/2013 10:01 - United States - Austin

Today, I came home to a flooded apartment and water still pouring from the ceiling. The woman who lives above me is shocked that I would consider her responsible for the damage and doesn't think she should have to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 573

You deserved it 1 842

By grossedout - 01/11/2014 00:39

Today, I was walking back to my dorm with my boyfriend. He was being really sweet as he held my hand. We were about to kiss goodnight and as he pushed some hair out of my face he said, "Can we hurry it up? I'm about to rip one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 976

You deserved it 3 705

By Noname - 29/10/2008 10:09 - Slovenia

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 449

You deserved it 6 388

By Badatlife - 23/06/2014 16:19 - Australia - Kellyville

Today, a guy at work pulled me aside to tell me that I probably shouldn't be working a job where I have to interact with customers, because of my autism. I don't have autism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 804

You deserved it 4 617

By AtLeastTheyreClean - 27/01/2017 19:28 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after hours of protesting and tantrums, I finally got my kids to clean their rooms. They're all really proud of themselves and enjoying all the extra space. I'm stuck with the three extra loads of laundry they found in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 921

You deserved it 2 098

By yoggabe - 18/08/2012 20:34 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 469

You deserved it 2 333

By Teaching - 12/11/2009 07:17 - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 916

You deserved it 4 516

By jerkgirl - 08/04/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 721

You deserved it 113 071

By Anonymous - 14/03/2015 11:04 - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 265

You deserved it 3 026

Smells like victory

By Gagging - 15/06/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 377

You deserved it 2 767

By HDCkid - 05/04/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I met a new client in person for the first time. When I went to shake his hand, it was made of plastic. Startled, I laughed thinking it was a practical joke. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 549

You deserved it 62 840

By Anonymous - 07/01/2013 21:27 - United States - Foxboro

Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 121

You deserved it 7 941

By LizGo - 17/11/2013 06:00 - United States - Greenville

Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 368

You deserved it 14 655

By stanky - 19/06/2015 14:47 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 245

You deserved it 2 968

By Anonymous - 14/11/2009 07:27 - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 101

You deserved it 38 887

By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 05:18 - France - Saint-renan

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 125

You deserved it 4 622

By fmlfmlfml - 02/06/2009 18:03 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96 800

You deserved it 251 526

By Anonymous - 06/11/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, at work, a woman fainted, and an extremely attractive cop came in to help. I ended up running into him an hour later. Seeing as though I'm not very shy or a nervous person, I struck up a conversation with him, thinking it must be fate. I ended up fumbling my words so much he asked if I was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 100

You deserved it 7 347

Nasty

By Anonymous - 26/10/2021 14:00

Today, I had an interview to be a waitress. Afterwards, I had food in the restaurant, which is where I overheard my interviewer tell the manager he wasn’t going to bother hiring “that girl I just interviewed” because "her face is nasty and she’ll put the customers off their food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 84

By Brett meek - 19/02/2010 07:41 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 488

You deserved it 3 613

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Top comments

shaniahthecurlyl 6

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:06

I am sure she was joking - if not, that is depressing..

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:07

She should of swallowed that load then.

Comments

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:24

Mom just trolled you op. that is very funny.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:24

You have a morbid sense of humor.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 20:32

Naw, you just don't have 1 at all

nnnope 26

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 21:31

1 - yeah, if you're an asshole

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 22:00

The person who wrote this FML needs to lighten up, they're here aren't they? Take a joke.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 22:21

Classic FML: You get thumbed down for that first comment, and the first reply to you is almost exactly the same except with the "troll part", and gets 10 thumb ups. :D

shaniahthecurlyl 6

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:06

I am sure she was joking - if not, that is depressing..

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Thursday 10 January 2013 7:26

"Apply cold water to burn area"

Mf2307 15

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Friday 11 January 2013 5:56

agreed

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:06

Tell her you wish you were put up for adoption. That'll make her mad.

OhDearBetrayal 25

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:11

I somehow highly doubt that. If she was itching for an abortion I doubt she'll mind if he were to disappear. She might even celebrate it.

ttqq 7

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:28

Maybe not anymore. She hated pregnancy, but now that it's over, she probably loves her son/daughter.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:07

She should of swallowed that load then.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 22:10

*Should have

perdix 29

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:09

Next time you see her, wear a coat hanger on your head.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 20:06

Perdix that's so fucked up but funny at the same time I'm not sure if I want to laugh or gasp I think both.

perdix 29

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 20:08

I advise you to laugh because I think that would be a helluva funny way to stick it to such an itchy, bitchy mother.

amillionbucks 5

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 21:41

I don't get it...

perdix 29

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 22:57

#43, look up "back-alley abortion." I haven't, but I guess you'll find enough info to get the joke . . . and then you'll laugh and laugh!

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:10

She was probably joking. If not then tell her it's too late now.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:12

I hope that was sarcasm.. That's really low =/

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 23:06

I don't think you know what sarcasm is.

vocaloidtiger 12

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Friday 11 January 2013 2:38

52 - Do you?

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:13

At least she had the will power to resist her craving...

insaneDONUTZ 15

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:14

that is something you should never say to children

Ray_of_midnight 22

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Thursday 10 January 2013 3:56

I agree, even if it was a joke it was in extremely poor taste.

mrssuarez2011 12

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Friday 11 January 2013 8:29

Couldn't agree more, it's not even humorous as a joke.

maz95 17

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 19:16

You must've really ticked her off to get her to say such a thing.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 170

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 2 746