Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons...

By anonymous - 1/6/2009 07:05 - Korea Republic of

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

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Miscellaneous

Work name

Family values

DINOSAURS!!

By ihateguys - 26/9/2014 19:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I heard my boyfriend talking with my father in the backyard. I thought he was asking for my hand in marriage. He was actually telling him about his plans to break up with me. FML

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By Ugh - 17/8/2017 20:00

Today, I had my last assessment for my university degree in the form of an interview at 11am. Without doing this interview, I can't graduate. The interviewer was a no show. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 15:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I actually thought of faking my own death to get away from my girlfriend and her insane, overbearing family. FML

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By ashamed father - 9/3/2014 22:32 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

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By nerdlette - 15/3/2014 19:34 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was feeling really down and insecure after a friend joked about how small my boobs are. When my grandma got me to tell her what happened, she reassured me that all the girls in our family were late bloomers. I said "Really?" and she replied, "Oh no dear. Quite the opposite." FML

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By shampoomice - 7/8/2013 16:34 - United States - La Porte

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

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By missunlucky - 18/2/2010 00:24 - Czech Republic

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2018 22:00

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

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By mortifying - 28/10/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Skinny girl

Today, I started playing footsie with the girl I like next to me in Biology. Turns out it was the table leg. FML

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By ashlee - 31/8/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

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By Idontlikefireworks2 - 7/7/2018 19:00

FREEDOM

Today, some idiots set off fireworks close to my house. I was a bit worried, but my uncle assured me it would be fine and left to run an errand. Just minutes later, I looked up to find the tree right next to my wooden balcony engulfed in flames. FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - 21/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2017 04:00

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for not showing up to her mother's birthday party. I didn't go because I had to finish a project for work over the weekend. This is the same person who refused to go to my father's funeral because she, "didn't feel like getting dressed up." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2009 04:03 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML

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By Bittersweet - 7/7/2019 06:00

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

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By UH-OH - 15/3/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

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By epicfailureismyl - 5/4/2018 15:00

Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML

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By CollegeGrad - 25/4/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

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By Lady Douche of Asscrackington - 10/10/2013 20:00 - United States - Watertown

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

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By mybmw - 14/10/2009 10:39 - United States

Today, was my mom's birthday. I recently got my first job, thanks to her, and could finally afford to buy her something nice. I spent my first paycheck ever on buying her a very nice bracelet. She said it was nice, then asked if I would mind if she exchanged it for one she actually liked. FML

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By ohsugarxo - 31/8/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

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By youlovewaffles - 3/8/2019 04:00

Today, I was talking to myself in the shower, pretending I was Oprah. After I got out, my little brother asked if I was singing in the bathroom. I almost said no, but admitting to singing seemed a lot less embarrassing. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

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By ellisp1 - 4/7/2017 22:10

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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By Andiii - 26/7/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I got a surprise call from LA Fitness saying I've been signed up for a two week pass. It's from my boyfriend. Didn't see this one coming. FML

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By bodyelectric - 13/4/2009 12:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

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By Josh - 27/9/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 07:52 - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 23:54 - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my daughter trying to cut her wrist with a plastic spoon. When I asked her why, she said her friend Lucy did that so her parents would buy her pretty things. My daughter and Lucy are both four years old. FML

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By Quirk - 29/10/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

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By Youdontneed2knowmyname - 5/2/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, I was so bored I began practicing an irish jig. For two hours. FML

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By NotTakenYet - 5/10/2018 22:05

Today, my mom said she ran into some old coworkers and they asked about me. She was surprised they remembered me, as we only met once. The reason they remembered me is because I fell down the stairs at their house when I was 11. That was 15 years ago. FML

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By bad in the sack - 5/7/2014 04:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

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By theuglyone - 22/8/2013 03:00 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, I was told that I looked like a Kardashian by a total stranger. Flattered, I asked which one. His response? "I don't know, the ugly one." FML

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By crabmunch15 - 9/9/2012 05:38 - United States - Victorville

Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML

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By oconron - 6/3/2009 06:09 - United States

Today, I put my picture into a celebrity look alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

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By WTF? - 1/4/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML

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By Carolina R-h - 20/6/2019 04:45

Today, after driving 900 miles, the tongue on my trailer broke ten miles away from home. I was stuck on the side of the road for 3 hours. FML

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By AllergyRidden - 24/12/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

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By NotSatan - 19/4/2017 14:00

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML

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Top comments

By fortytwo | 0

#250868 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:58

Inform her that you got all your looks from her.

By Dogmaw | 0

#250866 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:57

Start leaving brochures for the worst nursing homes in town laying around the house.

COMMENTS

By JaneDoe_71 | 0

#250848 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:53

Hey guys!

This story has been sent to us from Korea ;)

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1038000 - Monday 21 June 2010 9:56

so.......?

UntoldLife | 18

#6020288 - Sunday 27 July 2014 2:42

We can see...

Kazze | 31

#6248307 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 7:38

Props to whoever found a way to thumbs down a staff member's comment. That's an achievement in itself.

By Dogmaw | 0

#250866 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:57

Start leaving brochures for the worst nursing homes in town laying around the house.

By fortytwo | 0

#250868 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:58

Inform her that you got all your looks from her.

Laylette | 21

#6222168 - Thursday 5 March 2015 15:48

win ^

By emer_helena | 0

#250894 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:07

Some old people are just so bitter towards any kind of youth. Dont take it personally

By redbluegreen | 40

#250896 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:07

As if attackers really take a good look at your face anyway...

By RLJJ | 0

#250898 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:07

Such a fucking bitch doesn't deserve to be called "mom".
By the way, are you sure she actually IS your mother ?

By gaby904 | 0

#250903 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:08

HAHA #1 is hilarious!

Yea pretty bitchy thing to say for a mom, but hey, she could've just been joking... right?

By Jackthestripper | 0

#250905 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:09

Wow. What a bitch.

What system were you planning on learning?

By TattooedToDeath | 0

#250906 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:09

i thought all koreans knew kung fu anyways ;P
jk (:

AsianCookie247 | 14

#2930524 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 16:00

yeaahh - they got their Jackie Chan skills ;)

andieraimundo | 0

#3301298 - Saturday 17 September 2011 1:37

Umm isnt jackie chan chinese?

By laurisshnazzy | 0

#250909 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:10

More like a FHL, you have her genes.