Miscellaneous: Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons...

By anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

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Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

Sharing is caring

Time to run

By DrunkParents - United States - Billings

Today, a really drunk couple staggered into the store I work at. One of them yelled at me, "Hey you! Kid! Tell us where the booze is at!" This would have been funny if these people weren't my parents. FML

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By Natsert99 - United States - Deerfield

Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML

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By Shnur - United States

Today, my patient, a chubby little girl, stood on a scale to measure her weight. She was 5 yrs old and weighed 65 lbs. I started giving her advice on eating healthy: fruits, vegetables, and more greens. She turned to her mother giving a look of shock and said, "But mommy, the doctor is fat too!" FML

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By jensoulstealer - 16/3/2020 20:17

The Omen 4

Today, my year and a half old daughter has discovered the joy of temper tantrums. She is now throwing them constantly. Everywhere. Anytime. FML

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By Lousydriver - Canada

Today, I was about to drive out of a parking lot. The space in front of me was empty, so I figured I could drive forward. I'd not noticed that there was a median in front, and my car got stuck. FML

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By srsly_what - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

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By implantme

Give Me Novacaine

Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

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By displeased - United States - Candler

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

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By irwingiggles - Netherlands

Today, I figured out how my birth control works. If you're on your period for four months straight you can't have sex, so you won't be pregnant. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, thinking no one was home, I decided to be a little frisky with my boyfriend. I guess I was being loud and woke up my sleeping autistic brother the room over. Halfway through, he burst through the door, panicking. He thought I was having another one of my asthma attacks. FML

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By j3r3zana16 - Canada

Today, while parking, I accidentally hit my landlord's daughter's brand new car. I made a huge dent in the side door. I thought nobody was home, so I quickly went to my room. Turns out they were having a barbecue outside and saw the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2021 20:01

Parting gift

Today, the girl who lived downstairs and who was also sleeping with my guy moved out. She left a stack of my mail she had been taking at my door. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

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By brokenrainbow. - United Kingdom

Today, I finally discovered the reason my front room smelt funny. My dog, thinking the Christmas tree was real, has been peeing on it for the past two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

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By guessthatsatrickthen - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

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By ___Ruby_____

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

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By well, now what - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after he received a text with a bunch of hearts on it. After arguing, turns out it was from me. FML

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By newcomer - Canada - Kingston

Today, to treat the family, I cooked something nice in appreciation for sticking it out over the past few tough months. Unfortunately, I chose this one day to not wear my oven mitts when carrying the food to the table, spilling the food all over the carpeted floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can with their car. Trying to be nice, I stopped and started to pick it up. As I did, the owner came out of his house and chased me away with a knife. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

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By Anon - United States - West Jefferson

Today, my girlfriend and I went on a date. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table flirting with a guy that looked twice as old as her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my professor what happened to the assignment I gave him several weeks ago. Turns out he lost it, and graded me zero as a result. Now if I want a mark, he says I'll have to hand-write it all over again, but that I "probably shouldn't bother," because it was "a bit shit, really." FML

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By davy0540 - United States

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

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By Arachnofail - France - Goussainville

Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gardner

Today, I got my wedding photos back. The only decent picture of my husband and me together also featured a fat guy in a crop top behind us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

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By Dummas

Today, I sent out an email asking people to contact me if they were not on our group's email list yet so that I could add them. I sent it out to the group list. They were quite amused. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML

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By Aether - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockland

Today, I accidentally ripped out my boyfriend's insulin pump while trying to give him a lapdance. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2021 05:00

Egg mode

Today, my house cleaner discovered I cross-dress as she was cleaning. She found the pretty nightgowns I wear to bed and other items. Now she wants extra money or she will make my cross dressing public. FML

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By Username

Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said "I'm cheap and I'm easy". FML

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Maybe he is gay!

Today, my boyfriend got back from a long wrestling tournament. As a nice surprise, I decided to give him a little show over FaceTime. As soon as I stripped down into my bra and underwear, he paused the screen and started surfing the internet for new shoes. FML

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By Chad - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML

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By PaintedBum

Today, I was painting the bathroom door post. A drop of paint fell on the toilet roll. Guess how I found out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dish washer. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

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By notanybetter

Today, the drummer from my favorite band threw a drumstick into the crowd during a concert. It hit me on the head and bounced into my friend's hands. She left with a drumstick from a band she didn't want to see in the first place. I left with a bruise. FML

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Top comments

By fortytwo | 0

#250868 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:58

Inform her that you got all your looks from her.

By Dogmaw | 0

#250866 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:57

Start leaving brochures for the worst nursing homes in town laying around the house.

COMMENTS

By JaneDoe_71 | 0

#250848 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:53

Hey guys!

This story has been sent to us from Korea ;)

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1038000 - Monday 21 June 2010 9:56

so.......?

UntoldLife | 18

#6020288 - Sunday 27 July 2014 2:42

We can see...

Kazze | 31

#6248307 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 7:38

Props to whoever found a way to thumbs down a staff member's comment. That's an achievement in itself.

By Dogmaw | 0

#250866 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:57

Start leaving brochures for the worst nursing homes in town laying around the house.

By fortytwo | 0

#250868 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:58

Inform her that you got all your looks from her.

Laylette | 21

#6222168 - Thursday 5 March 2015 15:48

win ^

By emer_helena | 0

#250894 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:07

Some old people are just so bitter towards any kind of youth. Dont take it personally

By redbluegreen | 40

#250896 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:07

As if attackers really take a good look at your face anyway...

By RLJJ | 0

#250898 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:07

Such a fucking bitch doesn't deserve to be called "mom".
By the way, are you sure she actually IS your mother ?

By gaby904 | 0

#250903 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:08

HAHA #1 is hilarious!

Yea pretty bitchy thing to say for a mom, but hey, she could've just been joking... right?

By Jackthestripper | 0

#250905 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:09

Wow. What a bitch.

What system were you planning on learning?

By TattooedToDeath | 0

#250906 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:09

i thought all koreans knew kung fu anyways ;P
jk (:

AsianCookie247 | 14

#2930524 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 16:00

yeaahh - they got their Jackie Chan skills ;)

andieraimundo | 0

#3301298 - Saturday 17 September 2011 1:37

Umm isnt jackie chan chinese?

By laurisshnazzy | 0

#250909 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:10

More like a FHL, you have her genes.