Miscellaneous: Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 193

You deserved it 48

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 983

01/06/2009 07:05

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 127

You deserved it 5 279

Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Once bitten…

Ah yes, homophobic jokes, so funny

09/05/2017 02:00

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 212

You deserved it 1 723

12/04/2013 20:17

Today, my girlfriend's parents were out of town, so I stayed the night, hoping for some fun. Somehow, we started talking about conspiracy theories, and she spent the next half hour ranting at me about how Osama bin Laden is really still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 283

You deserved it 15 458

20/02/2012 05:05

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 404

You deserved it 6 475

30/01/2016 09:33

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for not showing up to work yesterday. It seems going into anaphylactic shock isn't a valid excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 315

You deserved it 1 341

15/08/2009 10:22

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 788

You deserved it 4 765

03/08/2011 16:47

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 764

You deserved it 3 357

14/01/2011 07:38

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 487

You deserved it 3 495

07/10/2012 14:20

Today, my boyfriend learned how to somersault. He now thinks that he's a ninja and somersaults into every room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 770

You deserved it 4 790

20/11/2013 23:53

Today, I tripped and fell, damaging my sternum and making it incredibly painful to breathe in or out too much. About ten minutes later, I got the hiccups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 003

You deserved it 3 250

Cujo, but for cats

By Anonymous - 25/03/2021 08:01

Today, my cat was incessantly meowing trying to get me to wake up and feed him. Because it was 6 a.m., and I'd hardly slept at all last night, my brain decided that the best solution to get him to shut up would be to hug him. The result was a normally docile and lazy cat giving me a nasty scratch next to my left eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 511

You deserved it 261

26/06/2014 04:03

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to marry me and be the father of my children. Five minutes later, he told me he wants to experience death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 499

You deserved it 5 203

22/05/2017 14:00

Today, I got better sleep in my 30-year-old compact car with it being 40 degrees outside than I did in my bed. Got something to look forward to, as I'll be homeless soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 353

You deserved it 317

29/11/2014 19:45

Today, while at work, I had to spend an hour and a half on the phone, listening to an old lady relive her entire day in excruciating detail. We're not allowed to hang up on customers, and she was extremely quick to dismiss all my attempts to steer the call back on topic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 789

You deserved it 3 686

Someone needs a hug

By lukey101 - 13/08/2020 05:01

Today, I was out to lunch when someone in the distance proposed to his partner. She said yes, everyone clapped and cheered. I, on the other hand, burst into tears and couldn't stop bawling for about half an hour. I'm a 32 year old man and don't even know the happy couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 275

You deserved it 386

03/08/2015 05:31

Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 526

You deserved it 2 429

10/02/2009 05:58

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 570

You deserved it 2 795

30/12/2013 17:20

Today, I tried to prove to my girlfriend how much I've matured and that our relationship comes before anything else in my life. So I went to delete my character in World of Warcraft. I tried to confirm it, but I couldn't, breaking down in tears instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 298

You deserved it 31 365

What's that sound?

By Ihavethickthighs - 07/09/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past week, my boyfriend joined me on my walks. He's recently gotten into photography and is now intent on tracking down a rare bird that he never sees but always hears. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's the sound of my thighs rubbing together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 541

You deserved it 549

Disappearing act

By BrokeAfnow - 02/05/2021 02:01

Today, it was my son’s birthday. I took him out to a eat and wanted to surprise him with a new iPhone. I handed the waitress the iPhone and asked her to bring it out with the cake I brought. The cake comes out, without the iPhone. The waitress said she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 688

You deserved it 1 150

02/06/2009 06:18

Today, I heard a baby crying while I was walking down the street. I walked around until I found it. In a dumpster. I immediately called the cops, completely freaking out. When the cops came, they pulled the baby out of the dumpster. It was a plastic baby doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 489

You deserved it 24 159

Do you even lift, bro?

By Anonymous - 11/08/2013 04:24

Today, while working out in the gym, I spotted a very attractive girl. I decided to pick up the heaviest dumbbell to show off how much I could curl. She ended up driving me to the hospital because I burst into tears after tearing up my bicep and deltoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 540

You deserved it 66 725

09/09/2015 19:55

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 309

You deserved it 2 925

Intervention

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 02:01

Today, my sister got in a screaming argument with my girlfriend, who then dumped me. My whole family started celebrating. Apparently, they staged the argument to get rid of her because no one liked her, and I should be grateful they did me such a big favor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 266

You deserved it 184

27/09/2017 16:04

Today, the transmission on my brand new car went out. I bought it last month when the transmission on my old car went out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 755

You deserved it 314

25/02/2012 20:51

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 131

You deserved it 3 353

27/06/2011 06:26

Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 616

You deserved it 13 660

12/01/2014 00:26

Today, I used the restroom at a mall. I thought I was alone, so I started singing. When I got out of the stall, there were men staring at me. Not only did I embarrass myself with my own singing, I'd accidentally used the men's restroom too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 711

You deserved it 23 692

28/07/2015 15:18

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over the phone, after having left me to look after her dog while she went on a 2-week vacation with her family. Now I have to choose between paying for a kennel for her damn dog or taking care of it every day until she gets back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 085

You deserved it 2 415

12/10/2010 12:57

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 722

You deserved it 9 029

04/08/2009 05:11

Today, I texted my girlfriend and told her I was mowing my lawn. She responded "it's about time, it keeps getting caught in my teeth!" I was referring to the lawn outside of my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 230

You deserved it 54 300

28/08/2010 16:04

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 433

You deserved it 4 087

21/06/2016 16:12

Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 567

You deserved it 3 276

25/05/2012 22:59

Today, I started my third day of a student exchange program in Belgium. My room-mate is a guy, our beds are in the same room, and he's always in and out of the bathroom. Consequently, I don't have nearly enough privacy to choke the cock, if you know what I mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 513

You deserved it 29 707

The Force is weak with this one

By fuck Star Wars - 14/09/2020 10:02

Today, I sat through 9 gruelling hours of Star Wars with my boyfriend. I hate those movies with a passion and frankly would rather get a pap smear from Wolverine than watch them. Afterwards, he dumped me for yawning, saying that I didn’t take a “serious” interest in his favorite things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 848

14/10/2018 14:00

Today, the coworker I have a crush on left halfway through the busiest shift of the week, and now I have to work it alone. I eventually found out that she left to go on a date with her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 804

You deserved it 362

05/03/2016 05:22

Today, some guys came up to me at work so they could meet me in person after talking to me on Tinder. I don't have a Tinder account, though, and I have no idea who is doing this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 241

You deserved it 1 305

15/01/2017 18:00

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 912

You deserved it 1 676

19/10/2014 04:11

Today, I took my printer to work because the one in my office is broken. When I tried to leave, my boss stopped me and accused me of stealing it from the office. Nobody would believe me when I explained. Now my boss has a new printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 597

You deserved it 6 543

22/06/2011 05:48

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found it under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 620

You deserved it 29 665

Looking cool

By Anonymous - 18/05/2014 04:48

Today, while lifeguarding, I slipped and fell from my chair and onto the cement. Embarrassed and actually quite hurt, I tried to climb back up to the chair, but it tipped. I fell half onto the cement half into the pool, just before the chair landed on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 736

You deserved it 6 067

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Top comments

fortytwo 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 15:58

Inform her that you got all your looks from her.

Dogmaw 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 15:57

Start leaving brochures for the worst nursing homes in town laying around the house.

Comments

JaneDoe_71 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 15:53

Hey guys! This story has been sent to us from Korea ;)

danyfuckinheatle 0

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Monday 21 June 2010 9:56

so.......?

UntoldLife 18

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Sunday 27 July 2014 2:42

We can see...

Kazze 31

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Tuesday 31 March 2015 7:38

Props to whoever found a way to thumbs down a staff member's comment. That's an achievement in itself.

Dogmaw 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 15:57

Start leaving brochures for the worst nursing homes in town laying around the house.

fortytwo 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 15:58

Inform her that you got all your looks from her.

Laylette 21

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Thursday 5 March 2015 15:48

win ^

emer_helena 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 16:07

Some old people are just so bitter towards any kind of youth. Dont take it personally

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 1 June 2009 16:07

As if attackers really take a good look at your face anyway...

RLJJ 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 16:07

Such a fucking bitch doesn't deserve to be called "mom". By the way, are you sure she actually IS your mother ?

gaby904 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 16:08

HAHA #1 is hilarious! Yea pretty bitchy thing to say for a mom, but hey, she could've just been joking... right?

Jackthestripper 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 16:09

Wow. What a bitch. What system were you planning on learning?

TattooedToDeath 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 16:09

i thought all koreans knew kung fu anyways ;P jk (:

AsianCookie247 14

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Tuesday 19 July 2011 16:00

yeaahh - they got their Jackie Chan skills ;)

andieraimundo 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 1:37

Umm isnt jackie chan chinese?

laurisshnazzy 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 16:10

More like a FHL, you have her genes.