Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed...

By ilovecharliesheen - 17/3/2015 07:14 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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Breaking Badly

By AvocadoPurse - 31/12/2019 16:00

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

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By Needlongerarms - 8/9/2016 12:56 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my laziness got so bad, I downloaded an app and spent 10 minutes configuring it to work with my TV and cable box, just so I wouldn't have to get up and grab the remote. FML

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By Sam - 10/10/2017 16:00

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

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By SwingingChili - 27/10/2015 05:49

Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident to win every time. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2018 01:30

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

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By Yudor - 21/12/2008 09:40 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she woke up after yesterday’s party with someone else’s trousers. FML

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By oceangirl - 8/2/2012 00:14 - United States

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2013 18:12 - United States - Tustin

Today, my smartphone addiction reached a new level of pathetic when I checked my weather app to see if it was cloudy outside. There was a window right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2015 01:43 - United States - Richmond

Today, as a volunteer tutor, I met up with a girl who needed help with calculus. When I introduced myself, she wrinkled up her face and said, "I'd hoped you'd be hotter." FML

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By NoMoreMeatForAYear - 21/5/2014 21:23 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out that just because my roommate doesn't buy alcohol, it doesn't mean she isn't stealing mine and slowly replacing it with water. That bottle cost me $150 and was destined to be a present for my best friend, whom I haven't seen in years. FML

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By demk - 20/8/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

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By S. Fancyson - 16/4/2013 23:23 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

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By tylerlove361 - 11/2/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

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By graphite01 - 1/11/2016 04:08 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that I was never actually enrolled in the class I've been attending all semester. I guess that explains why I only got $400 dollars in student aid, not the 1,200 they said I'd get. FML

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By Matthew - 9/3/2020 19:00 - United States - Juneau

Not so Karate Kid

Today, my mom told me to do karate with her, and so I said no. Now my mom won't let me do anything until I go do karate with her. FML

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By Honest mistake - 18/4/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

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By mackenzie_cain - 14/1/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

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By ge fu yo twa - 25/6/2018 20:30

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

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By Zedscar - 15/7/2017 22:30 - United States - Martinsburg

Today, my 8-year-old nephew told me he liked the way I smelt. Apparently I smell like "cat food and cheese." FML

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By Meowitzer - 14/9/2019 22:00

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2012 22:54 - France

Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML

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By ihpgolj - 18/6/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike down a road I know is quite hazardous. Having almost been hit in the same spot the day before, I rode across the intersection very satisfied without having been injured. Until I crashed into the guy front of me and flipped over my handlebars. FML

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By purpletulip - 21/10/2016 01:35 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my customer complained to me that there were no scallops in her dish when it was "clearly stated on the menu." Finally, after she ran out of breath, I had to show her that the menu said scallions. She didn't understand, screamed at me and then walked out on her bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2015 09:57

Today, I graduated from a top law school. My aunt's reaction? "I will never hang out with a cop." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 05:40 - United States - Brandon

Wrong sort of poking

Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML

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By and the truth comes out - 22/7/2014 08:44 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML

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By Vercsi - 19/2/2015 15:47 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, my attention-seeking, insanely thick co-worker explained that due to her new diet she can't eat bread. She "can eat pizza" though. When we pointed out that they’re pretty much made of the same ingredients, she wouldn’t believe us. I sit right behind this idiot every day. FML

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By mellbelle32 - 11/7/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML

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By burnnotice - 19/9/2009 14:10 - United States

Today, I was trying to turn on my computer and couldn't. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what was wrong when I finally called my husband for help and made him leave work. He came in, looked at the wall, and plugged it back in. The look on his face said it all. FML

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By hippie88 - 5/10/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Today, I figured out why I've used triple the amount of cellphone minutes than I usually do over the past month since moving out. Is it because I suddenly have a social life now that I'm living on my own? No. All those calls were made to my mom because I'm lonely. FML

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By damn - 9/4/2014 21:12 - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

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By anonymous - 5/5/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By xXangelaXx - 21/8/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2015 13:45 - Belgium - Herenthout

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 19:38 - United States

Today, after three weeks of my boss telling me how much he appreciates my hard work and has submitted my name up for a promotion, he called me into his office to announce I'm being laid off. FML

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By syn1734 - 16/10/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me "she has a surprise for me when I got home" in a sexy voice. So, I hurried home only to find a note saying she left me and took my dog. Deeply depressed, I went into the living room. She took my TV also. FML

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By MBG - 5/6/2009 07:43 - Australia

Today, I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was a man and lady left. I made them coffee and started to close up. When the lady finished her coffee she grabbed my arm and said 'I think that man is masturbating' and leaves in a hurry. I had to wait for him to finish before closing. FML

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By wdavi022 - 5/1/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend sent me a video of herself masturbating so I could watch it on my business trip. As I was watching it, I realised someone was filming her, because the camera was moving and definitely not on a tripod. I know I never recorded a video of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

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Top comments

By Steve95401 | 49

#6234999 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:26

Did you cough up a hair ball afterward?

By cmonger | 27

#6235017 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:31

Even if they were burnt pecans why would you keep eating them?

COMMENTS

By Steve95401 | 49

#6234999 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:26

Did you cough up a hair ball afterward?

By Blackhawk706 | 23

#6235000 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:26

Bad kitty.

By Jace_Crockett | 12

#6235004 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:27

Um, why is your cat treats so close to your cinnamon glazed peacans? And wouldn't you notice the smell?

By UmmOkThen | 31

#6235013 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:30

That's just Puuurrrrr-fect.

pugpuggy | 21

#6235072 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 15:13

Actually... No, it isn't.

MrsPegg | 45

#6235869 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 11:36

That's just grrrross.

By WitEluded | 13

#6235015 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:30

Your name alone makes this a YDI

By SeanLewis | 17

#6235016 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:30

How catastrophic.

By cmonger | 27

#6235017 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:31

Even if they were burnt pecans why would you keep eating them?

PurpleMyth | 28

#6235086 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 15:40

He thought that only the first one was burnt

tossaway2321 | 5

#6235723 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 6:44

Why is this being downvoted? Hes right

jay_ladybug | 19

#6235939 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 12:47

#47, OP said "so I ate a FEW more," a few is more than just 1 or 2.

By thugling | 9

#6235018 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:31

Are you saying purina soft cat treats are NOT cinnamon glazed pecans?!?!?

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6235020 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:32

I bet you wish you could paws that moment and rewind to before you ate those treats.

kmaheynoway | 25

#6235462 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:29

that joke was NOT the cat's pajamas

By haileyrows | 26

#6235024 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:34

That's just nuts! Couldn't you taste the catastrophe as soon as you ate the first one?

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6235063 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 15:05

It literally was nuts....

ExorcistParrot | 11

#6235107 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 16:33

The puns of damage.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6235622 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 4:17

it literally was not nuts...