Animals: Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed...

By ilovecharliesheen - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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Animals

Breaking Badly

Boom, headshot

Roommate from hell

By makeover-needed - United States

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

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By Katrin - Norway

Today, I got into my car after a long shift at work. When I looked in my rear view mirror, a horrifyingly evil face grinned at me from the back window. I leaped out of the car, only to be chased around by two people in clown masks. It turned out to be a prank set up by my co-workers. FML

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By Poopy - United States

Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML

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By Tony - United States

Today, my fiancée informed me she'd invited her ex-husband to our wedding at her parents' request. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nutley

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

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By hate

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

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By shary - 12/1/2021 01:59

Unreasonable

Today, I was terminated from my job because my boss “felt like it.” My parents have made it clear to me that if I am ever fired from a job, for any reason, they will kick me out on the street and never speak to me again. FML

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By Anonymous - Jordan - Amman

Today, my 12-year-old son played QWOP on my laptop. Half an hour later, he virtually destroyed it in a fit of rage. FML

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By waterproblem - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 19:01 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Blue Christmas

Today, I legally separated from my wife, after many months of her refusing to do any form of self-care. She doesn't wash, exercise, eat full meals other than fast food and she doesn't make any effort to be involved in me or who I am as a person. Christmas is going to be awkward. FML

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By Help Me - Canada - Calgary

Today, I saw a little old lady trying to cross the street. I went over and tried to help her. Turned out she was actually just a really short young woman. As soon as I took her arm, she screamed in front of everyone and accused me of trying to molest her. FML

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By MLGreco - United States

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

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By workaholic - United States

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML

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By sis - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

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By boring - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

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By but cum to think of it...

Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML

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By ~~~ - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after nearly three weeks of hard work, I finally completed my best drawing yet, a self-portrait. I was incredibly excited to take it to class tomorrow. That is, until I came home from a walk later on, only to find my brother had drawn a stick figure on it, wanking into my face. FML

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By shameless - United States - Canton

Today, I agreed to go on a date with the creepy guy from my Economics class because I'm so broke that I could really use the free meal. FML

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By itwasathtebottomofmycoffeemug - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I found out my son has a new hobby after seeing a picture on the internet: putting realistic-looking stickers of spiders at the bottom of my coffee mugs. My wife was scared half to death this morning after downing a cup of coffee and then glancing the cup's bottom. FML

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By Grindyloo

Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

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By CrackHouseBaby - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML

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By FueledByFate - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went to the doctor after being sick for weeks. I found out that I had bronchitis that then progressed to pneumonia. My girlfriend is hearing impaired, and when I can finally get words to come out when I speak, she can't understand them. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for. FML

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By Timmy - France

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

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By ihateyouatt - United States

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

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By JavitheWrestler - United States - Stockton

Today, I got a new phone. Only after berating the Sprint employee and Apple support desk because I could not call, text, or access the Internet did I find out that I didn't need to buy a new phone. It was just on airplane mode. FML

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By acab93 - United States

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 23:01

Don't shoot the messenger

Today, after I got wasted about 5 months ago and lost my virginity to a total bitch I used to work with and regretted it straight away, this morning she texts me that she’s pregnant, and that I should probably get an STD screening because she also just found out she has gonorrhoea. FML

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By wildwonder808 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I caught my new neighbor sticking his knob inside my car and pissing on my seats. His reason? I parked in his spot. FML

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By fartlover - Canada

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's apartment and I smelled a delicious aroma as I walked in so I asked him what he was cooking. His response was, "I'm not cooking anything. I just farted." FML

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By Nasu Johi - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

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By The Joker? - United States

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

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By "crawforda350"

Today, while stocking up in preparation for Hurricane Irma, an old lady hit me over the head with her walker. She wanted the loaf of bread I'd grabbed. FML

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By David Wicker - 9/9/2020 08:02

Laughs in socialized healthcare

Today, I sleep on the floor every night because my cat has punctured three air mattresses. I was going to get a real bed with my stimulus check, but I broke my leg and had to pay for the doctor's bill. FML

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By - France

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

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By Baldy

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

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Top comments

By Steve95401 | 49

#6234999 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:26

Did you cough up a hair ball afterward?

By cmonger | 27

#6235017 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:31

Even if they were burnt pecans why would you keep eating them?

COMMENTS

By Steve95401 | 49

#6234999 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:26

Did you cough up a hair ball afterward?

By Blackhawk706 | 23

#6235000 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:26

Bad kitty.

By Jace_Crockett | 12

#6235004 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:27

Um, why is your cat treats so close to your cinnamon glazed peacans? And wouldn't you notice the smell?

By UmmOkThen | 31

#6235013 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:30

That's just Puuurrrrr-fect.

pugpuggy | 21

#6235072 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 15:13

Actually... No, it isn't.

MrsPegg | 45

#6235869 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 11:36

That's just grrrross.

By WitEluded | 13

#6235015 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:30

Your name alone makes this a YDI

By SeanLewis | 17

#6235016 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:30

How catastrophic.

By cmonger | 27

#6235017 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:31

Even if they were burnt pecans why would you keep eating them?

PurpleMyth | 28

#6235086 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 15:40

He thought that only the first one was burnt

tossaway2321 | 5

#6235723 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 6:44

Why is this being downvoted? Hes right

jay_ladybug | 19

#6235939 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 12:47

#47, OP said "so I ate a FEW more," a few is more than just 1 or 2.

By thugling | 9

#6235018 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:31

Are you saying purina soft cat treats are NOT cinnamon glazed pecans?!?!?

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6235020 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:32

I bet you wish you could paws that moment and rewind to before you ate those treats.

kmaheynoway | 25

#6235462 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:29

that joke was NOT the cat's pajamas

By haileyrows | 26

#6235024 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:34

That's just nuts! Couldn't you taste the catastrophe as soon as you ate the first one?

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6235063 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 15:05

It literally was nuts....

ExorcistParrot | 11

#6235107 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 16:33

The puns of damage.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6235622 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 4:17

it literally was not nuts...