By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 10:15 - Australia
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The problem with that is, like you see, they have never really met eachother. How do they know they want to get married? I understand that they might really WANT to do it but its because they want to please their families they obviously aren't doing it for themselves.
As a person who is arranged to be married to someone I've never met before yet, I have to say shut up all of you. The OP is obviously discontent in this arrangement but don't generalize her situation to all people in arranged marriages. This is blatant discrimination against cultures different than your own. I have been raised with the knowledge that I would never be able to choose who I marry and in my culture, divorce is very much frowned upon. But, I am perfectly fine with it. I love my culture, my religion, and my global family.
29- Tis true. Arranged does not equal forced. In the end the two parties have a say in whether or not they want to go through with the marriage. And yes this type of thing still happens in 2012 it's not some medieval barbaric practice. Also they're allowed time to get to know one another before they ultimately go through with it.
Cross-cultural studies have actually found that arranged marriages are on average happier, longer-lasting and have lower divorce rates. I can understand why people frown upon them, of course, but this is largely influenced by the Western culture where marriage is more of a romantic union between two lovers rather than an important socio-economic construct (which is the main view in cultures with arranged marriages). In relation to the FML, gosh OP I hope you don't end up marrying a violent mugger.
17 - The problem is, he's a scumbag who robs women in the streets. I wouldn't want to marry a common thief, arranged marriage or not. This fml is not about arranged marriages in general, just THIS arranged marriage. Which should DEFINITELY be a no go. (I hope her parents will feel the same.)
55, I hate to say it. And I am going to get blasted. But that sounds like your religion has brainwashed you into following it. Had you been raised in freedom you would not so easily give up being able to choose who you marry. But no, you were raised without freedom and have been indoctrinated into thinking that that's okay.
I think that an arranged marriage doesn't have to be bad, as long as the daughter (or son) has the full right to say no. Parents have a lot of relationship-and life experience, if they search for someone who matches with their child's personality and completely respects him or her, then that marriage might have a good ending. Perhaps even a better than the typical Western marriage. We are so in love with romance that many of us promptly get a divorce when the love starts to disappear, instead of trying to work it out. In an arranged marriage where the two people doesn't love each other (at first), they have to try to work it out from the very beginning, therefore, they are more willing to keep working on it than us. I think. Lots of thoughts here. Anyway, it wouldn't work for me. My parents would search between the christian boys, a religion that doesn't fit me at all. God, I would probably refuse every candidate they came up with...
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#95, as has been pointed out before, in arranged marriages, you still have freedom and a choice unless you like in an oppressive country that gives your parents rights over you. Most modern day arranged marriages are more like online dating from what I've heard, in that your parents (or whoever arranges it) gives you a list of people they want you to marry, and allow you to meet them/court them and choose who you want to marry. Legally, you can also refuse to marry any of them. I'm not sure how statistically common not meeting your future spouse, not having a choice about going through with it, or not having a choice from a list is, but anecdotally I've heard that it's much rarer than it used to be. Also, I think your comparison to Charles Manson is a false analogy and very disrespectful.
Islam does not support arranged marriages. Islam teaches that people should have the right and do have the right to pick whom they want to marry and cannot ever be forced into doing something against their will. The only difference with Western culture is that in Islam, relationships out of marriage are limited to only conversations in order to protect the dignity and self respect of people. Marriage is considered to be a very important milestone in Islam where commitment and the forming of a family happen.
I have no reason to respect religions or cultures that endorse arranged marriages. I respect freedom. Respect for me is a privilege not a right. Legally she does have the freedom that's an obvious point. But the fact that her parents would arrange marriages would imply they would most likely be disappointed if she chose to do this on her own. That is not okay. You should not try to control your child's life and love. I understand that that's the culture I understand that this is my opinion, but in my opinion that culture is WRONG. It is not okay to restrict a person's freedoms when it only affects the person.
What pisses me off the most (and I'm probably gonna get raked over the coals for this one) is that when a group of people have differed opinions from the general population, the general population is expected to automatically go out of their way to accommodate these beliefs and to act like not only is it perfectly fine, but it is wrong and discriminatory if you don't like it. If a person doesn't like gays, then what minority groups try to sell to the majority is that makes them DISCRIMINATORY against gays. That is a load of bullshit. If they're entitled to their belief (whatever it may be) and they're allowed to speak out on it, then I should be allowed to mine and not get labelled as discriminatory. That's the honest truth. If you don't like it, then too bad.
152- You're right! I don't think women should have a job so long as their anatomy dictates that they must reproduce to keep the population going. Sorry government but you can't tell me to accommodate to that rubbish. Oh, and could you please put the black people back, too, while you're at it?
It's not a matter of controlling or restricting freedom, it's making a suggestion based on their knowledge about their child, the other family, and marriage. Dating websites and blind dates don't take freedom away any more than a properly done arranged marriage. (Anything more than that is a coerced or forced marriage, which is bad, but not much worse than some Western marriages, like Vegas ones.) And many parents are disappointed with their children's spouses regardless of whether an arranged marriage was planned. Arranging a marriage isn't the same as forcing a marriage, nor does it guarantee that the parents will be disappointed with their child if they don't go through with it. The same applies to non-arranged marriages. It's very irritating when people judge other cultures based on their own culture's ideas. "Freedom" to you might be being able to marry anyone, while to another person, safety and security in one's family and community might be more important (in the sense of having a stable support system, not in the sense of being accepted by one's culture.) Some cultures may feel like to have a successful marriage, you should just follow your heart (emphasis on passion and intimacy), while others may put a greater emphasis on commitment, support, and planning. That doesn't make anyone right or wrong seeing as no rights are being taken away from anyone. It just makes them different.
#182, that's a false analogy because there's an obvious victim in that case (children can't consent to sex, the sex is forced, etc.) In the case of an arranged, not forced marriage, you still have a choice. I don't know how many times I have to repeat this: FORCED marriages are as bad as rape, but ARRANGED marriages still have a degree of choice and allow you to refuse. To be honest, even as a person who is not interested in getting married, I can see the appeal an arranged marriage would have. I mean, your family and their family will already be close; your parents would be able to tell you pretty much anything you'd need to know about your suitors (again, not always just ONE person your parents pick out); you would never have to worry about being married for things like green cards, money (most arranged marriages are not exchanging a wife for money as they once were, even in Europe), or some other form of exploitation; you and your partner would be more determined to work out problems instead of just giving up when the going gets rough; you would be forced to actually think about your decision to marry this person as opposed to getting married drunk in a casino; you'd have a reason to trust this person because of your family's knowledge of them; they would probably never abandon you; you would have more emotional support and stability both economically and in your relationship; etc.... Now, that said, so-called "love marriages" do obviously have many benefits. But just because someone chooses to have an arranged marriages or sees its benefits does not make them "brainwashed". Also, marriage is the "most important thing in your life"? I and many others would beg to differ.
So from what I've learned, in an arranged marriage, you can say no to all of them. So why not just be able to find your own match? Also, the ones that said "parents have more experience and knows who is good" and then ones that said "besides, she/he can meet them before getting married." Well, sure you can meet them and the parents can tell who is a right guy. However, I've dated a guy for 2years and thought I knew the exact guy he was: Sweet, loving, always putting his girl first. Turns out, he wasn't who I thought he was and we ended up breaking up. If I couldn't tell the kind of person he was after 2years, how are the parents suppose to know how they are like? Especially the women/men because they've met each other for a less period of time than their parents. In my opinion, I will never fully understand arrange marriages but I respect their cultures and if that's the way they do things, then so be it.
I don't know where some idiots get the facts on how arranged marriages work. I can't speak for ALL arranged marriages but from close experience it's kind of like arranged 'dating' you get to see and talk to bunches of guys/girls until you like one, then you can get married when desired. It is just more civilized in a way and you don't get "forced" thats just some stupid conclusion people come up with because of some extreme people out there that are giving the rest a reason to criticize and be bias towards arranged marriages.. I'm not trying to say forcing ppl into marriage is acceptable because clearly thats not how they work over here.. :)
Arranged marriages are fine in Australia. It's forced marriages which are illegal. It's not only middle eastern countries which have arranged marriages... Alot of Asian countries do it too.. A lot of western countries are known to have arranged marriages to strengthen the families standing in society or profits etc. Stop being narrow minded.
That's how arranged marriages work. Neither person chooses or has a say. The guardians or parents decide. And they do have to get married if it continues to be the decision of the parents. And usually if one believes in arranged marriage they don't believe in divorce.
84 Those are valid points, but they are still happier on average. This could be because they eventually "learn" how to love and be happy with the spouse - whether this is ethical/unethical to you is a different story altogether, but personally I'm fine with it as long as both parties are genuinely happy. My friends' grandparents' marriage was arranged and she told me that, according to them, it was awkward at first, but it quickly became a happy relationship. Despite it being said many times I think people are still confusing arranged with forced marriages. I understand people may be against them, but clearly 55 is happy with her culture. You can condemn these practices all you want but you have no right to impose your beliefs upon her and say that she's "brainwashed". She might as well come back by saying "you've been brainwashed to think that marriage is about free love", and her claim would be just as valid as yours. Both arranged marriages and "love" marriages have their advantages and disadvantages, but as long as no one is being coerced to marry one another I think people should leave them in peace.
#201, your experience is actually a good example of a pro-arranged marriage argument. If you had been arranged to court the guy, your parents would have met his parents long before then, allowing them to judge whether he was trustworthy and to hold him accountable for his actions if he ever broke that trust. Typically the parents will know the other families in advance. I've heard several cases of the families knowing each other and planning marriages for their children before they were even born. It's not as though the parents just pick random families to marry their children off to. Like the name suggests, a lot of planning goes into arrangements. As for "why not just go date"? I don't know, why do people use online dating services? Why do people have friends set them up? In fact, in a way it would be better to have your parents set you up with someone than a friend, as your parents probably know you and your potential spouse better. And you get the guarantee that your family will like your spouse, which isn't always true in non-arranged marriages. People who don't belong to cultures that arrange marriages can become estranged because of parental disapproval of their spouses. And what about all the mother-in-law jokes? You wouldn't have those problems in an arranged marriage. With non-arranged marriages, you always hear about people who marry sex offenders or polygamists without knowing... that's way less likely to happen if the marriage is arranged. I'm not trying to say that all arranged marriages are good and all "love marriages" are bad!!! There are variations of each type: you'll have the family that encourages their children to marry someone, and you'll have a family that pressures them into it; with non-arranged marriages, there are high school sweethearts, and there are 24 hour marriages. It all depends on how you were raised and what you prefer.
And to address the FML, because of the fact that the families probably know each other and it would probably be shameful to marry a thief, I'd be surprised if the wedding weren't called off. This is another possible benefit of arranged marriage, depending on how you see it: her fiancé will now be held accountable for his actions, while if they had just been dating, it would be harder to punish the fiancé or warn other girls about him. Conventional dating allows anonymity. Whether that is a good or bad thing is up to you...
No, just because its different does not make it not free you're right. And yes I am being open minded. Being open minded doesn't mean you have to accept the others view as logical, it just means you have to give it a chance. However, arranged marriages by definition are NOT as free as doing it on your own. Brainwashed? How? And by whom may I ask? Myself? Those arranged marriage ideas are all dandy but you're ignoring the fact that this woman has met her husband who she IS going to marry in 3 months only 3 times. This doesn't give off very strong signals of her being in full control does it? So stop with all this bullshit. An arranged marriage like the OP is having is inherently not free.
I had a friend in high school from a small town. She was married at 15 and it was an arranged. Lovely arrangement too. He would beat the shit out of her on a regular basis. I understand that for some it works out just fine. But I think it's safe to say if he is out mugging people, this one probably won't work.
@55 Just because you've been raised to be content to go without some basic, fundamental freedoms (choosing your own husband if you wish, divorce if you wish) doesn't make it ok. If you have no choice, you have no freedom. (not that this is necessarily relevant to the OP - her arranged marriage could be a choice by her)
"However, arranged marriages by definition are NOT as free as doing it on your own." Nope. That's a forced marriage. We've been over this. The wedding will most likely be cancelled, as it would be shameful to marry a thief. Like I said, one of the benefits of arranged marriage is familial support and accountability of the spouse if they break their trust, so not only can OP go to the police, but now her and his entire families can know what he did. He'll probably have a hard time finding a respectable girl... And OP always has the right to refuse to marry him if she wants to, both legally and in the case of most modern day arranged marriages. Her family will simply find other potential husbands from her to choose from.
#225, No, open-mindedness doesn't have to mean you agree, but you can't claim to be open-minded when you don't even have the right information. #228, I have plenty of anecdotes about love marriages that didn't work out and ended tragically. Abuse is not limited to or more common in arranged marriages. No, this arranged marriage probably won't work out. Fortunately, OP can choose not to marry him, and I'm sure her parents would support her given that the man is a violent thief. Think about it: the whole point of arranged marriages is to find the best possible spouse for your child and your family, so wouldn't they much rather find a new one than stick with one who can't be trusted? #239, even freedom of speech has limits (hate speech, libel, etc.) And in this context, "right" doesn't so much mean "legal right" as it does "justified reason".
You just got a crash course in how marriage works! Minus the ski mask and gun, that is.
Ofc there are less divorces in a culture where women are treated as property and have basically no rights. Low divorce rate does not equal good and happy marriage. The only reason there are so many divorces today in "modern" world is because divorce is not frowned upon anymore as much as it used to be and people can go separate ways instead of being miserable together.
To: everyone who thumbed down this comment, you're all idiots just because someone arranges a marriage for you doesn't mean you have to go through with it...that's retarded seeing as people tend to live past the age of 30 nowadays it's probably a good idea to pick a mate based on compatibility
Agonydrum - I'm so glad you think everyone who still practices this custom is an idiot. Do you think all cultural customs are stupid? What's really stupid is refusing to see something from others' points of view. Just because something is different than what you're used to, doesn't mean it's "retarded".
Doc, I think that any cultural tradition that sets people up for failure is retarded and people who agree to ruin their lives just because its been done for hundreds of years are retarded, do you really think that lady is going to have a good marriage with her criminally violent arranged husband?
#131, as long as your parents know your personality and respect your wishes (arranged marriage is not the same as forced marriage), it's really not that different from being set up on a blind date with someone or using a dating website. Also, I'm pretty sure it's more common to court to some degree before getting married than to not meet your future spouse until just before the wedding day. :P
#153, I'm pretty sure that arranged marriages are not legally binding in Australia. There's also a difference between an arranged marriage and a FORCED marriage: I suppose that in an arranged marriage, you could be told to give the person a second chance (which could easily happen on a blind date), but if you really don't like them, you CAN refuse, both legally and often with your family. Like I said, in modern arranged marriages, you're usually not arranged to marry just one person; you have a list of people your parents want you to marry that they urge you to court.
129- and this is why arranged marriages last longer, and still have less cases of abuse . Just cause you are from a different culture does not mean that you can criticize other peoples cultures, i think that arranged marriages are the smarter way to go. And by the way this is an unbiased opinion of me,a caucasian male , proud christian living in america. After this i hope you understand that not always are arranged marriages related to religion or culture its actually centered on your preference