Health: Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters...

By Anonymous - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

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Health

Our house, in the middle of our street

Messed up

Eleven Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media

By Anonymous

Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML

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By tramp - United States

Today, I met my brother's girlfriend. We got talking, and we got onto the subject of tattoos. I said how much I hated tramp stamps, and how they make girls look trashy. She said, "Like this?" and showed me hers. FML

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By vibratorgirl - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By I pick em' good - United States

Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML

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By klyoung5 - United States

Today, while sitting next to the cute guy in my English class, I had to sneeze. I turned away from him and sneezed into my arm. My long hair got in the way and I accidentally shot a huge snot rocket into my hair. I spent the rest of the class trying to get it out without him noticing. FML

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By Out of Ice Cream - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He did it over Snapchat because he said he didn't want to hear me sad over the phone and wanted to save data. Three years down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend of two years cheating on me. Instead of the usual excuses, he panicked and claimed he was my boyfriend's long-lost twin brother. He even tried to put on a fake accent. FML

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By SexyPlayer9 - United States

Today, I was on a flight and one of my friends was sitting next to this woman who happened to be sleeping with her mouth wide open. My friend decided to take a picture. While I was editing it, a man sitting behind us said "If you want to take a picture of my girlfriend, wait until she's awake". FML

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By fonsui - United States

Today, I was standing on a desk at work to run wiring in a suspended ceiling, since we have no ladder. My phone rang, I rushed to answer it, tripping and smashing my leg. It was my boss, calling to tell me he was bringing over a ladder. FML

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By supergingerr11 - United States

Today, I was supposed to have a double date. My date didn't show. I spent my day in the living room waiting for the pizza guy while my best friend and her boyfriend made out. The pizza guy never showed either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Petrolia

Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML

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By - 5/11/2020 23:03

Crashtony Cartano here

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

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By why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" - Netherlands - Oosterwolde

Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML

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By Matt988 - 22/3/2021 23:00 - India

Unexpected

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend when I felt her slip her hand into my pants. She then gave me a wedgie. FML

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By Ex-Employee - United States

Today, my boss fired me for causing a "commotion" at work while running the vacuum. FML

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By caly - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

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By you - United Kingdom

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name is not Kate. FML

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By Joel - United States

Today, I made a mistake at work that got 7 people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. FML

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By hopeyoushityourintestinesout - United States - Everett

Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 17:01

Abuse

Today, I was taking Zoom classes. We live in a one-bedroom apartment, which means I could hear my mom and dad fighting. I didn't notice that my mic wasn't muted. Everyone in my class now thinks that CPS needs to be called to my house. FML

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By Swedishsummer - Sweden - Floda

Today, we finally got some signs of summer in Sweden and I went to hang out in the sun with some friends. I was wearing sunglasses so I only put sunscreen on my nose and forehead. I now have a dick-shaped area in my face where I didn't completely burn my face off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

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By Uh oh... - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost two years and I broke up. Earlier, we scheduled our classes for senior year to match perfectly. Can't wait. FML

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By pukathlon - United States

Today, I was taking the bus back to my university campus, having left work early feeling sick. While on the bus I started retching. I managed to hold it in for a while, but as I stood up to get off the bus, I started puking through my mouth and nose. This was in front of twenty other passengers. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 14:02

I'm not lovin' it

Today, at my new job at McDonald’s, they only had uniform pants in a size 36 or 56, nothing in between. I’m a size 40 so I squeezed into the 36. When I told my supervisor I couldn’t tuck my shirt into the pants like they asked, because I couldn’t close the top button, she told me to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Instead of coming to my aid, the driver just laid on his horn and screamed out the window for me to move my ass, because he had places to be. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 20:01 - Canada

So compassionate

Today, my longterm girlfriend and I broke up after 2 months of me not being myself, due to repressed memories of a childhood trauma. Prior to this coming up, I was about about ask her to marry me. FML

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By Chad - 6/11/2020 07:54 - United States - San Diego

Fire hydrant

Today, I was sleeping after having worked 76 hours over the last week on night shift, only to be woken up by a fire alarm in the hotel I'm staying in. I rushed to put on some clothes and head out, but couldn't hide my morning wood, which would not go away. People took pictures as we were waiting to be let back inside. FML

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By Lilypad - France - Versailles

Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML

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By LustyDragon

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

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By Quiteannoyed - Finland - M?nts?l

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Dejected - United States

Today, I finally got a hold of my husband who I haven't actually talked to in 2 and 1/2 weeks since he is deployed and it's hard to chat. He told me he couldn't talk because he was in an epic battle, in Call of Duty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

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By angrymother

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

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Top comments

By EmmiAnne | 25

#6727866 - Monday 26 December 2016 4:37

When I first read that it dispensed a diaper I assumed someone had put a used dirty diaper in the machine. That would be even worse.

By samlovesham1234 | 9

#6727883 - Monday 26 December 2016 5:35

Yep, the toilet paper thing I've done before, but only on the first day. Usually that was the day I got caught without a pad or tampon.

COMMENTS

By jacqats | 13

#6727839 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:06

Well hey, it's better than nothing.

cheeeksss | 29

#6727852 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:59

I mean, a diaper does the job too. Even better, in fact.

Steffi | 26

#6727868 - Monday 26 December 2016 4:45

It won't fit though.

Catdragon | 40

#6727945 - Monday 26 December 2016 7:28

That's how you make it fit and wear it like a thong

By CyberPsycho | 21

#6727840 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:07

At least you got something to fix it though. Either way, FYL.

By lestatsbride | 3

#6727842 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:12

If you carry a knife (i do) cut the tabs off the diaper and make it work

By claudiajean | 24

#6727845 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:23

Next time, just ask another woman - I don't think I've ever been laughed at or refused (if they've had something) because we've all been there!

By RichardPencil | 30

#6727848 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:31

You got screwed!

You should have gotten a French Tickler!

By luze_fml | 0

#6727850 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:32

Well that's bloody inconvenient.

By luther48 | 20

#6727853 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:59

Someone didn't read the terms and conditions

By ElusiveMee | 6

#6727856 - Monday 26 December 2016 4:13

Absorbent is absorbent. McGyver that bad boy and make it work.

By Cynical_1 | 26

#6727857 - Monday 26 December 2016 4:15

Did it have wings? lol

By EmmiAnne | 25

#6727866 - Monday 26 December 2016 4:37

When I first read that it dispensed a diaper I assumed someone had put a used dirty diaper in the machine. That would be even worse.