Health: Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Commando

Messed up

By Dale - Costa Rica

Today, I got to Costa Rica for my first vacation in five years. I immediately rented a scooter for the week after checking into my prepaid, no refunds, hotel. On the way back from the rental agency I hit a pothole and broke my leg and ripped the skin off my foot. I'm flying home tomorrow. FML

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By fjafja - Canada

Today, I was having a one night stand with a guy. He told me he wanted to do it doggie style, I said okay, and as soon as I bent over on the bed, looked at me and said, "Let's do this with the lights off". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my husband and kids celebrated my 50th birthday. I turned 47. FML

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By keerta_fml

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

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By girl on fire

Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML

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By Passtheicecream

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, a toddler's play ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

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By FlamedOut

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Drunken antics

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

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By kids shouldnt have hard sports equipment - Australia - Woodville

Today, I was knocked unconscious by the 10 year-old I was babysitting because it was his younger sister's bedtime and he didn't want her to go. When I came to, their mother was screaming at me for sleeping on the job. In the middle of the kitchen floor. I lost a job and gained a killer headache. FML

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By Oops

Today, I went commando for the first time at school. It went really well until gym class, when I got distracted and changed like I normally do. I didn’t realize my mistake until my friends started laughing. I accidentally stripped in front of my whole class. FML

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By richard - United States - Redmond

Today, fed up with my nerdy appearance, I got my hair shaved off, hoping for a Walter White kind of look. I didn't think it was too bad, but not even an hour later, I'd already been called a "fat Bruce Willis" and compared to a freshly circumcised penis. FML

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By John - Australia

Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

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By swedishguy - Sweden

Today, I was paying for coffee and accidentally touched hands with the girl behind the counter. As I was walking home, I realised that was the closest I've been to getting laid in two years. FML

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By cllutz - United States

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

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By erika - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to convert to Christianity. Not because she has a strong relation with God, but because she wants to post Facebook statuses about Him and "get a lot of likes." FML

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By Adil Ilahi - United Kingdom - Keighley

Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML

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By Ryoichi - Germany

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain

Today, my seasonal allergies started. Most annoying thing by far this allergy season? I only get the urge to sneeze when I have food in my mouth. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

Today, my mother-in-law confessed that for the longest time, she had fantasies about killing me for "ruining" her daughter's life, basically because I'm not wealthy enough for my mother-in-law's standards. She made sure to let me know the situation hasn't changed at all. FML

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By maalmawr - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

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By kkt - United States - Granbury

Today, my 15-year-old brother got busted for selling pills at school. The officer said they were reddish pink, so we searched the house for that kind of pill. Turns out it was my dog's medicine from over 4 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 05:56 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Understanding

Today, it was my dad's 60th. I was planning on calling him early, but due to a client (I'm a social worker) ending up in hospital because her husband beat her up, I couldn't call him until 2:30. My mum phoned me in tears, yelling that I was a bad daughter and obviously didn't care about my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

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By brokebihhhh - United States

Today, I decided to catch a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

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By foxyreegan - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

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By vanorav - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

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By Cold&Soaked

Today, I set my alarm and got up early to view the Super Blue Blood Moon. I was all wrapped up in a blanket and had a perfect view from my backyard. It’s been a truly amazing experience, made even more exciting by the sprinklers turning on. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By mr.palendrome - United States

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

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By bigvic780

Today, I fulfilled a lifelong dream by attending a Dallas Cowboys football game. Our sitter fell through at the last minute so I took my five-year-old son instead of my wife. We had to leave after the first quarter because he threw up everywhere. FML

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By heartbroken - United States - Cupertino

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML

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By shandrith - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML

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Top comments

By samlovesham1234 | 9

#6727883 - Monday 26 December 2016 5:35

Yep, the toilet paper thing I've done before, but only on the first day. Usually that was the day I got caught without a pad or tampon.

By Iamleftout | 1

#6727971 - Monday 26 December 2016 8:09

I don't understand why there is 184 'YDI' because she honestly couldn't help the sudden emergency. And before you say that she should've known to bring a pad sometimes feminine emergencies sneak up on me like that too.

COMMENTS

By jacqats | 13

#6727839 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:06

Well hey, it's better than nothing.

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6727852 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:59

I mean, a diaper does the job too. Even better, in fact.

Reply

Steffi | 26

#6727868 - Monday 26 December 2016 4:45

It won't fit though.

Reply

Catdragon | 40

#6727945 - Monday 26 December 2016 7:28

That's how you make it fit and wear it like a thong

By CyberPsycho | 21

#6727840 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:07

At least you got something to fix it though. Either way, FYL.

By lestatsbride | 3

#6727842 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:12

If you carry a knife (i do) cut the tabs off the diaper and make it work

By claudiajean | 24

#6727845 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:23

Next time, just ask another woman - I don't think I've ever been laughed at or refused (if they've had something) because we've all been there!

By RichardPencil | 29

#6727848 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:31

You got screwed!

You should have gotten a French Tickler!

By luze_fml | 0

#6727850 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:32

Well that's bloody inconvenient.

By luther48 | 20

#6727853 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:59

Someone didn't read the terms and conditions

By ElusiveMee | 6

#6727856 - Monday 26 December 2016 4:13

Absorbent is absorbent. McGyver that bad boy and make it work.

By Cynical_1 | 26

#6727857 - Monday 26 December 2016 4:15

Did it have wings? lol

By EmmiAnne | 25

#6727866 - Monday 26 December 2016 4:37

When I first read that it dispensed a diaper I assumed someone had put a used dirty diaper in the machine. That would be even worse.