Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying...

By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Great boyfriend

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 12:53 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me because he's sick of me being annoyed at him. Why am I annoyed at him? Because he wants to go and spend a week with his ex. FML

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By daisythebunny1988 - 21/3/2020 00:01

Cool

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

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By Eh... - 19/7/2009 07:25 - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

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By purplexangel - 2/8/2012 17:32 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I tried to stand by my toaster and train myself to not jump when it popped up. Not only did I jump, I also knocked the toaster off the counter and onto my toes. FML

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By Jonoq - 4/10/2019 16:00 - Canada

Stress factor 11

Today, in a 2-hour period at work, I had to talk to the cops, clean up shit and clean up vomit, yet none of these events were related. The worst part is, I work as a lifeguard and none of this is in the job description. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 16:11

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

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By scarredforlife - 3/10/2015 01:13 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, after taking my little niece out onto the balcony of her family's new apartment to enjoy the view, we watched as a man jay-walked across the street down below and was run over by a car. My niece is pretty much traumatized for life now. FML

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By WTFiswrongwithme - 3/3/2020 00:01

Desperate times, desperate, dumb measures

Today, I was so desperate for human interaction that I asked a deaf girl in my class if she liked music. I actually signed it to her. FML

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By woo. - 7/2/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street with my newly healed implants, when a drag queen approached me and asked who my doctor was, because I was the "most convincing transgender he had ever seen." I'm a woman. FML

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By houdinette - 22/11/2013 23:14 - Sweden - Norrk?ping

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2016 03:45 - United States - Boise

Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML

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By ineedanotherdrink - 7/8/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I went out drinking with a female friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, She said 'Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?'. Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy at the bar. FML

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By Chloe - 20/12/2010 18:08 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By thankspal - 24/6/2012 10:57 - United States

Today, while shopping, I bumped into a guy I knew in high school. He went on about he heard I'd got married, looked like I'd had a baby, and that, "she looks just like you!" The kid was my niece, and my husband broke up with me 2 years ago. Thanks for bringing that up. FML

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By uh-oh - 21/7/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

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By mylifesuckssomuch3214 - 7/12/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, after complaining to the administration about my roommate, I finally got switched. As I went into the room to meet my new roommate, I found out he was my old roommate's brother. They are exactly the same, and I'm not allowed to switch again. FML

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By cc - 10/10/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, I lent my sister $1000 because she and her husband were in some debt. They used the money to go gambling in Vegas and won a major jackpot. They won't even give me a cut. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 14:00

Today, my son begged me to take him to the doctor for the weeping bloody rash on his penis so I had to take an unpaid day off for his appointment. The doctor laughed us out the door after it turned out to be a good old-fashioned friction burn. FML

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By bride - 14/2/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

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By icareaboutmyhair - 28/2/2011 15:27 - Estonia

Today, I discovered I have dandruff, which I never had before. I googled the possible reasons and those are depression and hormones. Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. And apparently I'm depressed. How sexy is that? FML

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By anonymous - 21/10/2009 22:40 - France

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

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By imwrong - 10/2/2009 11:59 - Philippines

Today, I met a guy who said he thinks he's in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I get home to find my sister crying, because some 'person' told her boyfriend that she's cheating on him. FML

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By JustRidingMyBike - 4/1/2017 17:11

Today, I started my new job as a supervisor. I began by cleaning out my new office, including recycling large sheets of cardboard left over from the new calendars. When the 2nd shift came in, however, they got very upset and yelled at me. Apparently, I had thrown away my Muslim workers' prayer mats. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2017 03:29 - United Kingdom

Love Hurts

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 06:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

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By garage - 27/1/2010 06:21 - France

Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML

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By NotTilly - 10/3/2010 14:54 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 11:40 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

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By management - 21/2/2014 02:31 - United States

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 05:10

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

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By blushingbride - 9/2/2014 21:59 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 16:06 - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2018 00:00 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

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By Kait - 19/6/2019 08:07 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I went on a Tinder date. Sort of. I got ready and went to the bar he'd chosen. I waited 15 minutes for him to show. We exchanged ”Hellos,” then he said he was going to grab a drink and walked off. He didn’t come back. Damn, was it the way I said, “Hello”? FML

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By WTTFFFF - 9/5/2014 17:24 - United States - Tecumseh

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

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By Tris - 12/9/2019 16:00

Talk is cheap

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 00:02 - United Kingdom

Scruffy 'erbert

Today, I was in the garden of my new house when a neighbour came over and told me to clear off or she would call the owner to tell them they were being burgled. When I told her I was the owner, she said I was clearly unsuitable to be living on this street, and to stop lying before she called the police. FML

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By WrongPlaceWrongTime - 25/6/2016 18:51 - France

Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML

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By notalcoholic - 9/12/2009 05:29 - Philippines

Today, my roommate gave me a self-help book on alcoholism for my birthday. He's an alcoholic. I gave him that book around 8 months ago. FML

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Top comments

By Doortje | 28

#2179258 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:48

Ooh, pogo sticks!
Definitely worth it.
But YDI for eating that much. Try to control yourself next time.

By Jimboom | 11

#2179784 - Monday 14 March 2011 10:33

Yes I see. Another victim of Pogo dieting. Less dangerous than Yo-yo dieting but more messy.

Comments

By kenshinjapan | 2

#2179252 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:47

idiot.

Civilianswilldie | 0

#2183224 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:54

I'm sorry OP but my sympathy meter seems to be on E.

jeffav51 | 0

#2183699 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:03

totally dude.

primadonna9396 | 16

#2200208 - Friday 18 March 2011 18:24

Agreed. Who the fuck goes to Olive Garden under the age of 70?

Brennanrulez | 0

#2222728 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 13:28

who the hell gets sick from a pogo stick?

moonbootz | 7

#6043372 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 22:45

hahahahaha

By Doortje | 28

#2179258 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:48

Ooh, pogo sticks!
Definitely worth it.
But YDI for eating that much. Try to control yourself next time.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2180390 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:01

pogo sticks are awesome :D

vegan_muffin | 4

#2181231 - Monday 14 March 2011 19:19

not as awesome as DISCO sticks.

SwaggerMelon | 6

#2181696 - Monday 14 March 2011 22:30

58 Win ^

ofernando84 | 4

#2181846 - Monday 14 March 2011 23:29

How can u not over eat at Olive Garden? Breadsticks are free goddammit!

By 510beauty | 0

#2179275 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:54

YDI

By kingtz | 6

#2179279 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:55

Yeah, ydi for pigging out.

By JacindasaurXD | 0

#2179317 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:08

I've never road a pogo stick:(
consider yourself lucky hehe

kingtz | 6

#2179327 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:11

Road?

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#2179797 - Monday 14 March 2011 10:39

Tree?

lukethe | 0

#2180238 - Monday 14 March 2011 14:01

Not only did you spell 'rode' wrong, you were saying it in the wrong tense... "I've never RIDDEN..."

Jeeeeez!

cptmorgan15 | 2

#2180496 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:32

I don't know about you people, but i don't ride pogo sticks either. I have used one though.

theian01 | 3

#2181009 - Monday 14 March 2011 17:49

You can ride MY pogo stuck ;-D

*gets shot*

theian01 | 3

#2181017 - Monday 14 March 2011 17:50

Umm. stick. stupid phone.

QueenOfBoredom | 0

#2181028 - Monday 14 March 2011 17:53

i snickered at this ^_^

Epic_Phale615 | 0

#2181376 - Monday 14 March 2011 20:24

I love snickers!

kris12k4 | 4

#2183201 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:46

epic fail, yeah that happens alot

oooKiLLaHooo | 0

#2183757 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:20

I love this comment..it's soo dumb..33 is right unless #5 is dead..

oooKiLLaHooo | 0

#2183770 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:22

then it's still wrong..lol..whoops..

By j300zx | 0

#2179325 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:11

Awesome combination.

By clashatdemonhead | 3

#2179335 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:19

wow you're stupid. hopefully you never get pregnant, a repeat of this and you'd give yourself an abortion

Celesta | 11

#2180405 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:04

Why would you assume she'd use a pogo stick while pregnant?

MoreLemonPledge | 0

#2183048 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 3:22

you look like a girl I knew named mardy or marty or something

clashatdemonhead | 3

#2184123 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 9:02

just a guess haha

By afdude87 | 6

#2179338 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:20

odd combination

By givants | 0

#2179364 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:36

I case you don't get it, she/he threw up

Doortje | 28

#2179369 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:41

THAT'S why her shoes are two different colours?! Oooh, I totally get it now, thank you so much!

john7h567hgrd | 0

#2179376 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:45

Ooooh!! I didn't understand this AT ALL...

ImRickJamesBish | 0

#2180197 - Monday 14 March 2011 13:42

#10 thank you because I certainly did not get it!

cptmorgan15 | 2

#2180499 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:34

Haha PHEW! Thank god there's someone smart enough to figure this out for us.

jbsington | 8

#2180540 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:48

lol, sarcasm, sarcasm...

Exhausti | 0

#2181258 - Monday 14 March 2011 19:34

#48

Seriously?! :O

free2speak | 14

#2181306 - Monday 14 March 2011 19:51

ohh! I thought she pooped her pants! oops on my part!

gtkt3 | 0

#2183455 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:07

number thirteen is a faggot

By NeverLetGo13 | 0

#2179383 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:49

I modded this and btw op your a fool

j300zx | 0

#2179953 - Monday 14 March 2011 12:13

That's what she said^^^
Ha!