Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying...

By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

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By ThatOneGirl646 - 12/1/2012 00:49 - United States

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

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By okaydisarray - 4/7/2015 02:31 - United States - Dayton

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

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By ohcrap - 2/6/2011 10:05 - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By Nutty - 16/11/2018 22:00

Today, I finally spent the night with a new guy after recently ending a 3-year toxic relationship. The new guy disappeared for 2 hours in the middle of the night, then came back to bed. Turns out he was busy snogging my housemate. I really choose them well. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - 17/1/2010 21:08 - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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By talhabilal - 11/3/2010 14:28 - Pakistan

Today, I found out that my entire family thinks I have no friends, am expressionless (to quote, "a robot") and that my monotonous voice hints at the suppressed depression hidden deep inside me. According to them, I need psychic evaluation. It all came out at a family reunion. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2009 10:26 - United States

Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes blamed the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 04:05 - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

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By Sam - 1/4/2015 11:37 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 01:59 - United States - South Salem

Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML

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By Zak - 23/3/2012 23:10 - United States

Today, I've been sick with both a chest cold and a sore throat. As a result, I've also been dehydrated, causing me to have a headache. Whenever I cough, I feel like my throat is being ripped apart and my head is about to explode. FML

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By anonymous - 10/11/2015 22:15 - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

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By brighteyes - 31/1/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I tried to befriend the lonely boy who sits at the end of my table at lunch. He always sleeps or does homework during lunch. I walked over to him, tripped, and spilled my open bottle of water on his jeans. I apologized profusely and wiped off his pants with napkins. He got hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2014 17:07 - United States - Tuscaloosa

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

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By Tay - 17/2/2012 01:29 - Australia

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

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By Saduglydad - 12/12/2012 16:05 - United States - Houston

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2009 21:16 - United States

Today, completely excited, I told my mom about this guy from high school, that I had really liked and who had found me on Facebook. He said he regretted not asking me out in high school and offered to fly me out to visit him. Her response? "Has he seen what you look like now?" FML

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By Nursr187 - 21/1/2018 15:00

Today, my wife asked me to back up all the photos and videos from our desktop computer so I synced it with my Google account. Every graphic picture and video my wife and I have ever exchanged was sent to all 3 of our children's tablets. My daughter cried all night. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 02:54 - United States

Today, my car got keyed because I was parked in a handicapped parking spot. I'm handicapped. FML

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By MicachuPikachu - 28/11/2013 06:39 - United States - Independence

Today, to make it seem like the customers actually liked me, I told my coworkers I got tipped $12. Sadly, that "$12 tip" came from my own pocket. FML

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By Noname - 24/2/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I got up early and really put some extra effort into my appearance to catch the eye of a cute guy at work. I walked in and the woman that sits in the desk beside me looks over and says, "wow, are you sick? You're not looking too good." FML

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By startingover - 18/7/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 16:47 - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

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By stupid - 7/7/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 19:05 - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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By Blue - 19/11/2008 11:02 - France

Today, I bought myself an MP3 player. Later, I was laying in bed, listening to music and eating a bowl of cereal, when I went to move the bowl of cereal on the bedside table for some shut eye. I dropped my MP3 player into the leftover milk. FML

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By Kml - 14/11/2016 12:31

Today, and like every year, my godmother sent me a card asking me why I never call her, and why we don't go out on my birthday. Six years ago, she told me on my birthday I was going to hell for moving with my boyfriend and then sprayed me with perfume. He is now my husband, and she claims she forgot. FML

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By BirdBrain - 14/12/2017 19:00

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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By dpap - 18/1/2013 23:03 - United States - Waukee

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. The first thing my dad did was comment that given how pretty she looked in our photos, and compared to how she looks in real life, she's amazing at using Photoshop. FML

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By incendiaaa - 24/2/2013 11:17 - Australia

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

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By sealy - 28/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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By forgotten - 2/10/2009 07:46 - United Kingdom

Today, being the nice grandchild that I am, I went to visit my grandmother. She didn't recognise who I was. I thought she was joking. She later called the police as 'some weirdo had walked into her house.' I am that weirdo, she wasn't joking. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 10:46 - United States

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

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By dck128 - 29/8/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

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By welptimetoburntheplacedown - 11/8/2014 15:02 - United States - Louisville

Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, I was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog. While stopping for gas, we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car. The dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks. We were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived. FML

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By pixie09 - 8/11/2010 20:43 - United States

Today, I got sentenced to 20 hours community service for having a boy in my room an hour after floor hours. If I don't do the community service, I could get kicked out of the dorm and put on probation at my college. We were breaking up. FML

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By Who-is-living-with-whom - 3/11/2016 06:10

Today, my mother finally finalized her divorce! Unfortunately, she'll have to sell the house, and when she does, she'll move in with me. I only moved out a month ago. FML

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By Randy Savage - 2/2/2009 16:29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. As a horny dude how could I say no? Turns out Alex is also a guys name. FML

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By Username - 29/5/2019 12:15

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. FML

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Top comments

By Doortje | 28

#2179258 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:48

Ooh, pogo sticks!
Definitely worth it.
But YDI for eating that much. Try to control yourself next time.

By Jimboom | 11

#2179784 - Monday 14 March 2011 10:33

Yes I see. Another victim of Pogo dieting. Less dangerous than Yo-yo dieting but more messy.

COMMENTS

By kenshinjapan | 2

#2179252 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:47

idiot.

Civilianswilldie | 0

#2183224 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:54

I'm sorry OP but my sympathy meter seems to be on E.

jeffav51 | 0

#2183699 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:03

totally dude.

primadonna9396 | 16

#2200208 - Friday 18 March 2011 18:24

Agreed. Who the fuck goes to Olive Garden under the age of 70?

Brennanrulez | 0

#2222728 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 13:28

who the hell gets sick from a pogo stick?

moonbootz | 7

#6043372 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 22:45

hahahahaha

By Doortje | 28

#2179258 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:48

Ooh, pogo sticks!
Definitely worth it.
But YDI for eating that much. Try to control yourself next time.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2180390 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:01

pogo sticks are awesome :D

vegan_muffin | 4

#2181231 - Monday 14 March 2011 19:19

not as awesome as DISCO sticks.

SwaggerMelon | 6

#2181696 - Monday 14 March 2011 22:30

58 Win ^

ofernando84 | 4

#2181846 - Monday 14 March 2011 23:29

How can u not over eat at Olive Garden? Breadsticks are free goddammit!

By 510beauty | 0

#2179275 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:54

YDI

By kingtz | 6

#2179279 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:55

Yeah, ydi for pigging out.

By JacindasaurXD | 0

#2179317 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:08

I've never road a pogo stick:(
consider yourself lucky hehe

kingtz | 6

#2179327 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:11

Road?

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#2179797 - Monday 14 March 2011 10:39

Tree?

lukethe | 0

#2180238 - Monday 14 March 2011 14:01

Not only did you spell 'rode' wrong, you were saying it in the wrong tense... "I've never RIDDEN..."

Jeeeeez!

cptmorgan15 | 2

#2180496 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:32

I don't know about you people, but i don't ride pogo sticks either. I have used one though.

theian01 | 3

#2181009 - Monday 14 March 2011 17:49

You can ride MY pogo stuck ;-D

*gets shot*

theian01 | 3

#2181017 - Monday 14 March 2011 17:50

Umm. stick. stupid phone.

QueenOfBoredom | 0

#2181028 - Monday 14 March 2011 17:53

i snickered at this ^_^

Epic_Phale615 | 0

#2181376 - Monday 14 March 2011 20:24

I love snickers!

kris12k4 | 4

#2183201 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:46

epic fail, yeah that happens alot

oooKiLLaHooo | 0

#2183757 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:20

I love this comment..it's soo dumb..33 is right unless #5 is dead..

oooKiLLaHooo | 0

#2183770 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:22

then it's still wrong..lol..whoops..

By j300zx | 0

#2179325 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:11

Awesome combination.

By clashatdemonhead | 3

#2179335 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:19

wow you're stupid. hopefully you never get pregnant, a repeat of this and you'd give yourself an abortion

Celesta | 11

#2180405 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:04

Why would you assume she'd use a pogo stick while pregnant?

MoreLemonPledge | 0

#2183048 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 3:22

you look like a girl I knew named mardy or marty or something

clashatdemonhead | 3

#2184123 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 9:02

just a guess haha

By afdude87 | 6

#2179338 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:20

odd combination

By givants | 0

#2179364 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:36

I case you don't get it, she/he threw up

Doortje | 28

#2179369 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:41

THAT'S why her shoes are two different colours?! Oooh, I totally get it now, thank you so much!

john7h567hgrd | 0

#2179376 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:45

Ooooh!! I didn't understand this AT ALL...

ImRickJamesBish | 0

#2180197 - Monday 14 March 2011 13:42

#10 thank you because I certainly did not get it!

cptmorgan15 | 2

#2180499 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:34

Haha PHEW! Thank god there's someone smart enough to figure this out for us.

jbsington | 8

#2180540 - Monday 14 March 2011 15:48

lol, sarcasm, sarcasm...

Exhausti | 0

#2181258 - Monday 14 March 2011 19:34

#48

Seriously?! :O

free2speak | 14

#2181306 - Monday 14 March 2011 19:51

ohh! I thought she pooped her pants! oops on my part!

gtkt3 | 0

#2183455 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:07

number thirteen is a faggot

By NeverLetGo13 | 0

#2179383 - Monday 14 March 2011 9:49

I modded this and btw op your a fool

j300zx | 0

#2179953 - Monday 14 March 2011 12:13

That's what she said^^^
Ha!