Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic... - FML

By laundryduty - 15/6/2019 20:14

Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

DINOSAURS!!

Compassion

By nameless - 9/11/2010 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got on a bus that was so overcrowded I had to stand next to the driver with nothing to hang on to. A drunk man got on and for the rest of the half hour journey continuously fell on me, when I got off he smiled and told me as the doors were closing "the last twelve times was for fun." FML

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By Lois - 9/2/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

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By Robert - 31/12/2018 09:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, a brief survey of everyone I know revealed that everyone, including my parents, sibling, and best friends, thinks I'm gay. I had to do the first reverse coming out in history. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 07:04 - United States

Today, I got a call from this girl I really like. Surprised, as I never get anything other than a text from her, I answered. All I heard were rustling sounds. She had pocket dialed me. FML

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By Victoria - 18/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Perth

My name is?

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

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By spandex - 24/3/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I had to perform a skit in my class in which I have to wear tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt like I had done a good job. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML

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By owwthatfarts - 27/1/2017 11:53 - United States - Worcester

Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML

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By Shobz - 26/10/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 15:03 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML

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By SaMike - 1/9/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2010 15:40 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

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By anon - 27/12/2013 07:28 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

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By wasted_gas - 5/10/2013 16:00 - United States - Cumming

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

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By WishesWasDeaf - 31/1/2010 01:35 - United States

Today, I was stuck sitting at a cafeteria table next to the girl who broke my heart and her boyfriend. I got to overhear the conversation, which included "I want to go to the car" followed by "Me too, but I don't have a condom." FML

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By Frouse - 4/6/2019 16:00

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

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By mael - 25/11/2008 08:54 - France

Today, I was looking for a magazine in my mother's bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. Apparently, my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad's cock is bent. Nauseous. FML

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By sharky - 5/10/2012 20:25 - United States

Today, I have a massive headache, thanks to my asshat of a roommate, who decided to balance our tea kettle on the top of the kitchen door. When I stumbled into the kitchen, half-awake, it came smashing down onto my head. FML

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By really? - 28/5/2013 08:09 - United States - Highland

Today, I was stuck home with a cold when my boyfriend's best friend sent me a text saying, "You doing alright?" I replied, thinking he was talking about my health. He replied, "I'm surprised you're taking the breakup so well." What breakup? Mine. He was ten minutes too soon. FML

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By Jesse from - 3/8/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

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By hbt51 - 17/8/2015 19:56 - United States - Blue Ridge

Today, while out jogging, I was suddenly hit with unbelievable gastric distress. I wasn't wearing brown pants when I set out on that jog, but I sure was when I made it back home. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 23:31 - United States - Iowa City

Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML

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By Rellies - 2/5/2019 02:00

Today, my husband is finally fully recovered from getting decompression sickness during our scuba diving vacation. Today is also the day I snapped my femur in half while skiing. FML

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By just outdone - 31/12/2016 04:45 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

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By apaterra - 4/11/2015 17:30 - United States

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

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By singlesummer - 25/6/2012 08:32 - United States - Compton

Today, I was watching a movie alone, after receiving a text from my boyfriend saying that his grandma was at the hospital, so he couldn't go with me. I caught him on a date with another girl, at the same movie screening that I went to. FML

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By ihateloopholes - 21/6/2015 20:42 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, I found out that the blind man I've been helping for months at the grocery store by carrying his shopping around and stuff was actually faking his blindness. FML

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By jojobobo - 2/12/2017 19:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I started to tear up and told her I had something stuck in my eye. I was secretly thrilled as I had been trying to end it for weeks. Seeing me cry, she immediately took it back. I really just had something stuck in my eye. FML

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By Karim - 12/12/2012 05:29 - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family for the first time. My mother's immediate reaction was, "We didn't know you were gay!" No mom, she really is a girl. FML

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By MelanieP - 29/8/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, for the first time in a week, a customer entered my store. He needed to use the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

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By ladyhead - 18/12/2008 16:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I am a Frenchie who's been in England for two months. While wanting to say to my technician that my manager made me groan during our meeting, I said that he made me moan. Now he keeps looking at me with a grin on his face. FML

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By KismetSiren - 23/11/2016 10:30 - United States - Hoffman Forest

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

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By cdubb27 - 11/10/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a foul smell while on elliptical machine. I figured it was the little old lady on the machine next to me. It was so bad I had to leave. When I got in my truck, I realized the smell had followed me. It was me. My cat had pissed on my workout clothes. FML

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By Noname - 19/1/2009 23:12 - Australia

Today, I was watching TV and realised I am attracted to Sandra Oh. FML

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By pianoblues - 17/10/2016 20:22 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, I did a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I have experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

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By promposer - 4/4/2016 18:55 - United States - Dobbs Ferry

Today, I asked a girl to prom by having 5 friends hold up signs saying "P-R-O-M-?" while I snuck up behind her. She said yes... to my friend holding the "?", who she thought was the one asking her. FML

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By stubblebutt - 13/11/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

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By dxplq876 - 17/3/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the grocery store and out of no where, a car backing up pretty fast speeds downs the parking lot and hits me, causing me to fall down and drop all of the groceries. The woman jumped out of her car, not to help me, but to carefully check her bumper for scratches. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7812429 - Saturday 15 June 2019 20:32

Did you check to see if you still had both of yours?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7812719 - Monday 17 June 2019 2:44

Balls to that job!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7812429 - Saturday 15 June 2019 20:32

Did you check to see if you still had both of yours?

By BJ1988 | 10

#7812577 - Sunday 16 June 2019 11:11

Neutered your dog it makes them less nuts

By nonameDE | 10

#7812671 - Sunday 16 June 2019 21:16

Oh. That is a completely new conclusion how spay works...

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7812718 - Monday 17 June 2019 2:42

That was a neutering. You spay a female.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7812719 - Monday 17 June 2019 2:44

Balls to that job!