By ApparentlyNotEno - 05/06/2013 20:40 - United States - Martinsburg
ApparentlyNotEno tells us more.
OP here. We've actually had a threesome together and loved it. But she specifically wants to be with other men without me there.
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Me and my wife have an open marriage, though to be honest neither of us is the most attractive person so its rare for something to come of it. We actually sometimes go even into polyamory, though that only happened twice so far. We are maybe the closest couple I have ever met, not that I want to brag. Being honest enough to say we want these things and trusting enough to believe they will still love you and not get jealous is a big hurdle, but they are their own reward. So I just want it out there that this doesn't come out of a doomed marriage or no love for each other or no commitment to each other... Open marriage happens because not wanting to have your SO have sex with other people is an evolutionary drive, and some people just are affected less, and those people want to have more fun and don't see why its an issue. Its not an issue unless its an issue, by which I mean, if both people are completely happy with it its completely fine. On the other hand, the OP's situation is messed up because only one person wants it. So yeah, run away man.
Has she never heard of sex being referred to as "making love"?
OP here. To answer some questions: She says she only wants to "make love" to me, but she wants to be allowed to fuck other men. We've had a threesome and both loved it, but she specifically wants to be able to sleep with other guys without my presence, and I have a specific distaste for being excluded. And she dropped this bomb on me the week we got engaged, after more than 18 months together. She had never mentioned it before.
OP, some couples are in open relationships/open marriages and are perfectly happy. The fact that she waited so late in the relationship is a problem though. You and fiancé needs to be able to talk about these types of things. Maybe it's because there's underlying issues that aren't being talked about, for example maybe she just has a higher sex drive than you. If she's waited so late to mention this she might have cheated in your relationship, which worries me. You mentioned that you and your fiancé had a threesome and enjoyed it so maybe that's what she was kind of hinting at.
open marriages do work. One tends to get bored with having sex with the same person after a while. If sex can be looked at as recreational fun, then why not?
I also know a few. One is a married couple that comes to my job. The husband uses his wife to flirt and set up threesomes. (Mostly another guy is added) He prefers to watch. Personally, I don't understand it and think why bother to get married vs stay single? but to each their own. Not every relationship is cookie cut. As long as a couple is in agreement, who's to said it's doomed? Also keep in mind, the subject was only brought up to the OP today. Who's to say he wouldn't accept her views somewhere down the road? :P
Because sex isn't the defining factor of love. That's why they don't stay single. Coming home to the same person, knowing that person is always going to be there for you, and will always love you is important. Knowing that you can also enjoy sex with your partner in a way that wouldn't ordinarily be allowed (a threeway, for instance) can also be immensely satisfying.
She is basically asking your permission to cheat, and you be okay with it. No! Leave as fast as you can. That is complete crap. It does kinda make sense on her part, but ask her if she'd be okay with you screwing her best friend. I bet she tries to chop your nuts off for the suggestion.
That's just my opinion on it. Obviously OP is not okay with it. And if they'd been together for a year and a half, and she's been wanting to get married for the last year, its a HUGE betrayal for her to just come out and say that after he proposed. Its completely BS. She's been wanting to get married for a year, so why the hell in all that time did she not bring up her preferences in marriage. And he's right to not accept her for this. I sure as hell wouldn't. She wants to have sex with other men, without him being anywhere near it because otherwise she won't have her fun.
Is It a huge betrayal? Or is it a way of making your preference is clear before you make a huge jump into the commitment of marriage? Better he knows now and is able to decide for himself. If she had declared this once deep into the marriage, the implication would be that she is now bored and needs to look elsewhere. If she says it now she can describe it as a simple preference regardless.