Intimacy: Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my...

By yournick - 31/01/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 144

You deserved it 4 803

Intimacy

Broken heart

The patriarchy rules

You just had to be special

By Lifeless - 01/06/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 384

You deserved it 12 423

By soapysoap - 10/12/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 778

You deserved it 4 918

By Trainspotting - 03/04/2011 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 689

You deserved it 3 713

By monkeyzz - 12/10/2012 11:11 - United States - Sonora

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out on his deck out back. When leaving, I heard the sliding glass door open on the upper deck, I froze in the yard to not be seen. Too bad I didn't move. Apparently his dad pees off the deck at night. I had to walk home covered in pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 442

You deserved it 6 938

Power grid

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 19:01 - United States - Seagraves

Today, I was at the dentist's and she was hands deep in my mouth with a drill, when the power for the whole block shuts off. For 3 hours, the dentist had to keep shooting me up with shots to numb the horrible pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 56

By Anonymous - 06/11/2013 17:29 - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 867

You deserved it 4 444

By RyoKioKio - 30/05/2017 20:00

Today, just like every day for the past two weeks, my mother has told me just how much she doesn't want me to move out. I, once again, have had to remind her that she isn't the one I'm trying to get away from. I'm not a fan of being repeatedly smacked with a coffee mug by my 78-year-old grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 768

You deserved it 172

Flee!

By Anonymous - 17/06/2021 22:01

Today, the family member who molested me for several years as a kid, works as a social worker in the same building where I’m treated for the unresolved trauma they caused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 67

Some things haven't changed

By Jonathan - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Denmark

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 424

You deserved it 10 145

By Anonymous - 23/03/2013 17:30 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 061

You deserved it 5 481

By WellPlayedMother - 24/08/2016 06:15

Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually lose anything. Instead, my mom drunkenly admitted to tossing my stuff away and then punishing me for it whenever she was mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 410

You deserved it 1 010

By Bece420 - 11/02/2019 12:00 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I decided to try a 7-minute exercise video to start working out and get in shape. I couldn’t make it though the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 449

Practical

By Abused - 13/10/2010 08:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 820

You deserved it 20 047

Right place, wrong person

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 05:01

Today, I came home and heard a noise in the bathroom. I figured it was my girlfriend, so I went over and as the door closed, I told her not to close the door as I've seen her beautiful body before. Turns out it was our roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 283

You deserved it 996

Fun fun fun

By BeautifulDisastre - 23/12/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 477

You deserved it 4 745

Thanks, I hate it

By MdT - 23/05/2009 11:51 - South Africa

Today, my family returned from a holiday in Egypt. A holiday that I really wanted to spend with them. As if leaving me behind wasn't bad enough, they then made me watch a 200-picture slideshow of how much fun they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 784

You deserved it 3 683

By toilet on the clock - 08/06/2016 10:40 - China - Guangzhou

Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 712

You deserved it 1 255

By fbcaught - 09/02/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 731

You deserved it 38 354

By GLX - 14/06/2017 17:00 - United States - Sand Springs

Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 676

You deserved it 251

By Anonymous - 11/09/2015 10:51 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 401

You deserved it 8 833

By magicalDEATH - 19/01/2010 17:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 012

You deserved it 35 168

Smoking kills

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 12:59 - United States - Steele

Today, my grandmother - who has been a heavy smoker for almost forty years, and does not believe in the dangers of smoking - was diagnosed with COPD. Also, I'm now at a greater risk of developing COPD because of her (and my parents, who also smoke). FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 69

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 19:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 409

You deserved it 10 738

By RoxahTheGreat - 26/12/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I was unloading things into a hotel. As I went to get a bag out in the hallway, the room door closed and I had no key. When I knocked and asked my family to let me back in, no one answered. The doors are clearly not soundproof. I could hear them debating whether or not to let me back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 366

You deserved it 4 056

By Anonymous - 04/10/2014 14:58 - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 883

You deserved it 3 190

By Anonymous - 18/05/2013 19:34 - United States - Coatesville

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she apparently saw me making out with her sister. She doesn't even have a sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 394

You deserved it 4 666

By Skidaddle123 - 23/08/2011 16:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 916

You deserved it 9 692

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I asked my mother if we were eating supper soon so I could take a nap. She said "no" so I went into my room and fell asleep. When I woke up, everybody was gone. My entire family of 6 went to Olive Garden while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 725

You deserved it 4 675

By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 09:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to use my epilator on my eyebrows. Needless to say I now have the eyebrow equivalent of a comb-over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 892

You deserved it 27 126

By Anonymous - 30/09/2015 10:18 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 175

You deserved it 2 106

By Samipearl - 12/11/2010 14:06 - United States

Today, while at a restaurant with my boyfriend, a piece of ice got stuck in my throat. I couldn't get his attention until after it melted because he was busy checking in on foursquare. When he finally noticed my freaking out and I told him what had happened, he laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 422

You deserved it 6 372

By Anonyme - 10/06/2011 23:07 - France

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 157

You deserved it 3 910

By Anonymous - 22/11/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I was pulled over. The cop seemed very familiar. Turns out he was a relative of mine whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. We had decent conversation and caught up. He still gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 979

You deserved it 17 927

By Anonymous - 12/01/2016 15:44 - United States - Craig

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 769

You deserved it 5 311

By KismetSiren - 23/11/2016 10:30 - United States - Hoffman Forest

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 717

You deserved it 655

By happymum - 30/09/2011 11:10 - Netherlands

Today, I lost my watch at the pool. After giving a detailed description of it at the desk, I was really happy to hear someone had found it and handed it in. Too bad I was too late, because someone had already claimed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 172

You deserved it 2 546

Caught red-handed

By caught - 09/01/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 258

You deserved it 36 157

By Anonymous - 18/09/2017 01:30

Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 200

You deserved it 2 692

By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 06:29 - United States

Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 906

You deserved it 5 322

By SadGuy - 26/04/2011 06:18 - United Kingdom

Today, the ex-girlfriend I'm still in love with sent me an old picture with the caption, "I miss us." She looked beautiful and happy. Too bad I'm not the guy she's kissing in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 500

You deserved it 3 770

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Top comments

boopityboppity 11

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:36

Ah, the joys of being a cashier. Some of the people are just so strange. This one person — not entirely unlike the OP's — came through my line with one pregnancy test and a single coat hanger. I hope it was a practical joke or something, in both of our cases.

MrBoredGuy 1

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:22

crazy old men and their sexual needs, surprised he only got one can

haha1494 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:19

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 3:27

Everybody needs some lovin, even old people. Just because they smell funny and look like prunes doesn't mean they can't get their grove on.

roeallen 11

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 2:34

I am sure he only wanted to make sure his other boxes at home would last the night.

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 3:05

good on him, old people need love as well even if they smell funny and look like prunes.

CabZ_fml 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 7:53

LOL that is actually really funny, but pedophile old mans these days are crazy as f*ck.

Yeahmyass 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 14:44

dude that suxx

KayleighRenee 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 21:20

Funniest FML I've ever seen.

UnderTheMoon 0

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Sunday 27 February 2011 8:14

What do you expect? Creeper: "This is for.... Uh... A presentation."

kyrarox 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:41

umm ew!

jmac317 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:44

thats hot xD

banana_buddy 6

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 2:04

A pinata in the shape of a penis and filled with whipped cream instead of candy? What kind of message r u sending out to the kids by making them whack a giant penis and then getting covered in cream.

AwkwardPartyBear 24

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 2:18

lol i had this sudden picture of Herbert the Pervert from family guy

MrBoredGuy 1

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:22

crazy old men and their sexual needs, surprised he only got one can

courtlynnnn 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 6:43

just one or a pack?

agm2010 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 6:20

explain the coat hanger?:/

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 8:18

Representing beamers baybaaay. Lovin' the BMW logo. ;)

mouras 5

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:28

you are so fucking melodramatic

skyyy_fml 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 2:57

someones gettin freaky tonight;D

boopityboppity 11

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:36

agm2010 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 8:41

coat hanger !? explain plz ?!

takeapieandrun 9

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 10:13

Self-completed Abortion

ilaleahcim 6

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 10:14

They used coat hangers to abort babies back in the day.

agm2010 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 6:55

wow. .:( I wish I didn't ask. thanks anyways.

sh33na_is_a_punk 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:46

fyl that's sux

furburger 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:39

Scarred you for life? I could see if he touched you inappropriately, started playing pocket pool, or told you he knew where you lived. But, a creepy smile? Unless this very old man is your dad or grandpa, I think you will get over it in a couple of weeks, max.