Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, I had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. Right when I'd finished, I ran out of gas. My 83 year-old grandmother saw. FML
Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML
Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML
Today, I found out that my grandmother desecrated my grandfather's grave. 14 years after his death, she dug up his body and had him cremated so that she could sell his plot back to the cemetery for money. I was the one who found out so I had to tell the rest of the family. FML
Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML
Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML
Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML
Today, my grandma called me to see how my oral surgery went. She gave me a kiss over the phone, but when I tried to make the kiss sound back to her, the bandages got in the way and it came out as a fart sound. FML
Today, I just learned that the silly song my parents taught me as a small child, and would sometimes make me sing for the family, is actually a very thinly veiled series of penis jokes. Why just now? Because I hadn't thought about it for years, until my grandma brought it up at a reunion. FML
Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Dillyduzit 23
Nutrients.
sarah5745 41
You'd have been better off without that piece of information. Thanks grandma..
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (73)
seninaa 27
I heard that it helps the growth
splash69_fml 14
That would make me BURY my head in my hands in embarrassment--- No? Ok I'll leave now...
hard_candy 25
or bury your head in the ground. like an ostrich. just don't go thinking you can find OP's foreskin now.
ckerane 16
I feel sick
vikky538 29
now you know why those roses are like that....
xxughmylifexx 15
There's a lot more cards to play, and she's got a lifetime of stories to tell. Gl
clumsylobster 17
That must have cut you
veroonicaaggg 10
why would they keep it?
ZevVeli 10
I may be mistaken about this, but I'm fairly certain that part of ritualistic circumcision in Judaism (if there are any Jewish commenters who know differently please correct me I am just an ignorant Gentile trying to develop my cultural understanding) is to bury the foreskin underneath of a plant.
melooters 11
More like crimes against humanity
starile 20
... That's exactly the point of the card game title, 22. It's a play on words. Congrats for discovering it.
ShitHappen_fml 15
That is just GROSS!
Uuuuxc 7
FML, Card Against Humanity, and Thanksgiving? Is this a cross-over episode?