Intimacy: Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched... - FML

By Trainer Calypso - United States - Schofield

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

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Serious times

Taking stock

Class Wars - UK Edition

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

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By sadgoblin

Today, the cashier at Walmart kept getting distracted and laughing hysterically while ringing up my items because she couldn’t get past how much I "look like a goblin". She then called her manager over, who agreed. FML

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By delamer - United States

Today, I found out we have new neighbors in our apartment complex that park in the stall next to our truck. Turns out their car is the same make of our truck. And it also turns out that when I unlock our truck it will set off their car alarm - every time. FML

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By manymisfortunes - Canada - Lachine

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jacinto

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

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By Kevin

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By Zodiacfall

Precision strike

Today, I replaced my bedsheets with new, clean ones. I went to the bathroom to wash up, and when I came back, my cat had peed exactly where my head would be. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

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By markzar - United States - Amherst

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

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By synyster505 - United States

Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML

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By Oreo

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, in art class, our instructor called me up to the front to model for a drawing. I agreed to pose because it was nice to be called on, and I needed a self-esteem boost. He then thanked me, saying it's a great exercise for the class to draw such strange proportions. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my closest friends informed me that she wasn't going to invite me to her wedding, because I'm too shy and not enough fun, and she doesn't want her 200 or so guests to feel uncomfortable. I was the one who set the happy couple up. FML

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By bad date - United States - Bennet

Today, my date made me pay him for picking me up, and taking me back home. FML

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By keerta_fml

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blairstown

Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML

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By you're shitting me - Australia

Today, after months of tests for mystery nerve pain, I went to get more blood taken only to leave the clinic with an empty tin to collect my bowel movements for the next 72 hours. Which needs to be refrigerated. I live with 4 other people, with one fridge. FML

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By yif2 - United States

Today, while mowing my backyard, I messily discovered that a family of rabbits has been living out there in the tall grass. FML

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By KC - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 05:01

Frustration level: 2000

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got home late after a long day at work and all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. As soon as the water in the shower was hot, I got in. One minute, I was standing and the next I was fast asleep at the bottom of the tub. I woke up with my face swollen and my shoulder bruised. FML

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By helosthisshit - United Kingdom - Linlithgow

Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his 10th beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML

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By mcfatty - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

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By too good - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, some friends got upset with me as I wouldn't leave work early and cycle 12 miles to meet them to fix their punctures because they had no spare tubes or repair kits. The same friends that always mock me for being so prepared on bike rides. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss came over to my desk and struck up a casual conversation about movies. After a while, he sat on the edge of my desk, nodded toward my chest, and said in the same casual, lighthearted tone, "And nice cleavage today. Keep that up." FML

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By OhDearGodGrandad - United Kingdom - Ilford

Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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By shelbylove115 - United States - Nevada City

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

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By FootyFoot - Australia

Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML

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By yoggabe - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML

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By "of fucking course"

Creeper Alert

Today, I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my husband on our couch. He had just taken off my shirt when a strange smell hit my nose. I turned my head and saw my alcoholic neighbor with a cigarette in his hand, watching the entire thing unfold. FML

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By fucked5waystofriday - United States - Angola

Today, my boss told me to resign within the month, or he'll fire me and give me a bad reference. I talked to him about it again later on, this time with my phone recording everything, so I could take the proof to HR. I guess he knew, because he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. FML

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By dan - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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By wendtinmypants - United States - Omaha

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

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By rholt - United States - Baldwin City

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Albert Park

Today, I was stumbling down the street due to arthritic pain, when I accidentally bumped into a man. He turned and yelled, "Watch it, you clumsy, ugly bitch", to which I apologised and told him about my arthritis. He stared at me in confusion, then said, "Well, you're still ugly", and walked off. FML

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By cduttl1230 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

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By Sua - Canada - Calgary

Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML

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Top comments

By Googolman | 29

#6129253 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:21

Maybe it was her way of saying thanks.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6129280 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:26

Looks like the turkey wasn't the only thing getting stuffed.

COMMENTS

By Googolman | 29

#6129253 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:21

Maybe it was her way of saying thanks.

Reply

CoolCookie210 | 22

#6129310 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:42

On the bright side, at least it wasn't your girlfriend

Reply

quickit | 24

#6129319 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:55

Or maybe she was dreaming of a white Christmas.

Reply

Fishin_for_Coins | 7

#6129394 - Friday 28 November 2014 2:51

"Thanks for this delicious penis you've bestowed upon my mouth!"

Reply

lnheritance | 19

#6129423 - Friday 28 November 2014 3:46

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6129439 - Friday 28 November 2014 4:14

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By blahblah5743794 | 19

#6129254 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:21

Happy Holidays for your uncle at least

By 3molliver3 | 16

#6129255 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:21

Holy Water works as great eye drops!

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6129281 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:26

I tried this and it burned, should I call a priest?

Reply

soulreaper12296 | 28

#6129346 - Friday 28 November 2014 1:18

#11, I wouldn't. He might try to perform an exorcism on you.

Reply

Kielnmsoftly | 26

#6129396 - Friday 28 November 2014 2:53

Or altar boy you!

Reply

KK3137 | 31

#6129522 - Friday 28 November 2014 6:12

I think it burned because it wasn't purified properly. The best way to get pure Holy Water is to really boil the Hell out of it!

Reply

5secondsofvvifi | 21

#6129547 - Friday 28 November 2014 6:59

Or using brain bleach works just as well

Reply

CoGhostRider | 31

#6129666 - Friday 28 November 2014 13:58

#57 you should really have way more likes.

By Snake1105 | 20

#6129259 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:22

Finally in the first comment

By trellz17 | 19

#6129266 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:23

That's so sweet. Exchanging Christmas gifts orally.

Reply

santosb1 | 11

#6129374 - Friday 28 November 2014 2:04

She got a tooth brush??

Reply

teyyoshi | 19

#6129592 - Friday 28 November 2014 9:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

hduebdo | 14

#6129669 - Friday 28 November 2014 14:10

Where did you ever get your amazing detective skills?

By Liamj774 | 36

#6129267 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:23

I heard bleach works wonders

By Snake1105 | 20

#6129269 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:23

That sucks

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6129279 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:26

No, the girlfriend sucks.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6129280 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:26

Looks like the turkey wasn't the only thing getting stuffed.

By devildog562 | 33

#6129282 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:27

She was just trying to get some gravy. At least you didn't walk in on him stuffing her.
Edit: damn anti flood 10 beat me to it

By FML_14u2c | 14

#6129283 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:27

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6129441 - Friday 28 November 2014 4:16

like ur butthole?

Reply

FML_14u2c | 14

#6129653 - Friday 28 November 2014 13:23

Clarification: I was originally going to say what #10 said. (They hadn't posted it yet, when I started typing -- look at the time stamp...)

When I clicked "validate", a couple of new posts were there and I saw that our posts were almost exactly the same, so I rushed to change it to something different, but couldn't think of anything new in the two minutes or so that they allow you to make changes.