Intimacy: Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally...

By CutieBooty - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

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Intimacy

Taking stock

Instadrama

Life of Brian

By Anonymous - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I was at a piano lesson playing a song I had worked very hard to make perfect. Halfway through, my teacher abruptly stops me and asks, "Did you notice that I rearranged the furniture?" FML

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By A_W

Today, in desperate need of cash to get me by until payday, I decided to pawn one of my nicer possessions, a Coach purse. Today, I learned that counterfeiters are getting a lot better at their profession. Now I have no money AND a fake purse. FML

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By Shadyblood - Puerto Rico

Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML

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By anne - Canada

Today, my 20 year-old son decided it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

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By Smirky - India - Bangalore

Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML

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By awkward23 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Hove

Today, my mum had no legitimate reason to have her daily yell at me, so she resorted to bitching me out for putting her phone on charge after it started beeping with a low battery warning. FML

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By rosanne - 8/4/2021 08:00

Leave me alone

Today, I learned that me wearing a mask will not stop creepy old men from telling me to smile. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Stress level: 2020

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

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By maalmawr - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I had fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

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By bundie - France

Today, my cat didn't quite manage to eat the whole turkey because it was frozen. He just licked it all over. FML

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By 3somer

Ménage à nope

Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML

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By yeah - United States

Nightmare

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. In Walmart. Over the loudspeaker. FML

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By anonymous - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML

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By apparentlyugly - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a prospective blind date. He asked me to describe myself so I said that I was fun, attractive and a little chubby but not fat. My 7 year old sister walked up to me and screamed "Jesus doesn't like it when we lie!". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped by the gas station. As I was filling up I noticed a cute guy at the pump next to me. When I was done, I gave him a wink before opening my car door. It was locked. I had to call my Dad to bring my spare keys. The guy was laughing the whole time as I waited for my Dad to show up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 13:58

Business school of business school

Today, I found out my husband hasn't paid the mortgage in 3 months. We have a joint account, but it has always been his job to pay the bills. We are in the process of selling our house, and when I asked him about it he said, "Why are you stressing? We're selling anyways." FML

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By life_sucks - New Zealand

Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

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By ayeayeboy19 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML

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By fuckedup - Germany

Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML

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By pam - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 12:01 - United States - Phoenix

Mother knows best

Today, while visiting my parents, I observed that I've been able to visit more often because I've avoided getting sick the whole year. My mother responded by reminding me that I need to get my act together if I'm going to lose weight and get healthier. Not the reaction I hoped for, Mom. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Boya

Turn of phrase

Today, my son was at a birthday party. After eating a plate of cake, he loudly asked the birthday boy's mum if he could have sloppy seconds. I don't know where he heard that phrase, but the other kids' parents shot me very dirty looks. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I stubbed the same toe three times in fifteen minutes. How? My sister moved most of the furniture in the house to the left by a few inches, because she thought it would be funny to watch me get confused and suffer. FML

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By oregongrl1991 - France

Today, my fiancé told me he didn't have the money to make payments on my engagement ring and that I either have to return it, or make the payments myself. Now we aren't engaged any more, and are "dating." FML

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By Slipperywhenwet

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

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By tclwj - 6/9/2020 23:01 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Kids and their wacky crazes

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

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By Eureka! I still lose....

Today, I was accused of cheating on our math test, instantly granting me a perfect zero. How? I used the wrong formula on a problem, but ended up with the correct answer. FML

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By A Henderson - United States

Today, I had to explain to a potential client that I wouldn't represent him, because suing his neighbor for calling him a pansy would get us laughed out of court and likely get me disbarred. His response was to get violent and threaten to sue me for violating his civil rights. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Sofia

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, I'm dating the perfect guy. He's smart, considerate, charming, funny, good looking and we have a ton of interests in common. He also can't get it up. At all. FML

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By fEk - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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By HungryStudent - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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By andrew

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

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Top comments

By Phustercluck | 11

#2114352 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

I would think, since you're married, you would be passed the 'fart barrier.'

By shakey23 | 1

#2114321 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:19

you sure there wasn't a little bit of shart?

COMMENTS

By shakey23 | 1

#2114321 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:19

you sure there wasn't a little bit of shart?

agm2010 | 0

#2114641 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:37

I just added this FMl to my favorites! how funny 'get it off, get it off!!'
just warning ya op but I would advise you to prepare for major teasing from him.:)
it's cute tho <3

tpreston | 0

#2116217 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 22:19

this fml made my day

I lol'd

tattortotamus | 0

#2117326 - Thursday 24 February 2011 7:13

hahdha me too, it's damn great! I can just picture a man jumping around shrieking that. :P

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2121711 - Friday 25 February 2011 7:14

that is NOT cute.

MushyLuvsU | 0

#2142241 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 20:25

97 Is a sunburnt party pooper. D:

sexxy_skater | 0

#2198526 - Friday 18 March 2011 6:36

110-Agreed.

By rowbot4 | 0

#2114342 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:22

ewwwwwwwww girls have cooties!

flamegrilled123 | 3

#2114743 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 10:50

that stupid girls don't fart

jonan1212 | 5

#2115003 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 12:40

Thay toot!

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2116315 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 23:29

Toot it n' boot it

By abalgatti | 0

#2114347 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

are you sure you didn't blow the covers off?

By Hanimon | 0

#2114348 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

OMG that's hilarious lol

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#3019063 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 3:30

lol @ CutieBooty

By Phustercluck | 11

#2114352 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

I would think, since you're married, you would be passed the 'fart barrier.'

Cenobyte | 10

#2114536 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:04

lol
I don't think the 'fart barrier' applies when said fart is On Your Leg.

amiebran | 3

#2114779 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 11:12

I agree, husband needs to get over it!

By kcnutt10 | 1

#2114361 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:26

Fake - Girls don't fart.

MrBoredGuy | 1

#2114570 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:14

exactly

IMveryHUNGRY | 3

#2114675 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:54

my exact thoughts!

redbluegreen | 40

#2114765 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 11:08

Exactly. How else do you expect girls to be as light as a feather?

xNikkiez | 0

#2115181 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 13:53

My boyfriend still actually believes that haha, I'm not gonna ruin it for him though lol

yesiyes | 0

#2115403 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:20

blow him a lil kiss

FuttBuck | 0

#2115428 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:38

LOL, that'll change the whole subject, won't it? (;

PedoPancakes | 7

#3925762 - Sunday 22 January 2012 20:25

Obviously, you haven't been near a girl for longer then 5 minutes.

By JustinThunder | 8

#2114371 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:29

Well don't just stand there, get it off!

Xx_Nikky_xX | 4

#2115251 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 15:09

haha

By yayforcheesecake | 0

#2114389 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:32

why didn't you fart during the sex? this FML would've been better that way.

By XxCesar503xX | 0

#2114405 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:36

LMFAO

By rockon10 | 3

#2114436 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:41

hahahahahahahahaha!! How is this an FML?! That's hilarious!

kcnutt10 | 1

#2114448 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:43

Because a bunch of people were moderating the FMLs and when they came across this one, they voted "yes."

QueenPersephone | 9

#2114516 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:56

Thank you Captain Obvious for that astonishing insight.

kcnutt10 | 1

#2114543 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:04

She asked, I answered.

testthecoal | 5

#2117009 - Thursday 24 February 2011 5:16

in the most mundane way; who are you, bill nye?