Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally...

By CutieBooty - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

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24262

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Intimacy

Serious times

Rock, hard place

Optimism

By WTF Lady? - 8/4/2020 20:00

Rod Stewart was wrong

Today, I was walking down my street when a girl came up behind me and started yelling about me being a slut. When she saw I was the wrong person, she continued to yell at me because I have blonde hair. FML

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1754

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105

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By bad date - United States - Bennet

Today, my date made me pay him for picking me up, and taking me back home. FML

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30237

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3705

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 14:02

OK, well, goodbye

Today I ordered an anchovy pizza without the mushroom. Instead, I got a mushroom pizza without the anchovy. Then, when I went to take it back, the store had closed. Permanently. FML

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964

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161

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By deardaughter - Australia

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML

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1681

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106

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By Qwerty - Australia

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML

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34902

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5266

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By janused - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad still refuses to repay the loan I gave him. I've just barely managed to pay my bills, and I'm now so poor that I'll have to survive the next 3 days until my next paycheck by eating the only thing left in my fridge: a jar of cheese whiz. FML

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36808

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By VacationRuined - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I left for a one and a half month trip to Japan with my boyfriend. He promptly broke up with me the first night in the hotel. When asked why he couldn't have waited until the trip was over, he said he didn't want to create "false memories". FML

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47787

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By sickened - United Kingdom - Gateshead

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

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39754

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By blahblah1993 - United States - Katy

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML

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39022

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By Nicole - United States

Gift of the gab

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

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40144

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By Anonymous - United States - Shelby

Today, I stayed in a hotel near the college I was applying for a scholarship. We were eating breakfast and there were some other applicants in the breakfast room. As we walked away, my mother yelled, "My daughter's gonna get this scholarship so there's no reason for you muddafuckas to show up." FML

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41399

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By idiot - 28/6/2020 08:07

Double trouble

Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1111

You deserved it

1500

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By Sooz - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, after 6 months of sex, my boyfriend showered himself with praise for managing, for the first time ever, to stretch the act out to a full minute. FML

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52207

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By vanguardwiley - United States

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML

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48541

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By Dirtisgood

Today, my in-laws told me, in all seriousness, that my child was going to become paralyzed because I let him play on grass. FML

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2948

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149

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By Tampax - Spain - Cuenca

Today, my hand was stung by a wasp. It has resulted in all my fingers being swollen and therefore much bigger than usual. I'm getting married tomorrow and there's no way I can get the ring on my finger. FML

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44189

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By bad day Brutus - United States

Today, I confessed to cheating to my girlfriend. She decided to go up to the girl and ask her about it. The girl denied it and said she didn't even know me. My girlfriend walked up to me, called me a liar and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26920

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By Nick - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

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14371

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By in_hardik - United States

Today, at my workplace, I saw a system crashing. I mean literally, my manager was throwing my colleague's laptop at him while shouting around the office. This is only my second day. FML

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24958

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1807

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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25278

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By amazinghermit - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML

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31027

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6503

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Duns

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

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26817

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By "mbrider"

Today, I saved a woman from drowning at a pool where I lifeguard, but when I got her out of the water she started screaming about sexual assault. Apparently I accidentally brushed her breasts when pulling her up and out of the water. She wants to sue me. FML

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6721

You deserved it

255

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By opposableouch - United Kingdom

Today, I sliced a deep gash into my thumb while carving up bagels. After putting a plaster on, I returned to my room to relax, where I lit a candle. The flame from my new lighter shot up, and set fire to the plaster on my thumb. Now I have a cut AND several burns. FML

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32878

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By Tooth Fairy - United States - Hays

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3578

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232

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By Donewithit - United States - San Francisco

Today, my class was called to the auditorium. We were told that some asshat proctor took a picture of our testing room during out test and posted it on Facebook. Someone noticed that according to the rules, we were sitting too close to each other, so now we have to retake the whole test. FML

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30544

You deserved it

2279

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By cmilla - United States

Today, I was setting up comcast cable boxes for my house. I had the packaging everywhere when I finished. Looking admirably at my job, I backed out my door, and stepped on bubble wrap, scaring myself. I flailed, fell, reached out, grabbing one of the cable wires. I pulled the cable box and my modem off. FML

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10462

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I bought a new beanbag chair. My cat thought it was a great scratcher and I now have thousands of tiny plastic balls around the house. He decided those looked yummy, and now the scent of vomit and plastic is awful. FML

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36311

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By Becca - United States - Tampa

Today, while walking to work, I swore I saw one of my old friends from college standing in the park across the street. I started shouting her name and waving my hands like a maniac to get her attention. It was a statue. FML

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11590

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By a - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

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24652

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By Aaron - United States

Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

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16599

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 02:02

Bass, how low can you go?

Today, I tried to study for my upcoming engineering exam. The class I’m in is notorious for being incredibly difficult and is oftentimes the reason for people dropping out of the major. Too bad the dudes in the apartment next to me have a subwoofer and keep playing music that has way too much bass. FML

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948

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By Fantastic - United States

Today, I was walking to my car tonight when I saw a large man walking behind me, I hurried to open my car as he was approaching quickly, my door wasn't unlocking and I panicked. It was then I noticed it wasnt even my car. As I walked away from the other car, he walked up and unlocked the door. FML

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12083

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By Noname - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend that I've had a crush on him since our junior year. Since I couldn't see him I shot him a text. His response: "Yeah I know. I've tried kind of ignoring it." FML

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80448

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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3577

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475

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By Anonymous

Today, accustomed to dealing with my old car's faulty accelerator, I pressed the pedal way too hard in my new car and crashed into a pillar, totaling the engine and giving myself a concussion. I could still see the dealership down the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2461

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By Anonymous

Today, after massive bouts of diarrhea, vomiting, and doctor visits lasting weeks, I finally got a diagnosis... from my puppy's vet. I got Giardia from my dog. FML

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3186

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 20:07

A saint

Today, I'm taking care of my bedridden, 94-year-old grandma. She woke me up at 6 a.m. only to tell me her UTI is still there. Later, she made me interrupt my 15-minute-dinner a total of 4 times because she wanted things like "more lotion in her buttcrack." FML

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1451

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, excited that I finally got a place of my own, I invited my boyfriend over for a sexy sleep over. He told me his mom doesn't want him sleeping over. He's 21 years old. FML

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36962

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By confused - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my mom came into my room to yell at me because she thought she heard me having sex, saying I'm too young for it. I'm 23 and I wasn't having sex. The noises were from my dad watching porn in the next room. FML

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Top comments

By Phustercluck | 11

#2114352 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

I would think, since you're married, you would be passed the 'fart barrier.'

By shakey23 | 1

#2114321 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:19

you sure there wasn't a little bit of shart?

COMMENTS

By shakey23 | 1

#2114321 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:19

you sure there wasn't a little bit of shart?

agm2010 | 0

#2114641 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:37

I just added this FMl to my favorites! how funny 'get it off, get it off!!'
just warning ya op but I would advise you to prepare for major teasing from him.:)
it's cute tho <3

tpreston | 0

#2116217 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 22:19

this fml made my day

I lol'd

tattortotamus | 0

#2117326 - Thursday 24 February 2011 7:13

hahdha me too, it's damn great! I can just picture a man jumping around shrieking that. :P

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2121711 - Friday 25 February 2011 7:14

that is NOT cute.

MushyLuvsU | 0

#2142241 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 20:25

97 Is a sunburnt party pooper. D:

sexxy_skater | 0

#2198526 - Friday 18 March 2011 6:36

110-Agreed.

By rowbot4 | 0

#2114342 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:22

ewwwwwwwww girls have cooties!

flamegrilled123 | 3

#2114743 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 10:50

that stupid girls don't fart

jonan1212 | 5

#2115003 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 12:40

Thay toot!

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2116315 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 23:29

Toot it n' boot it

By abalgatti | 0

#2114347 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

are you sure you didn't blow the covers off?

By Hanimon | 0

#2114348 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

OMG that's hilarious lol

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#3019063 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 3:30

lol @ CutieBooty

By Phustercluck | 11

#2114352 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

I would think, since you're married, you would be passed the 'fart barrier.'

Cenobyte | 10

#2114536 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:04

lol
I don't think the 'fart barrier' applies when said fart is On Your Leg.

amiebran | 3

#2114779 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 11:12

I agree, husband needs to get over it!

By kcnutt10 | 1

#2114361 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:26

Fake - Girls don't fart.

MrBoredGuy | 1

#2114570 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:14

exactly

IMveryHUNGRY | 3

#2114675 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:54

my exact thoughts!

redbluegreen | 40

#2114765 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 11:08

Exactly. How else do you expect girls to be as light as a feather?

xNikkiez | 0

#2115181 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 13:53

My boyfriend still actually believes that haha, I'm not gonna ruin it for him though lol

yesiyes | 0

#2115403 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:20

blow him a lil kiss

FuttBuck | 0

#2115428 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:38

LOL, that'll change the whole subject, won't it? (;

PedoPancakes | 7

#3925762 - Sunday 22 January 2012 20:25

Obviously, you haven't been near a girl for longer then 5 minutes.

By JustinThunder | 8

#2114371 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:29

Well don't just stand there, get it off!

Xx_Nikky_xX | 4

#2115251 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 15:09

haha

By yayforcheesecake | 0

#2114389 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:32

why didn't you fart during the sex? this FML would've been better that way.

By XxCesar503xX | 0

#2114405 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:36

LMFAO

By rockon10 | 3

#2114436 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:41

hahahahahahahahaha!! How is this an FML?! That's hilarious!

kcnutt10 | 1

#2114448 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:43

Because a bunch of people were moderating the FMLs and when they came across this one, they voted "yes."

QueenPersephone | 9

#2114516 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:56

Thank you Captain Obvious for that astonishing insight.

kcnutt10 | 1

#2114543 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:04

She asked, I answered.

testthecoal | 5

#2117009 - Thursday 24 February 2011 5:16

in the most mundane way; who are you, bill nye?