Intimacy: Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally...

By CutieBooty - 22/02/2011 21:02 - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 295

You deserved it 35 635

Intimacy

Empathy lives

Leave us alone

Great parenting, dude

By BC94 - 16/07/2012 04:21 - United States - Mcminnville

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 478

You deserved it 2 828

By anonymous - 27/10/2009 13:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years gave me the silent treatment, refusing to talk to me or do anything more than glare at me during the entire three hour drive we took this morning. Why? Because I slept with his best friend. In his dream last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 395

You deserved it 7 293

By xoccerplaya - 06/10/2011 10:46 - United States

Today, I forgot what I was doing while listening to a voicemail and started talking back to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 475

You deserved it 11 290

Confused

By Miranda - 07/06/2020 17:06

Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 645

You deserved it 426

By Mattyboy - 24/08/2009 09:57 - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 721

You deserved it 18 525

By Anonymous - 22/04/2013 18:33 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 844

You deserved it 8 657

Maoism intensifies

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 02:00

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 472

You deserved it 115

By Puddlepop - 01/03/2016 09:20 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 124

You deserved it 1 650

By Saddoc - 26/07/2013 07:58 - Australia - Dalkeith

Today, I attended an elderly patient's funeral. He died of a heart attack after his daughter, as his carer, stopped all of his meds in favour of a half-cup of garlic a day. Apparently she'd "read an article" about the healing power of garlic, which trumped my 6-year degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 208

You deserved it 2 962

By hackling fellow - 10/03/2011 13:17

Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 857

You deserved it 4 151

By GettingNone - 25/06/2009 03:05 - France

Today, my wife asked me to pop an ingrown hair near her crotch. We haven't had sex since last September. Popping her ingrown hair was the closest I've gotten to my wife's vagina in nearly nine months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 166

You deserved it 6 205

By tillyg15 - 02/05/2012 11:18 - United Kingdom - Droitwich

Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 266

You deserved it 4 838

By magicalDEATH - 19/01/2010 17:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 012

You deserved it 35 169

By yup - 05/06/2011 07:23 - United States

Today, I thought it would be hot if I sent my boyfriend kinky message. He didn't reply so I sent a few more. 10 minutes later I got a reply saying, "Honey, this is his mom and you should be a little less desperate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 128

You deserved it 57 054

Betrayal

By Jasper - 29/05/2021 22:01 - United States

Today, I paid my best friend to not tell my girlfriend about having hooked up with another girl while drunk the other night. He told her anyway. Now I have no girlfriend and I’m $500 poorer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 2 881

By Anonymous - 11/02/2016 01:15 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 348

You deserved it 4 287

By Noname - 20/02/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 495

You deserved it 2 834

By lindsey789 - 07/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 707

You deserved it 3 022

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

By maystar - 26/05/2018 15:00

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 813

You deserved it 292

By Toothy_Peg - 13/06/2009 15:13 - Australia

Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 103

You deserved it 4 315

By Anonymous - 23/08/2019 00:01

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 185

By Satan - 15/03/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 330

You deserved it 9 151

By rhythmbandit - 09/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 054

You deserved it 4 067

By Can’t Cope - 19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 474

You deserved it 507

By Oh - 22/03/2016 22:36 - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 939

You deserved it 2 180

By Unloving - 31/12/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, a man proposed to me in classic style on one knee. Unfortunately, I have been telling this man for the last two months that I don't even want to date him. He thinks I'm playing hard to get and is not giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 948

You deserved it 5 002

By no name - 22/02/2011 12:25

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 868

You deserved it 4 778

By troublewithbleach - 06/04/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my bathroom, and accidentally spilled bleach, ruining my shower curtain, rugs, and towels. While attempting to wipe up the bleach, I knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner. It read, "WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH BLEACH." I still can't go in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 378

You deserved it 11 765

By cam96 - 15/10/2017 13:00

Today, I woke up early and rushed to work to get to our first weekly safety meeting. I was the only one that remembered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 314

You deserved it 276

By tongue tied - 11/02/2013 08:57 - United States - Meadville

Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 887

You deserved it 31 408

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 21:01 - United States

Today, I took the 6 year old I'm babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 052

You deserved it 3 210

By fmylife. - 29/11/2010 18:02 - Canada

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 466

You deserved it 3 733

By will3000 - 12/01/2011 13:28

Today, I was on my way to work behind a very slow car. At a red light, the lady came over and punched me in the face for following her too closely. We are coworkers and our desks are next to each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 481

You deserved it 4 222

By GiantsFan13 - 23/07/2013 14:49 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I went to the Giants game. During the seventh inning stretch they showed me on the jumbo-tron. It was just in time for the entire stadium to see me pull a tampon out of my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 772

You deserved it 8 551

By Anonymous - 07/08/2018 04:43

Today, my boss asked me to talk to the HR manager to see if I was happy about my pay, which made me think I was going to get a raise. Turns out they paid me nearly twice as much as they should have for the last 2 years and I owe them over €5000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 123

You deserved it 195

By anonymous - 05/04/2012 21:53 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I realized my Internet addiction had gone too far when I tried to Google what was in my freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 645

You deserved it 28 808

By Robyn - 04/10/2011 09:35 - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 599

You deserved it 27 933

Cruel summer

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 22:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, it’s a rather wet summer and everything in our house is prone to mould. No, I’m not exaggerating when I say “everything”: I just found mould growing on the plates in the cupboard. And, no, we did not accidentally put them away unwashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 66

By Anonymous - 26/09/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 486

You deserved it 3 528

By Buggga - 22/08/2009 09:07 - Australia

Today, I was instructed to shave my back in preperation for my first tattoo. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 019

You deserved it 12 557

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Top comments

Phustercluck 11

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

I would think, since you're married, you would be passed the 'fart barrier.'

shakey23 1

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:19

you sure there wasn't a little bit of shart?

shakey23 1

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:19

you sure there wasn't a little bit of shart?

agm2010 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:37

I just added this FMl to my favorites! how funny 'get it off, get it off!!' just warning ya op but I would advise you to prepare for major teasing from him.:) it's cute tho <3

tpreston 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 22:19

this fml made my day I lol'd

tattortotamus 0

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Thursday 24 February 2011 7:13

hahdha me too, it's damn great! I can just picture a man jumping around shrieking that. :P

meowmeowwkitty 0

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Friday 25 February 2011 7:14

that is NOT cute.

MushyLuvsU 0

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Wednesday 2 March 2011 20:25

97 Is a sunburnt party pooper. D:

sexxy_skater 0

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Friday 18 March 2011 6:36

110-Agreed.

rowbot4 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:22

ewwwwwwwww girls have cooties!

flamegrilled123 3

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 10:50

that stupid girls don't fart

jonan1212 5

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 12:40

Thay toot!

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 23:29

Toot it n' boot it

abalgatti 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

are you sure you didn't blow the covers off?

Hanimon 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

OMG that's hilarious lol

Dr_Jalepenos 0

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 3:30

lol @ CutieBooty

Phustercluck 11

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:23

I would think, since you're married, you would be passed the 'fart barrier.'

Cenobyte 10

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:04

lol I don't think the 'fart barrier' applies when said fart is On Your Leg.

amiebran 3

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 11:12

I agree, husband needs to get over it!

kcnutt10 1

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:26

Fake - Girls don't fart.

MrBoredGuy 1

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:14

exactly

IMveryHUNGRY 3

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:54

my exact thoughts!

redbluegreen 40

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 11:08

Exactly. How else do you expect girls to be as light as a feather?

xNikkiez 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 13:53

My boyfriend still actually believes that haha, I'm not gonna ruin it for him though lol

yesiyes 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:20

blow him a lil kiss

FuttBuck 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:38

LOL, that'll change the whole subject, won't it? (;

PedoPancakes 7

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Sunday 22 January 2012 20:25

Obviously, you haven't been near a girl for longer then 5 minutes.

JustinThunder 8

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:29

Well don't just stand there, get it off!

Xx_Nikky_xX 4

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 15:09

haha

yayforcheesecake 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:32

why didn't you fart during the sex? this FML would've been better that way.

XxCesar503xX 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:36

LMFAO

rockon10 3

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:41

hahahahahahahahaha!! How is this an FML?! That's hilarious!

kcnutt10 1

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:43

Because a bunch of people were moderating the FMLs and when they came across this one, they voted "yes."

QueenPersephone 9

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:56

Thank you Captain Obvious for that astonishing insight.

kcnutt10 1

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:04

She asked, I answered.

testthecoal 5

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Thursday 24 February 2011 5:16

in the most mundane way; who are you, bill nye?

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 47

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 131

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 45

Confused

Maoism intensifies

Betrayal

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

Cruel summer

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