Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking... - FML

By CaddyWhack - 18/11/2016 20:57

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

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Understandable

Gas giant

Workaholic

By steve - 5/9/2012 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

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By 6u174r_d00d - 10/8/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I saw a cute girl working register at my regular coffee shop and politely asked the her for her number. I was brutally rejected. A few minutes later, a douchebag with a popped collar approached her with a cheesy pickup line and left with not only her number, but a free frappe. FML

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By singleagain - 24/8/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I almost got married. After the elaborate and very expensive wedding, my "husband" decided he did not want to sign the marriage license because he wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2017 07:00 - Canada - Sudbury

If it's brown, let it float around.

Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

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By kylie18xx21 - 1/2/2013 15:26 - United States

Today, I had to leave my ACT prep class ten minutes in to pick up my drunken father from his best friend's baby shower. I picked him up along with a bill for the damage. FML

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By LennyComa - 19/3/2017 00:00

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 05:02

Priorities

Today, my fiancé and I finally had the house to ourselves for the night for the first time in MONTHS, and we don't know when we will get a chance like this again. So, he texts his buddy to play zombies. FML

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By thinner than you - 20/11/2012 21:57 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he's over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn't matter because "it's the girl's job to look hot." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2016 01:09 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I gave my boss a report I wrote on my own time, full of suggestions on how to increase productivity and profits at our company. He said my ideas made "about as much sense as pistol-whipping a ghost" and that I was impressing no-one. FML

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By nola2005 - 1/10/2019 00:01

Hoarded in

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

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By Lovesucks - 2/12/2019 14:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Is she better than me?

Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML

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By Jay - 10/4/2009 14:41 - Germany

Today, my mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he asked me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life depended on it. Turns out my mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 05:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my mom trying to get secretly smashed out of her brain-box on booze at 8:00am. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - 9/9/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By Marion - 14/10/2020 20:01 - United States - Portland

Not invited, I guess

Today, I was talking to a coworker about gender reveal parties, and how dumb and dangerous they're becoming. A nearby coworker then burst into tears and ran out. It appears that she's having one this weekend. FML

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By joolsie - 15/5/2013 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a note from my creepy ex, whom I broke up with two years ago, saying how much he still misses me. I live over 100 miles away from him now. The note was hand-delivered to my new address. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2013 06:53 - United States - Prairie City

You Sexty Thing

Today, my girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to sext. I can't sext with her because she adds "lol" to everything, which turns me off. FML

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By Mezzlegasm - 10/7/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, I was talking to my good friend's girlfriend. She mentioned being afraid of losing her job. Because she was still a teenager, I jokingly said, "oh, like you're responsible for a whole family." She is. FML

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By razordot - 28/2/2019 09:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

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By workworkwork - 26/11/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

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By NorwegianMadman - 22/12/2016 11:55

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

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By embarassed - 25/5/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2019 23:00

Complicated relationship

Today my girlfriend of three years broke up with me. Why? She wasn’t sure about the relationship anymore. She seemed pretty sure though, seeing she was on Tinder less than 2 hours after, thanks to the 3 different friends that all called me about it. FML

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By ishyboo - 27/2/2016 22:59 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML

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By ameliaruth09 - 22/1/2015 22:36 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

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By LostSoul - 21/7/2019 12:10

Today, I arrived at the doctor's to schedule surgery to find out my insurance got canceled again. I only just got it reinstated after the last time they screwed up and canceled it. It took me 6 months to get it fixed. FML

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By Ashley Rocha - 11/9/2018 20:30

Today, after my washing machine broke yesterday in the middle of a cycle, I went and spent $1400 on a new one. Also today, my dryer started to smoke and almost caught my clothes on fire. There goes another $1000. FML

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By Exhausted - 28/11/2011 06:07 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I was called an 'inconsiderate scum bucket' by my neighbour because I allowed my loud alarm to go on too long before silencing it. The only reason that I sleep through my alarm is because I have to wear earplugs as they have their TV on maximum volume until 4am. FML

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By not taking those! - 6/10/2020 23:07 - United States

Lobbied

Today, I called my insurance company begging for a new doctor. All my current one does is prescribe antidepressants for everything. Migraines? AD! Dizziness? AD! Birth control? AD! I’ve been having rough periods and I’m pretty sure she’s just trying to push pills to bill us more. FML

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By babygurl69 - 20/1/2009 21:38 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

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By gothchick201013 - 9/9/2016 18:43 - United States - Dayton

Today, my dog kept barking at the door, and I jokingly shouted, "Language!" My mom heard and grounded me for yelling at the dog. FML

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By WhyTheFNot - 20/6/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I came home from work and had to pee so badly that I ran to the bathroom and ripped my pants down. My touch screen phone dropped from my pocket and started calling my boyfriend. Since I couldn't quite reach the phone, I left a message of me peeing on his cell. FML

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By Wrongword - 17/4/2012 10:52 - China - Shanghai

Today, I congratulated a bride standing in front of a church in a white dress. Turns out she'd been stood up at the altar. She thrashed me with her bouquet. FML

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By really though? - 3/8/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

Today, I was taking an order for a patron at the casino. The policy is to "pay first." After explaining this to him, he still refused to pay. After years of being polite, I finally cracked and said, "You are making this really f-ing difficult". This particular patron was our CEO's son. FML

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By SezzyJ - 2/10/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

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By foolmetwice - 16/5/2011 14:28

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

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By Shelly - 13/6/2011 02:50 - United States

Oh hey how are you?

Today, my boyfriend and I pulled over to have sex in his mother's car. It was going great until I leaned back onto the horn, waking up our whole neighborhood. FML

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By King_of_Cha0s - 15/9/2015 18:05 - United States - San Jose

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

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By I love L - 8/8/2015 22:56 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML

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By rain - 1/6/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

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Top comments

By Xelabasat | 14

#6714286 - Saturday 19 November 2016 6:53

Guess you cant bank on them telling you

By socialproduct | 19

#6714297 - Saturday 19 November 2016 7:22

You should find the new owner and pull a "do you know who I am!"

COMMENTS

By inappropes | 31

#6714282 - Saturday 19 November 2016 6:44

screw them.

By Xelabasat | 14

#6714286 - Saturday 19 November 2016 6:53

Guess you cant bank on them telling you

By RichardPencil | 28

#6714295 - Saturday 19 November 2016 7:19

Guess the tow truck company guys are laughing all the way...

to the bank!

By _parth | 20

#6714296 - Saturday 19 November 2016 7:21

You weren't paying them, they have all the rights to do so and you deserved this one.

Reply

minissaussette | 25

#6714306 - Saturday 19 November 2016 8:52

If they had a deal, common courtesy commands to let the person know

Reply

BudgieLord | 5

#6714495 - Saturday 19 November 2016 20:14

Common courtesy doesn't mean shit. They didn't have to tell them.

By socialproduct | 19

#6714297 - Saturday 19 November 2016 7:22

You should find the new owner and pull a "do you know who I am!"

By wallac7 | 28

#6714411 - Saturday 19 November 2016 16:14

At least your dog didn't poop in your lap while you were parking