Today, I got a letter from the police, stating that I must either... - FML

By Anonymous - 9/3/2018 15:00 - Denmark

Today, I got a letter from the police, stating that I must either pay a fine or go to court. Turns out my creepy stalker stole not only my underwear, jewelry, and pictures, but also my mail, including a ticket I had gotten for reporting my new address too late. FML

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Does it taste good?

Vultures

Innocent

By failure - 2/11/2014 20:57 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I overheard my son mutter to himself, "If Hitler could do it to that many people, so could I..." Anyone recommend a good psychiatrist? FML

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By WellGroomed - 26/11/2015 15:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my housemate walked out of the bathroom with my toothbrush in his mouth and asked, "You're not one of those people who cares if someone uses their toothbrush, are you?" FML

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By onlywantuanyway - 5/9/2014 22:59

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

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By mark - 31/12/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

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By Mem - 30/5/2014 20:07 - Sweden - Hudiksvall

Today, my neighbor threatened to call the cops if I didn't turn the volume down on my porno. I was only watching women's tennis. FML

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By FennFoxx - 21/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Cheraw

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

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By dollfacee - 9/7/2015 16:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 14:50 - Egypt

Today, I was working on a 12-page report. After 5 hours on it, I go over to YouTube to change background music. My boss decides to pick this time to walk by, look at my screen, and grunt "hard at work, huh?" FML

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By miiiiilk - 5/12/2010 11:12 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

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By girl_what - 2/9/2018 23:30

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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By lanaoftherey - 2/6/2015 21:30 - United States

Today, I went to get my car washed at one of those places where you can watch through the glass. I watched in horror, face pressed against the glass, as my car went through with the window down. FML

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By Penny - 18/1/2020 20:00

Animated movies

Today, at work, I was discussing animated movies with a male senior who's got kids. I was trying to refer to Zootopia but couldn't remember the name. I went, "Zoo, zoo... filia?" Silence. It wasn't until I got home an hour later that I realized what I said. FML

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By notanightowlanymore - 5/1/2016 17:44 - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

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By dfkjhregoiuberiug - 9/12/2009 09:20 - United States

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

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By disappointed - 1/7/2016 03:31 - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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By ILTali - 3/3/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

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By cullenthegreat - 25/8/2016 16:26 - United States - Villanova

Today, on my second morning at college, I tried to make coffee using my Keurig. I realized after I got back from my shower that I hadn't put a cup under the machine. All 3 drawers of my dresser are now filled with coffee. FML

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By chessgeeksam - 14/3/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

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By anonymous - 6/9/2010 07:37 - United States

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

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By Sleeeeeep - 19/8/2010 04:10 - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

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By lopsided - 14/12/2014 07:56 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

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By TheHarvardian - 25/10/2012 06:59 - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, I got fired from a job that I've had for four days for being too "secretive." Apparently, I was leaning over my notebook so that my boss couldn't stand behind me and read what I was writing. The email literally said I was "being too sneaky". They were work notes. FML

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By LG - 17/3/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, I found out that I will be spending my spring break alone because my family is going to France. I can't go with them nor go with any of my friends because I have to take care of the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 00:02 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2016 17:05 - United States - Miami

Today, I'm in training at an animal shelter. There's an adorable tiny kitten there, which my boss said not to touch it because it's feral. "No way he's dangerous" I said, reaching into the cage to pet it. It struck like a cobra and tore up my arm. My first on-the-job injury is from a KITTEN. FML

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By Robert - 1/7/2009 09:37 - United States

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

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By strawberrypuff - 4/5/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent 4 years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the 4 hour ceremony is too long. FML

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By Ca13b - 15/10/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML

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By thisreallyhappened - 15/5/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, a little girl at my work had an accident. She asked me to help her change, and as she was changing she stuck her hand in her vagina to make sure all the "peepee was gone". She then put that same hand on my face to balance herself as she finished changing. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2010 20:43 - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

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By lily389 - 21/3/2011 05:02

Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2013 20:26 - Canada - Poplar Hill

Today, I announced my third pregnancy to my family. My dad's only reaction was to scoff, "Really? Stop breeding already." FML

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By thanksforallyoursupportmomanddad - 10/11/2015 20:46 - United States - Arlington

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

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By AussieG75 - 7/5/2013 14:18 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

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By snoooore - 31/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I discovered I have narcolepsy. During a driving test. FML

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By Justin - 25/7/2020 20:00

Awwww, how sweet!

Today, after having a 3-day vacation and feeling a bit bummed that it was over, I got home to find a black widow watching her babies hatch in my office window. FML

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By rob - 10/12/2010 07:29

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 16:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my dad picked me up from school, something he'll be doing while my broken leg heals. He thought it'd be hilarious to arrive early and ask the staff where his "crippled" son was, loudly saying I'd broken my leg in a "masturbation-related accident". FML

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By notmarryingyou - 10/9/2014 17:16 - United States - Bothell

Today, I started a new job. Three of my Kenyan coworkers keep getting together and reminding me that having more than one wife is okay in their country. I've gotten 3 marriage proposals from married men so far. FML

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By naagodinho - 9/1/2012 14:56 - Portugal

Today, I applied to a new gym. Now I have a hernia. FML

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Top comments

By Akitakat | 31

#7606672 - Saturday 3 March 2018 13:24

Use that time to also get a restraining order, while you’re at the courthouse.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7609306 - Friday 9 March 2018 15:05

Go to court without underwear and the judge will get you off ;)

COMMENTS

By Akitakat | 31

#7606672 - Saturday 3 March 2018 13:24

Use that time to also get a restraining order, while you’re at the courthouse.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7609306 - Friday 9 March 2018 15:05

Go to court without underwear and the judge will get you off ;)

Reply

Kabuki | 4

#7609467 - Friday 9 March 2018 20:59

Or he'll get off

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7609318 - Friday 9 March 2018 15:19

Don't you have to sign that you got a legal document (like a fine) before getting that legal document, to prevent exactly that from happening...

Reply

johnnyboy297878 | 5

#7635853 - Thursday 17 May 2018 22:20

I never have, so that makes me curious.

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7609392 - Friday 9 March 2018 18:06

Let's hope you don't get another one when you move again (which I can only assume you're gonna wanna do ASAP)...

By Allie614032 | 34

#7609484 - Friday 9 March 2018 22:05

Have you ever reported your stalker to the police before? If they have documentation of him, it'll be easier to explain the truth (and easier for them to believe you).

By Brandon Glen Berst | 3

#7610666 - Tuesday 13 March 2018 13:41

The fact you have to report your address makes me assume you’re a sex offender because they have to report their address changes

Reply

Juliet1995 | 9

#7610840 - Tuesday 13 March 2018 19:38

In my country everyone has to register their address and report when they move.

By shannon2348 | 14

#7880652 - Saturday 8 February 2020 7:20

Reporting your address to who?