Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my... - FML

By je_regrette_tout - France - Livry-gargan

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

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Family values

Social distancing done right

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

By Nicos - France

Today, feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancée: "I don't know what I'd do without you." She replied: "Well, you'd wank". FML

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By Theslacker... - United States - Coplay

Today, a number of people came to visit me in the hospital, including my grandparents. They called me "weak" and "a cowardly millennial" for going to the ER instead of sucking it up, and blamed me for rising healthcare costs. I had a compound fracture. FML

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By notfunny - United States

Today, I finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush. He was the only one I've been able to muster up the courage to open up to. He replied "lmao" and hasn't texted back since. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML

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By ow - United States

Today, I was home alone in my apartment. I tripped over my dresser and fell and sprained my ankle. As I was laying there in agonizing pain, my downstairs neighbor shouted at me to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he may have an STD. When I asked who he was with before me, and where it might have come from, he listed off almost every single one of my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex said "I love you!" for the first time at a party in front of my boyfriend. Smugly satisfied, I said "Well, you're too late for that." My ex looked at me with irritation and said "I'm talking to him!" and gestured to my boyfriend. They'd been "best friends" since middle school. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML

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By caliibbyy

Today, I found out my best friend has a massive head lice infestation. It wasn't until after I'd used her hairbrush to brush my hair that I figured it out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML

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By Lifeguard - United States

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

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By ouch - Canada

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

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By Schubey - Canada - North Bay

Today, it was my birthday, and I woke up to my dad telling me that we're going to Disneyland. Apparently, by "we" he meant him and my mom. They did, however, make a point to say "happy birthday" before they left. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned I'm getting kicked out of the house for NOT dropping out of college. FML

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By FlamedOut

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

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By reesemaster - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By holyshitbatman - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

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By Marcipaud - United States - Detroit

Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's dirty fingernails between the pages. FML

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By Nikki

Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 17:02 - Canada - Waterloo

The more the merrier

Today, I apparently I created a group chat with the four guys I saw any potential with, ruining every single one of the possible future relationships all at once because they now know about each other. I give up on dating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me 'yummy pictures.' I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

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By ratfaced - United States - Stamford

What a cozy moment.

Today, I woke up to a squeaking noise and the feeling of something furry on my cheek. I smiled, thinking it was my guinea pigs nosing me awake. Then I remembered that my guinea pigs were in their cage on the other side of the room, and opened my eyes to see the biggest rat ever staring right at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

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By lizzard0416 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

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By linren - United States

TMI, dude

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

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By Rusty Armstrong - 17/8/2020 05:01

Thanks capitalism, I hate it!

Today, the prison program I work for has been shut down for months due to Covid, but my bosses have been having us sitting at our desks, doing nothing, in proximity to the inmates. I guess they'd rather pay us to be exposed than to stay safe. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 08:02

Lingo

Today, I was alarmed to hear my daughter's boyfriend talk about dropping the kids off at the pool. She has no children. Turns out he was referring to himself taking a dump. FML

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By BabyBeardy - Australia

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

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By Chasity - United States

Today, I logged onto a website that offered free tutoring. After chatting with the online tutor, he started flirting with me. I was just looking for some help with my homework, not a creeper. FML

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By FailedTraveller

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

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By Peterrulesall - 25/9/2020 17:01 - United States

Bad joke, dude

Today, as a joke, I put a picture of a sonogram on my girlfriend's facebook. Now her entire family hates me, and her mother has started the 2-hour drive to come pull her out of college. Whoops. FML

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By 50love - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he finished all of them cheered. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2019 05:00

But he's only 5

Today, I was playing with my 5 year-old neighbor. I was changing and he saw me naked. Then he went home and his parents came over. Apparently, he told them that I have beautiful boobs. FML

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By NoPeeGiven - United States - Palatine

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

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By whatdoesitmatter - India - Erayu

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML

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By TooYoungForThis

Benjamin Button

Today, my father was helping me move into college. When we arrived, the students helping people move in mistook me for one of the parents. I’m 19. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

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By darlingditz - United States

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

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Top comments

By Cbizzlez | 10

#5398844 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:27

"Hey can I get a glass of water"
"Sure, can I get you anything else?"
(Porn music starts to play)

By SixthSinEnvy | 39

#5398835 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:25

Couldn't pay the bill, huh?

COMMENTS

By funnyguy2697 | 6

#5398817 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:22

Thats kinda creepy if they're just some
stranger

Reply

natsaysheyyy | 16

#5398871 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:35

Well, hopefully you at least used a condom!

Reply

OneNightStander | 6

#5398915 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:51

That's awesome. I wish I was the technician!

Reply

joshiepo0 | 18

#5398925 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:57

Welcome to most one night stands.

Reply

tialeanne | 19

#5398939 - Sunday 10 March 2013 3:09

Not any different than one night stands, except for the alcohol part!

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5399060 - Sunday 10 March 2013 5:09

I can imagine that guy back at the depot!

"Ey bro, how was your day?"
"Uhh… good…"

Reply

sniken | 14

#5399277 - Sunday 10 March 2013 9:34

I'm guessing he'll return with a customer satisfaction survey!

Reply

gman90210 | 18

#5400426 - Monday 11 March 2013 4:10

Same thing you get at a club, bar, store or where ever. No difference

Reply

Dontbelikeme | 2

#5400514 - Monday 11 March 2013 5:18

Actually the "alcohol part" is the biggest part of a one night stand, you literally just let a stranger get paid to have sex with you lol you should just be an escort since you have no morals

Reply

Mortoli | 30

#5852219 - Saturday 8 February 2014 20:08

They gotta give that guy a raise I wonder if he messed something else up in hopes for a return lol

Reply

nemcali | 34

#6724294 - Sunday 18 December 2016 18:47

She fancied him and it was mutual so what's your problem you sanctimonious judgemental moron?

By HowAreYouToday | 34

#5398824 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:24

I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why having tour router replaced *and* sex is a bad thing...

Reply

CareFace | 16

#5398929 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:59

Hehehe a "hard" time...

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#5408863 - Sunday 17 March 2013 13:33

It's an FML because OP found out she is a who...has no self control.

Reply

girI | 20

#6074935 - Saturday 27 September 2014 3:29

Well, perhaps technicians, (like electricians and plumbers), get paid at an hourly rate, and depending on how long it took it could've made the bill more expensive?

By samcro3 | 8

#5398826 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:24

Let your freak flag fly, girl!

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6384450 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 9:10

ROLFKOPTER

By SixthSinEnvy | 39

#5398835 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:25

Couldn't pay the bill, huh?

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#5398964 - Sunday 10 March 2013 3:31

Someone Loves Useless Touching

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5399057 - Sunday 10 March 2013 5:04

The router wasn't putting out enough signal, so, yeah.

Reply

mmaflake | 19

#5399196 - Sunday 10 March 2013 7:49

Right

By SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5398836 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:26

Well... That escalated quickly.

Reply

Starcatch77 | 20

#5398907 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:47

How will she "never fully understand" how they had sex? I mean if she wasn't drunk then she must remember how it happened...

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5398973 - Sunday 10 March 2013 3:44

No, she said, "…and for some reason I'll never fully understand…" She didn't understand the reason why it happened. Not how it happened.

Reply

dontpanic_fml | 32

#5399012 - Sunday 10 March 2013 4:24

Still, I'm with 30 in that I'm not sure what's not to understand. I mean...she was there. They wanted to have sex. They had sex.

Reply

NessieMonster188 | 17

#5399153 - Sunday 10 March 2013 6:56

30: Mind blowing sex can actually temporarily erase a woman's memory

Reply

mmaflake | 19

#5399269 - Sunday 10 March 2013 9:24

Give

Reply

nemcali | 34

#6724297 - Sunday 18 December 2016 18:49

She probably does not normally sleep with strangers and she does not understand why this time was different

By chelsearenaeee | 16

#5398837 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:26

Slutty much?

Reply

pussystank | 18

#5399109 - Sunday 10 March 2013 6:02

I really fine this FML to be scary though. I really hope op doesn't get STDs but just in case she becomes positive there making Vaginal creams out of bee's venom *ouch lol* for stuff like that it maybe painful but its worth it.

Reply

evig_fml | 16

#5399128 - Sunday 10 March 2013 6:22

What?

Reply

ms_YoungMula | 8

#5399150 - Sunday 10 March 2013 6:52

Wtf did I just read ^^

Reply

TheGoldStandard | 6

#5399161 - Sunday 10 March 2013 7:03

Are you fucked lasy?

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5398842 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:26

I'm still not sure if the OP is complaining or bragging.

By Cbizzlez | 10

#5398844 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:27

"Hey can I get a glass of water"
"Sure, can I get you anything else?"
(Porn music starts to play)

Reply

iskatepeople | 5

#5398935 - Sunday 10 March 2013 3:06

Haha, that's exactly how I imagined it

Reply

lowshadows | 21

#5398940 - Sunday 10 March 2013 3:10

I'm thinking "Careless Whisper" by George Michaels used in this scene.

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#5398997 - Sunday 10 March 2013 4:13

damn im gonna start giving my girlfriend a glass of water and see where it goes lol

Reply

RAGE5119 | 9

#5399088 - Sunday 10 March 2013 5:45

She'll prob be like uhhhh....thanks...>.>

Reply

420Zombie | 17

#5399152 - Sunday 10 March 2013 6:55

here's some water.... why are your clothes still on?

Reply

mr_sarcastic416 | 29

#5399237 - Sunday 10 March 2013 8:46

bow chicka bow wow

Reply

SirBreaksalot | 9

#5399240 - Sunday 10 March 2013 8:48

I have a feeling that the technician will start asking for water at every house he visits...

By xiaodoggiie | 5

#5398846 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:27

And to think it all started from a glass of plain water. Lol

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#5399029 - Sunday 10 March 2013 4:36

He's 2013's version of "the milkman." Technician Titty-Pleaser, at your service.

Reply

therealafroninga | 10

#5399121 - Sunday 10 March 2013 6:16

That's some high quality H2O.

Reply

notforbirds | 9

#5399122 - Sunday 10 March 2013 6:16

Plot twist: It wasn't plain water, it was date rape.

Reply

LeafsGuy92 | 10

#5399227 - Sunday 10 March 2013 8:31

It was definitely the ice cubes... Bringing it to a whole new temperate (;

Something had to cool of the heated situation!

Reply

soldier317 | 2

#5400100 - Sunday 10 March 2013 23:38

Was it water or Vodka? Lol

Reply

ThatOneDrummer | 8

#5400635 - Monday 11 March 2013 6:37

And that, kids, is the story of how I met your mother...

Reply

EssieWinter | 9

#6254545 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 1:33

I guess you could say he was thirsty, in every sense of the word.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5398850 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:27

You just couldn't wait to have his data packets in you, could you?

Reply

Cbizzlez | 10

#5398898 - Sunday 10 March 2013 2:44

He offered an upgraded service plan, she couldn't refuse

Reply

therealafroninga | 10

#5399119 - Sunday 10 March 2013 6:14

Wrong place, see reply above.