Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room...

By ccc - 15/5/2009 16:35 - United States

Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room because I didn't know who else to call. FML

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Transportation

Big baby man

Live dumping

You snooze, you lose

By hannah - 26/6/2019 18:05

Today, I discovered that every time my period ends, I queef loudly and uncontrollably. I’m literally too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. FML

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By kaplwv116 - 27/6/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML

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By gayboii - 19/3/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML

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By OyGeeze28 - 9/8/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML

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By caughtontape - 22/3/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, my school handed out the new yearbook. I was so excited to be on the cover page in a group shot with all my friends until I realized that I was having a boner at the time the pic was taken. These books go out to the whole school. Everyone noticed. FML

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By HaliMali - 22/2/2015 18:21 - United States - Hastings

Today, trying to do a good deed, I gave a homeless guy a $10 bill. As I walked away, he yelled after me, "You fucking bitch!" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2014 02:58 - United States - Mount Airy

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

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By brokenarm - 3/3/2010 16:46 - Germany

Today, I went to the pharmacy and asked the very attractive pharmacist what to do about the terrible itching under my cast. She told me to be a man and deal with it. FML

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By theslutmuncher - 14/12/2012 23:20 - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

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By KillMePlease - 11/3/2015 20:15 - United States - Hicksville

Today, I was given a new responsibility at the law firm where I work. I'm now in charge of punching holes in every single piece of paper to be found in the office, estimated to be in the hundred-thousands. The reason? I finish my daily clerical work too quickly. FML

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By suze44 - 13/6/2011 14:22 - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

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By Tygastyle - 23/6/2009 17:37 - United States

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

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By concertqueen - 27/8/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. The music was great, but the drunk guys behind me made it hard to pay attention. Half way through the second act, one of them took it upon themselves to start peeing on me. FML

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By jalapeno_popper - 21/1/2010 20:16 - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself and it came down too. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, it was my first day of softball practice. I'm the youngest one on the team by about 2 years, so I wanted to prove I'm just as good as everyone else. Too bad I tripped in the outfield and got hit in the head with a bat. I have a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2015 02:36 - Australia

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2014 01:03 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML

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By yeshehaspornaddiction - 2/7/2013 04:37 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend told me to completely shave off all of my already-groomed pubic area because, "It looks so unnatural." Ignoring the obvious lack of logic, I asked him why he keeps his totally ungroomed. Turns out "Men having hair is okay. Women aren't supposed to, though." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 07:47 - Venezuela

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 19:57 - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 00:01 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

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By xXMudkipNoobXx - 13/1/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

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By Ugly - 8/3/2017 04:00 - Netherlands

Tough Love

Today, during a conversation with my in-laws, I opened up about my insecurities concerning my looks. My mother-in-law responded, "But you're not beautiful." She then repeated it. FML

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By GetHardOrGoHome - 31/3/2012 04:22 - United States - Chardon

Today, I visited my gynecologist. As she had her fingers inside me she decided that was the perfect time to say, "I absolutely love your socks!" FML

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By Lonely - 18/3/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2017 16:00

The Dilbert Principle

Today, my boss called me into his office. I've been working hard doing extra work so I can get promoted. He called me in to tell me I'm to reliable in my current position, so I won't be moving up. FML

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By Windstar - 7/4/2009 07:32 - Canada

Today, my daughter ran up to a librarian working in the kids section and screamed "MOMMY!" and hugged her. She looked at her and said "I'm not your mommy." My daughters reply: "I know. But you're better than mommy" FML

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By Kyokushin - 3/6/2009 14:15 - United States

Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML

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By thesmartone - 21/6/2012 03:44 - United States

Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 02:07 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 22:33 - United States - Washington Crossing

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

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By Noname - 16/3/2009 17:29 - United States

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2010 02:43 - United States

Today, I felt really depressed so I decided to go to McDonald's, get a sundae and cheer myself up. I got pulled over by the cops on the way, and was given a ticket for an expired registration. McDonald's was closed. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 16:46 - United Kingdom - Loughton

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I sneezed so hard that my head shot forward and smashed against his, sending his head backwards against the wall. He ended up with a concussion, and I still feel like someone hit me over the head with a chair. FML

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By GonnaLockUpMySpices - 30/10/2015 01:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

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By teachingsucks - 14/3/2010 18:29 - United States

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2013 16:50 - United Kingdom - Nuneaton

Today, after recently breaking up with my boyfriend, I unknowingly washed my laundry using his washing tabs. My whole wardrobe now smells like my ex. FML

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By CorinnenotaplanB - 28/7/2018 01:30

Today, my date for this weekend called and asked if he could bring his possible new girlfriend on our weekend getaway as well. FML

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By ktin - 19/8/2010 12:02 - Australia

Today, I got wii fit, wii Mario kart and wii Mario galaxy for my birthday, I don't have a wii. FML

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Top comments

By wordly | 0

#202465 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:02

Aw, man. Being in the hospital alone is a shitty feeling. I feel for you.

By TheUnnamedOne | 0

#202537 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:13

fuck u #3

Comments

By wordly | 0

#202465 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:02

Aw, man. Being in the hospital alone is a shitty feeling. I feel for you.

StingMunFizzy | 0

#494738 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 0:31

You and hm should be real tight though right now right?

By dengman | 0

#202470 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

surescope | 0

#1007420 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 4:11

you really do

tellithowitis | 13

#2865211 - Monday 11 July 2011 8:10

thanks captain obvious...

Dflips | 0

#3210035 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 7:02

sucks man I feel for ya

lemonzest13 | 2

#4718646 - Sunday 22 July 2012 5:25

I'm so sorry.

By tjh116 | 0

#202483 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:04

haha that sucks...a lot. YDI for being a friendless loser

ChantelRenaeee | 0

#2367399 - Monday 18 April 2011 14:22

that's not very nice. if you say that about other people, it usually means you're a 'friendless loser' yourself.

Dflips | 0

#3210051 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 7:04

Yeh tell him who's boss

By Zigster94 | 0

#202490 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:05

did he charge for the ride home ?

By I2OI3 | 0

#202491 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:05

WHy were you in the emergency room? That sounds like important info to the FML story? Give us some more background please

By Imawhalerider | 0

#202500 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:07

he got paid for it right?

By Hazimius | 0

#202515 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:10

FYL for extreme loneliness.

By TheUnnamedOne | 0

#202537 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:13

fuck u #3

By genius_man16 | 0

#202538 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:13

No parents or friends?

FYL Indeed.

By PureGold | 0

#202553 - Friday 15 May 2009 23:15

Awww!! Please go out and make some friends lol. :/