Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and... - FML

By Thanks Santa - 17/12/2016 05:24

Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML

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Great boyfriend

The student becomes the master

In my day…

By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 14:07 - Canada

Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. I have debilitating 'morning sickness' all day. And now I get to add peeing my pants every time I throw up. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I had a surprise birthday party thrown in my honor. All of my friends and family had been invited, and all of the details were perfect. Who threw the party for me? My ex-girlfriend who I dumped last week for "not being thoughtful enough." FML

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By Blackshadows - 7/9/2015 18:08 - United States - Somerset

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

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By embarrassed - 26/5/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous amount of money at the concession stand, I sneaked a Dr. Pepper into the theater. I thought I had gotten away with it, until I opened the bottle and it exploded all over me and four other people that I didn't know. FML

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By burn in hell - 25/9/2012 21:28 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my estranged mother texted me saying, "Gran died, LOL." My grandmother and I were fairly close, so I was shocked and disgusted. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she knew what "LOL" meant. She did. FML

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By jonnie - 7/5/2020 02:00

Hi mom!

Today, I learned Google Assistant and Google Home work harmoniously together if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text to my mom about canceling dinner plans because I’m fake sick and going to hook up with this guy, it’ll send every word. My mistake & lesson learned. FML

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By ExFutureGrandsonInLaw - 10/6/2018 19:00

Sorry?

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend's grandparents at church. After 5 minutes of catching up, my ex's frail grandmother asked me when I'm planning on "joining the family". I had to explain to them that their granddaughter had dumped me exactly 2 years before. She cried. FML

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By Starter656 - 24/12/2017 06:00

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

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By I_Lossed - 3/11/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 08:26 - Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

Double take

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 15:34 - United States - Bellaire

Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML

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By tbalboa - 1/7/2011 17:27 - United States

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

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By good big sister? - 2/7/2013 17:39 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, my 7-year-old sister had a nightmare, so I let her sleep in my bed. I woke up to her punching me in the face and giving me a black eye. Apparently, she not only screams when she's having a nightmare, she also "gives the bad guy a taste of his own medicine." FML

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By NoTalkAllGame - 27/1/2015 16:12 - United States - Horsham

Today, it's been five days since my roommate last talked to me. Although she's not communicating with me verbally, she's excelling at non-verbal communication: slamming doors and drawers, and watching loud videos, all while I desperately try to study. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2009 08:21 - United States

Today, I went into my Moms room to look for a t-shirt. I went into her drawer and behind all of her clothes was a cell phone. Not only did I not find the t-shirt, I also found out my Mom is cheating on my Dad with someone from work and now I have to pretend like I don't know. I work there too. FML

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By suspicious - 5/7/2013 02:26 - United States

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

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By brokeasajoke - 11/11/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, I let my dad borrow my car. I found out a few hours later that he has had a suspended license for three years. How did I find out? He got pulled over and arrested. My car was also impounded. I'm a college student barely making it as it is. Guess who can't afford the impound fees? FML

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By Chey - 22/3/2012 22:13 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

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By HiImAlfredo - 14/9/2014 18:47 - United States - Hampton

Today, I went deep-sea fishing with my friends. I told them my new phone case is waterproof, and I showed them by pouring a bit of water on it. My friend decided to throw it in the water for a better example. The case didn't float. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 18:14 - United States

Today, I went jet skiing with my girlfriend of four years. I intended to propose to her. The $2000 ring fell out of my pocket and into the lake. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By mrmr - 7/2/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and the glass sliding door was jammed. I tugged it, and it shattered all over me. I was naked. FML

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By Danielle - 9/4/2011 23:00 - United States

Today, while dog sitting, the dog peed on the carpet. There was a bottle of cleaning spray on the counter so I sprayed the spot. Turns out that spray was Clorox Bleach. Now their carpet is bright orange. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 02:48 - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 08:11 - United States

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2018 00:00 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

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By whatproject - 24/9/2009 09:50 - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 15:44 - United States - Craig

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

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By dumbass - 12/1/2017 09:37

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

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By Shameful - 18/1/2012 19:57 - United States

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

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By alanh69 - 26/8/2014 19:12 - United States - Woodward

Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 18:05 - Puerto Rico

Today, I was messing around in computer class, when somebody called my name from the hall. Trying to be smooth, I tried rolling my chair backwards out into the hall. The wheels wasted no time jamming and sending me crashing face-first into the floor in front of everyone. FML

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By Why? - 5/11/2015 03:57 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

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By blew it - 5/6/2019 02:00

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend, only while I was down there I noticed he had an ungodly amount of dick cheese under his foreskin. He’s now mad at me for blueballing him, even though he’s clearly the one at fault for being a filthy pig. FML

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By Achoo - 15/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through, he stopped and said he had to sneeze. After waiting several seconds, he said the urge went away and we kept making out. Ten seconds later, he violently sneezed in my open mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 20:31 - United States

Today, my girlfriend tried to cover my eyes while I was driving on the main street, all because she caught me looking at an ad featuring bikini-clad girls on the bus ahead of our car. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By Kwalker3 - 6/5/2012 06:39 - United States - Tracy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

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By justlittleoldme - 25/7/2012 21:05 - United States - Sarona

Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML

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By srsly_what - 28/4/2011 23:13 - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#6725792 - Thursday 22 December 2016 5:15

At least you don't have to live in Ohio.

By Dat_Class_Tho | 26

#6725803 - Thursday 22 December 2016 5:25

He never should have let you quit your job when he knew perfectly well that he was just waiting for an opportunity to make a break for it. Jesus, what a coward.

COMMENTS

By nesteremily | 31

#6725789 - Thursday 22 December 2016 5:08

Report the car and all your stuff missing. Get his ass

Reply

beyslay | 14

#6725802 - Thursday 22 December 2016 5:25

Moot point since she has her stuff now.

By RichardPencil | 28

#6725792 - Thursday 22 December 2016 5:15

At least you don't have to live in Ohio.

Reply

naivemisanthrope | 4

#6726107 - Thursday 22 December 2016 19:33

As someone who also moved to Ohio under false pretenses--work, not romantic, thankfully--I can sympathize with OP, but I wholeheartedly agree with RichardPencil. Ohio is so awful I even miss Arkansas.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#6726151 - Thursday 22 December 2016 20:42

I grew up in Ohio. That probably explains a lot.

By KingKralj | 31

#6725794 - Thursday 22 December 2016 5:18

What an ass. Sorry op, sometimes people are just assholes

By Dat_Class_Tho | 26

#6725803 - Thursday 22 December 2016 5:25

He never should have let you quit your job when he knew perfectly well that he was just waiting for an opportunity to make a break for it. Jesus, what a coward.

Reply

maritime1992 | 5

#6725904 - Thursday 22 December 2016 10:34

That's not on the boyfriend. That's on OP for giving him that power. Bet she'll think twice next time lol

Reply

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6725941 - Thursday 22 December 2016 12:46

She didn't "give him that power." They were in (what appeared to be) a committed relationship. OP likely didn't see this coming, or else she wouldn't have done it.

Reply

lilchica22001 | 22

#6726454 - Friday 23 December 2016 8:04

#9 you are an absolute moron. I'm going to take a guess that you are single and with that attitude, probably will be for the rest of your life. Enjoy your mom's basement. Jerk.

Reply

maritime1992 | 5

#6726521 - Friday 23 December 2016 11:01

16, far from living in my mom's basement. but thanks lol. At least I can form a coherent statement without taking something so personal. Relax, it's the internet.Why so bitter?

Reply

maritime1992 | 5

#6726522 - Friday 23 December 2016 11:03

10, how is that not giving him all the power? She dropped her job, left her family to move with a boyfriend, not even a husband. She got what she deserved

Reply

tazthespaz | 0

#6726651 - Friday 23 December 2016 18:56

#19, "not even a husband"? Really? Are we living in 1923?

Reply

maritime1992 | 5

#6726832 - Saturday 24 December 2016 2:41

20, no but look where chasing a boyfriend around got her. not far lol

Reply

KrazyKatz3 | 26

#7567082 - Thursday 23 November 2017 4:56

It is entirely possible the boyfriend thought this would last but moving in with the OP brought something up? Still a dick move of a break up and sucks that you gave up so much and he did that with no notice... hope you find somewhere to stay and have better luck with men

By sirdannyboy1 | 20

#6725813 - Thursday 22 December 2016 5:55

That's God's way of telling you to stay out of Ohio.

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6725853 - Thursday 22 December 2016 7:16

More astronauts come from Ohio than any other state. Clearly there is something about it that makes people want to leave the earth. Consider yourself lucky to get out before it was too late.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#6725867 - Thursday 22 December 2016 7:43

And Civil War generals who were worth a shit. Again, another excuse to leave Ohio.

By lusanna | 19

#6726100 - Thursday 22 December 2016 19:12

I know relationship needs sacrifices but when you're doing all the contributing you know something is wrong.

By misunderstood94 | 15

#6726400 - Friday 23 December 2016 6:15

My heart goes out for you OP, and I would follow #1's advice and report everything stolen, that way at least he can give it back...

By faireanjell | 5

#6726418 - Friday 23 December 2016 6:54

What a Savage asshat

By lilchica22001 | 22

#6726455 - Friday 23 December 2016 8:06

What a douchebag...I'm so sorry OP. Just be glad you didn't marry or have children with that asshat! Pick yourself up, find a better job and focus on yourself. You'll be ok...not to mention..karma will get him.