Health: They're perfect for each other!

They're perfect for each other!

By yosmurf - 11/03/2017 18:00

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 650

You deserved it 566

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Same thing different taste

By AbFlab - 01/06/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 814

You deserved it 5 234

Iron Man

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I thought it would be funny to tell him I was Iron Man and that nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later, he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 682

You deserved it 38 495

By creepedasfuck - 23/09/2012 16:50 - United States - Limington

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 202

You deserved it 2 381

Classy

By Radbaby - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 537

You deserved it 229

By coeurdlucky - 19/10/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 210

You deserved it 3 573

By auntoftheyear - 10/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 352

You deserved it 10 072

Prissy

By barfyshirt - 06/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 976

You deserved it 7 215

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 20:02

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 964

You deserved it 184

Haters

By ForeverAFatty - 29/05/2021 20:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boyfriend invited me to swim at his house. I'm very obese, so I had some reservations about it, but he assured me it'd be alright. Instead, the whole time I was treated to his mother commenting on my weight umpteen times, and his brother calling me "Moby Dick" and throwing pool noodles at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 930

You deserved it 368

By Anonymous - 01/01/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my pads were not in fact "big band-aids" and that he should probably remove them from his legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 190

You deserved it 3 288

manofmerr 27

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:25

"Two things are infinite. The universe, and human stupidity. And im not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein

Cynical_1 26

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:32

I hope for the sake of humanity that they don't ever reproduce!

Comments

James Grant 2

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

manofmerr 27

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:25

"Two things are infinite. The universe, and human stupidity. And im not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein

lexos 16

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:44

Don't forget the winrar trial period

Cynical_1 26

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:32

I hope for the sake of humanity that they don't ever reproduce!

OhPuhleeze 23

Sunday 12 March 2017 5:43

I bet they are working on that as I type this. why am I reminded more and more of Idiocracy every day?

manofmerr 27

Monday 13 March 2017 22:48

I feel like i might need to start working quotes from idiocracy into my comments.

egnur_mas 19

Sunday 12 March 2017 12:41

That was my first thought after reading this.

slapstick1982 20

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:34

Hilariously written. True or not

livamour 17

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:55

Interesting that you insult the girlfriend and not your brother

sousaphonist 14

Saturday 11 March 2017 20:15

This sounds like a narrowly-averted Darwin Award

James Grant 2

Saturday 11 March 2017 21:23

Ironing boards are flat. No one says ironing board abs.

Catdragon 40

Sunday 12 March 2017 3:14

They do say ironing board chests if you're a girl though

jkjorn 16

Monday 13 March 2017 14:34

Yeah, I think the usual term is "washboard abs", which makes the brother & gf doubly stupid.

GrannisGoddess26 5

Saturday 11 March 2017 22:35

Doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the box. ?

great_nate 26

Sunday 12 March 2017 0:36

You can't fix stupid.

Moerighan 23

Sunday 12 March 2017 4:55

Pray they never procreate.

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The Top

Today, I was very sick, and my boyfriend was taking care of me at his parents' house. I was laying on the couch, innocently watching a movie while he rubbed my feet, when his stepmother came home from work. She freaked out, accused us of having it off on her couch, and kicked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 758

You deserved it 2 613

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 1 892

The Top

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 668

You deserved it 2 514

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 637

You deserved it 4 380

Today, my boss held his polo shirt one inch from my nose and asked me to smell it. He said that he was going into one of our tenants' apartment and wanted to smell him before and after so I could judge said apartment's cleanliness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 80

Today, I've been bedridden for the past two weeks. My boyfriend casually remarked that he understands now why some people cheat on their seriously-ill partners. Thanks for adding to the stress, sweetie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 172

You deserved it 3 409

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 023

You deserved it 9 313

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. The problem is that I don't know how to tell my wife... Who is also pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 540

You deserved it 10 242

They're perfect for each other!

Same thing different taste

Iron Man

Classy

Prissy

Haters

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