Health: They're perfect for each other!

They're perfect for each other!

By yosmurf - 11/03/2017 18:00

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 642

You deserved it 560

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Same thing different taste

By AbFlab - 01/06/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 806

You deserved it 5 225

Iron Man

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I thought it would be funny to tell him I was Iron Man and that nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later, he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 676

You deserved it 38 482

By creepedasfuck - 23/09/2012 16:50 - United States - Limington

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 186

You deserved it 2 378

By Radbaby - 12/10/2018 03:00

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 090

You deserved it 168

By coeurdlucky - 19/10/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 201

You deserved it 3 571

By auntoftheyear - 10/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 346

You deserved it 10 067

Prissy

By barfyshirt - 06/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 968

You deserved it 7 210

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 20:02

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 950

You deserved it 183

Haters

By ForeverAFatty - 29/05/2021 20:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boyfriend invited me to swim at his house. I'm very obese, so I had some reservations about it, but he assured me it'd be alright. Instead, the whole time I was treated to his mother commenting on my weight umpteen times, and his brother calling me "Moby Dick" and throwing pool noodles at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 913

You deserved it 363

By Anonymous - 01/01/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my pads were not in fact "big band-aids" and that he should probably remove them from his legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 181

You deserved it 3 281

manofmerr 27

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:25

"Two things are infinite. The universe, and human stupidity. And im not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein

Cynical_1 26

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:32

I hope for the sake of humanity that they don't ever reproduce!

Comments

James Grant 2

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

manofmerr 27

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:25

"Two things are infinite. The universe, and human stupidity. And im not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein

lexos 16

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:44

Don't forget the winrar trial period

Cynical_1 26

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:32

I hope for the sake of humanity that they don't ever reproduce!

OhPuhleeze 23

Sunday 12 March 2017 5:43

I bet they are working on that as I type this. why am I reminded more and more of Idiocracy every day?

manofmerr 27

Monday 13 March 2017 22:48

I feel like i might need to start working quotes from idiocracy into my comments.

egnur_mas 19

Sunday 12 March 2017 12:41

That was my first thought after reading this.

slapstick1982 20

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:34

Hilariously written. True or not

livamour 17

Saturday 11 March 2017 18:55

Interesting that you insult the girlfriend and not your brother

sousaphonist 14

Saturday 11 March 2017 20:15

This sounds like a narrowly-averted Darwin Award

James Grant 2

Saturday 11 March 2017 21:23

Ironing boards are flat. No one says ironing board abs.

Catdragon 40

Sunday 12 March 2017 3:14

They do say ironing board chests if you're a girl though

jkjorn 16

Monday 13 March 2017 14:34

Yeah, I think the usual term is "washboard abs", which makes the brother & gf doubly stupid.

GrannisGoddess26 5

Saturday 11 March 2017 22:35

Doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the box. ?

great_nate 26

Sunday 12 March 2017 0:36

You can't fix stupid.

Moerighan 23

Sunday 12 March 2017 4:55

Pray they never procreate.

Keywords

Embarrassing Love Poopoo peepee Miscellaneous Christmas Romantic Break-ups Annoying Money Gross Ironic Argument Awkward Friends Cute Haircut Lonely Holidays Relatable Bosses Capitalism Work Cars You're fired Covid Health Jealousy Cheating Parenting Kids

The Top

Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we'd just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 886

You deserved it 61 114

Today, my wife waited until we’d been married for two weeks to tell me she has a mountain of credit card debt that she’s been hiding from me. This explains why she insisted the mortgage and car be in my name, her credit score is so low that it’s almost a double digit FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 145

The Top

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 427

You deserved it 5 838

Today, someone shat liquid poo in the hallway at work. Right. Outside. The bathroom. Another foot and they could have used a toilet instead of the carpeted floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 276

You deserved it 359

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 155

You deserved it 7 122

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 311

Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 554

You deserved it 8 840

Today, while working on a carpentry project with my friend at 2am, and enjoying some beers, I cut my hand and realized I needed medical attention. Neither of us being in driving shape, I knocked on my parents bedroom door to request a ride. I was told I had to wait for them to "finish." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 899

You deserved it 10 909

They're perfect for each other!

Same thing different taste

Iron Man

Prissy

Haters

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